‘Yeah, guess so or the dragon will be after me.’
‘I just wanted you to know, you know that I remembered.’ He grins, a more normal cheeky grin. ‘You were pretty unforgettable you know.’
‘Not sure if that’s good or bad!’ I try to joke, laugh it off, but inside I want to cry.
‘Good! Look, I know we’ve moved on, things have changed, I’ve got all kinds of crap going on in my life right now and we work together, and all that shit so it wouldn’t happen. But I still think you are.’
‘Are?’
‘Unforgettable.’ He touches the back of my hand. The lightest of touches, that sends a shiver through my body. I want to grab his hand. I want to say, ‘Hey maybe we’re not so different, maybe we should try it again, take a chance, just so we know.’ But I don’t. ‘Now go on, you better get moving!’ I stand up. ‘Hey, we’re cool? Clean slate? We can be friends?’ There’s a small worry frown between his eyebrows.
I nod. What else can I do?
I get moving. I go into the office and sit down at my, our, desk and stare out of the window. So that is that, he does remember the kiss. It was unforgettable. But now it is over, the dream I’ve been hanging on to – the hope that one day he would remember and want to do it again.
Things have moved on, he said. Things have changed. He’s got crap going on.
What type of crap?
I don’t have Dave, he knows that, but he must have somebody in his life. Or else he just isn’t interested in anything with me.
Or else he’s just more sensible than me and knows an office romance would be a big mistake.
I don’t know quite how I feel. I just know how he feels. He wanted to clear the air, tell me, so that he could move on guilt free.
Great.
Bugger. Soph is going to kill me when I tell her he’s not coming to the barbecue. Because he won’t now, will he?
I open the pedestal drawer, and there is a note.
See you Sunday, unless you’ve just blown me out in disgust, in which case I won’t. J x PS My mum is making Mabel some socks, we worry. Blue isn’t always just blue. Things aren’t always as straightforward as we’d like them to be!
What on earth does his note mean? Apart from the socks bit, I understand that. I think. Gawd, his mum must think he shares a desk with a complete weirdo. But what does the ‘straightforward’ bit mean? And why does he want to come to the barbecue if he’s moved on? Although if he is still seeing Claire, or whatever her name was, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be coming to a barbecue with me.
I’m not sure I’m cut out to be his buddy, or, worse still, his confidant, if that is all he wants. I don’t want to hear about his woman problems!
I want to kiss him again. More than ever now. Just to find out if it really was as good as I remember. So that he knows it wasn’t a one-off.
Shit, I’m screwed.
Chapter Twenty-One
Sunday
I have spent most of the morning trying to decide what to wear for the barbecue. This is not usually an issue – after all it’s family, it’s in the garden, it’s casual.
But this is not ‘usually’, this is ‘Jamie is coming’.
I’ve got this stupid, overwhelming urge to bring back memories of Reading. To be the girl he met there. Goodness knows why, I mean he’s made it more than clear that he just wants to be friends. We’ve missed that magic moment when it could have all been different. Where something could have happened.
But I can’t help myself.
The weather is really hot and sunny for May as well, so it isn’t like I should wear jeans and a sweater. Nobody will.
But a summer dress seems a bit OTT.
I kneel in front of my chest of drawers, dig out the T-shirt I’d worn that day, and can’t help but smile. It’s one of those T-shirts that you wear to death and love, and then can’t bring yourself to throw out even though it’s faded.
It holds memories, it’s cool. It is Reading.
Oh my God. It still smells faintly of beer and cigarette. Very faintly, if you sniff hard, I’m not in the habit of putting stinky gross clothes in my drawers. Or wearing them.
I pull it over my head and stare at myself in the mirror. Then drag my hair back off my face. Trying to see that younger, hopeful me. The one with plum streaks in her hair, eyes kohled to the limit, plastic beer cup and feet that can dance until dawn.
He’s remembered the hair; does he remember the clothes?
‘Loving the T-shirt, cool!’ says Zoe from the doorway. She’s slouched, leaning against the door jamb, drink in hand.
‘Retro,’ I say, smiling as I let my hand fall to my side. My hair falls loose. A sudden thought comes to me. ‘Are you busy?’
She shrugs. ‘Nothing happening round here, babe.’
‘You couldn’t…’ I hesitate. Glance back at my reflection. ‘Cut my fringe, you know Audrey Hepburn style, like you said. I mean, just a quick dry cut, nothing fancy and…’ I gabble on, only stopping when she claps her hands and does a little jump in the air.
‘Yay, the girl has seen sense at last! Come on, come on, come to Zoe and let her work her magic!’ I’d been on the verge of changing my mind and backing out. But I don’t have a choice, she’s grabbed my arm and is ushering me down towards her room.
Zoe does indeed have magic.
‘Wow, it looks ace!’ I turn my head from side to side, swish my hair. It’s all sleek, and even now – several pounds heavier than when I was a student – it seems to make my eyes look bigger. ‘Thank you, what do I—’
‘Nothing!’ She puts her hands on my shoulders and our gazes meet in the mirror. ‘You’ve helped me out so many times Al, but you’ve never let me help you! You look gorgeous.’
She’s put in the caramel highlights that she wanted to as well.
Not plum, caramel. I’m not that carefree festival girl, I’m the older, wiser version.
‘Are you going out?’
‘Just a family barbecue.’ I shrug. ‘Nothing important.’ Ha. Who am I kidding?
‘Out is out, it’s always important! Right, come on, sit down again. I’m going to do your make-up as well!’
‘But, I…’
‘No buts, babe.’ She leans in closer. ‘Your Soph told me she’s taking her new boyfriend, and you’re taking that hot guy that put the lock on your door!’
‘Soph?’ I groan. ‘When did you talk to Sophie?’
‘She popped in yesterday so I could do her hair, she didn’t come anywhere near your room,’ she adds hastily. I smile, she relaxes again. ‘She is mega keen on this guy of hers, isn’t she? She was so nervous; I’ve never seen your sis like that about a man! Ser-i-ous! Close your eyes.’
I close my eyes. Surrender.
Well if Soph has had her hair done, and made an effort – it would be stupid of me not to, wouldn’t it?
I arranged to meet Jamie at the train station up the road from my parents’ house, but I do a double-take when I spot him. Just to make sure.
Some guys can’t really carry off shorts. But Jamie can. He looks indescribably sexy in his casual gear. The T-shirt just tight enough to show off his toned chest. For a moment I have to just stand on the spot and ogle.
Then he sees me and waves. I wave back and walk across the road. He is carrying a bag. He holds it a bit higher. ‘Beer and wine! I couldn’t come to a barbie empty-handed; it didn’t feel right!’
As I reach him, he goes to kiss my cheek, then suddenly stops and moves back to arms’ length.
‘Wow, if you’d turned up at work dressed like this, I’d have recognized you instantly! You look amazing, Alice.’ He does kiss my cheek then, which is lucky as it means he is too close to see that my cheeks are flaming.
I’m suddenly pleased I made an effort. Well okay, I was worried I’d gone a bit overboard, but I think I’ve done the right thing. I’m also glad I put my shorts on, instead of a summer dress. It is now sweltering hot, and I don’t want to melt, so I’ve got a good exc
use.
We stand for a moment, me feeling awkward, but I’m not sure about him. He seems quite chilled. ‘We better get going, don’t want to be late.’
‘Lead the way!’ We fall into step. Yep, he is totally relaxed. This is good. He chats, jokes as we walk, and I soon find myself relaxing again and joking back. He’s back on form, now he’s guilt-free and he’s cleared the air. Trouble is, I still think he’s cute and very kissable. Blocking those feelings out, compartmentalizing them, was easier when he was treating me like his annoying sister.
‘On best behaviour for the parents!’ I say jokingly as we walk up the driveway. Jamie comes to a halt.
‘Woah! Your parents are here?’
‘Er, yes. It’s their house!’ I frown. ‘Family barbecue. Wasn’t that what Soph said?’ It was, wasn’t it? I screw up my eyes and try to remember.
‘Er, no, not exactly. I thought she just said barbecue, that’s why I said about drinking all night! Unless I wasn’t listening, I thought it was just a, well, mate’s or something. Shit, I’ve got shorts on, and beer.’ He looks down at his knees slightly despairingly.
‘I’ve got shorts on as well!’ I put a hand on his elbow, suddenly worried he’s going to do a runner. I’ve scared him off forever now. ‘It’s nothing formal, just you know a normal barbecue in the garden.’ Oh shit, he thinks I’ve trapped him into some weird ‘meet the parents’ situation. ‘That’s why Soph wanted you to come, cos it’s my family, and she’s got a new boyfriend, and…’
‘Doesn’t want all the attention.’
‘If you don’t want to come, I quite—’
‘No problem, really. It’s cool, I just…’ He grins. ‘It just wasn’t what I was expecting.’
‘But it’s not like you have to impress them with…’ I wave in the general direction of his legs.
‘My knees?’ His grin has broadened.
‘I didn’t mean that! Not that they aren’t impressive.’ I try not to stare at his legs. Stop, Alice, stop before this gets worse. ‘I mean…’ He is still grinning at me, bemused. I think I need to change tack.
‘I want to show you something.’ I grab my mobile and scroll through until I find what I’m after. A photo of Darcie.
She’s gorgeous, my sister. I wish I had half her looks – but she still has this scar on her face. When she’s working or out for the night, she covers it up – expertly, but quite often at home she doesn’t bother.
I don’t want Jamie reacting to it. It’s not that I think he will, or say anything he shouldn’t but… Well, I don’t know what it is. I’m not protecting my sister; I think I’m protecting him. I want them to like him. I know it’s stupid, but I do.
‘My sister, Darcie. She had this accident, acid, and…’
‘The starfish fossil,’ he says.
‘How did you know about…?’
‘Lou warned me off touching it, and well, it’s not her fault, I kind of pressed her about why and she said it was from a holiday with your sister, and then I asked why you didn’t have any photos and…’ He shrugs, looking embarrassed. ‘I didn’t mean to pry, she just said your sister didn’t like having her photo taken round that time because of some accident.’
‘Oh.’ I don’t know what I’m more shocked about, Lou telling him about the fossil, or him remembering. ‘This jealous girl picked a fight with her, she thought Darcie was after her boyfriend. Which she wasn’t, it was just she was gorgeous and, well, she didn’t think she was gorgeous anymore after the bastard came back and attacked her without warning.’
‘Shit. That’s terrible, it must have been so scary for her, for all of you.’ He searches my face, but all I can do is nod. It’s still hard to talk about. ‘That’s why,’ his voice is so soft I can barely hear him, ‘you hate confrontation, isn’t it? At work you can be assertive, fight your corner, but when it’s personal… Oh, Alice.’ For a moment I think he’s going to hug me, but he doesn’t, he pulls back a bit, takes my mobile from my hand. ‘She is gorgeous,’ he says, matter-of-factly as he studies the photo, then he glances up at me, ‘like you.’
I’ve never really thought much about why I don’t stick to my guns, protect my corner, tell people to eff off when they’re overstepping the boundaries. But I guess Darcie’s accident scarred us all in some way or another.
But she’s moved on, and now, finally, I think I have as well.
‘Alice!’ Sophie’s yell makes me jump. Which is good, very good. This is getting embarrassing, and intense.
‘Shit. Look,’ I mock-whisper behind my hand jokingly, trying to lighten the mood, ‘it’s fine if you want to run.’
‘Anybody would think you didn’t want me here?’ There’s a question in the lift of his voice.
‘Of course I do!’ The blush comes about a nanosecond after the words fall out of my mouth. He smiles in response.
‘Then it’s sorted then.’ He opens his elbow towards me, and I slip my hand through without thinking.
‘Will you two stop whispering like you’re up to something.’ Soph grabs my other hand. ‘You’re late.’
‘No, we’re not, we’re on time.’ I double-check.
‘Fashionably on time,’ adds Jamie, winking at Sophie.
We are late. I’m pretty sure that we got here on time, but we’ve been standing outside for longer than I realized.
‘Hey, everybody, meet Jamie!’ shouts Sophie as we walk into the back garden.
‘You said he wasn’t hot!’ Lucy looks at me accusingly as she hauls herself out of her chair.
‘Excuse her, she’s preggers,’ Darcie points out the obvious, you really can’t miss the bump. ‘It’s making her randy.’ At least if Jamie is worrying about my sister’s sexual urges, he’s not wondering about me telling them all he wasn’t hot. Or wondering about the fact that I’ve been talking to my family about him full stop.
‘Wow, congrats!’ Jamie smiles. I think the wow refers to the pregnancy, not the randy-ness. ‘Wow!’ He says it again. I think he is close to speechless, he is overcome by the size of her belly, and possibly worried he might have to help deliver the baby before the end of the day.
‘It’s okay, she’s not due yet, just fat,’ Sophie reassures him.
‘I think WTF, not congrats, is the correct expression.’ Darcie waves towards Leo and Brad, who are having a hot dog battle. ‘I mean, why would anybody want more when they’ve got those two angels?’
‘Would you like me to relieve you of those, young man?’ Dad wades into the rescue, taking the beer off Jamie and ushering him towards the kitchen. ‘Let’s get you both a drink before you get character assassinated by my lovely daughters. They’re a shock to the system at first, but you’ll get used to them I’m sure.’
‘Are you the man with the disco ball?’ Darcie’s daughter Tilly was impressed by this fact and hasn’t forgotten it.
‘Oh my God, Disco Ball Boy! I forgot about that!’ Darcie laughs.
‘Sorry,’ I mouth. He winks, looking totally chilled about the whole situation.
‘Oh, my goodness, why have you brought them into the kitchen? It’s a mess, and so am I!’ My mother appears to be blushing as Jamie turns on his full-power grin, but when it fades, she recovers. ‘You’re not vegan as well, are you? Hello, darling.’ Her attention switches from Jamie back to me before he has chance to answer, but I’m sure she is still looking at him out of the corner of her eye as she kisses my cheek. Holding her hands away from me. ‘Mayo fingers! Sorry darling, been mixing the coleslaw.’
‘No, not vegan.’ Jamie raises his eyebrows. Why on earth did I let Sophie invite him here?
‘Oh, thank heavens! Not that I have anything against vegans,’ she adds hastily, reaching for a cloth to wipe her fingers. ‘Or vegemites, or those pesky ones.’
‘Pesky?’ Jamie mouths at me. I shrug.
‘Pescatarians, Gran.’ Tilly tugs at her sleeve.
‘I did buy extra veg, but there’s so much meat we don’t want it to go to waste.’
‘W
e don’t,’ agrees Jamie. ‘I will do my best to make sure I eat my share.’
‘Wonderful. Lucy, will you please control your boys? Dan popped out to get shopping.’
‘Shopping?’ My father frowns.
‘Bread rolls, dear, I forgot them. Remember? I was thinking about the gin and tonic, and all the fancy bits, and I forgot the bread! Do you want a G&T, Alice? It’s a special one. Make her a G&T, dear.’
‘Well, yes.’
‘Your young man can have beer, or wine? Or you can have gin if you want? Put a raspberry in it,’ she directs my father.
‘He’s not—’ As normal, I don’t get to finish a sentence, let alone a denial.
‘Beer is fine, I brought…’
‘Here you go, James, Jim, Jimmy, Jamie? What will it be?’ Dad holds a can out. ‘What do you mean, raspberry?’
‘In Alice’s gin. Lucy!’ Mum has her commanding voice on. ‘Those children always run amok when their father isn’t here. Honestly!’
The children are still sword-fighting with sausages and are wading through the bedding plants shouting, ‘Watch out for the jungle monsters!’ Lucy doesn’t budge; she sometimes takes quite a laid-back approach to parenting.
‘Hey up!’ The deep voice rumbles from somewhere behind us and we spin round. ‘How’s it going, Soph? Thought I’d lost you.’
The first impression I get is startingly blue eyes, as in really blue. The second is slightly too long and very tousled surfer-dude hair. The third is muscles. He has shoulders and biceps that make my jaw drop. Some men can carry off the sleeveless T-shirt look – this guy is one of them. He can also carry off the knee-length cargo shorts.
I can also imagine him carrying off my little sister, by the look of adoration on her face.
‘Daz!’ She squeals and looks like she wants to jump on him.
So this is Daz. I’d got a hazy picture of him in my head that included dreadlocks and dirty toes peeping out from worn leather sandals. Not quite this.
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