by Cameron Lund
I was furious with Mrs. Epling. How could she come up with an activity like this? How could she let us make pretty boxes and put them on our desks and expect everyone to actually follow her stupid rule?
And then, instead of an answer, I vomited all over myself—all over the pretty lace box on my desk, all over my bright red shirt with the sparkly heart. It was everywhere and it smelled disgusting.
“Holy shit!” Mrs. Epling said before she could stop herself.
“Ewwww,” Olivia whined.
And then Kai: “It’s Pukey Penelope! Don’t let her touch you. She’s contagious.”
In front of me now, Kai winces. “I told you I was sorry about that.”
“Just because you apologize for something doesn’t cancel out the fact that you did it.”
“I know.” He sighs. “But I can’t take back the fact that I said it. All I can do is apologize. And no matter how many times I do, you’re still going to hate me forever.”
“Yes,” I say.
“What about the rules?” he asks now. “Didn’t we agree to get along?”
“You just make it so difficult.”
“Okay, well, how do you suggest we step this up?” He cracks his knuckles, all business. “You said you didn’t want to kiss me or say you love me, so I don’t really know how we can be more convincing.”
“I’m not kissing you,” I snap.
“I know,” he says. “I’m disgusting and you would never.”
“I’ll think of something else.” And then I have an idea. I pause for a second and then run my hands through my hair, trying to muss it up a bit. It’s already a little windblown from the boat, but I want to make it look like someone has been running their hands through it. “They’re gonna wonder where we are.”
“I think they’ve probably made some educated guesses.”
“Let’s give them some more clues.”
He follows my lead and runs his hands through his hair too, messing it up so it’s standing on end. Laughing, he reaches down and grabs a handful of leaves and pine needles and drops them on his head.
“Ew, stop. I wouldn’t make out with a dirty forest person.”
“You were overcome with passion,” he says, grinning. “You pulled me back here and pushed me to the ground. I would have leaves in my hair.”
“There are spiders on the ground,” I refute. “I wouldn’t do that. I pressed you against that tree.”
“Okay,” he says, taking a step back and leaning against the tree behind him. Then he reaches out and takes my hands, gently pulling me closer to him. For some reason, I let him do it, taking the final step to close the gap between us so our bodies are almost touching. We’re close enough to kiss, if we wanted to. Which we don’t, obviously.
“So what happens next?” Kai asks, his voice low. “After you push me against the tree.”
“Okay.” My voice is breathy. “So then I run my hands through your hair. Like this.” I slide my hands around the back of his head, running my fingers through the strands of his hair. It’s soft, would be gloriously silky if not for the leaves he just dumped there.
“Me too,” he says, and then he cups his hands around my head too, the feel of his fingers a delicious tingle. He plays with my hair, running his fingers through it, leaving it the kind of messy that only a make-out session could produce. Well, a make-out session or . . . this.
We’re so close together that I can feel his breath on my lips, and for a second I’m tempted to close the distance and finish this. I’m reminded suddenly of Jordan’s party—that flash of memory, a kiss in the laundry room, still fuzzy around the edges.
But kissing Kai right now would be crazy. We’re not even in front of anyone. If I were to ever kiss him, there would have to be an audience; it would have to be because Jordan and Olivia were watching.
So I take a step back, putting space between us. “We should head inside.”
There’s a distant burst of thunder, and I know we have to get to the cabin soon. The air smells electric, like the kind of summer storm that crashes in for an hour and then disappears, leaving everything wet and torn apart.
Kai shakes his head and blinks a few times, as if waking up from a daze. “Um, yeah. Okay.”
“I think our story is pretty believable.” I turn around and start to walk back through the trees toward the cabin, but then I stop short. “Oh no.” I bring my hand to my mouth, pressing my lips to my palm. When I pull back I’m horrified to see an imprint there, two bright red lips. Oh no, no, no. “My red lipstick.”
“What about it?” Kai asks. “It looks nice.”
I show him my palm. “Ugh, every girl knows you never wear red lipstick if you’re expecting to kiss a boy. I’m such an idiot.”
“Well, yes,” Kai says, and I glare at him. “But to be fair, you weren’t planning on kissing anyone.”
“Yeah, but it’s a giveaway! If we were dating for real, I would not have worn this color. I would have been making out with you all over the place.” I turn around to look at him, his mussed-up hair, the leaves on his head, stuck to his shirt. He looks thoroughly kissed. He’s just missing the most important detail.
“You would have this lipstick all over your face if I had actually pushed you against that tree.”
“So put it all over my face,” he says, shrugging.
I dig through my pockets hoping somehow I’ll find the lipstick hidden somewhere in my shorts—that maybe I can just apply some of it on his lips. But I know it’s not there. I can picture it sitting on the bathroom sink on the first floor, right where I left it.
There’s another rumble of thunder, closer this time.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Kai says. “Let’s just drop it. I don’t want you to feel like you have to—”
But I don’t let him finish. I close the space between us and kiss him before I can change my mind. It’s not a real kiss, just a quick press of my lips on his, just enough to leave my mark on him. My heart is pounding from adrenaline. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I feel wild, out of control, like the kind of girl who acts impulsively, who kisses boys she hates.
I pull away and then leave another quick kiss on the side of his mouth and then, bringing my head lower, kiss the soft skin of his neck. Kai sucks in a sharp breath.
When I pull back, I can see I’ve left a trail of red lipstick marks. Perfect.
Kai’s eyes must have closed because I watch them slowly open and look at me with surprise. “Um, that was . . . unexpected.”
“You look much better now,” I say, my voice shaky. I’m trying to sound calm and collected even though my heart is beating wildly in my chest. “You look properly ravaged.”
“I feel properly ravaged,” he says. The wind has picked up a bit, and it’s making his hair look even messier.
“That wasn’t real,” I remind him. “That was just because of the lipstick.” I turn away from him and walk back toward the cabin, glad he can’t see the flaming red of my cheeks. I feel the first drop of rain on my arm and know we have to hurry if we want to get inside before we’re drenched.
“I know,” he says, following quickly behind me.
“I just don’t want you to get any ideas,” I say. “Don’t forget the rules.”
“I know the rules,” he says.
I start to run then, through the patch of trees and around to the front of the house. We get to the front porch right as the clouds open up above us and the rain pours down. I’m screaming—because of the rain drenching my skin, but also because it feels good to scream. I need to release some of this anxious energy inside me.
I mentioned the rules for Kai’s sake, but I know I’m the one who needs to keep herself in check. The rules are there for a reason. They’re to keep this whole thing under control, to keep us from spiraling out into uncharted territory. They’re to keep me fro
m getting hurt.
And I know what just happened between us was so not a part of the rules. I can’t let it happen again. I don’t know how it happened at all.
THEN
JUNIOR YEAR—NOVEMBER
TEXTING JORDAN BECOMES a regular thing. He sends me snaps in the morning on the way to school, shoots me stupid pictures from soccer practice. Every time my phone pings, I’m filled with a giddy rush of nerves. I can’t believe Jordan is talking to me. I can’t believe Jordan is talking to me.
“So he really likes you or something, huh?” Olivia asks with a playful shove of her shoulder. We’re at Starbucks after school, sitting out at the little wrought iron tables on the sidewalk. The air is getting crisper now—it’s partway through November—and it smells like fall. My coffee is warm and comforting and delicious. I am a pumpkin spice bitch, and I have no shame.
“We’re just talking,” I say. “It’s nothing official.”
“Do you think he’s talking to any other girls?” Olivia takes a long, slurping sip of her drink, and when she pulls back there’s a bit of whipped cream on her nose. Of course I’ve wondered who else Jordan is talking to, but hearing Olivia actually say the words out loud makes it a real possibility, and my stomach churns.
“I mean, probably, yeah. He’s Jordan Parker.”
“I saw him give Annie Chen a ride home after practice the other day. You know, that sophomore who’s in our journalism class?”
I feel a little short of breath at her words. Like, obviously, Jordan and I aren’t exclusive, so there’s nothing I can say or do here. I have no rights on who he spends his time with. But still—Annie Chen is so pretty. “Was she watching practice, you think?”
“Who knows?” Olivia answers. “I stayed late in the darkroom, and then I went over to the field to say hi to the guys and Jordan was leaving with her. Kai said she was all over him.”
“Well, I’m used to that.” I take another sip and try to let the pumpkin spice and the perfect day soothe me. “It’s fine. We’re not together.”
“It’s so annoying, though,” Olivia says. “Whoever dates you better treat you right or I’ll kill ’em. Jordan isn’t good enough for you.”
I feel my cheeks warm at her compliment and bump my shoulder against hers, sweater to sweater. “C’mon, Liv, you know that is so not true.”
“I’m just looking out for you. Jordan is our guy. Those sophomore bitches need to stay away.”
“You’re right,” I say. “Thanks.”
“I’ll always look out for my girl,” she says, tipping her cup to me. “My best friend deserves the whole freaking world.”
“You’re the dollop of whipped cream in my pumpkin spice latte,” I say with a smile.
“What’s a dollop? Isn’t that like an old-timey sexy lady?”
“That’s a trollop.” I laugh. “You’re one of those too.”
“Well, then you’re a strumpet.”
“That one sounds like a cookie. Do you think Starbucks sells strumpets?”
“We should ask them.”
“Definitely. Love you, Liv.” I feel so mixed up inside, so many different emotions fighting in my chest, but there’s one thing I’m sure of. Olivia will always have my back. And she’s someone you want on your side—someone who will rage and fight and scratch out the eyes of your enemy just because you ask her to.
“Love you too.”
NOW
KAI AND I TUMBLE THROUGH the screen door, and everyone is there in the living room, giving us the kinds of looks that make it very clear this step of the plan worked like a charm.
Jordan is leaning back on one of the couches, Olivia next to him. When they see us burst through the door in a crash of thunder—laughing and tousled and damp—Olivia narrows her eyes and then shifts a little so she’s sitting in Jordan’s lap. It’s an obvious move, and it actually makes me feel a little better. It’s proof she’s jealous, that pressing my red lips to Kai’s was actually worth something.
“Holy shit, did you guys get caught in a tornado out there?” Romina asks.
“Kai, my man,” Danny calls out. “Did you get attacked by a bear?”
Kai wraps a wet arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him, placing a quick kiss on the top of my leaf-strewn head. “A very cute bear.”
Olivia groans. “Well, I think it’s trashy.”
“Liv, that’s not fair and you know it,” Jordan says, squeezing her arm. She glances at him and he stares back at her, and something passes between them unspoken. I don’t like it. You have to be close with someone to do that.
“Matt and I would never have sex in the woods.” Katie taps her phone against her palm.
“We didn’t have sex.” That’s not what this was supposed to be.
“This was only a glorious make-out sesh,” Kai says, following my lead. “She pushed me against a tree.”
“You’ve got lipstick all over your face,” Myriah says.
Jordan presses his lips together in a tight line. “Penny, you never used to kiss me when you did your makeup like that.” I can’t tell from his tone how he’s feeling—if he’s jealous or just confused—but his words stir something in me.
Olivia smacks him on the arm. “Don’t talk about that. It’s weird.”
“Guess I’m too irresistible.” Kai grins.
I want to tell him he’s being annoying again, but I keep my thoughts in check. Instead, I try to think of something nice to say. “Just couldn’t keep my hands off him.”
I flash Kai a winning smile and he beams down at me and we are so good at this.
We spend the next few hours getting showered and changed and ready for the night. Romina makes us quesadillas on the stove (the cabin isn’t stocked with food, and it seems all she bought on her grocery run was a giant bag of vegan cheese and various carbs to accompany it), and then we all eat them with our hands, standing in a group around the kitchen island.
The rain doesn’t let up at all—instead it gets worse, bright flashes of lighting, booms of thunder that shake the rickety walls of the cabin. At one point there’s a boom so loud the deer head on the wall actually moves and we all scream, thinking it’s come alive or might crash down to the floor.
“Well, there go any plans for fireworks,” Myriah says. “Happy Fourth of July.”
“I mean, this is kinda the same thing, right?” Romina says with a shrug as there’s another crash overhead. Myriah is on one of the couches, curled up on a blanket, and Romina is sitting on one of the bar stools all the way across the room. It’s body language that makes it clear they still haven’t sorted anything out.
“I wanted to have a campfire.” Olivia pouts. “We could light the fireplace maybe?”
“No way,” Romina rushes to answer. “I have no idea how that thing works.”
“Well, this sucks.” Katie folds her arms over her chest. “We’re, like . . . trapped inside all night with nothing to do. I wish Matt were here.”
“Do your parents have anything to drink?” Olivia asks, rummaging through the cupboards.
“No,” Romina says. “I mean, yeah, they do, but we can’t drink it. They would notice.”
“But they don’t come here very often, right?” Katie follows Olivia’s lead and starts looking. “We could probably find someone to replace it before they come back. My sister could get something.”
Olivia finds it then—some bottles of wine in the back of the pantry, and she picks one up, wiggling it back and forth in excitement. She pouts again, using her babiest baby voice, pretending to make the bottle of wine speak to us. “Pleeeease, Romina. Let them drink me. Your parents won’t notice, and I bet I’ve been in this pantry for years.”
“Ugh, okay, fine.” Romina starts laughing and then opens the silverware drawer and hands Olivia a corkscrew.
Olivia twists open the bottle of wine
and everyone cheers, and I’m a little annoyed. I still don’t want to drink, and I guess I never really noticed until this summer how much we all depend on alcohol to make a party fun. I wish we could just hang out.
But I can’t say any of this out loud.
Romina gathers some glasses out of the cabinet and then pours each of us a bit of the wine. I take the glass but don’t drink it.
“I have an idea,” Olivia says, a wicked grin spreading over her face. “Let’s play truth or dare.”
“No way!” Katie whines. “You’re gonna make me do something stupid.”
“Hell yeah,” Danny says, finishing his cup of wine in one big gulp.
“Get over yourself, Katie,” Olivia says, and then she heads into the living room, sitting down cross-legged on the rug. “Everyone get in a circle. It’ll be fun.”
“I don’t know,” Jordan says, but he still follows her. “This might be a bad idea.”
“Bad ideas are the best kind of ideas,” she says, waggling her eyebrows at him.
I’m with Jordan on this one—this sounds like it could only end in disaster. I don’t want Olivia daring me to do anything, not when she’s mad at me. I don’t know what kind of crazy ideas she might come up with. And I don’t want to admit to any truths either, especially when Kai and I are right in the middle of the biggest lie.
But then everyone is circling around Olivia on the floor, and I’m dragged over there with them. I don’t know how to say no when everyone else is saying yes. I can’t be the only one who doesn’t play. Not when my position in the group is so precarious.
But I feel a little sick.
Kai sits down next to me in the circle and gives my knee a comforting squeeze. He took a shower after we got back inside, so the lipstick marks have been scrubbed from his cheeks, the leaves and dirt washed out of his hair. He’s still got the lipstick kiss on the side of his neck, though. When I asked him about it, he shrugged and told me he liked that one.
