During the evening, I tried to subtly observe Bane and her together and it seemed like they were actually doing better. I’d seen her smile and steal kisses from him when she thought no one was around to see them and his face showed his love for her. That was something he couldn’t hide, how much he cared for her.
As the evening wore on, everyone started to realize that Bane and I hadn’t spoken a single thing to each other. We started getting some questioning looks from our parents. Finally, I couldn’t handle it anymore and left.
I’d already gotten a phone call from my mom wanting to know what was going on. I told her I didn’t know what she meant, that I didn’t know of anything going on. Then I managed to distract her with other things.
I knew, however, that I’d probably be hearing from my dad in the next couple of days. He’d want to know what happened. I hadn’t said one word to him about any of this, which for me was an anomaly. I talked to my dad about all the serious things in my life. Only this I couldn’t talk to him about. I wasn’t sure he’d understand.
“Earth to Eagle, come back from where you are soaring and take your turn,” Doom stated as he tapped me in the shoulder.
I jerked and looked around to find all the guys looking at me.
“Sorry, guys. I was lost in thought.”
“No, shit. We called your name like five times,” Slaughter replied while chalking the tip of his cue.
I sighed. So much for looking like I was doing better. I took my shot then walked over and leaned against the wall by Blood. We were playing partners. It was Brute and me against Slaughter and Doom. Blood and his little brother Brax were sitting this one out. Brax hadn’t been back with the club long.
About seven years ago, he’d left the MC to move to Texas and be with the woman who was carrying his child. A few weeks ago, his woman had up and left him with his three kids. She’d left a note saying she wouldn’t be back and not to look for her. Brax had then asked if he could come home and be reinstated as a Brother. The club had voted yes.
“It’s not getting any better?” Blood murmured low.
“It was.”
“What happened?”
“Had an accidental run in with Kenzie the night Cas claimed Sophie.”
“And?”
“She ran into me coming out of the restroom, when we touched it was like I’d been struck by lightning. I swear to God, my whole body felt on fire.”
“Ouch. Then what happened?”
“She told me she sometimes wished she had chosen me.”
“Christ. That had to fucking hurt.”
“You have no idea, Brother.”
“This chick is just bad news.”
“Don’t say that, Blood. None of this is on Kenzie.”
“How can you say that?”
“Blood, she didn’t know any of us. I hit on her as soon as she walked in the door. Yes, we had an instant connection. A damn strong one, but she didn’t know me from the man in the moon. Whatever Bane told her made her hesitate to answer a question from me. I was the one who walked away when she didn’t immediately pick me when I asked her to choose one of us. I never really gave her the chance to pick either of us.”
“Still, Brother.”
“She’s a good woman, Blood.”
He sighed.
“I just fucking hate this shit.”
“You and me both, Blood.”
I finished my game and went upstairs. I didn’t have it in me to keep being merry, not that I had been doing that great of a job anyway. I’d been sleeping like shit, so I took a warm shower, slipped into my boxers and crawled into bed.
I thought about Boomer and Audrey as I lay there. I hoped one day I would find someone to love like Boomer loved Audrey. Although I was already pretty sure I’d found the woman for me and I’d lost her. That was the one of the hardest things to wrap my head around, knowing I had her then lost her to Bane.
With thoughts of hoping to find a love like Boomer and Audrey’s flying through my head, knowing I’d had Kenzie but lost her, plus what I said to Blood earlier all playing on a wash, rinse, repeat cycle, I fell asleep with everything tumbling around in my brain.
Want a love. Lost her. I was the one who walked away when she didn’t pick me when I asked her to choose one of us.
Want a love. Lost her. I was the one who walked away when she didn’t pick me.
Want a love. Lost her. I was the one who walked away.
Want a love. Lost her. I was the one who walked.
~*~
‘You did,’ a little voice whispered in my head.
I jerked, what the fuck was that.
‘I’m that tiny voice of reason that you’ve been ignoring.’
I reached over to my nightstand and turned on the light. I looked around but didn’t see anyone. Fuck, was I finally going off the deep end?
‘No, you’re not going crazy. It is time, however, for you to realize something,’ the faint words floated around in my head.
I ignored what I heard. Instead, I allowed my thoughts to drift back to what I had been thinking about before I fell asleep. I was sure Kenzie was the woman for me and it was eating at me that I’d lost her. That was why I was struggling so much with all of this. Knowing I had her and lost her to Bane. I wasn’t jealous because she was with Bane, it’s just… hell, I don’t think I even know anymore my damn brain was so fucking scrambled.
‘You didn’t lose her.’
I growled, what the fuck did the voice mean I didn’t lose her. I sure as fuck did.
‘No. You gave her to Bane.’
I stiffened as that thought flew around in my head. Like fuck I gave her to him.
‘Did you stay that night and fight for her, or did you just walk out the door?’
That thought floated round and round in my head. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. All I had been doing was bitching and moaning about Bane backstabbing me and stealing my girl.
Yes, while I believed he backstabbed me, he didn’t steal my girl. She was never really mine.
I was the one who made the vulgar comment to her about picking who she was riding that night. Sure, I’d been pissed seeing her kissing Bane, yet I’d had no right to talk to her that way. When I pressed her on whose kisses she liked better, she’d indicated mine. Looking back, that should have let me know if I’d just stayed a little longer and talked to her things might have been different.
I had known something wasn’t right when I pressed her to choose. She’d hesitated like she was unsure about something. Instead of trying to find out what caused her to hesitate, I’d gotten pissed when Kenzie didn’t immediately choose me. I had pushed her hard for an answer, then I’d left before giving her a chance to say anything.
Jesus. Christ.
I was as much to blame in my own way as Bane was in his. Sadly, the ultimate loser in the entire situation was Kenzie.
We’d both put her through hell.
Realizing I could have had Kenzie if only I’d been man enough to stay and fight Bane for her tore me up inside. Because that voice was right. I hadn’t fought for her. I hadn’t shown her she was worth fighting for and it was too late to do that now. I learned all of this way too damn late.
Fuck it all if losing her wasn’t on me.
~*~
Kenzie
Even though I hadn’t said anything to Bane about how I feel, I couldn’t seem to keep my hands or lips off him. I’d stolen as many kisses from him as I could at his parents’ and grandparents’ houses. He’d ate that up like candy, gracing me with his loving smile each time I initiated something. That only made me want to do it more. I loved seeing him look at me like that.
Everything would have been perfect if things were better between Bane, Eagle and me. Sadly, they weren’t and I didn’t know if they ever would be. Bane and I both would glance at him every once in a while and I know the looks on our faces had to reflect the sadness of the entire situation. I hate like hell we had hurt this
man so much. I know Bane did too.
I’d see him now and again staring at nothing, a look of sorrow on his face. I knew he was thinking about Eagle then and how much he was missing him. I knew how badly it ate at him what he’d done to his best friend. I’d give anything if things were better between them. Maybe with time, that was all I could hope for. Maybe time would heal the damage that had wrecked men who had been best friends their entire life.
~***~
Chapter 14
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
~Rumi~
Eagle
December 31st, 1998
I spent the next week sick to my stomach with the knowledge that I had basically handed Kenzie to Bane on a silver platter. I’d acted like some whiny ass little bitch and stormed off from our confrontation when she didn’t immediately say what I wanted to hear.
I had been so mad at Bane for stealing her from me, so motherfucking mad, and now I realized the person who I should have been mad at all along was myself.
Yes, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he said something to her to cause her to hesitate. But I’d been the bastard that had pushed her to make a decision. A decision I never really gave her time to make. When she didn’t immediately pop out her answer saying she picked me, I’d acted like some fucking little spoiled brat and stormed off. That shit was on me.
I took a slug of the whiskey I’d brought upstairs with me earlier. Even though it was New Year’s Eve, I had no desire to go downstairs. None. I just wanted to drink until I passed the fuck out.
My phone buzzed letting me know I had a text. Shit, it was happening all over again. Why the hell hadn’t I turned the damn thing off? Again, it buzzed. I picked it up and looked at it already knowing who the message was from.
Dog: Get UR ass 2 Gr8 Room.
Fuck this.
I didn’t want to be downstairs with people, but if I was going to be ordered out of my room, I might as well make it completely out of the damn Clubhouse. I got up, dressed warmly, grabbed my jacket, helmet and walked out of the door. I hit the stairs and jogged down them. I had almost made it to the front door when I heard a whistle. It was Dog. I started to ignore it, yet it went against everything inside me to be disrespectful to my Prez.
I dropped my head and shook it. Turning around, I looked at Dog. He had an eyebrow arched. Fuck. I reluctantly walked over to him.
“You whistled, Prez?”
I mentally winced. Damn, that had come out rude as all hell.
He pointed to the chair next to him. For the moment, he was the only one at his table.
“Sit your ass down, Eagle.”
I sat and waited for him to speak. I had nothing to say.
“Why you back to sitting in your fucking room again?”
“Got some thinking to do, Dog.”
“What kind of thinking?”
“Personal kind.”
He growled low in his throat, “Boy, do you and I need to go to the gym and put on gloves?”
I considered it for a moment. It wouldn’t take him long to knock my ass out. My only hesitation was I knew I’d have a headache that would last a damn week. Yet maybe the pain from the headache would keep my mind off my fuck up.
“Sure, Prez. Let’s go,” I replied as I stood up.
“Sit your ass back down. I ain’t gonna do you any favors. Hell, you’d let me knock your ass out just so you could miss the party.”
I looked at him and shrugged.
“Talk to me,” he muttered.
“Nothing to say.”
“Dammit, Eagle. You’d better start talking or I’ll kick your ass here.”
“Go for it, Prez.”
“Eagle,” he said threateningly.
I sighed.
“Talk,” he demanded.
“Realized I fucked up.”
He looked at me quizzically.
“Whatcha mean?”
“Been thinking on shit a lot. I realized that while Bane might have said something to Kenzie, I never really tried to find out why she hesitated in giving me her answer. I just spit out my rude bullshit, then demanded she choose between Bane or me. I didn’t give her time to answer. I fucking told her I would help her make the decision and walked out.”
I swallowed hard.
“Christ, Dog. I didn’t even try to fight for her. What kind of man does that make me?”
“A man who was shook up when he saw the woman he thought was his ride or die kissing another man. Got to cut yourself some slack, Brother.”
“I can’t, Dog. I’ve moaned, bitched, cried into my beer, and just generally felt fucking sorry for myself when I was the one who did this to myself.”
“You didn’t do it all alone, Eagle.”
“Maybe not, but I was a large portion of it.”
“Whatcha gonna do now?”
“That’s the hell of it. I don’t know. I do know that there can’t be a Kenzie and me. She’s with Bane and I’ll be damned if I sink to his level of getting a woman.”
“Yeah, I wouldn't be real happy with you if you did that. What he did was wrong, you attempting to steal his woman would make the situation much worse. It would take it to a place neither of you would want to go. Besides, it’s not fair to the girl,” he said quietly as he rolled his beer bottle back and forth between his hands.
“That’s been driving me crazy, Dog. Knowing that he and I fucked up her life without giving her the chance to make a decision for herself.”
We sat there for a little while not saying anything. I looked around the room not realizing I was subconsciously looking for Bane and Kenzie.
“They’re not here,” Dog said as he reached across and grabbed a cookie from a plate that was sitting in the center of the table. “He sent a text earlier saying he wouldn’t be back until Sunday night.”
My shoulders slumped at hearing that. While I didn’t want to see them, at the same time I did. If that wasn’t fucked up, I don’t know what was.
“You’re gonna have to make a decision, Eagle.”
“What do you mean, Dog?” I asked puzzled.
“You’ve got to decide if you can forgive yourself and if you can forgive Bane. If not, can you honestly say you want to live the way you have been the last five months for the rest of your life? Especially with what you’ve just told me you’ve come to realize.
“This shit is dragging the men you run with down, Eagle. They want to support you for the wrong they feel Bane did to you. I’ve noticed the angst it has caused among all of you.”
His words hit me hard. What was he saying?
“Prez,” I began hoarsely, “you saying if I don’t forgive him, I’ll have to leave the club?”
“Hell, no, Brother. Wasn’t saying that at all. Just trying to get you to open your eyes and think about what you want long term. Are you happy living the way you are right now?”
I let out a deep sigh of relief.
“You know I’m not happy, Dog.”
“Then, Eagle, you’ve got to come up with a way of dealing with this. Figure something out that will work for you. It’s affecting more than just the three of you. You need to decide if the continued exile the Brothers are giving Bane is completely fair to him.
“While everyone has been there for you, no one has been there for him. I’m not condoning what he did by any means, Eagle. But if you know you’re both to blame, then I think you’re going to have to come up with a way to let others know that all this shit isn’t entirely on Bane.”
I groaned. “Hell, Dog. I didn’t think about it like that. Fuck. I really have been in my own head, haven’t I?”
“I can understand it, Eagle. It’s just time to try to figure out how this shit can be better.”
“Alright, Prez. I’ll think about it.”
“Good enough. However, don’t think your ass is walking out that door. It’s been sleeting and I’m not about to have to call
Keith to let him know his son was killed riding his fucking motorcycle in icy conditions.”
“Okay, Prez. Gonna go drop my shit off in my room. I swear I’ll be back down.”
“You’d better, if you make my ass climb those stairs to come get you, you might get your wish of getting the shit knocked out of you.”
I grimaced. The man was serious.
“Hear you loud and clear, Prez.”
He nodded and I walked off to go do what I said I was going to do.
~*~
Bane
Kenzie had surprised the hell out of me when she asked if we had to go to the party at the Clubhouse tonight. She told me she wanted to ring the new year in with just the two of us. Hell, I was all for it. It had been steadily getting harder to sit at a table where I knew I wasn’t wanted.
I’d groaned when Kenz said she wanted to watch a couple chick flicks, though secretly it didn’t bother me. That shit got her horny and I was the one who benefited from it.
I didn’t let her know that, instead, I’d just mouthed off and grumbled causing her to laugh at me. She told me she’d make it up to me and I was totally down with that. When she opened my fly during the second movie and proceeded to not only blow my cock but my damn mind, I’d decided we could watch fucking chick flicks every damn day.
The past few weeks I’d noticed a change in her. I hadn’t seen her looking at Eagle as much, if at all. She was almost loving toward me and I was seriously eating that shit up. When we were together she was constantly touching me, kissing me, rubbing her hot little body all over mine until she drove me to take her. We’d had sex all over the damn apartment.
Up against the door, on the kitchen table, the kitchen counters, her leaning over the couch, me sitting on the couch with her straddling me, in the shower, on the vanity. Hell, she’d teased me one night so much we hadn’t made it to the bedroom, I’d taken her on the floor in the hall. I was in heaven. Complete and total heaven.
I was scared as fuck too. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seemed like anytime things were going good for me, something would happen to change that. For now, I was taking what I was given and I was loving every minute of it.
Bane (Angel's Rebellion MC: #7) Page 13
