by Cameron Lund
“You good?” he asks now, leaning close to me so that no one else can hear. “We can make up some excuse. Go have another breathtaking make-out sesh in the room if you want to bail.”
But I shake my head. “No, it’s fine.” I don’t want to be the kind of girl who runs away. Besides, I want to keep my eyes on Jordan. It’s better to know what he’s up to than to wonder about it from downstairs.
“Okay, I’ll start,” Romina says. “Katie, truth or dare?”
Katie looks at her hesitantly, wrapping and unwrapping a curl of hair around her finger. “Um, dare, I guess.”
Romina thinks for a minute. “Okay . . . I dare you to microwave some cheese and then pour it onto Danny’s chest and lick it off.”
We all scream.
“Ewwwww,” Katie shrieks. “No way!”
“That is the foulest thing I’ve ever heard,” Olivia says. “Romina, your mind is a filthy place.”
“Guilty as charged.” Romina grins.
“I’m not doing it,” Katie says.
“You said dare, Katie, you have to.” Olivia shrugs, her voice calm.
“Do I get a say in this?” Danny asks. “I mean, I totally want her to do it. But just checking.”
“She has to,” Olivia says.
“Ugh, fine. You suck.” Katie stands up and then grabs the bag of cheese from the fridge, sprinkling some into a bowl and microwaving it for fifteen seconds. Soon a delicious cheesy smell fills the room. We all watch as Danny takes off his shirt, waiting for the bowl to cool, and then Katie tenses, hesitating for a second before she pours it out onto his chest. Then we all scream and cover our eyes as she licks it off. It’s weird, and gross, and I feel a little bad for Katie, because I can tell by the way she’s chewing on her bottom lip and staring down at the rug that she didn’t want to do it.
But Olivia is too persuasive.
“Okay, Olivia,” she says pointedly, once we’ve all calmed down. “Truth or dare?”
“Dare,” Olivia says. “Obviously.”
Katie’s eyes are glittery with mischief. “Okay, I dare you to kiss Kai.”
I suck in a sharp breath at her words, anxiety pooling in my stomach. I shake my head, trying to snap out of it.
Olivia lets out a harsh laugh. “What the hell? I’m not doing that.”
“You made me do mine!”
“But he’s my . . . he and I . . .” It’s weird to see Olivia sputtering like this, so flustered and out of control. “Fine,” she says, and then she crawls across the circle to Kai. My heart is thumping wildly in my chest and I don’t know why. I know they dated for like six months, but I still feel weird about it. He’s supposed to be mine now, and even though it’s fake, this still feels wrong.
Kai glances at me and we lock eyes, and then Olivia is right in front of him, so he pulls his gaze from mine to hers. “Hey,” he says to her quietly.
She chews on her bottom lip. “Let’s just get it over with.”
And then they’re kissing, softly and gently, the kind of kiss that looks practiced. It’s tender and comfortable and even though they’ve been snapping at each other for the past few weeks, I can tell they care. There’s something between them still, something this lie between us can’t take away.
Or maybe our lie is making them stronger. Good. That was the whole point. I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away earlier out in the trees. Because this kiss is a reminder of what this is all about—why we’re doing what we’re doing. Kai is only helping me because he wants Olivia back.
And once he and Olivia get back together, then everything will be normal again. Jordan will be free to fall back in love with me. So when everyone starts cheering and laughing and clapping as they kiss, I do too.
It feels like a million years, but finally they pull apart, faces flushed.
“That was the hottest thing ever,” Romina says. “I’m screaming.”
Kai sits back down next to me, and I can’t look at him. I’m too aware of his arm next to mine. I can tell he’s looking at me, though, that he’s probably trying to say something, but I keep staring at the floor. I don’t know what is wrong with me.
And then Olivia jolts me out of it.
“My dear, sweet Penelope,” she says, and I tear my gaze up from the floor to look at her. She smiles, her teeth pointy like a shark’s. “What’ll it be? Truth or dare?”
“Um . . . truth,” I say, after a long pause. I don’t know which is more dangerous. But I’m afraid picking dare might lead me to someplace I’m not comfortable. At least with truth, I can lie.
“Interesting choice,” she says. “Okay, let’s see.” She pauses, letting the tension build. “Who do you like more? Jordan or Kai?”
There’s a hush around the room, broken by Katie, who is giggling quietly behind her hand. I feel the air sucked out of my lungs at her words. How the hell am I supposed to answer this question? What is the best move? I don’t want to ruin this plan with Kai, but I don’t want Jordan to think I’ve forgotten him.
“You don’t have to answer,” Kai says, and I turn to him thankfully, but then I can’t help it and my eyes find Jordan. He’s looking right at me, chewing on his bottom lip, and when I see him I want to kiss the worry off his face. It’s supposed to be Jordan sitting next to me in this circle, supposed to be Jordan giving my knee a comforting squeeze.
“Um, yeah, she totally does,” Olivia says.
“If I had to lick hot cheese off Danny’s chest,” Katie says, “Penny is not getting out of this one.”
“Vegan cheese,” Danny says, “which is even worse.”
“I . . .” My voice trails off, because I’m too confused, too panicked. “I don’t know.”
“That’s not an answer.” Olivia leans forward, her hands pressed into the rug.
“Well, maybe that’s how she honestly feels,” Myriah says. “Emotions are complicated.”
“No,” Olivia says, her voice sharp. “Pick one.”
“Which one is the better kisser?” Katie takes a sip of her wine and laughs.
“Do you actually like Kai or is he just a rebound?” Olivia asks.
“Hey, lay off her,” Kai cuts in.
“You just don’t want to hear the answer.” Olivia smiles, and I notice her teeth are stained red.
“She only has to answer the first one,” Myriah says. “Don’t be unfair.”
“This isn’t cool, Olivia,” Jordan says finally.
“She cheated on you,” Olivia says. “I don’t know why you’re always defending her.”
There’s another loud crack of thunder overhead.
“Leave her alone, guys,” Romina says. “This is supposed to be fun.”
“Jordan or Kai?” Olivia repeats. The words swim in my head, and I’m dizzy from them, even though I haven’t even had a sip of wine. Jordan or Kai? Jordan or Kai? Jordan or Kai?
“I don’t want to play.” I jump up and stumble out of the circle, and before I can think about the implications of ditching the game, I leave them and head down the stairs. I don’t even care that it’s still pouring rain, that it’s dark and creepy down there in the storm. All I know is I’ve had enough of Olivia. I don’t want to sit there and just take it. I’m so done.
This whole time, despite all of Olivia’s mean comments, I’ve been so sure I wanted Olivia to forgive me. I wanted things to go back to exactly the way they used to be: Olivia as my best friend, Jordan as my boyfriend. I did a terrible thing—I was the one to destroy our friendship—so I’ve felt I deserved her anger, that I needed to feel the pain of every wound.
But for the first time I’m not so sure. I’ve been so spoiled all these years to be Olivia’s best friend, because it meant I got only love and attention from her and none of the bite. I thought I would do anything to be her best friend again. But maybe I’m better off without her.<
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I close myself in the bedroom and stare in the mirror over the dresser. The girl that looks back at me is pale and tired and trying so hard to look like she isn’t. Her hair is still damp from the shower, her lips painted red again, her cheeks glowing with highlight. She’s pretty enough. I just wish she were braver, and stronger, and tougher. I wish she were confident enough to say what she felt instead of wrapping herself up in a big lie.
There’s a soft knock on the door, and I yell at it. “Go away, Tanaka!” I so don’t want to deal with him right now.
But then the door cracks open and I’m surprised to see Jordan’s face instead. “Um, it’s not Kai, actually. Can I come in?”
I straighten, trying to calm myself, bringing my hands up to twist my hair into a more pleasant shape. “Um, yeah. Yeah, come in.”
Jordan enters and closes the door softly behind him, and then we stand awkwardly, looking at each other. I’m so instantly aware that we’re in a bedroom alone together, that there is a bed only a few feet away from us. There isn’t really anywhere to sit in here except for on the bottom bunk, and I think we both know instinctively how weird that would be. So we stand. Jordan lifts my hairbrush off the dresser and starts playing with it, his hands distracted.
“Does Olivia know you’re down here?” I ask, and he shrugs.
“Olivia can deal.”
“She’ll be mad,” I say.
“Just wanted to see if you were okay.”
“I’ve been better.”
“Me too,” he says. “That was weird when they kissed earlier, right?” He fiddles with the hairbrush. It’s so strange that Jordan and I are together in this, playing the parts of two people who just watched the people they’re into make out. I’ve been dying to get Jordan alone, to try to convince him I’ve made a mistake, and now here he finally is. And I don’t know what to say.
“They still like each other,” I say, wondering how Jordan will take it. Kai has been so over the top about his love for me, I don’t know if it’s the best idea.
“Yeah.” Jordan shrugs. “Well . . . when you break up, sometimes you can’t turn those feelings off right away.” He takes a step closer to me. “Like, your head tells you to get over it and move on, but your heart says, Fuck that.”
“They have too much history.” I take another step closer to him. We’re only about a foot apart now, so close I could reach out and touch him, but I don’t. There’s a spark of tension between us, the air in the room crackling with it. “They like each other even though they shouldn’t.”
“Yeah, I mean, you try to be angry, but . . . you still care.”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I feel like I’m always angry about everything.”
“Yeah?” Jordan takes a step back and the tension breaks. “Okay. Got it.”
We look at each other for a while longer, the silence stretching unbearably between us. There’s too much to say, and I don’t know how to say it. I don’t want to say the wrong thing and mess this up. Suddenly, I’m back in his tree house, lying down on the floor and looking at the stars through slits in the ceiling. I’m riding piggyback on him down the sidewalk, holding tight around his shoulders so he doesn’t drop me. We’re studying together in his kitchen, pulling faces at each other when his parents won’t stop making out. I should be able to talk to him about how I feel. It’s just—we usually spent most of our time together kissing, and now that we can’t do that, I don’t really know how to act.
“Cool,” he says. “Well, I’m gonna go back upstairs.”
“Okay,” I say softly. “I’ll see you up there.”
He reaches out and squeezes my arm. “Okay.”
My heart folds in on itself then, a dying thing. Because even though the word he’s saying is okay, it sounds a little too much like goodbye.
THEN
JUNIOR YEAR—NOVEMBER
IT’S FRIDAY OF THANKSGIVING break when Jordan finally invites me to hang out.
I’ve spent the last two nights cooped up in the house with Seb, bored out of my freaking mind. There’s a wreckage of leftover Chinese takeout boxes scattered on the kitchen counters, old Friends reruns looping on the TV. Jordan’s text comes right as I’m starting to feel like I’m becoming one with the couch.
Have you ever seen a Hallmark movie? he asks. I think I am actually in pain.
Not watching football, then? I text back.
He sends me a picture of Kai and Olivia on a sofa, pizza slices laid out in front of them on the coffee table. Olivia has her middle finger up and pointed at the camera.
These two won’t let me. They’re holding the TV hostage.
I’m annoyed at first that Olivia is hanging out with Jordan without me. But based on the picture, the twinkle lights strung up behind them on wooden slats, I can tell they’re in Kai’s barn, so I understand why he didn’t invite me.
Olivia loves hating on those movies, I respond, trying to pretend I’m fine about everything. You’ll never drag her away.
And then the text that changes everything: You should come over. Put me out of my misery, Harris.
And so it is. My mom drops me off at Kai’s house an hour later—once I’ve changed my outfit three times and curled my hair. I want to look good, but also natural. Like this is how I look all the time. Like I didn’t just eat twenty-five pounds of Chinese takeout.
Kai’s barn isn’t really a barn anymore, although I think it was built for horses back before his family owned it. Now it’s a mix between a storage shed and a hangout space. There are a few lumpy couches, some piles of blankets, a plastic folding table we sometimes use for flip cup, and an old TV, crooked on its stand. Kai told us once that his mom let him keep it out in the barn when it broke. There are always tons of bugs, and it’s pretty drafty, but it’s still a great spot to hang out.
Except for the fact that Kai is always here too.
I push open the creaky barn door and see them. Jordan is sprawled sideways on one of the couches, his long legs stretched out on the cushions. Olivia is on the floor beneath his feet, knees crossed, sipping out of a can of Coke. Kai is on the other couch, facing me, so he notices me first.
“What are you doing here?”
“Jordan invited me,” I say, defensive.
Jordan and Olivia turn away from the TV then and look at me.
“I needed reinforcements,” Jordan says. He rearranges his body and clears an empty spot on the couch next to him. “Harris, save us! Please tell these guys that literally any other channel would be better than this one.”
“Kai doesn’t have Netflix because he lives in 1995,” Olivia says. I walk hesitantly into the room. I wish I could feel more confident, take my place on the couch next to Jordan like I belong there, but there’s so much with this situation that could go wrong. Sitting next to Jordan is terrifying, but sitting next to Jordan at Kai’s house is even worse.
Still, I take a deep breath and do it anyway. The couch shifts as I sit down and I fall into Jordan, touching him all the way down from our legs up to our shoulders. I try to rearrange myself—I don’t want to make it seem like I’m trying too hard to get with him—but that feels weird too, so I stay still, my cheeks flaming so hot I feel like I might combust.
But then he makes everything better because he wraps his arm around me and pulls me closer. “This movie is the worst,” he says, voice low.
“That’s the whole point.” Olivia rolls her eyes. “The point is to hate it and love that you hate it.”
Jordan turns to her. “I don’t get that, though. Why purposefully put yourself through something you hate? That’s enjoyable to you guys?”
“Aw, you’re so wholesome, Jordan,” Olivia says, a teasing tone. “It gives off the illusion that you’re actually nice.”
“Hey,” Jordan says. “I am nice!”
Olivia lets out a barking la
ugh. “Sure, Jan.”
“What is this movie, anyway?” I ask.
“Okay, so she’s this powerful executive in the big city,” Olivia says, sitting up straighter, her eyes gleaming. “And the guy owns a Christmas tree farm in Vermont. But her company wants to knock down his farm and build a ski resort on top of it.”
“They’ve played that Joni Mitchell song like three times already,” Kai says. “About paving paradise.”
“‘Big Yellow Taxi,’” I add, before I can help it.
“Right.” He smiles. “And oh god, they’re both so white. They’re, like . . . podcast people. Prius people.”
“Ed Sheeran people?” I add. Kai laughs, and I’m unexpectedly pleased.
“So of course they hate each other,” Olivia continues. “But in the end the spirit of Christmas will bring them together and she’ll quit her job or some bullshit because obviously women can’t fall in love and be CEOs at the same time.”
“See, I don’t get that either,” Jordan says.
“What, feminism?” Olivia asks.
“Not that,” Jordan says. “This plot is stupid. In real life you don’t fall in love with the woman who is going to plow your Christmas tree farm.”
“I mean, I’d be pretty into someone plowing my farm,” Kai says, and my eyes roll back so far in my head I feel like they might get stuck there.
“Like, people don’t go from hating each other to falling in love. It’s unrealistic.” Jordan shifts so his body is pressing even closer to mine and my breath catches.
“It depends,” Kai says. “It depends why you hate them. Like if the reason is something you can forgive.”
“There’s a difference between, like . . . real, true hate, and just being mad,” Olivia says.
Jordan looks at me. “What do you think, Harris?”
I can barely think having him this close. “I think love is complicated.” Even saying the word love in front of Jordan makes me feel like I’m going to die from embarrassment.
“Well, I think this movie is torture,” Jordan says.
