The Unwelcome

by Jacob Steven Mohr

  * * *

  “…can’t lighten up for one second. You’d think she…”

  “…might hear you, Ben, please…”

  “…and thank you, I might just let her hear, might do her some good to…”

  The voices dragged Kait bodily from the rolling depths of sleep, and when she opened her eyes the memory of where she was hit like a hangover. She was sprawled across the back seat of Ben Alden’s station wagon with her seatbelt slashing across her trachea, camping gear piled high around her. She’d crammed her balled-up Armistice College sweatshirt against the passenger window for a pillow, and one of her sneakers had lost its foot and tumbled down among the bungee cords and takeout containers on the floor. The light said early morning, a deeply unholy hour—but Ben was driving, and that meant it was Ben’s show. Ben wanted to make Simmes Creek by five and maybe the cabin by five-thirty, and tough shit to the late risers in the party.

  “… know that’s not true. She’s just…”

  Next to Ben in the front passenger’s seat, Alice Gorchuck’s dense thicket of ginger curls wobbled atop her head, and when her voice trailed off, the four white ribbons knotted into her hair waved like surrender. Kait felt a fist close around her heart. She’d heard this argument before. There was no mistaking it. From the jagged break in Ben’s voice and from Alice’s pleading responses, they could only be talking about her, Kait, good old Heart-Brecker herself.

  But it wasn’t the real Kait Brecker they were talking about. No—she knew it was this new model, the lurching, sulky creature she’d woken up inside. This was the rough beast thrilling the airwaves today. This was the Kait that Ben Alden hated.

  The Kait that Lutz Visgara had loved.

  “…the sun doesn’t shine out of her ass, the better…”

  Ben talking—a sharp downswing on the last syllable, capping his point as neatly as a Magic Marker. Ben, buttoned-down Ben, who wasn’t a lawyer yet but already dressed like one, though today he’d ditched his steam-pressed shirts for a cabled sweater and slim canvas pants. Ben couldn’t argue like the high-powered Washington lawyer he wanted to be or even like a sly southern one, with a drawl and an Ah-Objeect! and thumbs pressed up under his suspenders. But he had the cadence down pat. His voice wasn’t loud, just insistent, like a drill on half-power, driving in screw after screw until your head was full of holes and sawdust. It worked—especially if you were Alice Gorchuck and didn’t want to fight in the first place.

  “…a whole weekend like this. You know she doesn’t…”

  “Mrrfah.” Kait made herself heard with what she hoped was a convincing stretch-and-grunt. For extra effect, she kicked the back of the driver’s seat and blinked sleepily at Ben’s forehead, visible in the rearview mirror. “We there?” she asked.

  “Kaity!” Alice cried out, whipping around in her seat. “You’re awake…”

  In no time at all, she’d slipped loose of her seatbelt and was kneeling with her chin hooked over the plush headrest, peering down at Kait, an avalanche of curly red hair framing her heart-shaped face like tumbling flames.

  “Ooo. Lucky me.” Kait stretched again, for real this time, and began the laborious task of sitting upright. “How far to Riley’s?” she asked.

  Alice remained swiveled, watching her, unabashedly wide-eyed. But if she was searching for some tell that the conversation had been overheard, Kait gave none. Instead she did her best to smile, though her face did not seem to remember the correct sequence of movements. Her headphones, slung around her neck, belched white noise and tinny little guitars.

  “We’re here,” Ben answered testily.

  The station wagon puttered to a stop in front of a brown condo-style apartment building, and Kait hauled herself upright just in time for a curvaceous shape to bounce into view, lugging a monogrammed camping tote over one bronze shoulder and a pillow with a pink pillowcase under the opposite arm. The shape rapped sharply at the window near Kait’s head, and she caught a glimpse of black-and-orange nail polish as the offending knuckles retreated.

  “Halloo!” Riley sang out.

  “Halloo,” Kait parroted dubiously.

  She unlocked the passenger door, and it immediately sprang open, dumping loose backseat detritus out onto the street. Riley slid in beside Kait, dragging her tote and pillow with her and filling the air with the thick stink of perfume. Kait winced, feeling crowded. Riley Loomis wasn’t fat—to be precise, she was probably the least “fat” young woman Kait could think of in that instant, with the kind of figure Lutz insisted on calling the “Goldilocks proportions.” But her personality, like her perfume, was gaseous, and in the backseat of Ben Alden’s wood-paneled war chariot, Kait was already feeling quite smothered.

  “You’ll never believe the dream I had about Spencer Kittredge last night…” Riley began in a cheery voice—and before Kait could blink, out tumbled a charmless saga of tabloid filth that began with a mysterious self-locking closet and ended, improbably, with the entire Armistice College wrestling team. Kait sniffed and turned towards her window, but the two in the front seats snorted and clapped, egging Riley on while she mimed the escapade with her hands. Then Ben cranked the music and gunned the motor, and David Lee Roth started howling about how he’d been to the edge, baby, and the station wagon jolted forward.

  Kait re-buckled her seat belt and bent forward, rubbing the bridge of her nose between her fingertips. Was it big breasts that made you go slutty? Or were they just a symptom of this larger disease? She squeezed her eyes shut—a headache knocked just above her left ear, and she knew the noise and motion of the car would soon turn it into a barnburner. The old Kait, the pre-Lutz Kait, would never have asked a question like that, but now the pain in her head filled her up with black, oily thoughts. She sank lower in her seat, scowling to herself and briefly considered returning to sleep. But no, she decided—better to engage with the madness as long as humanly possible. Observe the breeders in their natural habitat and stay wary for signs of aggression…

  She kneaded her forehead. Enough. That was Lutz-talk, Lutz-rubbish, Lutz’s voice coming in hot over her internal intercom. And it was unfair, at least to Alice, who had at last turned from the back seat and was peering at her pink lipstick in the pull-down mirror over her head, her left hand resting delicately on Ben’s knee.

  Alice, sweet, apple-cheeked Alice. How long had they known each other? It was a struggle to recall, a fact that unsettled Kait’s stomach. Ten years? Twelve? Hadn’t they been children on a muddy playground together in some distant past—or was this, too, another false memory? No, this much held true, surely: Alice Gorchuck had been her friend. Her jump-puddle, mud-kneed friend. Back when her hair was candy-orange instead of dyed crimson, back when she’d been genuinely fat instead of merely pleasingly plump. But other than these two outliers, little had changed about the Alice she’d once known. There was no Alice-Mark-Two. Only this perfect prototype—imitated but never duplicated.

  A memory clunked loose. The two of them on a futon in front of a blazing television set, wrapped to their necks in bulky comforters and gorging on sugary Halloween plunder. Kait still wore her poofy pink princess dress, the tiara and scepter both broken and hucked in a rhododendron bush down the street, and Alice’s black witch-hat crouched askew atop the pile of her orange curls. A Fairly Odd Parents marathon was playing, and the girls clapped chocolatey hands over their sticky lips to stifle giggles. It was after midnight, and they were supposed to be asleep, of course, but the devastating combination of Nickelodeon cartoons and high-fructose corn syrup and this righteous, hot-blooded friendship kiboshed that idea entirely. They were eleven. The rumpus room was warm and dark, and outside the window the bright full moon was as big as a god. Life was rockin’.

  Then the memory flipped over, like a postcard. Another Halloween night, another year. But now it was Lutz by her side, not Alice. She was eighteen years old, and she had only been dating this new crazy boy a few short weeks. Lutz Visgara. Not a name a normal human being should hav
e—but then again, what was normal about Lutz? No declared major, no job, no gaggle of sweaty gym ape friends to crash around downtown with… No other friends at all, seemingly, save for a cousin or a stepsister who lurked in his apartment sometimes whom Kait was instructed to call “Jill ”. Sheepish good looks, lop-eared and grinning, game for anything; for Kait, Lutz would forever call to mind a baby lamb caught between the paws of a hungry predator and saying, Well, looks like you’ve got hold of me, big fella. What happens now? With that same oafish grin.

  Except it was Kait who got caught. He took her—not with passion but with shrugging shoulders and a sardonic eye-roll that condemned the whole wild world to flaccid mediocrity. But not Kait. No, Kait was immune. That’s what had bound them. He’d seen the twist in her nature, he told her once, clutching her hands in the middle of some wet empty cobblestone street on the bay side of downtown. The same crazed wildness that lived in him, the staring, alien thing they hid from the rest of the world. The thing that made them strangers in the crowded world. The thing that made them better. She pretended not to understand at first—Oh, just what every girl wants to hear, you big dork. But she was eighteen, and his words tugged at the tiny bell inside her, and it was a bell that could not be un-rung.

  That was the first time he kissed her, right in the middle of that rain-slick street. A taxi laid on the horn, bathing them in the gaze of its headlights. Lutz flipped the bird, and Kait mirrored the gesture unconsciously and kissed him back hard. It started to rain, only a drizzle at first, like a fine curtain, and in the blast of the headlights the droplets seemed to hang in the air around them as though time had surrendered to their power. Kait remembered all this, that the glow of the headlights and the gentle press of rain and Lutz’s lips and hands on her felt almost exactly like the touch of heaven. So that was the beginning of it, their first night together—they tumbled into his apartment, she recalled, fumbling off their clothes, clinging to each other like wet leaves cling to cold glass. And when the rain began to pound against the windows, it drowned out the sounds of her ecstasy like a hand clamped over her mouth.

  Then they flipped the world the big one—and they kept it up for four straight months.

  So, that Halloween: a Big Moon night, a witch’s night, like that one so long ago. She and Lutz were not in costume. Indeed, neither of them were wearing much clothes at all. They were on the couch, the television blasting AMC’s twenty-four-hour marathon of Invasion of the Body-Snatchers. Somebody knocks; Lutz answers, drunk enough not to bother with pants, just a pillow clutched over his nethers. And lo, there appears Alice, holding Kait’s half of their paired costumes. But Kait’s not there, no, Kait’s not home, no Kait here that I know of, says Lutz, sloppy drunk and leaning in the doorframe, the pillow laying forgotten on the carpet by his feet. And now Kait’s behind him saying Oh, I’m sorry-sorry-sorry, I ca-aaa-an’t, maybe next year, I forgot, really I did… But she’s giggling, too, giggling because Lutz is laughing—actually laughing at this wide-eyed girl on the doorstep, holding one half of a Thing One-Thing Two costume set and wearing the other, her hair all teased up in proper Seussian style…

  And Alice had been wearing Thing Two. Alice picked out the costumes and she gave Kait Thing One, and the little girl who lived inside the hollow bones of Kait Brecker knew, still knew, that Thing One was the best Thing—

  But Lutz had laughed and so Kait had laughed, and Alice stood there in her ridiculous red jumper and her ridiculous cloud of blue cartoon hair, a slack look on her round face. And behind her, the moon’s huge pale eye stared down, huge like you imagine God’s eyes as huge.

  The memory twisted once more, and so came the third night. Not Halloween, but a Big Moon night just the same, with a big black sky full of cold starlight. This was the night that drove the wedge between Kait Brecker and Lutz Visgara; it was the cold womb that birthed the squirming terror lodged in her heart. This new Kait slunk across campus, darting shadow to shadow, furtive as a mouse in a wheat field even if there was no one to observe her flight. She felt dozens of eyes on her. She knew enough now. The knife was still twisting in her.

  Her feet led her there. To the doorstep. And the moon made her knock—and eat your shame, Heart-Brecker, choke it down, eat it whole like a good girl. So there she stood, January’s breath cracking in her bones, when Alice Gorchuck opened the door.

  Alice—suddenly a vision in a lumpy Armistice College sweatshirt and green converse sneakers. A bowl of popcorn under one arm, half full, crumbs and butter smeared on her chest. Eyes wide with surprise, disbelief. Dull noise of a television in the background, a male voice laughing along to the canned laughter of a sitcom.

  “Kait…” she had whispered. “Kaity, your makeup’s runnin’…”

  “I’m sorry.” Kait wiped at her face, rubbed her ear, wiped her face again. “Alice,” she said, “I need… He… I think…”

  Then it was like a dam bursting. She surged forward into Alice’s arms, tears running hot down her face, cooling on her cheeks and on Alice’s buttery sweatshirt. Folded into the big girl’s arms, Kait felt the weight of four months crashing against her bulwarks like waves crushing the coast to pebbles, and when her friend whispered, “What happened?” close by her ear, it nearly split her open. “Kaity… Tell me, please…”

  Oh, the plea in that voice. The affection, the tender desperation. It would have been so easy, too, to fall back on obedience—to tell all, to make a full confession…

  But: “What did he do to you?” There was no answering that. Maybe the old Kait could have managed it, but there was nothing she could conjure now that would satisfy, that would stand up to even the slightest scrutiny. Alice led her by the hand into the flickering den, lit by what sounded like Friends reruns. Kait wouldn’t look—she was too occupied avoiding the eyes of the strange boy in the argyle sweater-vest coiled against one arm of the foldout futon couch. Alice sat her down, fetched her a drink, No please, just water, nothing strong, while this boy, Ben Alden, watched her like a butterfly squirming under ether. Alice sat her down on a folding camp chair and found a spot beside Ben for herself, and they both looked at her expectantly.

  So Kait confessed her sins.

  But she had to be careful. The knife was still in her; a wrong utterance could push it deep. So she chewed her words, spitting them out like cherry pits, keeping the dark red juice for herself, already learning to savor misery.

  And Alice fell for it, didn’t she. Buried her in that endless hug again, didn’t she. Cried real tears with her, rubbed her eyes, cried again, cursed Lutz’s name with a zealot’s passion—if words were lighting, her ex-beau might’ve been struck dead where he stood. And when this communion was over, she clapped her hands and invited Kait—no, Kaity, she’d said Kaity, hadn’t she?—to run away with them for the weekend. This boy Ben’s family owned a lake house up beyond Simmes Creek in the mountains, deep in real backcountry. And Kait could come with them, get away from her problems, find solace at the bottom of a bottle for a while. And in the ultimate act of self-immolation, Kait had actually said yes—

  * * *

  The car jostled over a bump in the highway; Ben groaned, Alice and Riley yelped, and the mix CD in the deck skipped from “Ain’t Talking Bout Love” to “No Time” without anybody noticing. Kait was bumped to the side, and in that instant she caught a glimpse of the entire interior of the car in the rearview in one brief flash. Her gaze flicked from face to face, from Ben to Alice to Riley to her, Kait. And for a moment, she almost recognized them all.

  “Thank you for inviting me,” she whispered. Then, a little louder: “I’ll make this up to you, really I will.” And she closed her eyes again.

  I’ll make this up to you if it kills me.

  Chapter 2

  Girlfriend

  I wonder what she’s thinking about.

  Alice squirmed beneath her seatbelt. The sun was climbing off the horizon, reflecting a blade of white light off the rear windshield of the Fiat leading Ben’s station wag
on. She squinted and shielded her eyes with one hand, then twisted down the sunshade on her side with the other. The mirror in the sunshade’s belly reflected the back seat of the station wagon in glorious widescreen: Riley texting, blushing and biting her lower lip at something on her phone; Kaity with her headphones on and nodding silently to something with lots of big guitar in it, her eyes shut and the hood of her sweatshirt up. A dozen anxieties clawed: what if Kaity had heard Ben before? Was her friend having second thoughts about the trip? What if she was pissed royal at Ben?

  Or pissed royal at her.

  Alice forced herself to glance away. Kaity’s face was inscrutable. Like somebody had slammed her shut like a door or a book. She adjusted the mirror again; Riley glanced up from her phone, leaned across to the center of the back seat, and pulled a face at her reflection. Alice stuck her tongue out and forged a giggle. When had this happened? When had her friend disappeared behind the clouds? Oh, there had been a time when even a slow lift of the eyebrows could have passed like a secret handshake between them, but now? Now Kaity’s mind was a cave in the mountains, something hidden and strange. Now the book was closed to her.

  “What’re you doing?”

  Ben’s voice cut through the music and through her thoughts—Kaity’s eyes flicked up, and Alice quickly averted her gaze again. “Oh. Just checking my makeup. You know.”