Heartbreakers and Fakers
Page 27
“Do you have your key card?” Olivia asks, looking at me expectantly.
I dig through my bag and find it, then tap it lightly against the door. We walk silently into the room. It’s disappointing to think back to how excited I once was about this moment—my first big overnight in a hotel, getting to share a room with Olivia. I remember how thrilled we were to try to sneak into the boys’ room, to raid the vending machine for chips and cookies and come back here, staying up all night watching Disney movies. I can see it all before me as I enter the room and put my suitcase down on one of the beds.
But I couldn’t be that girl again even if I wanted to. Things are different now. Still, I just hate this so much. I think about Sarah’s words from the other night: If you make a bad choice, you have to try to fix it. You have to put in the work to make things better. I don’t expect Olivia to forgive me anymore; I don’t know if I even want her to. But I need her to know I’m sorry.
“Olivia,” I say, unzipping my suitcase. “Can we talk?”
She pulls out her makeup bag. “I don’t know what you could possibly have to say to me.”
“I shouldn’t have kissed Kai.” I raise my hands as if in surrender. “I’m sorry.”
She folds her arms. “Yes, obviously you shouldn’t have kissed Kai.”
Something in her tone prickles—because even though what I did was wrong, Olivia isn’t totally innocent in this either. “I shouldn’t have,” I repeat. “But you spent the whole school year trying to get me to want him, and then when your plan actually worked, you got mad.” I bring my toothbrush into the bathroom and set it down on top of a tissue.
“That’s not fair,” she says, following me into the bathroom with her makeup bag. She slams it down a little too hard on the counter in a way I know might damage an eye shadow palette. “You were supposed to break up with Jordan, not make out with my boyfriend.”
“But he wasn’t actually your boyfriend!”
“Yeah, but you didn’t know that. You were my best friend, and you still kissed him even though you thought he was mine.”
“You wanted Jordan the whole time we were together!”
I’ve seen so many movies where couples pretend to date each other for some silly reason or other—to win a bet, or earn an inheritance, or make someone jealous. In the movies, it’s always fun and hilarious and full of lighthearted mishaps. But the truth is, in real life, messing with people’s feelings isn’t okay. Olivia and I were manipulating each other, toying with each other’s emotions all for the sake of some stupid boys. That’s not lighthearted or fun or cute. It’s messed up.
Olivia presses her hands into her eyes, taking a gulping breath. “I was with Jordan first,” she says, voice quiet. “I knew you had a crush on him. You wished for him on that stupid candle. I’m sorry, but you didn’t actually even know him, Penny. Every time you’d try to talk to him, you’d just clam up. You’d been obsessed with him since first grade, but you didn’t actually know him. I knew him. Jordan was my friend. And then when I started to like him, I was just supposed to back off because you’d staked some ridiculous claim on him? That wasn’t fair. I’m not sorry I slept with him, Penny. I’m just sorry about how he treated me afterward.”
“I don’t think . . .” I try to interrupt, but Olivia holds up a hand to stop me.
“No, let me finish. Please.”
“Okay.” I take a seat on the edge of the sink.
“When Jordan was sleeping with other girls, it sucked, but I could deal with it. I’m tough. I’d hear rumors about all the girls he was with, but none of them lasted. And it was okay that you liked him too, because it didn’t matter. It wasn’t real. Your crush on him was harmless. But then he started showing interest in you back, and I couldn’t handle it. He said things to you he never said to me. He bought you presents and held your hand in public. I mean, even after you cheated on him he still defended you at every possible moment. Still acted like I was the bad guy.”
She takes a tube of highlighter out of her bag and dabs it on her cheeks. “You and Jordan started hanging out, and it sucked, but still I knew it was going to be okay because he was going to drop you too. Drop you like he dropped me. And maybe I would tell you then about everything between us and we could cry over it together. But then he didn’t. You guys became official. And you weren’t even sleeping together! You didn’t sleep with him for months, and I had slept with him like it was nothing and he was done. But you were worth holding out for. I was furious. I am furious.”
“Then be furious with Jordan!” It’s just so typical. Girls always get mad at the other girl instead of taking things out on the boy who’s wronged them.
“When you and Jordan got together,” Olivia continues, “I knew Kai could help me. He’s been my friend through all of it. And I knew he had a thing for you—even if he claimed to hate you or whatever. I mean, all of us wanted you and Kai to get together. So he and I made a deal. If he said nice things about me to Jordan—talked me up—I would say nice things about Kai to you.”
“So all that stuff you said about Kai. How he’s the world’s best kisser. All those things—”
“I made it all up. The only time Kai and I have ever kissed was during truth or dare.”
“But you . . . I thought you guys . . .”
“It was never supposed to last this long. You guys were supposed to figure out you were with the wrong person. You were supposed to get jealous and break up. But you didn’t. God, you just kept dating. For months. And then you told me you were going to sleep with him and I knew. I knew our plan was never going to work. We’d tried it and we’d failed. We were going to stage a big breakup at that party and move on with our lives. I was going to back off and let you have Jordan. And then I saw you kissing Kai. You don’t get to have both of them, Penny. That’s not how life works.” Her eyes moisten with tears, and she dabs at them with the side of her pinkie, keeping them in. It’s all wrong. Olivia isn’t supposed to be this fragile. She doesn’t cry, and she doesn’t let down her guard, and she doesn’t bother herself with petty emotions.
“Olivia,” I say, meeting her steely gaze in the mirror. “Why do you want Jordan if he makes you feel like this?”
“Because nobody else wants me.” Her eyes in the mirror soften, lose their hard edge for just a second, and my heart breaks for her. I think I get it for the first time. Olivia is human just like the rest of us. Maybe—just like me—she’s always thought of herself as second best.
“But you’re amazing,” I say. “You’re incredible. Why else do you think I’ve been your best friend for so many years? You contain multitudes. I loved you, Liv.” The past tense just slips out, and I realize it’s true. There’s no getting back what we had. And it’s probably for the best. I don’t want to let guys get in between us, but this isn’t about Jordan and Kai at all. Not really. Our friendship hasn’t been healthy for a while. Real, true friends wouldn’t do what we both did to each other. We always said we’d be best friends forever—we even had the necklaces to prove it—but sometimes you outgrow friendships. Forever is such a long time.
“If I was so amazing, we wouldn’t be in this situation,” she says, meeting my gaze in the mirror.
“I just think you deserve better—”
“I don’t need your advice, Penny. I’m fine, actually.” She spins away from me, setting the highlighter down on the counter. “I’m gonna go find Katie, okay?”
She leaves the hotel suite, slamming the door behind her. And I’m alone.
NOW
I DECIDE TO SKIP dinner and stay in my room, eating some chips from the vending machine, the gentle hum of the air conditioner a sad downgrade from the tropical thunderstorms of the Rainforest Cafe. Olivia gets back late, and I hear her stumbling around in the dark as she tries not to wake me.
The next morning we get up before the sun for the second time in a row. Olivia and I ge
t packed for the day together in silence, put on our makeup in silence, get dressed in silence. I fill my Mrs. Potts backpack—my headphones, a water bottle, some granola bars in case I get hungry and don’t want to spend a million dollars on a sandwich in the park. And then my hand lingers on Kai’s book. I know it’s stupid to bring it. It’s just going to be extra weight I’ll have to carry around. But I place it gently in my bag anyway.
We’re all supposed to meet down in the lobby before walking over to the park together. I don’t really want to hang around all the people who hate me, so I head toward the hotel café to get an iced coffee instead. I’m almost all the way in line before I notice Myriah and Romina standing together in front of me. Romina sees me and nudges Myriah’s shoulder. I freeze, fighting the urge to back away.
“Do you hate us or something?” Romina asks, folding her arms.
“What?” I ask, caught off guard. “Why would I hate you?”
“Well, you’ve been straight up avoiding us this whole trip. It fucking sucks, Penny.”
“But . . . I lied to you. I thought you hated me.”
Myriah squeezes Romina’s hand and lets go, taking a step closer to me. “We don’t hate you.” She fiddles with the end of her braid. “I mean yeah, you lied to us. But avoiding us doesn’t fix anything. And I understand why you and Kai did it. I’m not even really that mad. I’m just . . . sad. I want you to trust me. We’re supposed to be friends.”
I know she’s right. It’s just like my mom said. All I’ve done this summer is run from my problems. And instead of owning up to my mistakes, I’ve just created more of them, piling lies on top of lies. But I don’t want to be the type of person who cheats, who betrays her friends, who lies to cover it up. I don’t want to trick everyone into thinking I’m a better person. I just want to be one.
“I’m sorry. Myriah, you’re just so great and . . . I didn’t want to let you down. You all wanted Kai and me to be together and it was easier to just go with it than admit the truth.”
“Well, I’m sorry too,” she says. “That was kind of unfair of us. You were with Jordan. We should have respected that.”
“Well, if we’re all saying sorry,” Romina says, clearing her throat, “then I’m sorry about that video. I mean, you shouldn’t have cheated or lied, but I shouldn’t have posted something like that. I was just caught up in the moment and I—”
“It’s okay,” I say. “I get it.”
“Olivia just has a way of pulling you in and making you do stupid shit,” she continues. “But it’s always about her, you know? You remember when we were at the cabin and it was raining and Olivia wanted us to drink my parents’ wine? We all just did it. I had to find someone to buy us some replacement bottles and paid them all my money from cello lessons, and I was so terrified my parents would find out. Like, my parents are so strict, and you know things have gotten even trickier since I came out. And I’d already gone out on a limb having you all stay there. It’s just stuff like that.”
“Maybe we all kind of suck in our own ways,” I say, and Myriah snorts. And even though I’m just joking, I realize it’s kind of true. None of us are perfect. We’ve all made mistakes. But being friends with someone means knowing all the ugly, messed-up parts of them too. What all of us had before wasn’t friendship—not exactly. It was like we were pretending to be friends. It was all fake.
“I would have still liked you,” Myriah says. “If you had told me the truth.”
* * *
• • • • • •
We head back to the lobby and I find Sarah, sitting beside her while we wait for the chaperones to take attendance. She’s mid-rant about the racist stereotypes in Dumbo when the elevator dings and Kai emerges. My breath catches—an involuntary reaction—because he’s wearing a pair of homemade Mickey Mouse ears. He glances over at me and our eyes meet for just a second and I can tell my cheeks are pink.
I know it’s a gesture for me—Kai, who thinks dressing up is pointless, who has been teasing me mercilessly the past month about my love of Disney. Sarah knows it too because she nudges me a little too aggressively with her elbow.
When we get to the park, we scan our tickets and walk through the main gates together as a class, greeted by cheerful tinkling music. I recognize my favorite song from The Little Mermaid played on a shimmering flute. It’s a beautiful sunny day, happy laughing people all around us. It’s so freaking whimsical.
And even though I’m happy about making up with Myriah and Romina and I’m dressed like a literal Disney princess, everything still feels off. We all kind of walk as a group down Main Street until the guys break off and head toward the Star Wars area, Danny practically skipping with joy, all six feet of him vibrating with excitement. He’s wearing one of his favorite Star Wars shirts: PALPATINE FOR PRESIDENT. Kai and Jordan follow on either side, and I know they’re just trying to be good friends to Danny, but it’s weird to see them together.
The castle stands tall before us, sun glinting off its blue turrets, and I remember I’m supposed to meet up with Jordan there later, a plan that feels a little more lackluster than I expected.
We walk by an ice-cream parlor, a candy store, a line of children waiting to meet Pluto, who is signing autographs and jumping around like a real dog. There’s a cart selling twenty-five-dollar mouse ears. I nudge Sarah with my shoulder. “See? And those ones aren’t even Disco Cats–themed.”
She touches the sparkly mouse ears on her head, which she is graciously wearing just for me. “You’re right. Your crafting skills have saved me a whole twenty-five dollars I was definitely going to spend.”
There’s a surprising shriek then and we all stop, turning to watch as Katie runs straight for Pluto. Even Olivia gapes at her in confusion as she cuts the line of children and waves at him. He looks at her, crawling away from the kids he’s supposed to be taking pictures with. He waves and then taps his wrist, like he’s indicating a watch, and then turns and scampers through an alley between buildings and is gone.
“Did . . . Katie just scare away Pluto?” Romina asks.
“I think you traumatized him,” Myriah says.
Katie turns back to all of us. “It’s Matt!”
“What?” I ask.
“You mean like . . . Matt the ghost?” Olivia asks. “Matt who doesn’t exist?”
“I told you guys he worked at Disney!” Katie says.
“You for sure never told us that,” Romina says.
A minute later, Pluto comes back out to greet the line, and behind him is a tall, skinny white boy with brown hair and glasses. His face is flushed red from the heat. He runs to Katie and wraps his arms around her.
“I’m not allowed to break character,” he says. “I had to send out my replacement.”
They make kissy faces at each other, and it’s actually kind of sweet. I make eye contact with Olivia for just a second before she looks away, but I know we’re both feeling the impact of this moment the same way. Of course Matt was real all along. Why did we ever doubt her?
Sarah and I break off from the crowd together then. There are still several hours until I’m supposed to meet up with Jordan at noon, so I pull her onto the rides I’ve been dreaming about since I was a kid: Pirates of the Caribbean, which smells like the chlorine of the local pool; Indiana Jones, fast and bumpy and stomach-flipping. We eat popcorn from the vendor in front of New Orleans, climb through Tarzan’s Treehouse. She even lets me take her onto It’s a Small World, despite the fact that she tells me the dolls will place a curse upon my entire family for generations.
At one point, we bump into Myriah and Romina, and they join us too. I keep waiting for something to go wrong—for Romina to take a joke too far, for Sarah to snap back at her—but it doesn’t happen. It feels like we’re all building a bridge to a tentative friendship, something brittle, too flimsy to walk across, but something that might become magical.
Sarah’s face lights up in excitement—her music face. “It’s my boyfriend’s SoundCloud, actually.” She pulls the headphones from around her neck and hands them to Myriah. “I know that’s super embarrassing to listen to your own boyfriend’s music, but he’s so talented. He writes all the songs for our band.”
“You have a boyfriend?” Myriah asks, taking the headphones.
“You’re in a band?” Romina asks, her eyes lighting up. “You have to send me the info. I make fucking baller playlists. I’m putting you guys on one.”
Romina makes plans to check out the next Disco Cats show, and Myriah gets excited because she loves to dance more than any of us. And it’s fun. It’s different than I imagined the day going, but in the end it actually doesn’t matter. It feels amazing not to overanalyze everything I say, not to be on constant alert from someone’s judgment.
But I can’t stop my mind from wandering back to Kai. Every time the peak of Splash Mountain appears in the distance, I’m reminded of him. The thing is, ignoring Kai is starting to make me feel just as miserable as fighting with him used to.
“You should just text him and put me out of my misery,” Sarah says at one point when she catches me staring off into space during the show in the Enchanted Tiki Room, instead of the appropriate reaction to that attraction, which is, of course, sheer terror.
“Text who?” I ask her.
“You know he’s staring sadly at all the Baby Yoda dolls over in the Star Wars area, feeling all wounded and alone,” Romina says.
“He’s probably pretending to date the Baby Yoda dolls and then breaking their hearts.”
“Did Kai break your heart, Penny?” Sarah asks. “Or did you break his?”