All My Secrets

by Sophie McKenzie

  My ears prick up. The older Mr Lomax is the one who was friends with Irina and Gavin’s parents, my grandparents.

  ‘They say the island is haunted by nutters,’ Pepper whispers under her breath. ‘I googled it.’

  I shiver, remembering the dark figure outside.

  ‘Do I have your full attention, Pepper?’ Miss Bunnock asks, eyebrows raised.

  ‘Course you do.’ Pepper grins.

  A flash of irritation crosses Miss Bunnock’s face, then it passes and she smiles again.

  ‘The older Mr Lomax ran the place as a mental-health facility for young people until his death ten years ago, when the current owner, his son David, took over.’

  A little thrill runs down my spine as I remember Gavin telling me that David Lomax might have memories of Irina from when they were kids.

  ‘The current Mr Lomax founded and runs the Lightsea programme for teenagers. This utilises a range of activities from meditation to team-building, all designed to develop the taking of personal responsibility in a supportively holistic environment.’

  ‘In a what?’ Josh wrinkles his nose.

  I glance at Pepper. She rolls her eyes. ‘Unbelievable,’ she mouths.

  ‘Mr Bradley and I handle all exercise programmes and outdoor chores,’ Miss Bunnock continues. ‘Meanwhile, our housekeeper, Mrs Moncrieff, will supervise you indoors. There is a rota of chores which all six of you are expected to adhere to.’

  ‘What kind of chores, Miss Bunnock?’ Kit asks politely.

  ‘Food preparation . . . cleaning . . .’ Miss Bunnock shrugs. ‘Now to finish there are just a few rules. We want you to focus on your personal development, hence the restrictions on clothes and make-up and electronic distractions. We also believe in the internalizing of discipline, which is why we insist you all carry out daily chores. However, outside your duties and sessions with staff, you’re free to roam wherever you want on the island. I’m afraid swimming is forbidden, for your own safety; the rocks in the sea around the island can be lethal.’

  ‘I wouldn’t go swimming in the ocean anyway,’ Anna breathes. ‘It’s far too scary.’

  I look down, suppressing the shiver that runs through me at the thought of the cold, dark, dangerous water.

  ‘You also need to be careful of the caves and bays where the tide can easily trap you unawares, and some of the rocks overlooking the sea are dangerous too, sheer drops to the water.’

  As Miss Bunnock continues, Kit moves closer so our shoulders are almost touching. The blood pumps furiously against my temples as Miss Bunnock explains that if we refuse to take part in the Lightsea programme the punishment will be Quiet Time, ‘a period of solitary and silent reflection undertaken in isolation, usually while carrying out additional chores’.

  ‘Weird, but not the worst, I guess,’ Kit whispers in my ear.

  I nod as Miss Bunnock talks on. At least if she’s droning on, I don’t have to work out what on earth to say to Kit.

  ‘Dinner is served at 5.30 pm promptly,’ Miss Bunnock continues. ‘Though tonight’s meal has been delayed until six due to Evie’s late arrival.’ My cheeks flush as everyone looks at me. Miss Bunnock clears her throat. ‘Free time after dinner, then it’s bedtime at eight-thirty and—’

  ‘What?’ Pepper shrieks. ‘You’re having a laugh, aren’t you? And why’s dinner so early?’

  ‘Yes, Miss,’ Josh adds drily. ‘It’s so early it’s practically breakfast.’

  Everyone except Kit and Miss Bunnock giggles.

  ‘Bedtime at eight-thirty with lights out at nine sharp,’ Miss Bunnock carries on.

  ‘But . . . but it’ll still be daylight at 9PM,’ Pepper protests. Beside her, Josh groans.

  ‘Not for long,’ Miss Bunnock announces, as if making the sun set earlier is part of her programme for us. ‘By next week, sunset in this part of Scotland will be before nine. Anyway, you need the sleep; you will be rising early ready for morning meditation at six-thirty. Our aim is to send you back to your parents in a healthy sleeping pattern.’

  This time everyone groans.

  ‘The rota for chores is pinned up in the kitchen. So it only remains for me to welcome you and to urge you to make the most of your stay here.’ She pauses. ‘Any questions?’

  Silence. Kit is still standing next to me. I can feel his presence even though I’m not looking at him. As Miss Bunnock walks out, I glance around. He’s gazing out of the window. How can I get him to talk to me again? I clear my throat and point to the smart-looking watch on his wrist. It’s black, with three interconnecting faces and lots of dials.

  ‘Is that watch your luxury item?’ I ask, my cheeks burning.

  ‘It is,’ he says. I’m suddenly aware that his accent is very upper class. ‘But it’s much more than a watch. It has a compass, a heart-rate monitor and it’s waterproof as well.’

  ‘That’ll come in handy if you fall off the rocks and can’t work out which direction to swim back to shore in,’ Josh drawls, a big grin on his face. ‘Where d’you get it, Scout Camp?’

  I smile too – there’s something infectious about Josh’s grin – but Kit bristles. I suddenly realise the others are watching us. I take in their faces one by one: Pepper, all cheekbones and raised eyebrows, pale, shy Anna and the third, sandy­haired boy whose name I don’t yet know. I turn to Josh. He looks cool in his black clothes. Fun. I’m sure he didn’t mean to upset Kit.

  ‘The watch was a present from my brother actually,’ Kit says with a scowl. He turns to me. ‘What’s your luxury, Evie?’

  All five of them look at me. I gulp, the heat rising in my face. How can I tell them about Irina’s ballet shoes? The last thing I want is to explain how Andrew and Janet kept her a secret from me for all those years. But if I mention the shoes it’s bound to lead to all sorts of questions.

  My mind races over various alternative items, discarding each one as either improbable or impractical. Maybe my clothes? No, I could hardly pretend my sweatpants or pumps are luxuries I’ve chosen to keep. And I don’t have any jewellery.

  I’m out of time. And options.

  What should I say?

  Eight

  ‘Go on, Evie,’ Pepper urges. ‘My luxury’s a picture of my horse and Anna’s is her old teddy bear. What’s yours?’

  Her bright dark eyes sparkle with curiosity. Beside her, Kit’s expression is softer, but just as interested.

  I take a deep breath. There’s no getting out of it. I am going to have to tell the truth. ‘Er, my real mum’s ballet shoes,’ I say.

  Oh God, how pathetic does that sound?

  ‘Your real mum?’ Josh smiles again. He has a narrow face, made longer by his shoulder-length hair, and the palest of pale blue eyes. Is he laughing at me? I don’t think so. There’s genuine warmth in his expression. I can’t stop my eyes flickering over to Kit. He just looks embarrassed.

  ‘Your mum’s a ballet dancer?’ Pepper says with a frown. ‘Wouldn’t she be a bit old for that? Or did she have you when she was, like, fourteen?’

  My insides tighten. ‘Er, actually, she used to be a dancer. She, um, died in a road accident when I was little. That’s why I said my “real” mum. I was actually brought up by my dad and his wife . . .’ I tail off. It feels odd referring to Janet as Dad’s wife rather than as ‘Mum’. Though technically it’s the truth.

  The others stare at me. I can tell they don’t know what to say.

  ‘My mum died when I was a baby too,’ Anna stammers, her face as red as mine. ‘But she was a secretary. I think it’s lovely you have her ballet shoes. My mum died in a house fire so all her possessions were burned with her.’

  Another silence. I stare at her. She clearly feels as self­conscious as I do. In that moment, it strikes me that here, where no one knows me, I don’t need to explain that Andrew and Janet lied to me for years and that I’ve only just found out about Irina. Here I can simply talk about her as my mother. Like Anna just did.

  ‘O-kay,’ Pepper interjects. ‘I think w
e should stop there, before this conversation gets any more depressing. Can you guys believe this place?’

  ‘No, man. It sucks big time,’ Josh grunts.

  I glance at Anna. She offers me a bashful smile. I nod to show I’m grateful she has shared such a big confidence, that I understand how daunting it is to tell people something so private.

  ‘I think it could be much worse,’ Kit says reasonably. ‘OK, so there’s a crazy bedtime and we have to do chores, but we get lots of free time too.’

  ‘Total Boy Scout,’ Josh mutters, though too quietly for Kit to hear.

  Another beeping alarm sounds. ‘Dinner,’ Pepper groans. ‘This is like a police state.’

  ‘Yeah, and I bet the food’s rubbish too,’ Josh adds.

  But it isn’t. It’s delicious – huge plates of tender meat, a tray of perfectly roasted vegetables plus a fluffy baked potato each and a big bowl of salad (no boring lettuce) that has grapes in it. Even better is the massive chocolate cake, oozing with fresh cream, ready for dessert. A grey-haired woman, short and round, like a barrel padded with cushions, is bustling about, setting down plates at the end of a long trestle table as we check out the rota of chores pinned on the wall above. I don’t appear to have any jobs tonight, though Pepper announces with theatrical horror that she and I are down to clean all the bathrooms tomorrow afternoon.

  ‘Can’t wait,’ I sigh as we tuck into the food. We’re in the kitchen, another bare-walled, stone-floored room, though this one is as warm as the library with a big oven that blazes out heat.

  ‘There you go.’ The woman who has served us steps back. ‘I’m Mrs Moncrieff, the housekeeper here. You’re to come to me if you need anything house-related and, of course, I’ll be overseeing clearing up, cleaning and food prep.’

  I glance at Pepper.

  ‘I hate chopping things,’ she whispers with a grimace. ‘In fact, I hate doing anything in the kitchen. When I’m older, I’m only ever eating takeaways.’

  ‘I like baking,’ Anna says shyly. She takes the chair between Josh and Kit. Pepper and I sit down opposite, next to the sandy­haired boy.

  ‘I’m Samuel and I like eating,’ he says, staring down at his plate. It’s the first thing I’ve heard him say.

  ‘Steady there, Samuel,’ Josh chuckles, ‘we all like eating.’

  ‘So I’ll leave you to enjoy your dinner,’ Mrs Moncrieff carries on. She points to the rota pinned to the wall. ‘Which of you are Anna and Kit? You’re on clearing-up duty tonight.’

  Anna raises her hand.

  ‘Yeah, that’s me,’ Kit says gruffly.

  ‘Very good,’ Mrs Moncrieff says. ‘Everything you need is by the sink.’

  I look down at my food, flashing with a sudden, stupid jealousy that it’s not me who’s going to be helping with Kit. I blow out my breath, hoping no one has noticed.

  Mrs Moncrieff bustles out and the six of us carry on eating. Pepper and Josh do most of the talking . . . their conversation revolves around all the things they hate about Lightsea so far.

  ‘Going to bed before it’s dark and all that cleaning,’ Pepper moans.

  ‘I’ll have no time to play my guitar,’ Josh grumbles.

  ‘What kind of things do you play?’ Pepper asks.

  ‘Indie stuff mostly, some of my own songs,’ Josh says modestly. ‘I can play some later if you like?’

  He looks at me as he speaks. ‘That’d be cool,’ I say.

  ‘Yeah, totally,’ Pepper says. ‘Anything to break the monotony. Can you believe no phones and no Wi-Fi?’

  ‘And no TV,’ Josh adds.

  ‘Or even radio, so no sports scores,’ Kit says, looking up. A faint line of freckles runs over the bridge of his nose. His hazel eyes are ringed in dark brown.

  It’s hard to tear my gaze away, his face is so perfect, but I force myself to look at Samuel who is sitting beside me. He hasn’t said anything since that rather bizarre announcement that he liked eating. He’s holding something small and metallic in his hand, flicking it over and over between his fingers.

  I peer more closely. ‘What’s that?’

  Samuel opens his palm to reveal a square silver lighter.

  ‘Miss Bunnock let you keep that?’

  Samuel looks at his plate. ‘Mr Bradley made me take out the lighter fluid,’ he says. ‘Fire needs fuel and heat and oxygen.’ He pauses. ‘I love fire.’

  I catch Pepper’s eye. She raises an eyebrow. ‘Fire and eating,’ she mouths.

  I suppress a giggle.

  ‘Yeah, fire is awesome,’ Josh says enthusiastically. ‘I once made a bonfire that spelled “bite me” on the playing fields at my school.’ He grimaces. ‘Though technically it’s not my school any more seeing as I was asked to leave.’

  ‘About five thousand pupils are permanently excluded from schools every year,’ Samuel says, looking across the room. He still hasn’t made eye contact with anyone.

  ‘Did you get sent here for setting fire to something?’ I ask, wondering why he’s acting so strangely.

  ‘No.’ Samuel stiffens, still staring across the room. ‘No, I’m here because my parents thought it might help.’

  ‘Help what?’ I ask. ‘Help how?’

  Samuel just shrugs. A minute or two later, he gets up from the table.

  ‘Where are you going?’ I ask.

  ‘Toilet. An average person pees seven times a day.’ He slips away.

  The conversation carries on, with Josh and Pepper still doing most of the talking. It turns out Pepper has been sent here for destroying her dad’s collection of vinyl records after her mum found out he had an affair with a woman at work. ‘He was on my case over everything anyway and it wasn’t his first affair,’ she explains darkly. ‘My mum’s so upset, but she refuses to dump him.’

  ‘That’s awful,’ Anna says in a shocked whisper. ‘I don’t blame you for wanting to get back at him.’

  ‘Me neither,’ Josh says.

  ‘Hey, where’s Samuel?’ Pepper asks.

  I glance sideways. ‘He said he was going to the bathroom.’

  ‘That was about two years ago,’ Pepper insists.

  ‘Perhaps he went looking for something else to enjoy eating,’ Josh suggests. Pepper laughs.

  ‘Or perhaps he just wanted to be on his own for a bit,’ Kit says pointedly. It’s the first thing he’s said since his comment about sports scores. I’m getting the definite impression he hasn’t taken a liking to Josh or Josh’s sense of humour.

  ‘Oh, do you think maybe he’s gone off to do a bit of meditating,’ Josh says with a chuckle. ‘Get ahead of the game for tomorrow.’

  ‘I’m dreading all that stuff.’ Anna’s lip trembles. ‘It sounds awful, just sitting doing nothing.’

  ‘Actually, I think it’ll be interesting,’ Kit says. ‘I’ve done a lot of rugby and we had sessions with a psychologist on handling performance pressures. We did yoga too; it was helpful.’

  ‘I thought you must have done rugby,’ I say, then feel my cheeks flushing. Could I make it any more obvious that I’ve been staring at his muscles?

  ‘You did yo-gah, did you, Kit?’ Josh says, mimicking Kit’s upper-class accent. He grins.

  I can’t help giggling. Pepper laughs too. It’s not really what Josh says that is funny, it’s the light, ironic way he says it. Kit’s face clouds. He stands up and grabs his plate, then heads over to the sink. A tense silence falls. Josh’s expressive face registers bemusement. ‘What did I do?’ he mouths.

  ‘I think you’re being a bit oversensitive, Kit,’ Pepper says. I wince. Pepper’s mission to speak her thoughts is all very well, but that’s too direct.

  ‘Well, I don’t think he is,’ Anna says quietly. She takes her plate and Josh’s and joins Kit at the sink.

  Pepper rolls her eyes. She turns to me. ‘So, Evie, you never said what you’re in here for. What did you do? I’m betting you ran away from home once too often, yeah?’

  I shake my head, embarrassed that the conversation has
come back to me again. At least I’m saved from answering: an alarm screeches out over our heads. As it pierces the air, Miss Bunnock rushes into the kitchen.

  She takes one look at us. ‘Have you seen Samuel?’ she demands.

  ‘Not for a while,’ Pepper says. ‘Why? What’s happened?’

  Miss Bunnock’s eyes widen. ‘He’s missing.’

  Nine

  Miss Bunnock ushers us out of the kitchen. She’s frowning, anxious. There’s no sign of Mrs Moncrieff, but a worried-looking, middle-aged man in worn corduroy trousers is tugging on a jacket in the hallway. As he sees us, his expression softens.

  ‘Mr Lomax, these are the August students,’ Miss Bunnock says.

  I stare at the man. His face is lined and his hair peppered with grey. So this is the man whose parents were friends with my grandparents. Gavin said David Lomax almost certainly met him and Irina when they were all kids. Does he remember either of them? I expect Miss Bunnock to introduce us, but Mr Lomax already knows our names.

  ‘Ah, welcome, Pepper, Anna, Kit and Josh,’ he says, looking at each of the others in turn. He turns to me and it may be my imagination, but I could swear his eyes linger as if he’s examining my face, looking for something he recognises. Could he be trying to see if I look like Irina did?

  ‘Hello, Evie, it’s a pleasure to meet you.’ Mr Lomax speaks slowly and deliberately, his voice as posh as Kit’s, but far deeper. ‘This is not the welcome to Lightsea I had hoped to give you all, but we need to find Samuel before it gets dark. There are no lights on the island, apart from those in and around the buildings, and though it’s fine for you all to explore the island I’m concerned poor Samuel may have wandered too far and got lost.’

  ‘If you ask me,’ Pepper says, ‘having met him, I’d say there’s no knowing what Samuel might do.’

  ‘Indeed.’ Mr Lomax smiles, but there’s real concern in his eyes. Despite its designer logo, his jacket has a hole at one elbow. Considering he owns the entire island, he surely could afford a new one. Or maybe he just doesn’t care about how he looks, like Janet. I’m itching to ask him if he remembers meeting Gavin and Irina, but there’s no way in front of all these people.