The Lady and Her Secret Lover

by Jenn LeBlanc

  “Miss?”

  Ellie shook off the thoughts. “I beg your pardon. I’ll be going. I was…thinking.”

  He brushed past her and disappeared down the staircase into the foyer.

  Ellie turned and shuffled up the steps, headed to find the only person she trusted for certain.

  Louisa

  Louisa stopped in one of the hallways near the gallery and sat on a small bench. She’d never understood why there were benches and small settees strewn about the house, but today she couldn’t be more thankful to be able to sit and rest and think for one simple moment. She didn’t want to go a single step further. She twisted her hands in her skirt and closed her eyes. She wanted to say a prayer, but she wasn’t sure what she should say, or if God would even listen. If everything she’d been taught were true…

  But she could hope.

  How many people ask for a sign? How many people beg You to tell them that what they feel is real, and true, and what You’ve designed for them? I refuse to believe that You’d create us only to watch some of us suffer, to catch our tears. Why would I feel this way if it wasn’t borne into me? If You made me… If You truly did make me, all of me, why would You have made this part of me? Louisa swiped a tear from her cheek and pressed on.

  I am not supposed to need, I am not supposed to question, but at this moment I have nothing but questions. I’m so terribly lost. I could use a guide, something to follow. You gave Joseph a star… She paused, working up her bravery. She’d never asked for anything for herself. As a good and penitent girl, she’d only ever asked for blessings on her friends and family—for herself, only forgiveness. To ask for more than that, it wasn’t something she was supposed to do. As well, she couldn’t ask forgiveness for something that seemed a gift to her—she refused to do so.

  Louisa took a deep breath.

  Dear God, please give me a sign, some small piece of hope. I wish to be good and true, but right this moment I’m having a difficult time. I’m certain You’re busy—I’m certain You’re busy with so many pressing issues, but if You can see it in Your infinite wisdom that I should be on this path…please God, give me a star to follow.

  The touch at her cheek was so infinitely delicate, Louisa wasn’t sure she’d felt it until she heard the voice.

  “Louisa?”

  Ellie.

  Louisa didn’t move. She felt the bench sway next to her, the warmth of Ellie’s body as it leaned into her side. She felt her press toward her, then her lips on her cheek as she kissed away a tear with such reverence that Louisa shuddered.

  Dear God, please don’t tempt me so in the moment you know me weak.

  She couldn’t open her eyes but felt Ellie’s hand drift down her arms, her fingers tangling with her own.

  “Won’t you take me to the gallery?” she asked.

  Please God. Louisa tensed for a moment, then opened her eyes on her lap, her hands clenched with Ellie’s, their fingers a knot of tension. She shifted her gaze, following Ellie’s arm, and stopped when she came to the fabric of her gown. The white linen was carefully embroidered with hundreds of diminutive bursts of color in a pale blue silk thread that shimmered against the plain background. Once again Louisa couldn’t move as her breath stole from her.

  “You’re covered in stars,” she choked out the whisper, breathed it really, so quiet she hadn’t even heard the words though she knew she’d formed them. “You’re…you’re covered in stars.” The tears came readily then, coursing her cheeks and skimming her neck and collarbone. Ellie’s eyes widened, and Louisa hid her face in her hands, so fretfully overwhelmed she had to stop everything. The sounds, the sights, the scents, and dear God but Ellie smelled delicious.

  Ellie took her hands away and tangled them with her own again, and Louisa turned her face away, tucking her chin to her shoulder. Not yet. She simply couldn’t…not yet.

  “This gown made me think of you,” Ellie said. “The color of the little bursts, the blue of your eyes.” Ellie pulled one hand away, and Louisa heard the rustle of fabric. Louisa turned to find Ellie fingering one of what must be thousands of tiny shimmering bursts.

  “I’ll follow you anywhere,” Louisa said and searched Ellie’s eyes. Ellie stood and pulled her toward the gallery, the hold on her hand growing tighter as they moved through the open foyer.

  Louisa let go and shut the door behind them, then paused with her back to the room, both hands on the seam of the door as though to seal out the whole of the world. She felt warmth against her back, the raised silk of Ellie’s stars tickling the skin at the backs of her arms. “Ellie, I—”

  Ellie took her shoulders and turned her.

  “I think we should simply do. Enough talking, enough debating, I just… I feel, I feel so very much and I need to know what it means because I—I don’t. Do you?”

  “No, I don’t, I’ve never… This is… I can’t—” Ellie closed her eyes, a line of tension coming between her eyebrows that Louisa tried to soften with her thumb. Ellie relaxed, pushed her face into Louisa’s hand. Held it with her own.

  She closed her eyes and breathed of Ellie, sank into the sensation of skin on skin and wished for more…so much more. Then she tasted the warm sweetness of Ellie’s mouth as it met with hers, their breath mingling between them. She felt as though the stars were here, her skin reflecting the tiny bursts of light. She wanted to float away on them.

  “Kiss me. Just—” Ellie paused, her breathing hard against her. “Kiss me.”

  And so she did. Louisa skimmed her tongue across Ellie’s lips, smiled at the now-familiar taste of chocolate, it’s chocolate! She pulled her lower lip into her mouth with a gentle suction then wound her hands around Ellie’s face and held her there so she could taste more of her. Ellie’s hands wrapped around her waist, twisting the fabric of her dress as she held on to her as well.

  This, this was everything. This moment was her entire world, and Louisa wished to live in it for the balance of her life and never leave. “Oh God, Ellie, what is this?” Her chest filled with a million tiny sparkling stars.

  “Love, Louisa. I think this is love.”

  “We only—”

  “But I’ve been waiting for you the whole of my life.”

  “I had no idea,” Louisa said. “I had no idea you would ever find me. Come settle with me,” she said, breaking the kiss and pulling Ellie toward the settee. They sank together, and Ellie’s heart beat against Louisa’s chest, then she pressed her face to her neck. “Ellie.”

  Ellie cupped her head and held her there, and Louisa reached up, kissing along her jaw.

  “I’m home.” She kissed and sucked and licked every bit of her uncovered until Ellie was leaning against the end of the settee, splayed beneath Louisa. And Louisa wanted more of her. She trailed her hand from Ellie’s hip, up her ribs, across her breast. Ellie arched beneath her, her gaze unfocused, so beautiful Louisa had no idea how she was supposed to react.

  “Please,” she said, and Louisa leaned into her again, kissing her with such abandon neither of them would be presentable if they didn’t stop soon. She loosened the neck then wrapped her fingers around the edge of her corset and pulled gently until her chemise-covered nipple peeked above the edge of it.

  Ellie stilled to her core as Louisa stared at her breast, trapped behind the thin fabric. Her skin so pale, tipped by a bud the color of rose. She skimmed a thumb across her nipple and Louisa thought she'd unspool like so much thread tight on a bobbin from watching the tiny bud furl, the blush spread from that small connection to all of Ellie’s skin.

  When Louisa’s mouth on Ellie’s breast replaced her thumb, Ellie took in a lungful of air and Louisa covered her mouth—a quiet reminder not to be loud. Ellie’s hands wrapped around Louisa and pulled her tight as she leaned back into the bench, and Louisa followed.

  Her hands…everywhere. Everywhere. She had to touch her everywhere. Louisa couldn’t think straight. She couldn’t think at all; streaks of fire rushed from her skin to her core igniting s
omething deep inside she’d never known would be touched by another. And Ellie held on, allowed her. This woman who was so brave. So much braver than Louisa had ever dreamed to be.

  “Ellie—” she started but was cut off when Ellie removed the hand on her lips and brought them together, the wet warmth of her mouth arrested any thought. They kissed and kissed, and Louisa didn’t think she could ever get enough. “Ellie, God, Ellie, you kiss me like, like I’ve always imagined I would be kissed someday.”

  “Louisa, I feel like I’m falling.”

  “I’ve already fallen. I fell the moment I saw those eyes of yours. I fell. Come with me. Come, come with me,” Louisa breathed. “Oh, please, come with me.”

  Ellie tensed and Louisa pulled back, her face pinked, hot and alive. Her eyes lit from inside, the vivid color black with excitement. Then Louisa started gathering the fabric at her knee until she met the soft silk of her stockings. Ellie studied her face, the soft tips of her fingers on Louisa’s neck. She slid her hands up. Slid beneath the scalloped hem of her drawers and along her leg until they skimmed the very edge of her stocking, the softest skin there at her fingertips.

  “Ellie.” She was frightened, excited, concerned, frightened, frightened… Louisa stopped. “I’m not sure what—” She wasn’t sure what they should be doing or where they should be going. Stopping or starting. She leaned forward and kissed Ellie again, spreading her legs as she did, and her hand slid further until Louisa thought for sure her heart would stop beating.

  They both stopped moving and gazed at each other. Louisa watched as Ellie’s eyes lightened, and she felt her heartbeat slow, her breathing settle. Louisa pulled her hand from beneath her skirt, pulling the fabric down as she did so, then shifted the top of her dress, covering Ellie’s breasts. Louisa then reached for Ellie and pulled her in tight, her arms wrapped around her.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s come over me. I—I shouldn’t have…”

  “Please don’t. Please don’t take it back,” Ellie whispered.

  Louisa held her gaze. “Never.”

  They sat for a bit, helping each other return to decency, smoothing fabric and straightening seams until it was as if they’d never been.

  Louisa stood, needing to move through the pervasive nervousness. She took Ellie’s hand and knotted it with hers as they walked the gallery again. They spoke of nothing of consequence, but her shoulder brushed Ellie’s often, and Ellie’s elbow tucked tight into her side, and their skirts tangled and required extra steps to kick them free.

  When they reached the far end beneath her mother’s portrait, Louisa looked up. “Mama, I would like for you to meet Ellie.” She pulled her close, wrapped her arm around Ellie’s waist, and tucked her chin against her shoulder. “I love her,” she said.

  Ellie dropped a kiss on her forehead, and she returned the kiss to Ellie’s collarbone, and her neck as she turned into her hold.

  Louisa took her face in her hands once again, exploring those eyes. Those eyes that could hide nothing from her. Louisa skimmed her thumbs over her eyebrows, then across the crest of her cheeks. She dropped her gaze to Ellie’s mouth. “I love you,” she whispered and kissed her again, and she put every single piece of her soul into that kiss. “I want…I want to spend my life getting to know you.” She studied Ellie’s eyes. “I don’t know how this works. I’ve never… I don’t know either way. But I want to know you.” Louisa placed her hand on Ellie’s chest. “Your heart, your soul, your mind.” Her other hand skimmed down the side of her face. “Everything. I want to know you.”

  Ellie smiled. “I want the same, but—”

  “But?” Louisa asked.

  “How…can we? We’ll be ostracized.”

  “Or forgotten.”

  “We should be so lucky.”

  “A bright possibility after all,” Louisa said as she soaked in the warmth of the sun, “We can find a way, can’t we? I’m nearly a spinster, even as my father is determined. You’re so much more brave than I, Ellie.”

  “I have to marry,” Ellie whispered. With those words, they released each other and stepped away. “I must, I can’t… My father will not allow me to walk away from a match. I have no choice, and I am his for another three years. I cannot…”

  Louisa walked toward the large windows. “Then the time we have is all the time we have. Until that changes. But until that changes, Ellie—” she turned back toward her, “—until that changes, you are mine, and I’ll not let you go. And I’m already yours and I will always be yours.”

  Ellie rushed her, wrapping her up in a tight embrace. “If only…”

  “No…only now.”

  “Only now,” Ellie whispered. “Right now.” The doors to the gallery opened, and they moved apart. “Or perhaps later,” Ellie said with a grin.

  “Later,” Louisa whispered.

  “I’ve an idea.”

  “Maitland, it’s time we should go. Lady Mayjoy is exhausted by her visitors. Let’s not wear on her,” her mother said, the butler holding the door.

  Ellie turned to her. “Mama, might Louisa come to our house? Perhaps go with us to the ball tomorrow evening, then stay the night?”

  “That sounds like a fine idea, Ellie, so long as it’s acceptable to Lady Mayjoy,” her mother replied with a smile.

  Ellie slid her hand behind her, and Louisa squeezed it, then she turned and walked toward the entry, following her mother and the butler from the room.

  Louisa breathed. Then she melted in the puddle of sunlight like iced cream. She sat on the floor, inspecting her hands, smelling and kissing them and thinking of all the places those hands had roamed just now. All the things they’d felt and done. Ellie. Louisa had one reason for living at this moment, and that reason was Ellie. She stood and headed to the parlor to ask permission to go to Ellie’s house the following night.

  Ellie

  Ellie hadn’t been nervous for her first ball. She hadn’t been nervous when she’d been introduced to countless peers, from dukes to barons and viscounts. She hadn’t even been nervous when Edward, the future king, had attended the opera and had spoken with her from his private box next to theirs. Right now though, her hands were clammy and shaking, her knees felt unstable, and her jaw was tense.

  Louisa would be at her house any moment now, and someone would show her to the parlor where Ellie was standing, regarding the scene outside the window expectantly. Nervously.

  As though she were a virgin on her wedding night…or so she’d been told she would be. The whole thing seemed all too perverse to her and she’d never paid it any mind, until now.

  Until Louisa.

  Her knees knocked and she sat hard on the window seat as thoughts of a naked Louisa in her bed coursed her mind and sank into her belly. Way down low in warm, wet, places she wasn’t sure she’d known were there. Ellie hoped Louisa would allow her touch. Not just her hands, or her shoulders. Her mouth or her hip. Ellie wanted very desperately to touch Louisa in such an intimate way that the actual idea of it sent her insides to flipping around beneath her skin like a fish in the shallows. She couldn’t even consider being touched by Louisa again; she’d flame out of existence and never have the chance.

  “Maitland?”

  She turned to her mother.

  “What’s with you, child?” she asked, forcing Ellie to pay attention. She rushed over to her, placing a hand to her forehead. “You’re flushed. Are you ill?”

  “No, Mother, it’s from sitting in the window. I’m fine, really.”

  “What has you so wrapped up in thought that you didn’t hear me?”

  “I’m looking forward to this evening is all. It’s supposed to be one of the best events of the season. The dinner is the biggest and most extravagant, the dancing going well into the night. I suppose I’m happy to be included,” she said.

  “Your cousin Bertrand will accompany the two of you to and from Lady Greensborough’s. Please listen to him, and to his wife.”

  “Yes, Mother.”
>
  “He’ll introduce you to several men of the gentry,” she said happily. “Perhaps if I’m not there to call attention to your status—”

  “Mama, please don’t.” Ellie turned to see her mother shaking her head.

  “Maitland, just go with Bertrand, make the acquaintances, try to find a man you can tolerate, and marry the damn thing before he figures out you’re nothing but a pretty face with money.”

  Ellie stared as her mother turned and left the room. Then the butler entered with Louisa behind him. Ellie couldn’t force herself to her feet. Her mother had never talked to her in such a way, and something inside her slipped. Like a cube of ice had cracked and shifted along the fault. Louisa took the space next to her in the narrow seat.

  “What happened?” she asked.

  Ellie shook her head. “A simple reminder that I am not my own, and I must marry before I lose my looks or my father’s money,” she said plainly.

  They stayed there for a long while, watching the carriages pass in the street as the sun began its descent from the crest of its journey. Until a maid came in and reminded Ellie they needed to prepare for the ball.

  By then Ellie was strong enough to stand without hesitation. “Were your things taken to my room?” she asked Louisa.

  “No, your mother said I would stay in the guest suite. I assume you’ll be allowed to stay with me?”

  “The guest suite? I’ve…never been allowed in there.”

  “I’d prefer to be in your rooms, but I don’t want to cause a fuss.”

  “Not at all. I’ll—”

  “Unless you’d like to stay in the guest suite?”

  Ellie thought about it. She knew she didn’t have to impress Louisa, but she also knew her mother was doing her best to do so, and this was her only chance to stay in the most lavish rooms in this house. Rooms she’d only ever peeked in through an ajar entry while the maids were cleaning.