by Jenn LeBlanc
Louisa
Louisa wrapped Ellie up against her, grinning like a child with candy. To see that fire back in her eyes that had been hers and now was again. Ellie was glorious. Louisa had an idea that Ellie didn’t understand her own body; she hadn’t understood her own for a long time, after all. Protected as she was in preparation for her husband. Ellie would be the same.
But a ladies maid, you see, they weren’t so protected. They were open to all the crude, brash comments of the stable boys and footmen and butlers below stairs. Louisa had learned quite a bit in the past three years. How to play her own body the loveliest part of it, though she’d already managed to figure out how to get herself off. Just not like this, and not with someone else. The drawings and writings she’d been exposed to had given her so many ideas for what she wanted to do with Ellie, to Ellie, someday…but she’d never believed someday would come.
As long as they were in London, there would be no harm in them meeting here, hiding from the world. She’d have to get Hugh to cooperate, because she could only meet with Ellie when Amelia was busy with something. She imagined he wouldn’t complain too much.
Louisa heard the long case clock chime in the entry and shifted, bringing them to sitting on the settee. She smoothed the loose curls from Ellie’s cheeks, tried to straighten the pins in her hair somewhat, but Ellie looked well and truly fucked sitting here on this settee, and Louisa took all the joy from that thought.
“You’re gorgeous,” she said. “Ellie, you’re stunning, all pink and rosy from my hands.”
Ellie blushed further, unable to hide anything from Louisa, and Louisa chased the flush with kisses on her cheeks, her neck, across her collar bone, sucking the salt tinge from the hollow of her neck before teasing her nipples once again.
“I want to sleep with the softness of your breasts against my cheek. God, Ellie your skin. You’re everything.”
“Louisa, you say such…things.”
“I apologize. I… Well. I’m no lady,” she said with a smile, and a small wrinkle creased Ellie’s brow. “Oh, I’m sorry, am I offending you?”
“No! No, not that. It’s just, I wish I had the vocabulary to match you, because I want to know everything you did. I want to learn how to do that…for you. To you,” Ellie said and Louisa smiled so broadly she thought her cheeks would split.
“I’ll teach you everything I know,” she said.
“In our cottage?”
Louisa smiled, but knew it was tinged with sadness. “Ellie, I can’t leave Amelia—”
“Louisa!” The front door slammed rather unnecessarily loud or, she supposed, very necessarily. They stood, Louisa and her helpful ladies maid training replacing Ellie’s bosom and her own in brilliant fashion. She turned Ellie, inspecting her then herself.
“Hugh,” Louisa called out. Then she kissed Ellie on the cheek, finishing her ministrations as they waited for him to find them.
Louisa hadn’t thought Ellie could get any ruddier but when he walked into the library and stopped, his eyes catching on their dishabille, she did. Louisa wrapped her up in her arms as best she could. Whispered in her ear, “It’s alright, my love, my darling, my Ellie. Hugh is always a safe place for us.”
Ellie nodded but remained tense as he approached.
“I see you have—er…found each other,” he said, casting his gaze about the library as though he’d walked into a den of iniquity and expected to see the fodder.
Louisa let go of Ellie, taking her hand and squeezing it. She pulled her behind her to Hugh, who she wrapped in a hug. “Thank you,” she said. Then she stepped away.
“Listen, I hate to—” He waved a hand at them as though he couldn’t bring himself to say what he meant, and Louisa watched as he blushed about as dark as Ellie had. He cleared his throat, and she dropped her gaze to lend him the strength he needed to say whatever it was he had to say. “Amelia, she’s quite upset with us—Castleberry and myself. I couldn’t calm her before she left Greensborough. I knew you would want—”
Louisa released Ellie and searched for her slippers and her wrap. “She’s already on her way home?”
“Yes.”
“I need to get to her. Was her mother at the ball? How fast do I need to go?”
“I think her mother is already home.”
“Damn.”
“Yes. Damn me. Thrice.”
Louisa huffed, slipping her shoes on and handing Ellie hers.
“I kept the cab. I’ll see you both home. I refuse to allow you to leave here without accompaniment,” he said, then pulled a cape from the back of the chair and held it out, not knowing which of them it belonged to.
Louisa took it with a smile. “This is quite clearly the cape of a lady, Hugh. Let’s not forget, I am no longer of that set. A simple wrap is all I have need of.”
Ellie swallowed and something in her eyes pierced Louisa’s soul, so she gazed at her hands as she placed the cape on Ellie, brushing it over her shoulders and fastening the catch at her neck before kissing both of her cheeks and then her mouth. Coaxing her tongue once again to play. Ellie remained silent through all of it, but Louisa didn’t have time to stop and assess. She would see Ellie again, wouldn’t she?
Hugh placed the wrap on Louisa, dragging her from the thought, and they followed him out to the cab, heads down and faces well hidden—but not obviously so. Hugh helped them both up, then gave the driver directions and followed.
“Ellie, I—” Louisa took a deep breath. “I’m sorry to have to rush off, but I must see to Amelia. There’s not enough time to explain well enough. Just know that there’s nowhere I would rather be than with you, and for as long as we’re in London, I will meet you whenever I can, with Hugh’s permission and assistance.”
Ellie nodded, then cast her gaze out the window, the street lamps sending occasional bars of light across her features. “I have money, Louisa. We could disappear. I have enough to buy us a life,” she said, and Hugh coughed.
Louisa turned to Hugh, seeing that he’d already been informed of this, but she hadn’t. She could also see how it upset him that she now knew this. “You’re afraid I’ll leave her, aren’t you? That I’ll abandon Amelia to her mother to chase my own dreams?”
“No, Louisa. In fact, I’m afraid that…you won’t.”
Louisa reached up and brushed the tear from her cheek then. “I’m blessed with such friendship, Hugh. And it’s a mistake to not fight for her, and you know it.”
“I thought we’d found a common ground but—”
“But you’re up against a duke with a contract, and he’s not keen to share his property,” Louisa said. She thought about Castleberry and how he’d seemed decent at least. Shook her head. “I’m missing something. As usual.”
“I doubt it,” Hugh said.
“Louisa?”
“Oh Ellie, I’m…” Louisa brushed another tear away and stared down at her hands in her lap. Ellie reached out and took them. “I’m sorry, I cannot abandon Amelia. Not now. I want to be with you. I want the cottage and the goat and the garden. I do. But I cannot leave her. She needs me.” The cab pulled to a stop in front of Pembroke House, and Louisa gazed out the window to the massive door. “I have to go.” She turned back and took Ellie’s face in her hands, her skin warming Louisa’s cold fingertips. “I want to see you as much as possible while I’m here, if you’ll allow for it.”
“Of course,” Ellie said. “I’ll take as much of you as I can, I’ll never turn you away. Don’t you see, Louisa? I’ve only just gotten you back. I won’t let you go.”
Louisa ducked out the wrong door into the street then shuffled around the side of the house. She stopped in the shadows there, her heart racing, staring after the carriage as it pulled away. “Don’t you see, Louisa? I’ve only just got you back. I won’t let you go.” What was she to do now? She needed Ellie to understand how important Amelia was to her, that she could not in good conscience disappear from her life. The whole situation wasn’t that straightforward.
Louisa wanted Ellie, and Ellie wanted Louisa, but there was the simple matter of Amelia, and Hugh, that Louisa couldn’t reconcile. She loved Amelia, though she was certain Amelia saw her as no more than a helpmate. That was the dichotomy of the upper classes, those beneath them invisible until they were missed. In that truth, Louisa knew she would be truly missed, and leaving Amelia to her mother and a man who knew nothing of her episodes was something she could never do.
It would be akin to relegating Amelia to Bedlam.
Ellie
Ellie watched Louisa walk to the side entrance of the house meant for the servants. Her Louisa, no longer a lady. She’d lost all of her power, and hearing it and seeing it were two different things. It hurt her heart to think that Louisa had been cast so low by what they’d done.
“Maitland.”
She closed her eyes. She was Maitland. Louisa was gone, and with her went Ellie. She nodded as the carriage pulled back to the street.
“I’m sorry. This isn’t what you wished for,” he said.
“To see Louisa is what I wished for, nothing more.”
“Amelia—”
“Her mistress. The one you love.”
“Yes.”
“I’ve heard the rumors, Ender. I just hadn’t considered that Louisa was part of it.”
“A big part of it. She cares for Amelia in ways I’m unable to. I don’t know what I would do without her.”
“So this all worked out in your favour then?”
“No, that’s not…” He shook his head, and Ellie could see the exhaustion and sadness in his features and was repentant for her snippery.
“It’s alright, Ender. We’ll have time to talk about all this, won’t we? You can explain, tell me more? If you’re willing.”
“Yes, I certainly hope so. Though if Amelia does marry Castleberry, I imagine she’ll retreat to his estate post haste, and Louisa will go with them. And we… Well. We will not.”
It hit Ellie then that this situation had she and Ender both in the worst possible way. “There has to be a way. There has to be something,” she whispered, but the words floated between them, neither of them able to allow them to gain traction or possibility.
“If only,” Ender replied.
“So what next?”
“You and Louisa are welcome to meet at my home, whether I’m there or not. My people have the utmost discretion. You and Louisa…you don’t need me meddling in this. Just—please be cautious. Don’t put anything in writing you don’t want her father or your mother reading, and for God’s sake, do not leave my house together like this again. If I can help, I will, but there’s only so much I can do.”
Ellie nodded. “I appreciate what you have done. I know it was not willingly.”
“Maitland,” he said and he leaned in and took her hand, “I’m sorry if I led you to believe that I am not a friend. My behavior certainly belies that. But I am, and I will help. It would be wonderful if it all wasn’t happening at the same time as Amelia and— Well, when it rains, it pours, I suppose. I’ve only ever wanted to keep Louisa safe. No more, no less.”
“Thank you.”
The carriage turned on to her street, and she knocked on the roof. The driver pulled up in front of a neighboring house. She turned back to Ender. “Thank you,” she repeated. She wished there was more but she wasn’t sure how she felt at the moment about any of this. It was a lot to take in. To have Louisa back but…not.
She stepped down from the carriage, pulling her cape tight as she walked to her house and slipped through the front door. She ran across the foyer and up to her room, never once drawing attention. She slipped inside and dropped her cape, then lay on her bed, pulling the pins from her hair and dropping them to the floor.
Louisa
“Everything, Louisa, everything. I’m not returning. I’ve had quite enough of London to last me a lifetime. Pack it all.”
Louisa’s jaw dropped. She’d walked in the door and rushed to find Amelia packing her things. “Milady, I cannot see as how this is good. You should speak with His Grace. I’m sure he would understand.”
“Understand what? That I said Hugh’s name while he was having his way?” She sat at the edge of the bed. “I said Hugh’s name while in his arms, and I didn’t even know I’d done it. Oh, Louisa, I believe I’m lost. I thought I knew what love was, and then he touched me, and I realized I’d no idea. None at all.”
Louisa sat next to her, taking her hands. She hadn’t even removed her wrap. They couldn’t possibly leave London now. “My lady, please, he’ll understand.”
“No. I cannot spend my life breaking his heart. It’s better this way. I’m the only one who’s broken. I was always broken. It seems it’s to be my destiny.”
Louisa wrapped her arms around her, and as Amelia melted into her, she let go of Ellie once more. It was impossible to carry on as they had. Impossible. She went where Amelia went, and if Amelia went back to Pembroke-By-The-Sea, then so did Louisa.
“Louisa, I do love him. I love them both. But the difference between them is night and day. I cannot have the one for the other, but I cannot dare to damage either. It’s best if I go. It’s best for everyone. I cannot imagine the pain I would have should either of them be injured by my choice.”
“You cannot give up. You cannot run away,” Louisa said.
“It’s done. Please help me finish with the cases. I’d like to be off as soon as possible.”
“Amelia!” The door swung wide, and Louisa released her and stood, then went the wardrobe to busy herself.
“Mother,” Amelia said much more calmly than Louisa expected.
“What are you about? The duke said you weren’t feeling well, then I come here to find the traveling carriage being loaded. Where are you off to?”
“Home. I’m leaving.”
“Quitting London?” she squealed.
“Yes. Please make my apologies. I shall not return.”
“But…but…but the duke said he would be by in the morning to check on you and finalize the arrangements.”
“Please make my apologies.”
“Amelia!”
“Mother, enough. I’m old enough to make my own decisions.”
Louisa stilled, she put her hands against the sides of the wardrobe to steady herself. This was a nightmare.
“I’ll work if need be to support us once Father has passed. Until then, we’ll be happy at Pembroke.”
Amelia had no idea what she was saying. Louisa hoped if they left, she could talk some sense into her. She heard Amelia packing her oils and powders, the glass clinking as she placed the bottles in a case. Her mother left the room, and the door shut behind her. Louisa poked her head out of the wardrobe.
“Carry on, Louisa. Time is wasting.”
What the hell was she supposed to do now? She’d only just… She needed to send word to Ellie.
They arrived at the town station the next morning. Louisa watched as all the furniture and trunks were unloaded from the rear car of the train and strapped to the Pembroke-By-The-Sea carriage. She would never see Ellie again if she couldn’t return to London. Everything hurt. She supposed some of that could be contributed to what had happened in Hugh’s library the night before. Then there was the sleep in the train car that was quite unsatisfying. Though sleep was a bit of a stretch.
Amelia turned to her. “Are you well?”
“I wasn’t expecting to quit London so quickly this time.” She attempted a smile. She was certain it failed.
“Oh, Louisa, I’m sorry, I… should have considered you—”
“Oh, no, milady, that’s not your responsibility. The responsibility is mine. You’re mine, not the other way round. It’s true I’m a bit…sad at leaving London, I just… It gets more and more difficult to say goodbye.”
Amelia nodded. “I understand that feeling. I wish I could help you with it. Can you tell me of him? Could he come work for us at Pembroke?” Louisa cringed. “I apologize. I assumed—”
“No, milady, it’s all right.” Louisa tried to think of any possible way that Ellie could visit. But there was none. She would have to visit Amelia, which meant Amelia would have to be aware of— She shook her head. “There isn’t a position suitable. I appreciate your thoughts, but there really isn’t a position that would work in this matter.”
Amelia wrapped her arms around Louisa, and she thought it was perhaps the first time. It had always been Louisa comforting Amelia, and the switch brought a tear to her eye. “You could return. I would give you the very best references, as well as settle a fair amount on you for your service.”
Louisa turned. There was a reason she was so dedicated to Amelia, and this was it. She was one of the sweetest, loveliest people she’d ever met and perhaps she did return her affection, in some fashion. She had such a hard time letting that sweet part of her out in society because her mind wouldn’t allow for it. Not under those circumstances. “Absolutely not, my lady. I’ll not leave you. Not for all the money at Pembroke. I trust everything will work out as it should. For now, my place is with you. I hold no grudge against that. Never you think it.”
“Know that should you change your mind, Louisa, the offer stands. Both for you to quit my father’s employ, or for your gentleman to take a position with our household. You just need say the word.”
Louisa would have cried but the whistle of the departing train startled her and she stood instead. It was too much. It was impossible. Her life was impossible. She needed to settle into this reality and let go of everything she yearned for. Because there was no possible way.
