Not that I’m guilty of stereotyping or anything.
‘No chance, Daz. You’re never going to lose me!’ That’s a sentence I never thought I’d hear my sister say to a man. They fist bump and Sophie smiles. ‘Meet my sis Alice, and Jamie.’ I’ve never seen her looking quite as shy and smitten, I reckon Sophie has finally met her ‘one’. She’s had loads of boyfriends over the years, more than the other three of us put together, despite being the youngest sister. Although, to be fair, Lucy married Dan about three seconds after she left school, and Darcie swore off men for quite a while after she had Tilly.
Daz waves a hand in our direction then slips his hand round Sophie’s waist and she gazes up at him in the adoring way I haven’t seen since she was about three years old.
Mum catches my eye and smiles. She’s seen it as well. ‘Lucy! Boys!’ She shouts a final warning before heading inside to get the salad.
‘Auntie Alice! Alice Palace!’ Leo (or is it Brad?) screams and launches himself at my midriff, splattering my stomach with sausage. ‘Oh, buggering hell, my banger!’
‘Brad!’ Dan’s voice booms across the garden. ‘Who on earth says that?’
‘Mummy, when she gets stuff wrong, she’s always getting stuff wrong,’ Brad announces, then look at me and whispers confidentially.
‘Or when the fear-tus kicks her in the fu—’
‘Leo!’ This time Lucy decides to assert some parental authority, before we’re treated to a full run-down of her unsuitable-for-children vocabulary. ‘And don’t call it a foetus, it’s your little sister, I told you!’
‘A girl!’ shrieks Sophie. ‘You never told us!’
‘Oh goodness, how wonderful.’ Mum puts her hand over her mouth and looks like she might cry. I don’t blame her, she adores Tilly, and another granddaughter to cuddle and dress in cute dresses is all she wants. Boys in the family were a novelty, until the terrible twins learned to walk and talk – now their nana loves them but in very small doses. And only if she can give them back. ‘Oh, let’s have another G&T!’
‘Oh shit,’ Lucy whispers and grimaces at Dan. ‘I said we’d keep it as a surprise, didn’t I?’ He shakes his head and smiles.
‘I’m getting another buggering banger,’ mutters Brad quietly to my stomach. ‘See you in a bit, Auntie Alice.’ He turns away, then pauses. ‘Did you bring any sweets?’ There’s hope in his voice. I shake my head.
‘No, I—’ He’s halfway across the lawn, dodging his father, and Leo’s rugby tackle as he tries to grab a sausage off the table by the barbecue.
‘Watch the barbecue, it’s hot!’ yells Mum.
‘I don’t bring him sweets, honest,’ I say to Jamie, who isn’t looking as shell-shocked as I expected him to. He just looks slightly bemused. ‘Well not often, they don’t need a sugar rush. Best advertisement for contraception that I know of.’
‘Love the shorts, big sis!’ Sophie grins at me. ‘I couldn’t borrow them next weekend, could I?’
‘No!’ Jamie and I shout in unison, then look at each other and laugh.
‘Oh God.’ Soph rolls her eyes. ‘This one is going to be a real pain; you need to get rid of him.’
‘He looks good to me.’ Darcie holds out a plate. ‘Burger? I think we need to get eating before Mum serves us any more triple gins.’
Things calm down a bit as we get stuck into the food. The twins are quiet for at least ten minutes before dashing off to help Mum decorate the trifle.
‘Jamie?’ Tilly has spent quite a lot of time gazing adoringly at Jamie and has now plucked up courage to ask another question. ‘Do you keep the disco ball on your desk?’
‘Nope.’ He grins back. ‘I’ve not got much stuff at all.’
‘Not enough room with all of Alice’s stuff,’ interjects Sophie, but Tilly ignores her. She is fascinated, it seems, by a man who owns a disco ball.
‘What have you got?’
‘Not a lot.’ He shrugs. ‘A mug, Man U coaster, a—’
‘Man U?’ shrieks Lucy, who has been too busy eating to talk up until now.
‘Language!’ Dad walks over, with a plate full of sausages.
‘Jamie’s a Man U supporter, Grandad!’ Tilly no longer looks awestruck, she looks shocked.
Everybody is shocked. They are all staring at him. It is the first time my entire family has been silenced for ages, well, for ever.
‘Well, I suppose everybody has their faults,’ Dad finally says. Then the corner of his mouth quirks up. ‘I’m sure if you hang around we’ll be able to convert you, or we’ll have a bloody good try.’ He winks at me. ‘Burger? Beer?’ He shakes his head in disbelief. ‘Honestly, Alice, there I was thinking you’d brought a half-decent one home, and he turns out to be a Red!’
I warm up inside. Dad thinks Jamie is half decent. Okay, he is not impressed about his football allegiance, but he thinks he’s half decent.
The afternoon drifts on; the last of the salad and meat is eaten up. Lucy and Darcie settle into a competitive discussion about whose contractions were worse last time round, and Soph and Daz are sitting cross-legged on the lawn gazing at each other adoringly.
Dad has turned down all offers of help in tidying things away and so Jamie and I sit at the table swapping jokes about people at work.
The sun is blazing down and it’s one of those moments I’d be happy to live with for a while. Until Sophie comes to collect the bottle opener and spots that I’ve still got some trifle left in my bowl.
‘Not eating that?’ She giggles and has grabbed my spoon and shoved it in her mouth before I have time to retaliate.
‘That’s the bit Leo decorated after he’d been to the toilet,’ I say. ‘On his own.’
‘What?’ She puts her hand over her mouth. Gagging. We both know that our nephew’s toilets habits haven’t been refined. ‘You’re kidding, right?’
‘I might be.’
Jamie chuckles as she dashes off saying she’s going to gargle just in case.
‘She’s always been the same. What’s mine is hers,’ I say, smiling at him.
He’s got a quiet and gentle side that I’ve never seen in the office. Okay, he’s still teasing, but it’s nice. Affectionate. ‘But what’s hers is her own?’
I’ve never felt this chilled with anybody, never felt so totally accepted just as I am. Dave was always on edge. He didn’t like it when my sisters had hot debates, he didn’t like the whirlwind of activity as the twins lobbed balls past his head. He disapproved of the untidy rows of bright bedding plants, and the clutter in the house. I could tell he was always itching to tidy up the pile of shoes by the door, to straighten the cushions. But Jamie just seems to have accepted it. Accepted us as we are.
I don’t feel on trial, as though I need to be somebody I’m not or make excuses for my family. I’ve not felt this relaxed when I’ve brought a guy round for, well forever.
‘All quiet on the Western Front?’ Dad wanders over, still wearing his striped apron and carrying two beers. He passes one to Jamie.
‘Great barbecue, thanks,’ says Jamie.
‘Bet you’re ready for some peace and quiet now, eh?’ He chuckles, then checks his watch. ‘I reckon I’m off duty just in time, staying to watch the match?’
He glances from me to Jamie, and back again. My stomach does a little lurch. ‘Er, we need to get back, Jamie’s train is in…’ My voice tails off. I’d been so wrapped up in deciding what to wear, and what Jamie would think, and whether my family would like him, and a hundred other things – I’d completely forgotten City were playing. And I always stay and watch the game with Dad if I’m here. It is still our time. Bugger. ‘I could come back and…’
‘You stay,’ says Jamie. ‘It’s no problem, I can…’
Dad smiles. ‘We’re going to have to convert you, lad.’ He pats his arm, then kisses me on the cheek. ‘Nice to meet you, don’t forget to say bye before you go, Alice. We can chat when the highlights are on later.’ He pauses, raises an eyebrow at me. ‘If you’re not t
oo busy.’ And with a wave he sets off inside, not willing to miss a minute of the game – and I turn the colour of a beetroot.
‘He’s nice, your dad.’
‘He is. He won’t let it drop, you know, next time you come he’ll give you a full run-down of the match and highlight all the reasons through history that make City better than United.’ Oops, did I say, next time you come? Jamie doesn’t seem to have noticed. ‘Coffee before we go?’
He shakes his head. ‘I’m fine, unless you want one?’
I check my watch. ‘I think it’s time we went actually, if that’s okay with you? I need a lie down and I bet you do too!’ I say jokingly, then blush again as Jamie’s warm gaze meets mine. ‘I mean, I need to get home, for a rest.’ My cheeks burn. ‘Too many G&Ts, and too much laughing and competition, you know.’
‘I do.’ He grins. ‘I get why you like your own space at work now.’
‘Exactly! It’s always been like that, total chaos, everybody competing for attention.’
‘And food!’ He grins. ‘You’re the quiet one?’
‘I guess.’ I shrug. ‘I love my family—’
‘They’re fantastic.’
‘They are.’
‘But?’
‘But—’
‘Nothing is ever your own?’
‘Yeah, it was hard to feel that anything was mine as a kid. There was never much privacy, I shared a room with Soph.’ I think my smile is what you’d call ‘wry’.
He chuckles. ‘And everything else?’
‘Pretty much. She’s always borrowed my clothes and stuff, I mean she doesn’t mean anything, she just doesn’t think.’
‘And then you moved into your own place and nothing really changed?’
‘You got it! I had plans to have my own little place but,’ I shrug.
‘We Got Designs isn’t exactly the highest payer.’
‘Exactly.’
It takes about ten minutes to extricate ourselves from the bosom of my family, and, as we head for the gate, Leo is still hanging onto Jamie’s leg – and only lets go when Jamie agrees to helping him build ‘awesome stuff’ on Minecraft.
‘You don’t have to,’ I say as we head up the street, waving to the twins – who are now hanging off the gate, Mum will pay hell if she sees them – as we go.
‘Not a problem. Though he’ll have forgotten all about me by bedtime.’
‘I doubt it,’ I say softly.
It was once kissed never forgotten for me, but I think even if only our gazes – and not our lips – had met, I’d still have remembered him. Those kind, caring eyes, his grin, the unruly hair, the soft, sincere tone that emerges between the jokes and one-liners.
I don’t know whether he heard me, but our pace has slowed.
‘You had quite a challenge on trying to fit all the stuff that you don’t want messing with on your desk,’ he says ever so softly, and it feels like we’re in our own little space here. Me and Jamie. Jamie and me.
He’s got me. Just like that. ‘Yep.’ We swap a smile. I try not to stare. He understands. ‘It’s not that I’m mean and don’t want to share…’
‘I know.’ Our gazes lock. ‘But sometimes you need to keep some bits for yourself.’
‘Yes.’ We’re walking in step; my hand accidentally brushes against his and my body fizzes in response. ‘It’s not just Soph,’ I blurt out, wanting him to understand. He raises an eyebrow. ‘It was okay really, until Dave. He didn’t like my tat—’
‘It’s not tat!’
‘Not to me.’ I shrug. ‘But he wanted to buy me the stuff he thought I should have.’
‘Arrogant.’
‘Or confident? I’m not making excuses for him,’ I add quickly. ‘He thought he knew best,’ I say softly, remembering the delicate jewellery he’d wanted me to replace my heavy pendants with, the silver he’d thought was better than beads, the tasteful mug that was better than my jokey one.
‘Or he needed to make his mark?’
‘Suffocate mine, more like. It was a bit claustrophobic.’ I sigh, but I don’t want to spoil the day, spoil this moment. I’ve had more fun today than I have for ages. I’ve felt, well, carefree. ‘It was my own fault though, I let him. I should have stood up for myself, but it didn’t seem important enough to make a scene.’ And I didn’t want to lose him – not completely. He wasn’t bad, we weren’t bad as a couple. We just weren’t that good. But hanging on had stopped me from being forced to make my own decisions, stand on my own two feet, stand up for myself. Be my best me. I get that now. ‘But that’s all over now.’ I realize my voice is steady, my smile isn’t brittle or too bright like it was for months after we’d split up. I really have got a handle on this. ‘I’ve got rid of his stuff, and he can’t get in now you’ve put the lock on, and my housemates know how I feel. Why the hell I didn’t have it out with them earlier I don’t know.’ Sometimes solutions are easier than you think, aren’t they? Sometimes in your head you make problems bigger, tougher, than they are. You just have to stop, think, keep it simple and say what you want. ‘So, anyway, my stuff is safe! Thank you.’
‘No probs.’ Our hands make contact again, and this time he links his little finger with mine. ‘It’s not the lock that’s made the difference though, it’s you. And I didn’t do it so that you’d move your stuff off the desk.’
‘You better not have done!’
‘I like it. It reminds me of you.’
We walk on in silence. Did he really just say that he likes to be reminded of me? ‘Not that I’ve got blue feet.’
‘I’ll have to check that out one day!’ He chuckles. The tiny bubble of anticipation grows inside me. It’s not just the sound of his deep laugh, or the warmth of his body next to mine. It’s the words, the promise. The intimacy that I’ve never felt in a bed before, let alone a street.
Does this mean he’s prepared to take a risk? Find out that our kisses don’t have to be perfect every time?
A crowd of teenagers push past and tease the moment apart, break the mounting tension and the stillness that had been growing between us.
‘They’re fun, your family. We never had barbecues like that!’
‘I don’t think many people do.’ I grin at him as we walk on, move very slightly further apart, but even though his words are lighter, it is still there. That closeness. That feeling that there is only the two of us.
‘You’re lucky. When I was growing up it was just my parents, who are pretty quiet and studious and more into each other than anything else, and my annoying older sister who hated me.’
‘Hated?’
‘You know, proper sister–brother love–hate relationship.’ He smiles, it reaches his eyes. ‘We get on a bit better now, now we live miles apart and only see each other a few times a year.’ He grins, then pauses, our pace slows. ‘I tried to think of you like I do her.’ We’ve stopped. He’s gazing at me, his eyes darker than I’ve seen before, and the smiles fades.
‘Miles away?’ I say, the words croak in my dry throat.
‘A sister,’ he says, his look intent.
‘You tried to think of me as somebody you don’t get on with?’ My voice has a tremor, my laugh is nervous. I can’t help myself from staring at his generous mouth, the deep dimples, the white, even teeth.
‘I did. To stop me wanting to kiss you again.’
‘Oh.’
‘It hasn’t worked.’ There is a husky edge to his words. ‘The moment I saw you again, I wanted you, Alice. It scared me.’
The gin, laughter and sunshine whirl together in my body leaving me breathless.
‘I could never get that first kiss out of my head, and then you were there again. Standing in front of me.’ His fingers are at the nape of my neck, tangled in my hair. ‘The real you, not some fantasy. It would have been easier if you’d just been a dream.’ His voice is husky, sexy, stirring up all the want that I’ve tried to ignore for so long. ‘Pushing you away felt so wrong.’
‘You shouldn’t have,�
�� I say breathlessly. ‘Hanging on to it as a dream stops you from opening your eyes to the good stuff.’ I don’t want to be some ideal on a pedestal. Untouchable.
I want to be touched. I want to be touched so much.
‘I know.’ His warm hand rests on my arm and a tingle runs through my body, leaving goosebumps inside and out. I shiver. ‘You’re cold?’
‘I’m hot right now.’ I’ve taken a step in closer without even realizing, until my body bumps against his. Boy am I hot, and he can take that any way he wants.
‘Alice.’ His hands are cradling my face. His forehead rests against mine. Our gazes lock. This isn’t like that drunken moment at the festival. That was exhilaration, a mad moment. This is so much more. So real. ‘You’ve always been hot.’
My heart pounds faster, my lips part. Oh my God, I want to kiss him.
‘You looked so wild and free, and happy and beautiful.’ His thumb brushes my cheek. ‘And sexy.’ I lean into the touch of his slightly roughened skin, wanting more. ‘I thought I’d never see you again. I thought you weren’t real.’
‘I am,’ I whisper.
I can’t close my eyes as he tilts his head slightly. I want to see him, see his face, his eyes. I slide my hand along his back.
His muscles move below my fingertips as his lips meet mine.
He tastes of beer, of burgers, of ketchup. I clutch him tighter, my body sinking into his and I can’t help it now, I close my eyes as I drink in the smell of him, the taste of him. The taste of lust and sex. He nibbles my lower lip and a shiver runs through my body as I reach one hand up to run my fingers through his hair.
‘Oi! Get a room!’ There’s the honking of a car horn, and laughter and as the car speeds past we leap away from each other. Shocked.
I blink in the bright sunlight.
His hands are resting on my upper arms, he’s holding me at arm’s length. We stare at each other wordlessly. Then it’s as though reality hits. His hands drop to his sides, leaving me cold. Abandoned.
‘Oh hell, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.’
I can’t speak. My head is still spinning. I’m still in the kiss, wanting it to go on longer. I can still feel the firmness of his lips against mine, the warmth of his breath, the heat of his touch.
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