by Lee Winter
“I know. But even so, you’re still hers, aren’t you? Hell, it kills me I’m so slow on the uptake that I didn’t realize what I was seeing at your party. The way you study her? The way you defend her? I thought it was respect. But it’s much more. Bess, you’re in love with her. And I’d really appreciate it if you wouldn’t lie to me right now. I’d like to think I deserve more than that. Don’t you trust me?”
Elizabeth rubbed her face. “It’s not about trust or you. With Grace…it’s complicated.”
“Really.” Summer’s eyebrows hit her hairline. “Next you’ll say I’m just imagining everything. And while I do agree Grace might not want you sexually, there’s more than one way to desire someone. Because it’s plain as day that Grace craves you a great deal.”
Frowning, Elizabeth said, “She doesn’t want me at all.”
“No? The way she defines your view of your career and makes comments about you with these weird undertones? It’s possessive. It’s an old, old tale: Beautiful woman falls for her mentor. Mentor lives for the attention, feels special. And she protects that relationship at all costs. Grace is worried that your friendship with someone new—me—might divide your loyalties. Maybe you’ll forget all about her? Well, no way will she put up with that. Especially since Grace’s days of adoration and fame aren’t what they used to be, are they?”
“Grace deserves to be feted,” Elizabeth said with an aggrieved look. “It’s an outrage people here can’t see what’s so obvious.”
“Bess,” Summer sighed, “this isn’t about Grace’s abilities. Anyone can see she has incredible talent. This is about how she uses your interest in her, your…love…to feel good about herself.”
“She doesn’t.” Elizabeth’s expression was grim. “That’s not possible.”
No denial about the love then? Sadness filled Summer at the confirmation. Well, at least she hadn’t pretended it wasn’t true. “How can you be so certain?”
Elizabeth appeared to be debating whether to answer.
“Please?”
“I know because Grace has no idea how I feel about…” She stopped, looking pained.
“Her?”
“Women. She doesn’t know I…” Elizabeth shook her head. “We’ve been friends for seventeen years and she doesn’t even know I’m a lesbian.”
“But how’s that possible?” Summer asked gently. “You’re so close.”
“I’ve been extremely careful.” She lifted her chin. “And I’m a fairly decent actress when I set my mind to it. You may have noticed Grace can be a little…distracted on matters unrelated to herself? That’s been useful.”
It was a fair point. The more Summer thought about it, the more it made sense. Grace didn’t seem to care about anything that didn’t directly affect her. She probably absorbed Elizabeth’s love as a mentor worship that was her due, and never thought about what else it might mean. How…sad.
“I’m sorry she doesn’t really see you,” Summer said delicately.
“She does, most of the time.” Elizabeth examined her fingernails. “Just on this one issue, she doesn’t seem…she can be oblivious.”
Summer nodded.
“And she does care about me. She drove all the way out here to see me yesterday to make sure I was okay.”
Oh, sure, that’s why. For the briefest second, Summer saw doubt flicker into Elizabeth’s eyes. “Do your friends know?” she asked, searching for a new topic. “About you?”
Elizabeth shot her a disgruntled look. “How I feel about Grace is no one’s concern. It’s bad enough that you… that—”
“I don’t mean about your feelings for Grace. I meant you and women in general.”
Elizabeth exhaled. “They might have guessed.”
“You’ve never told them?”
“Well, Alex. We dated briefly. Years ago.”
That explained some things. “Apart from her?”
Elizabeth clenched her jaw and didn’t reply.
“Bess, your friends are great. They’re warm and welcoming and obviously wouldn’t judge you, since half of them are gay too. What are you afraid of?”
Eyes narrowing, Elizabeth’s tone turned ice cold. “I came to find you because we’re friends, and I thought I might have hurt you last night. I would hate that. But you do not get to pick over my life choices and judge me.”
“Don’t get to…” Summer gaped. “Well, I’m sorry if you think I’ve strayed into your enormous conversational no-fly zone, but exactly what rights do I have in this friendship? You set all the terms. And if I ask one awkward question, I get snapped at like I’m a creepy reporter wanting to dig out all your secrets, even though you already know all mine. Yet when you forget yourself, when you kiss me like it counts for something, well, that’s nothing to get upset about. Just one little mistake. Moving on.”
“I already explained about that.”
“No, you lied about that. You kissed me because you’re attracted to me.” Summer’s tone dared her to argue.
Elizabeth’s mouth opened, then closed.
“And that’s okay; it happens. I mean, hell, you already know I’m attracted to you.”
“Summer—”
“The problem isn’t that. It’s how you made me feel. It’s like the old saying, if you can’t be with the one you want, be with the one you’re with. You were worked up and you knew I wouldn’t say no, so you decided to have some fun with the one you were with.”
Elizabeth looked appalled by the charge. Hurt crossed her eyes. “You feel that I’m so calculating? That I think so little of you? Is that really what you believe about me?”
Summer studied her outrage. Was it? She thought about that. There’d been nothing premeditated about Elizabeth last night. She’d seemed almost giddy. Excited. And she’d just…
“No,” Summer finally admitted. “No, I don’t think that.”
“Thank you.” Elizabeth exhaled. “I had no business kissing you like that. Especially given…everything else. It was a foolish moment that I didn’t think through. I’m not…prone to them.”
“You’re not, are you? You’re very self-contained.”
“I like to be professional.”
“Yes.” Summer hesitated. “Can you just tell me one thing? I understand now that you keep secrets from everyone. All your friends. You keep all of us at arm’s length, don’t you?”
Silence. Elizabeth twitched. “Is that your question?”
“Do you even know why?”
Elizabeth’s face closed over. Her jaw hardened.
“Okay. It’s fine.” Summer smoothed her hands down her jeans. “You don’t have to say. I just thought maybe you’d like to talk about it sometime. We do have a lot in common.”
It was a little insulting how incredulous Elizabeth’s snort of laughter was. “We do?”
“Sure. We’re both closeted actresses in LA, working on a Jean-Claude film and on the same TV show. We enjoy Shakespeare, London, guayusa cacao tea from Blackie’s Tea House in Cambridge but nowhere else, and we happen to adore all your friends, give or take one.” Summer grinned. “Come on, that’s a huge amount in common.”
Elizabeth’s smile warmed. “Perhaps.” Her face opened up a little. “I concede that point.”
“Mmm.” Summer rested her chin on her fist and stared out over the vista below. “I wish you weren’t so hard to get to know.” Oh geez. “Um…I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”
Elizabeth fidgeted. “Why do you care?” She seemed genuinely confused.
“I’ve never met anyone like you before. I’d really like to understand you better. I already think you’re interesting. But I’d love to know all of you. The pieces you don’t often share with people. The little things that make you you.”
The smile fell away. Elizabeth exhaled. “It’s not that easy.”
“Sorry. I know it’s not.” Well, it’d been a long-shot.
“I meant, I’m not sure how. People think I’m aloof and cold and I get labeled ‘uptight Brit’ quite often. But the truth is, I’m reserved even among reserved people.” She hesitated.
“You’re shy,” Summer guessed.
Elizabeth conceded a tiny nod. “To the point of introverted. And I’m aware that is ridiculous for a performer.”
“No, a fair few actors are, actually. It’s not that strange. It’s why they escape into other people.”
“I find it helps to live another life on stage. It’s the only time I feel truly free. I felt it yesterday in our scene. I was alive. I love that feeling. I can disappear under the spotlight and be anyone. When I did Shakespeare’s Women, it was exhilarating. Everything felt possible.” Her eyes took on a faraway look. “But then…I always come crashing back to earth. The lights come up and I’m reminded of reality. And my emotional situation, regarding Grace, has been challenging.”
Elizabeth didn’t elaborate, so Summer turned that over. “Because you’ve been protecting yourself so carefully so she’d never know how you feel?”
She didn’t answer for a few minutes. “It’s become a habit of so long, drawing my feelings tight inside myself so that all anyone sees is walls. And somewhere along the line, I think it became a habit to never let myself be spontaneous or open. I weigh up every word, every emotion, before daring to express it. It’s become a protective skin I can’t shed at whim. This is who I am now.” She looked at Summer closely. “Do you understand how out of character it was for me to do what I did last night? Having a spontaneous moment…a bold one at that…is an aberration that astonishes me.”
Summer blinked. “I guess so.”
“You say you’ve never met anyone like me? Well, I can’t even fathom you. I sometimes wonder what it’s like to be you. So open about everything and everyone. Doing things on a whim. Like that day you decided Hunt’s reputation needed saving? You just jumped in without thought.”
“Oh, I gave it plenty of thought, trust me.”
“Fine, but you took the risk anyway. How did you know it’d work out? How do you just say what you think and feel? Don’t you worry it’ll be used against you? To hurt you?”
It hadn’t really occurred to her. “No?”
“No.” Elizabeth gave a faintly amazed laugh. “And I’m guessing everyone in your life knows you’re gay?”
“Definitely. I’d like to be out officially one day, for all the other little gays kids who need some extra courage. We’re just figuring out timing.”
“I see.” Elizabeth’s knuckles whitened as her hands formed fists. “Even the thought of being out fills me with dread. To be so exposed? Open to abuse?”
“Because you’d feel too vulnerable?”
“Of course. But that’s not all of it. I’ve been loathed for years by so many people who don’t even know me, and coming out would just be adding more vitriol to my pyre. I can imagine the hate mail then. God, it’s wearying.”
“You might be surprised. People aren’t always their worst selves. I have hope it’s changing.”
“You’re not a villain, Summer. Our coming out stories would be met with very different reactions.”
“Maybe you’re right. I’m sorry if you are. But I’d like to point out not everyone hates you.” Summer tossed her a bright smile. “I may have mentioned before that the entire LA Goldstars basketball team loves you. Or, they love Dr. Hunt, at least.”
“That’s the name of Chloe’s team?” Elizabeth made a choking noise, somewhere between a laugh and a wheeze. “Could they be a little gay by any chance?”
“What gave it away?” Summer laughed. “Yeah, everyone is except for Chloe. She jokes she’s the token straight.”
“So, basically, you’re saying I’m universally despised by all except a handful of lesbian basketballers?” Elizabeth drawled. “How reassuring.”
“It’s not just them. For some reason, I like you a lot, too. Even though you confuse the hell out of me at times. You’re talented, interesting, and really funny when you choose to be. I think maybe you’re stuck in my head like a Madonna song.” Summer stood, offering her hand to Elizabeth. “Don’t worry, only one of the good ones. Like Vogue.”
Elizabeth took her hand and rose. “I never know how to respond when you blurt out random things like that. Were you always like this? Forthright to a fault?”
They began walking back to the set.
“Oh no,” Summer said. “Only when I got older. When I was Punky, I was this skinny, wide-eyed kid who found fame overwhelming. I was recognized everywhere and I just wanted to crawl away and hide. Then my parents got that trilogy in London. Usually Autumn and I stayed with our grandparents when our parents did long-term location stuff. But this time, while Autumn stayed home to finish high school, Mom insisted I come with them, so I could spend my awkward teenage years somewhere normal as an unknown. It saved my sanity.”
“Wise.”
“Even Mom has her moments.”
“I liked your mother. She was amusing, warm, and compassionate. I…appreciated her.”
“Of course you did. She kept embarrassing me for your amusement.”
“Just a little.” Elizabeth huffed out a tiny laugh. “You have her eyes, by the way. And smile. You do look quite alike. She’s beautiful.”
Summer’s stride stuttered.
“What?” Elizabeth glanced at her.
“You realize you just called me beautiful.”
Elizabeth’s cheeks took on a slightly pink tinge. “I did no such thing.”
“Yeah, you did,” Summer teased.
“Oh, for God’s… Fine.” The tinge on Elizabeth’s cheeks reddened. “I’m obviously not blind. You are attractive.”
“And…”
“And what?”
“That’s why you kissed me.”
“Must we?” Elizabeth looked pained.
“Yep.” Grinning, Summer added, “So…did you enjoy kissing me?”
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. “It was…enjoyable. As if you couldn’t tell.” Her expression became rueful. “Even though I’m very sorry I took leave of my senses and didn’t think it through in the least. I’m sorry if you felt used.”
“I believe you.” Summer sobered. She gave the tiniest half grin, feeling both sheepish and sad. “Just…please don’t do it again, okay? I’m serious. I don’t care how much it blew the top of my head off.”
Elizabeth’s eyebrows lifted in surprise.
“No, don’t get cocky,” Summer said. “I loved the kiss. But I’m a real person with real feelings and just because you’re in the mood to…whatever that was…you can’t do that to me again. It hurts later when you explain how it was nothing. If you ever kiss me again, you have to mean it with every fiber of your being. Do you understand? Because I’m not strong enough for this. You can’t play with me. Okay?”
Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “I promise. And I’m sor—”
“I know you are.” Summer waved her hand. “Let’s just forget it. Move on. Be…friends.”
“Of course.”
Summer’s jaw firmed. “God. What a day. Or week, really.”
“And the rest. This has been an absurd couple of months, pretending to be in love with you to get a role while being secretly closeted to the world.”
Summer laughed. “It’d make a good British farce.”
“Oh, I’m sure.” They approached their trailer. “Can I offer you a reparations dinner?” Elizabeth asked. “I somehow ended up with lots and lots of cheese. Plus there’s Diet Coke. And bad eighties music. I found someone’s mix CD behind the microwave. And, at the risk of invoking Madonna again, the first track is Holiday, so you just know it’s going to be diabolical.”
“Wow, black fizz and high art. You kn
ow how to woo a girl.” Summer grinned briefly before the smile fell away. There’d be no wooing by Elizabeth. If nothing else, she’d learned that today. The woman’s heart was set on Grace.
Elizabeth’s expression became regretful. “Summer, if things were different, if I didn’t have someone else I…someone I can’t quite shake, no matter how often I try, then this would be a whole different conversation. I think you’re beautiful, inside and out.”
Summer’s cheeks warmed at the compliment. Wait. Someone I can’t quite shake? She’d been trying? Hope surged, and Summer hated herself for it. This was hard enough as it was.
“I have gin,” Elizabeth upped the ante. “I hear that makes everything better. Although I may just be quoting myself.”
“Almost as good as beer.”
At Elizabeth’s shocked look, Summer elbowed her lightly in the ribs. “God, you English are easy to mess with. At least I didn’t suggest microwaving tea.”
“Oh. My. God.” Elizabeth glared at her. “Infidel.”
“Yeah, I know. But I think I’ll leave you to your Hendrick’s and Madonna, okay? I need a time out. There’s a lot for me to think about.”
“I understand. Until tomorrow then,” Elizabeth smiled. “Post-Madonna.”
“If such a world exists.”
That earned a relaxed laugh and a wave, before the click of Elizabeth’s trailer door closing shut.
Summer stared at the door for a few moments, amazed at how much had changed in a day.
Chapter 19
Summer had stayed on for a few days after the filming of her scenes ended. She was debating whether to stay the full week, having a mini vacation, as Jean-Claude had offered. If nothing else she could enjoy the wrap party; God knew the Frenchman threw good ones. It was tempting, especially given how things were with Elizabeth.
They’d fallen into a habit of relaxing together after Elizabeth wrapped each day. Summer would ply her with cups of tea and silly stories, while Elizabeth kicked off her shoes, peeled off her flannel shirt, and collapsed on the couch. As Elizabeth sipped the tea, she’d always shoot Summer such a profoundly grateful look that it made her insides squeeze.
