Hot Desk

by Zara Stoneley

  She giggles and bats me back with the other pillow.

  It’s like we’re kids again, back at home, sharing a room, sharing hopes and dreams, sharing the crap, hating each other, loving each other. We’re soon standing on the bed, launching at each other with squishy pillows until we both find our legs have gone wobbly and sink down in a heap. We collapse back, giggling. Both tilt our heads at the same time and our gazes meet.

  She reaches out and touches the back of my hand.

  ‘It’ll work out, Sis. There’ll be a reason. He seems a nice guy and he has been honest.’

  We both stare at the ceiling for a moment. She doesn’t know him.

  ‘Ask him. Go on, track him down and ask him. Then you’ll know.’

  I nod.

  ‘You need to know.’

  I nod again. She’s right. I do.

  ‘Another thing you need to know is that there’s a fucking big spider by that light fitting!’ She screams and jumps up, and I jump in surprise and fall off the bed the other side.

  She peeks at me under the bed from the other side.

  ‘I’ll just get these and be off then.’ She’s on her feet and scampering out, and I don’t realize until she’s heading through the doorway that she’s got something denim in her hand.

  I look up at the ceiling. There is no spider.

  ‘Give those back!’ I hurtle after her but know there is only one way. I’m on the bannisters before I give myself time to change my mind, and I land practically on top of her on the bottom stair.

  ‘Ouch!’

  ‘You deserve it! Now give me those.’ I prise my shorts out of her hand and hold them up triumphantly.

  ‘You are such a spoilsport sometimes. At least I got this!’ She holds the rest of my chocolate in the air, then sprints for the front door.

  I let her. Laughing and shaking my head as she turns to wave. ‘Wish me luck, Daz is coming round in a couple of hours’ time, so we can tell the oldies about our trip!’

  ‘Good luck, Soph! Though you don’t deserve it,’ I wag my finger at her, ‘that was my nicest chocolate, I was saving it!’

  I watch the door long after she’s gone through it.

  Family is the best, the real thing. Even if it’s chaotic, annoying, interfering. You can rely on your family.

  But a tiny part of me won’t stop saying that I need more.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Thursday

  Sugar. The breath catches in my throat as I put my handbag down under the desk.

  Mabel might not have new socks, but she does have a note wedged between her feet. My heart is pounding as I stare at it. I want to read it, but I don’t want to read it.

  Is he telling me that it is over, he has moved on – to another desk? Has he found a new job, is that why he isn’t in the office? He’s really moving on and I will never ever see him again.

  I hesitate, trying to build up my courage. Then I snatch it up. If this is bad, I can sprint over to the ladies and be there and locked into the privacy of a cubicle before it hits.

  Hope you’re okay? Shit, this is strangely formal. Formal means bad. I plonk myself down heavily onto the seat. Sorry for fucking up. You’re right, I should be able to talk to you, not avoid it. Can we talk? I need to explain myself. This is way awkward, I hate awkward, I liked being friends. I miss you. J

  No-kiss Jamie.

  I gulp. He misses me, but not in that way. More like he misses the sister he sometimes hates. And friends? Friends! I don’t want to be friends. I don’t think I can do that any longer. I don’t want to be friends with somebody I fancy the pants off. It’s too hard. There will always be that glimmer of hope.

  I screw the note up angrily.

  I need to be calm. This is stupid.

  We can talk, he can talk, say what he wants to. I will say I can’t do this. I cannot be friends.

  We can be colleagues. Keep a professional distance. Go back to how we were. I didn’t go to all this trouble of making sure my life, my belongings, were my own to throw it away again like this and pretend to be somebody I’m not.

  Except can we go back to the way we were before we shared a desk? Does that ever work?

  I power up my computer to distract myself, open my emails.

  ‘Somebody to see you, Alice.’ I glance up at the sound of my name.

  ‘Alice.’ Dave’s voice is loud and echoing in the half-empty office.

  Shit.

  ‘How the hell did you get in?’ I have enough trouble getting in myself.

  ‘Jack signed me in, I told him I wanted to surprise you!’

  Shit, I forgot he’s met Jack a few times. ‘Well he shouldn’t have!’ Grrr, I should have put posters of him everywhere.

  ‘Not a very nice welcome, though, I thought you’d be pleased to see me?’ He raises an eyebrow, sounding reproachful.

  I swallow my nerves down. ‘Why would I be pleased to see you?’ I can do this. ‘What are you doing here? I thought I’d made it quite clear that I didn’t want to see you?’ I am aware that although people have their heads down and are hammering away at their keyboards, they are listening in. I can’t blame them. I’d be the same. But I don’t want to take this into the meeting room. That will give out the wrong signals; he’ll think he’s important, that I want to speak to him. This has to be in the open, it needs to be brief. Impersonal.

  I’m also a bit scared about being locked in a room having a row with anybody. Which is stupid when he’s an ex, not some random stranger. But just the thought makes my heart hammer.

  ‘Oh Alice.’ He sighs, shakes his head. ‘I know we needed a break.’ He leans forward, touches the back of my hand and I snatch it away, repulsed by the touch. I don’t want him to touch me, it makes my skin crawl.

  ‘Not a break, Dave. The end.’

  ‘Oh come on, you’ve said that before and then wanted to make up! You know you need me; you know you can’t cope without knowing I’m there for you. Come on, admit it.’

  This is the problem; this is where I’ve got it wrong in the past. I have turned to him. Always. Hung on to him, like an old, thin, faded tea towel that no longer dries the dishes properly but you’re comfortable with. Dave has been my comfort blanket.

  But I don’t need him any longer. Not even now I’m upset with Jamie. Life without Dave has been better than life with him ever was. And now I’ve had the briefest glimpse of what being with somebody like Jamie could be like, I know I could never go back.

  I realize what I really want, need, out of a relationship. I know what I couldn’t accept with Jamie, I know what was so wrong with what I had with Dave.

  If you’re going to stick with somebody, if you love them, then you trust them, don’t you? You share your space, your life, the good bits and bad, you can show your vulnerabilities and you respect each other’s boundaries. Where you can go, where you can’t. You can be one good couple, but also two good individuals.

  ‘I’ll admit no such thing. I don’t need you, Dave.’

  ‘It’s been long enough, Alice. I’m sure you’ve done some thinking. I have and I’ve made a decision. I know this is what you want, what will make you feel happy and valued.’

  ‘Dave, I am happy,’ I say softly. I don’t need to shout. This time I’m confident in who I am. ‘I’m happy without you.’

  He ignores me; he clearly has a prepared speech. ‘I’ve realized that we are meant for each other. I might have taken you for granted a bit.’ He laughs as though he doesn’t really believe it. ‘We belong together.’

  The old Alice would have backed down, it is what he assumes I will do. But I know this is one confrontation I’m happy to face, and I know I don’t need him in my life, not even for another second. I don’t need an emotional crutch like I have in the past.

  I also don’t deserve to be spoken over and ignored. I stand up.

  ‘You need to go.’ I could call the dragon lady over, she’d soon chase him off. No, I can do this on my own. And if I make a stand,
he’ll know I mean it.

  It would be better if I do this myself. Better for me, and for Dave.

  If I hadn’t had my mind on Jamie, I’d have been more on the ball when he walked into the office. I’d have turned him round before he got to my desk.

  ‘Not until I’ve said what I came for…’ Shit, he is down on one knee. I can see Sal’s face out of the corner of my eye. She is wide-eyed. Lots of people are looking our way. If anybody takes a photograph, they are so fucking dead. ‘Marry me.’ He’s smiling, he’s confident.

  ‘Haven’t you heard a word I’ve said? Get up, you’re embarrassing me.’

  ‘I don’t care. You don’t care.’

  ‘I bloody do!’ I hiss. ‘This is my job!’

  ‘You won’t have to come back after the wedding, you can forget this place, forget your little job—’

  ‘It’s not a little job, it’s my career. And I’m embarrassed for you, not me, you idiot!’

  ‘You don’t have to worry about what these people think. I’ve even shortlisted some wonderful houses for us to look at,’ he says with satisfaction.

  ‘Are you joking?’ He is unbelievable.

  ‘No, I’m not. All you have to do is find the perfect dress, and Mother will of course be on hand to help.’

  ‘Your mother?’ I laugh. I can’t help it. ‘I’m sure she bloody well would be. I’d be buttoned up to the neck, covered down to my toes and unable to eat or even bloody breathe in a boned and tied corset her great-great-grandmother had handed down because “they knew how to be ladies back then”.’

  ‘Alice!’

  I’ve finally done it. ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to be disrespectful to her, but you need to get up on your feet and get out, Dave.’

  ‘We’re the perfect couple, Alice. Say yes and I’ll get up.’

  ‘And you realized this when? When I wasn’t the one chasing you anymore? Okay, if you won’t go I’ll tell you what I think. I’ll marry you over my dead body. If you were the last man on earth, I wouldn’t say yes, Dave. How can I marry somebody that I don’t trust?’

  ‘You do—’

  ‘No, listen for once in your bloody life! I don’t. I can’t share my life with a man who I have to hide things from, who doesn’t respect my stuff, doesn’t listen to what I want. I can’t share things with you, Dave, because you just take advantage of me, it’s all about you and what you want and what you think I should want. You don’t give me a say in my own life! And you’ve never really been there for me, supporting me. We just used each other, not loved each other.’

  ‘Rubbish. How can you say that?’

  ‘Because I love somebody else!’

  ‘No you don’t,’ he says flatly. Totally disbelieving.

  ‘I do.’

  ‘You haven’t had time to meet anybody, and I know you Alice, you are measured, careful.’ He is still being patronising.

  ‘Well I haven’t been this time, I’ve been impulsive, and I have known him for a while, ages actually.’

  ‘What’s his name?’

  ‘Jamie!’ I answer without thinking. Because it’s true. ‘And I first met him years ago, and then we bumped into each other again.’ Oh shit, who heard that? This is going to be all over the office.

  ‘You’re such a romantic girl, but this is real life not one of those films. It’s a silly fling, it won’t work out, Alice, but you and I will.’

  ‘I’m not wasting my breath even answering that. I’ve got a lot of work to do. I’ll show you to the lift, or would you like me to call Security to help you?’

  He slowly gets to his feet. Rests his hand on the desk, and I instinctively move mine back.

  ‘I can find the lift myself, I think.’ His tone has an edge of sarcasm.

  ‘Good.’ I turn back to my desk. I am trembling as I move stuff round on my desk waiting for my nerves to settle, for the adrenalin rush to seep away. Waiting to hear the ping of the lift so that I know he’s gone.

  ‘Here.’ Sal very gently places a cup of coffee on the shelf between us, and a bar of chocolate. ‘You look like you need this.’ Then she stands up and heads over to the printer before I even have time to thank her.

  Marry me? Two little words that are supposed to be magical. Desired. Not the effect I thought they would have on me at all. I’ve dreamed of hearing them since I was a teenager. I’ve lived my reaction over and over again.

  In my head those words make me feel dizzy with excitement, so happy I can barely speak. I cover my mouth with my hands, leap about like Tigger.

  Hearing them wasn’t like that at all. Instead I feel like I want to scream with frustration. And I am really fucking annoyed that Dave has spoiled it by doing this. Just how dense is he?

  I head off to the toilets to splash my face with water in private and take some calming breaths. It is always cooler in there than in the office. And I can pace. And scream.

  My mobile rings as I’m leaning over the basin staring at my flushed reflection.

  ‘Hey.’

  ‘Are you okay, Al? You sound a bit…’

  ‘I’m furious! Dave managed to worm his way into the office, then bloody asked me to marry him in front of the whole office! What planet is he on?’ I yell down the phone at Lou, then start to pace up and down. Which means I take three steps in one direction and bang my knees on the bin, then three steps back and stub my toe on the door. Which I am tempted to kick. I am literally hopping mad. That question, ‘marry me?’, was supposed to be a good one.

  ‘Really?’ Lou suddenly giggles. ‘Did he gallop up on a white horse?’

  ‘No, he came up in the lift! Stop laughing, it’s not funny, it’s bloody embarrassing.’ It is funny though, I can’t help it, I start to smile. ‘He’s totally lost the plot.’ I realize I am running my fingers through my hair, then look at myself in the mirror and try and smooth it down quickly, before somebody comes in and labels me Crazy Woman. It’s very funny. I start to laugh, and she joins in. ‘Oh shit, why do these things happen to me?’

  ‘Because you’re so lovely.’

  ‘Soft, you mean.’ I sober up a bit. ‘It’s my fault, I guess. I should have told him to sling his hook months ago.’ He’d been my go-to, my crutch. But I’ve outgrown him.

  ‘True, but lots of people do that, they hang on way past the sell-by date of a relationship.’

  ‘He’s only interested now ’cos he thinks I’m playing hard to get. He was like that when we first met. But he was always a bit distant, a bit…’

  ‘Emotionally unavailable?’

  I nod my head, even though she can’t see me. ‘Yeah.’ Emotionally unavailable; I was drawn to him like catnip when I needed support, reassurance – but I never really got either from him. Not really. But I just couldn’t help myself.

  Oh shit, is that what I’m repeating with Jamie? The man who keeps pushing me away. I’ve been turning to him more and more lately, relying on his notes. He made me feel safe, I felt I could trust him, share, he helped me stand up for myself, never took advantage, but now—

  ‘Al? You still there?’

  ‘Yeah. Sorry, Lou, I just needed a shout!’

  ‘I’m not fucking surprised! Anything you want as an engagement pressie?’

  ‘Sod off!’ She laughs. I run the water, splash my face.

  ‘Bugger, I can’t even remember why I called you now! I’ll call you later when I remember, yes?’

  ‘Sure, speak later.’

  ‘Er, you did say no?’

  ‘Lou!’

  ‘Just checking!’ She starts to laugh again. I press the end call button deliberately slowly. Then I smooth my top down, tuck my hair between my ears and march out of the ladies, wondering what kind of looks I am going to get. Shit, how many people heard me declare my love for Jamie? I’m going to have to pretend it’s a different Jamie. Yeah, they won’t know it’s this Jamie.

  But nobody seems bothered. Sal is the only one who shows any sign, and she’s standing by the coffee machine.

  ‘Hey, th
anks for the coffee earlier. You were right, I did need it!’

  She smiles. ‘It looked a bit heavy.’ There’s no question in her tone; she’s not fishing.

  ‘My ex, who doesn’t seem to have accepted that he is my ex.’

  She takes her drink out of the machine and looks me straight in the eye.

  ‘I’m not prying, but I thought you did great. You told him.’ There’s a hint of a smile on her normally straight face.

  ‘Not that he was listening.’

  ‘They don’t. It was he who sent the flowers, wasn’t it?’

  I nod.

  ‘Look, it’s none of my business, but stick to your guns if he pesters.’ She turns the cup in her hands, as though trying to decide whether to say anything else. Then it comes out in a rush. ‘I had an abusive husband; it started with subtle control I hardly noticed and then I found I couldn’t get away. I’m not saying your ex…’ She frowns. ‘File a report with the police if you feel at all threatened. Yes? They’re clever.’ She pats my hand.

  ‘It’s okay.’ I squeeze her arm back. ‘He’s harmless, just got a big ego.’ I smile. ‘Thanks though, I appreciate it, and I’m sorry about your ex.’

  ‘So am I. My fault for being such a doormat, I guess.’

  ‘No!’ I say firmly. Even though I’ve just had similar thoughts about myself. But Dave is different, Dave is just a stupid twat – Sal obviously had to cope with something far worse. ‘It’s never your fault, never.’

  ‘I wish I was assertive as you, Alice. You’re always so confident, you know where to draw the line.’

  ‘I’m a work in progress,’ I say, smiling as it hits me just how much progress I have made with my line-drawing. ‘But getting better.’

  ‘Me too.’ She smiles, a full-on smile that transforms her serious features. Then she turns away and walks back to her desk, her back straight.

  I watch her go as the coffee swirls out of the machine into my cup.

  Judgy Sal as Lou calls her, the quiet one who likes order and doesn’t like noise and disruption. The girl who has observed quietly and actually been quite kind, but not judgemental at all, since the hot desking started. And I’ve never really responded.