Double Desire

by Cassandra Dee

  “I mean, yes, there’s a Tigress because I looked it up on-line. The place exists,” said Jimmy ina stammer. “But whether Karlie danced there, I can’t say,” he said.

  “So she did or she didn’t?” asked the man again. “I’m sorry, please answer the question.” Man, my head was already spinning with confusion from the web of questions and answers. Being a lawyer definitely isn’t easy.

  “She didn’t,” said Jimmy again, looking down. “At least, not that I know of.”

  And that was that. The attorney led Jimmy through another series of questions, this time about whether the balls were deflated, and of course Jimmy said he’d made it all up. The whole story had been a hoax. He’d been looking to hurt me via my brothers, and had succeeded in the worst way.

  After two hours of questioning, the lawyer gave his summary.

  “In conclusion,” pronounced the attorney to the Commissioner and assembled panel, “Jimmy Long is a misguided boy, and someone who needs help. He did this all because of a woman, but is that really so surprising? Troy fell because of Helen, and here, our equivalent femme fatale is Karlie Jones.”

  My heart sank again. This ordeal had been painful and I hated the allegation that I was some kind of seductress. But all things considered, I was getting off easy. My secret life as a dancer was still secret, and my brothers’ football careers were still intact. Most importantly, no one knew I was sleeping with my stepbrothers.

  But I was confused, and my brain whirred because I didn’t know what to think about the twins anymore. On the one hand, I hadn’t protested when Colt and Cain proposed physical harm to Jimmy. It had turned my stomach, but I recognized how important it was to reverse the situation. Letting the allegations linger and stew would damage Colt and Cain forever, including their reputations, their integrity, and their ability to lead a football team.

  But on the other, what happened made me shrink back with horror because the thought of physical violence was terrifying. And the twins? They’d been experts in that little room. I’d heard the screams myself and seen the dazed confusion of Jimmy once he exited, along with the flicker of undisguised horror in his eyes. Maybe the damage hadn’t been visible, but he was clearly never going to be the same again.

  So when Colt and Cain had reached for me after that fateful night, I’d drawn back a little, shuddering a bit.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t know,” I said softly.

  “Don’t know what?” growled Colt, eyeing me hungrily. If I wasn’t wrong, the beating they’d administered had made their testosterone peak judging from the bulge at his crotch.

  Cain was even bolder. He unzipped and whipped out his dong, the full ten inches already hard and pulsing with arousal. His glans was deep purple and leaking with pre-cum, and oh goodness, I was tempted to forget everything and act like nothing had happened.

  “Taste it, Karlie,” he invited, looking at me with a gleam in his eye, already pressing down on my head with one big hand.

  But I squirmed away, squaring my shoulders.

  “I can’t,” I said firmly. “Not right now … and maybe not ever again.”

  That stopped them. Colt and Cain eyed me warily.

  “What’s wrong?” ground out Cain. “You love cock. You love both our cocks,” he clarified.

  “Yes,” I replied slowly, “but after what’s happened, it’s just too much, you know?”

  “No, we don’t,” rumbled Colt dangerously. “What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

  I looked at them straight, taking a deep breath while mentally rehearsing the answer I’d practiced.

  “I know you had to do what you did to Jimmy,” I said, my voice stumbling even though I’d replayed this scene in my mind countless times. But I had to finish.

  “I’m just not sure I’m okay with it,” I said. “I mean, I’m a photographer but I’m not a war photographer. I take stills, portraits, sports, animals, babies, you name it. There’s never any blood or violence, and I …well, I’m not sure I know you anymore,” I finished helplessly.

  “What is there to know?” ground out Colt, shaking his head. “We’re simple guys and besides, you already know everything about us. You know us inside out, our bodies, our lives, where we’re headed, and where we’ve been. What’s causing this?”

  God, this was an impossible task.

  “I guess I just never thought I’d be dating men who hurt others,” I said slowly. “Jimmy’s never going to be the same, you know.”

  My brothers were silent, looking at me.

  “Damn right,” said Cain. “That fucker deserves it.”

  But Colt was a little more understanding.

  “Karlie, we get it,” he said soothingly, his hand reaching for mine. I let him hold my hand, my palm swallowed in his giant one. “What we did to Jimmy wasn’t pretty, but it was necessary. I understand that it can be hard for someone peace-loving to abide by. Take your time, sweetheart. You need to work things out.”

  I shot him a grateful glance, thankful that someone understood my dilemma, and the way my heart felt like it was torn in two. Because I love them. Colt and Cain are my everything, but I wasn’t sure I could be with them, not after seeing how they’d beat Jimmy so badly. I guess true love isn’t perfect because there are so many nuances and I wasn’t sure how to navigate this.

  “Karlie,” interjected Cain with a dark look, “how long is this going to go on?”

  I understood what he was saying. Men like the McKessons are alpha males. They didn’t have forever, nor would they wait forever.

  But I am only me. I took a deep breath because I wasn’t sure about anything at this point. I wasn’t sure if there was a timeline, or if I would ever get over my distaste. But I needed space to think.

  “I don’t know,” I said soberly. “I’ll do my best to figure it out, I really will, but I’m confused inside. I just don’t what to think because everything’s jumbled up in my head.”

  My brothers gave me searching looks, their bodies still hard even after my confession. Because what could they do? If you love someone, let them go, but would I come back? Or were our lives going separate ways from now on after this horrible tragedy?

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Karlie

  “Mom, I don’t know,” I said helplessly. “I just don’t know.”

  “What don’t you know?” asked Karla, her voice pleading. “Why haven’t you applied to school? Are you not going to college at all now?”

  “It’s not that,” I said helplessly, “it’s just that ….” My voice trailed off.

  “Just what?” asked my mom.

  I didn’t know what to say. How could I explain that I’d been in a relationship with my stepbrothers, and that I was completely conflicted about that relationship now?

  “The last couple months have been tough, okay?” I said quietly. “I’ve never been in the public eye like this before.”

  “I know honey, I know,” said Karla, her voice sympathetic suddenly. “The NCAA panel was tough. There was that crazy Jimmy Long testifying in front of everyone, and you had your private affairs dragged out into the open. It’s not easy. Trust me, I know.”

  But my mom didn’t even realize half of it. Karla didn’t know that I’d been sleeping with my brothers. She didn’t know they’d beat up Jimmy Long, and I didn’t want to mention it either. But how to end this conversation on a good note? I didn’t want to let her know the real reasons for my hesitance, and why I’d retreated into a shell just to think things over. I needed time to reflect and be still, to sink into myself for a while while avoiding the scrutiny of the world.

  But Karla was worried. Usually I’m out and about, capturing the action with my camera. Maybe I’m not the star of the show but I’m definitely there, participating in my own way. But lately, I’ve just been holed up on my own. The twins are gone at pre-season training camp, and I’m all alone in my wing of the house. Karla had cornered me in the kitchen, catching me on one of my rare forays downstairs to grab some food.
I still had to eat to survive after all.

  But Mom was concerned and those red nails tapped against the kitchen counter reflexively, sounding out a steady drumbeat of worry for her only child.

  “Listen Mom, I’ll be okay,” I reassured her, sipping my coffee. These days I was downing caffeine like a thirsty woman stranded in the desert. It’s odd, I know, because most people with anxiety are warned away from caffeine, but I needed to stay awake because sleep only brought dreams filled with thoughts of my brothers.

  “Karlie, trust me, I know a lot more than you think,” said my mom.

  “Yes, Mom,” I said patiently. “But I don’t want to bother you with my problems because you and Jerry are so in love.”

  She paused delicately for a moment.

  “That’s true, honey, but we’re not so in love that we didn’t notice,” she said slowly. “I know we haven’t been the most attentive parents of late. We left the three of you to your own devices, but I still had one eye open and I saw how you looked at the twins.”

  My face flushed. Oh god, this was like my worst nightmare come true. My mom had noticed that I had a crush on the twins? I prayed “no” but suspected the answer was “yes.”

  “It’s natural for a young girl to be attracted to dominant men,” said my mom slowly. “After all, the boys are just like their father. They’re alpha males and natural-born leaders, magnetic and inspiring.”

  That was definitely how I’d describe Colt and Cain. Whether that applied to Jerry, I wasn’t sure, but I nodded, listening still.

  “The thing is, you, Colt and Cain didn’t grow up together, so they’re no different from any other boys you’d meet at school,” said my mom. I flushed again because the fact that we were talking about this so embarrassing. But my mom continued.

  “You know, there are some boundaries that should never be crossed. After all, human beings have these taboos to prevent all sorts of problems,” said my mom. “Take for example the Egyptian pharaohs. Brothers married sisters, and allegedly genetic defects were rampant, stillbirths and miscarriages happened all the time, not to mention adults with severe mental and physical disabilities.”

  I nodded, my heart in my throat. I’d done some reading about Amenhotep I, who was the result of three generations of inbreeding. The poor pharaoh had suffered from all sorts of impairments, from feminine hips to a cleft palate, not to mention mental defects which were undetectable from mummy reconstruction.

  But my mom was demonstrating a rare amount of intuition and insight.

  “Colt and Cain aren’t that,” she said forcefully. “They were strangers to you until a few months back, when we introduced you at the house,” she said, “and it’s natural to develop feelings. I know seeing them on trial wasn’t easy for you because it was like watching someone you love take a beating.”

  This is when I had to step in.

  “Mom,” I said slowly, “that’s the thing, Colt, Cain and I … well, we were dating,” I said. “For real,” I emphasized. “We knew it was crossing boundaries but it felt so right and,” I sighed, gesturing helplessly with my hands, “we went with it. I slept with my stepbrothers, Mom, and everything that goes with it.”

  Instead of being shocked, Karla nodded knowingly, albeit with some hesitance.

  “We’d guessed as such,” she said. “Jerry and I. We knew putting a pretty girl in the proximity of two males would probably cause some excitement.”

  “Then why’d you do it?” I asked, genuine astonishment entering my voice. “If you thought I’d be attracted to my stepbrothers, why place me in their vicinity?”

  My mom was silent for a second.

  “I didn’t know it’d go so far, I suppose,” she confessed anxiously. “I was worried about you Karlie. You didn’t seem to be developing as fast as other girls, and you never went out on dates,” she rushed. “I figured maybe the boys would take you under their wing, and show you around in the few months you’d have together before college. If you developed a light crush, then so what?” she said rhetorically, “I didn’t think it’d snowball into this.”

  “You mean, you didn’t think I’d be sleeping with them,” I said, direct and to the point. No point in beating around the bush any longer.

  “Definitely not,” said my mom emphatically. “I mean, had you ever slept with a boy before this Karlie? At least to my knowledge you hadn’t, and you were always dressed in those baggy black clothes. I didn’t think any guys would ask you out either.” That stung, but I could see the logic in it. “Colt and Cain, well, I thought maybe they could turn you around and help you be more social,” continued my mother.

  Again, I could see Karla’s reasoning, but it still hurt. My mom’s faith in my social skills was so low.

  “Mom, I know I wasn’t popular per se,” I defended myself, “but I still got out. I was always on the yearbook staff, I had a few friends and I was developing at my own pace. Wasn’t that enough?”

  “Of course it’s enough, honey. I just thought I’d give you a little boost. A push in the right direction if you will. Again baby, I never expected that you’d start dating your brothers, or that you’d fall in love.”

  That took me aback because my mom’s skills of perception were more acute than I’d thought. She’d used the “L” world and wasn’t brushing this off as a summer fling or puppy love. Instead she was acknowledging it as the real thing; as something valuable that I’d lost, with the twins’ absence penetrating deep into my heart.

  That was the crux of the problem. Was I mourning a lost relationship? The thought made my soul crumple because I loved them so much and I couldn’t quite believe everything that had happened. But it was still difficult to process the magnitude of the twins’ actions, from the pain they’d inflicted to the utter ruthlessness of their decisions.

  Karla stepped in again with her thoughts, which were curiously apt.

  “Honey, no man is perfect,” she said slowly. “I know you’ve been thinking things over. I know that you haven’t been communicating with Colt and Cain.”

  “How do you know?” I said swiftly. “Have you been monitoring my cell usage?”

  It was possible because my bills went to Jerry and he could probably see which numbers I called.

  But it was a lot less threatening than that.

  “Of course not, honey,” laughed my mom. “It’s because Colt and Cain have been talking to their dad, and he told me that they miss you. He told me that you never reach out to them anymore.”

  I gasped. So the extent of our relationship was completely obvious to our parents? Even Jerry knew of the tangled bonds between the twins and I? And my mom nodded, as if hearing my silent question.

  “We’re parents honey. We know a lot more than what you think … or what you’d like to think,” she said with a nod.

  I took a deep breath, still shocked but relieved as well. I’d been navigating these choppy waters alone, with no one to bounce my thoughts off of, but maybe I had an ally here.

  “But Mom, aren’t you worried that I’m in a threesome? Aren’t you worried about the negative blowback when people realize that I’m dating my stepbrothers, plural?”

  That made Karla laugh.

  “Honey, one thing I’ve learned from being married to Jerry is that only you and him matter,” she said. “Or in this case, you and them. Don’t let other people get you down because there will always be people who try to drag you underwater.”

  “I know Mom. Haters gonna hate and all that, but it would be especially bad if people found out about Colt, Cain and me,” I said slowly. “It’s a double-whammy after all. Twins dating their stepsister? It’s pretty shocking, you have to admit.”

  “Yes honey, but like they say, ‘everything will pass,’” she responded seriously. “Take me, for instance. You think that there hasn’t been a ton of gossip over my marriage to Jerry? Billionaire CEO takes up with his decades-younger secretary? It’s fuel for the fire, and plenty of people said nasty things. But Jerry and I, we j
ust stood firm. Our love is real, and that’s all that counted.”

  That was food for thought. I hadn’t really paid attention to my mom’s life recently because I was so caught up with the twins and completely immersed in my own world. But yeah, I could see how what she was saying was true. The press had probably been unkind to my mom, depicting her as some kind of Salome doing the dance of the Seven Veils in Jerry’s office.

  But my problems went further than that.

  “Mom, has Jerry ever done anything that you find … unpalatable?” I said, choking a little. “Like really off-putting? To the point where you don’t want to be with him anymore?”

  My mom thought for a moment.

  “Honey, I was Jerry’s secretary before we got married. I see everything he does in business,” she said. “He didn’t get to where he is without slitting some throats.”

  Yeah, I could see how that could be true.

  “But Mom,” I pressed. “What about things that you find despicable? Like you might not be able to live with it?”

  “Baby,” said my mom, taking a deep breath. “Jerry has engaged in some borderline business actions: things that might qualify as tax evasion, and even breach of contract if you analyzed it closely. But the thing is he always knows how to get himself out of a jam. Why, is something bothering you?”

  I let it all spill out then, including my dancing, the fact that Jimmy Long had lied during the trial, and the fact that Colt and Cain had beat him, forcing him to change his story. I explained how I wasn’t sure if I could live with the twins knowing about their sheer ferocity, and the violence they were capable of.

  My mom was silent.

  “That’s a big load honey,” she said slowly, “I can see why you’ve been hiding for a while. No wonder you didn’t want to walk at graduation,” she mused. “It’s been like a pressure cooker for you, hasn’t it?”

  I nodded tearfully.

  “I don’t know what to do, Mom,” I said in a quiet voice, looking down at my hands. “I love them so much but I’m scared. If they could do that to a man, what else are they capable of?”