Dare to Fall

by Estelle Maskame

  I look down at my hands in Jaden’s and only then do I realize that it’s not him who’s tightening his hold on me, but rather I am tightening my hold on him. I’m squeezing my hands around his so tightly that my fingers are rigid from the tension, my knuckles pale. If I’m hurting him, he doesn’t show it. “I couldn’t be around you when you were figuring that out, Jaden,” I admit, frantically shaking my head at him, ashamed. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could handle grief. “I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t, because I thought you would never find those answers. I thought you would be a different person. I thought you would never be happy again, and I couldn’t bear to watch that happen all over again.”

  “Kenzie,” Jaden whispers, sliding off the seat and dropping to his knees on the tiny floor of the boat in front of me, looking up at me from beneath his eyelashes. He moves his hand from my knee and cups my face, brushing away my burning tears with the soft pad of his thumb. “I cope because I have memories,” he tells me firmly. “I got to live sixteen years of my life with my parents, and I feel lucky for having every single one of those years. I knew they were happy, and although their time here was cut short, they had a good ride. They loved each other and they loved Dani and me, and I know them well enough to know now that they wouldn’t want me to spend the rest of my life hung up over them. They would want me to be as happy as they were, they would want me to keep on living. That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss them, because God, I really fucking do.” He exhales and glances up to the sky full of clouds, blinking several times and then looking back down at me. “But I cope because they will always live on in the memories I hold of them, so you were wrong. It’s not worse. It’s bearable, because I can’t imagine how it would feel to lose someone without having a single memory of them. Kenz,” he says, tilting my chin down toward him so that his eyes can meet mine. The sympathy within them is true and sincere. “I’m sorry.”

  “Tell me something normal,” I whisper, a tiny hint of a smile cracking through my pained expression. I feel lighter now, less weighed down somehow now that I have everything off my chest. I understand Jaden, but I may also understand myself. Now that I’ve said it out loud, I understand why I feel the way I do.

  “Okay,” Jaden says with a small smile. “I like you even more than I did an hour ago, and I thought that was pretty impossible,” he admits, “so thanks for proving me wrong.”

  He glances out over the water, back in the direction of the dock. With his hand still in mine, he straightens up from the floor of the boat and then places his free hand to my cheek, feeling the dampness of my skin. I know I’m a mess right now. A complete, utter mess. My mascara stings my eyes, so I roll my hoodie up and use it to dab at them.

  “Kenz,” Jaden says softly, and I pause, glancing up at him. He leans forward, hand still pressed to my cheek, and gently places his cool lips just above my temple. “Thank you for telling me everything that you just did.”

  23

  I drive over to Jaden’s grandparents house separately, following behind Jaden and Terry in the Corolla as they tow the boat back. The few minutes I have to myself are desperately needed. I drive with one hand on the wheel and with the other I furiously scrub my makeup off with a wipe as I glance back and forth between the road and my rearview mirror. My eyes are still red and puffy.

  As I drive, I feel light with a sense of relief, but there’s something more. I have an overwhelming feeling of pride that I don’t quite know how to process. I’m not sure why I feel proud of myself for breaking down in front of Jaden. If anything, I should be embarrassed, but for some reason I’m not. I think, just maybe, I’m proud of myself for building up the courage to finally let everything out.

  We turn onto Ponderosa Drive and I continue to follow Jaden and Terry back to the house. I’ve been invited over to spend the rest of the evening with Jaden, and I’m glad. I don’t want to go home yet. It’s still early, just after sunset, and after laying myself bare in front of him, I want to be with Jaden more than ever. They pull up into the driveway with the boat, and I park up by the sidewalk, killing the engine. Before I climb out of the car, I cast one final glance over myself in the small rearview mirror. My skin is blotchy and uneven, my eyes still swollen and my freckles on full display. I heave a sigh. There is nothing I can do about it now, and although I feel much more confident when my eyelashes are coated in mascara and my skin is perfected with a layer of foundation, it’s not the end of the world. I feel completely naked in front of Jaden today, but it’s okay. I grab my hoodie from the passenger seat and pull it on over my head, then step out of the car and lock up just as Jaden and Terry are hovering around the back of the Corolla. They’re trying to detach the boat’s trailer, most likely so that it can be pushed back into the corner of the driveway. I just hope it doesn’t get left there untouched for another whole year. That would be a shame.

  “Just head on in!” Terry calls over his shoulder. He’s kneeling down on the ground, pulling at something that I can’t quite see. “Nancy should be in the kitchen.”

  Jaden is lingering, waiting for his help to be called upon, and he glances over at me with a small smile of reassurance. He gives me a nod, encouraging me to go inside. “We’ll just be a minute.”

  I nod back and stuff my hands into the front pocket of my hoodie, turning toward the porch. The sky is a gorgeous painting of pink and orange streaks, but the darkness is slowly filtering through, cracking it. I pause on the porch, rub at my eyes one last time, and then cautiously open up the front door. That glorious scent of cinnamon wafts straight over me and I step inside the warm, cozy house. It’s much more welcoming than mine. I respectfully take off my shoes and follow the trail of candles down the hall, awkwardly peering around the open kitchen door. I almost feel as though I’m intruding.

  “Hello, Kenzie!” Nancy says. She looks surprised but pleased to see me when she glances over from the TV. She’s sitting at the table with a steaming cup of coffee, her glasses perched on the bridge of her nose, her cheeks rosy as always.

  “Hi,” I say, stepping fully into the kitchen. I point behind me at nothing in particular. “They’re just unhitching the trailer,” I explain.

  “Great!” She sets the coffee down and pushes herself up from the table with a beaming smile on her small face. “Can I get you anything? Something to drink?”

  “Some water would be perfect right now,” I say. My throat is still so dry that my voice sounds raspy, so I really could do with a drink. Nancy gently squeezes my elbow with her warm, frail hands as she brushes past me on her way to the refrigerator.

  “I thought it was you,” someone mumbles from behind me, and I crane my neck to find Dani padding into the kitchen. I’m still not entirely sure where I stand with her yet. She smiles at me in Spanish class now. Even says hello sometimes. But it’s still nothing like the friendship we had before. “Did you have fun out on the boat?” she asks. She flops down onto one of the kitchen chairs and begins to gather her dark hair up into a ponytail, her gaze still fixated on me. I’m not sure if she’s being passive-aggressive or friendly.

  “It was great to see it back out on the water,” I answer to play it safe. Fun? For the most part, yes. The rest of the time I was either nauseous or in tears.

  “Right?” she agrees, and her eyes light up. She secures her hair and then leans back against the chair, rolling her eyes. “I’ve always thought we should use it.” As Nancy walks back over from the refrigerator and hands me a bottle of cool, fresh water, Dani looks up at her. “I think we’re all going to take it out on Sunday, aren’t we?”

  “We sure are!” Nancy says.

  There are footsteps in the hall as Jaden and Terry come inside to join us, chatting between themselves until they enter the kitchen. Nancy turns around to put the coffee on, and over her shoulder, she cheerfully asks, “Did you enjoy taking the boat out, Jaden?”

  “Yeah,” he says, but a moment later, he presses his lips into a small, closed smile and releases a long, slow si
gh. “It’s just weird, you know? I kept thinking it should have been Dad behind the wheel and not me.”

  A strangely long moment of silence follows. The only sound is the quiet whistle of the coffee machine as Terry slumps down into a chair at the table, directly opposite Dani, who stares blankly at her hands. Nancy frowns. I think it’s the first time I’ve actually witnessed a glimmer of sadness, but I’m not too surprised by it. I would be naïve to believe that they didn’t still have these moments where a brief reminder of what they have lost comes rushing back to them.

  Jaden cracks his knuckles and the irritating sound is enough to break the silence. Exchanging a sideways glance with me, he gives me a knowing smile and then announces, “We’ll be upstairs.”

  I follow him out of the kitchen and into the cinnamon-infused hall, sipping at my bottle of water all the way upstairs to his room. It’s ridiculous how dry my mouth is, most likely from all the tears I’ve wept, so I gulp the water down until it quenches my thirst. Once inside Jaden’s room, he closes the door behind us and then scrambles to quickly arrange his unmade bed, though I remain rooted to the spot at the door, my eyes fixated on the floor. There are too many thoughts running through my head right now. Jaden turns back around and closes the distance between us, stopping directly in front of me. With deep concern, he quietly asks, “How are you feeling now?”

  I drop my eyes to the floor again and give him a small shrug. I don’t know how I feel, because right now, I am feeling too many things at once.

  Jaden’s piercing eyes study every part of my face for a while. It’s as though he’s seeing me for the very first time all over again, though right now I must look ten times worse. “I’ve never seen you like this,” he says.

  “I know. I’m sorry,” I say, self-consciously turning my head to one side, away from him. “Close your eyes.”

  “Or,” he says, placing his thumb gently to my chin and angling my face back toward him, “I can keep them open, because I get a nice view of these.” He moves his thumb from my chin to my cheeks and brushes it over my exposed freckles the same way he did at homecoming. I don’t know why he likes them, but I figure my freckles to him are the same as what his birthmark is to me. Something cute and unique, something special.

  “A nice view?” I echo, reaching for his hand and moving it away from my cheeks. I raise an eyebrow and then grasp the collar of his flannel shirt, folding it down to reveal that oh-so-adorable tan birthmark on his neck. “Shouldn’t I have a nice view too?”

  “Oh God, no!” he whines, grabbing my hand and trying his absolute best to stop me, but I keep on persisting, keep on messing with him until we end up wrestling with one another. I keep trying to pull back the collar of his shirt as he tries to push my hand away, but eventually he bursts into laughter. “Kenz! I swear!”

  “Yes, Jaden?” I say, but I’m still fighting back against him, still pushing. He’s grabbing at my hands and I’m grabbing at his, the pair of us laughing at how pathetic this is until we eventually collapse backward onto his bed. Jaden falls first, and I land on top of him, my chest against his. I might just be crushing him, but I don’t care, because I seize the opportunity to finally reveal that birthmark of his. Quickly, I hook my fingers over the soft material of his shirt and pull it back, planting a kiss directly on the birthmark. “Cute, cute, cute,” I murmur when I lean back to meet his eyes. I look down at him and we stare at one another, lips parted, breathing slowly.

  “Same to you,” he whispers. His strong arms snake their way around my body until I’m fully wrapped in his embrace. He pulls me down against him and touches his forehead to mine. The corner of his lips curve into a smirk, and I have no choice but to close the distance between us by leaning forward and pressing my mouth against his. Right now, all I want is him.

  Silence pounds in my ears as I close my eyes, utterly enthralled by the movement of Jaden’s lips against mine. He kisses with just the right balance of softness and roughness, and this time, I let him take full control while I sink into the spine-tingling sensation. His arms are still wrapped around my body, holding me down against him, and my hand is resting on his neck, still touching his birthmark. He doesn’t seem to mind anymore, because he’s too busy kissing me, and I’m too busy kissing him back.

  He rolls us over so that’s he’s hovering over me now, pinning me between his body and the bed. One hand is holding himself up, the other is wrapped into my hair. Our movements become more eager, more urgent, more intense. After confiding in Jaden back on the boat, there’s a sense of immense trust between us. He trusts me and I trust him, and our kiss is fueled by our emotions. It’s both playful but meaningful, rough but caring. I can feel his gentle nature in the way his lips softly capture mine, but also his seductiveness in the way that he takes my lower lip between his teeth. I don’t remember him ever doing this before, but God, it’s driving me crazy. It only makes me want more from him, more of him.

  Reaching for the collar of his shirt again, I move my fingers to the top button, but I don’t undo it yet. I’m not sure how far Jaden will want to go, so instead, I break the kiss, tearing my lips away from his. My eyes flicker open and so do Jaden’s. Both of us are breathing heavily, his glossy, lustful eyes mirror mine, and he runs his tongue over his lower lip, surprised by my sudden disruption.

  With a small smile, I glance down at the buttons of his shirt and then back up. “Okay?” I whisper.

  Jaden nods once and leans back in, only this time, he presses his lips to the edge of my jaw. He plants kisses along my skin, fingers still tangled into my hair, while I undo the top button of his shirt, and the second, and the next. I slip my hand underneath the material and run my fingertips across his chest. His skin is smooth but is radiating blazing heat, and I press my palm flat against his chest, feeling his heartbeat. It thumps erratically beneath my hand, but it reminds me that he’s still here, still breathing after everything he has been through, the exact same way that I am. I thought Jaden was strong, but maybe I am too.

  I pause for a minute as Jaden trails a path of kisses along my jawbone and down to my neck. My eyes flutter shut and I tilt my head to one side, slipping my hands back through his hair and enjoying the pleasure that spreads throughout my body in warm waves as his moist lips work against the soft skin of my neck. I shiver beneath him and drop my hand from his hair back down to his half-opened shirt, blindly fumbling around for the remaining buttons.

  That’s when I hear the click of the door as it opens.

  Jaden’s lips disappear from my skin at the exact same time as I release my hold on his shirt, and he pushes himself up and scrambles to his feet. Quickly, I sit up and automatically press my hand to my neck, where Jaden’s kisses are still fresh.

  Dani is standing at the door, looking both surprised and amused by the sight in front of her. “Oh God,” she says, pulling a face. “Grosssss.” She folds her arms across her chest and leans against the doorframe. “Grandma wanted me to let you guys know that there are fresh cookies downstairs, but I doubt you’ll be interested. You seem a little . . . well, busy.”

  “Thanks for fucking knocking,” Jaden mutters as he rushes to do up every single one of the buttons I’ve just opened. His cheeks are flushed red the same way mine are, and he walks across the room toward Dani, pushing her out into the hall. “Get out of here, Dracula.”

  “Not cool,” Dani says, pursing her lips and shaking her head back at him. She peers around his broad shoulders in order to look at me, though there’s a teasing glint to her eyes. I can’t look at her, so I drop my gaze straight to my lap. This is embarrassing.

  “I said get out,” Jaden repeats more firmly this time, stepping in front of Dani to cut off her view of me. He gently pushes her back another step, and then he slams the door shut. As he turns back around to look at me with irritation written all over his features, he releases a groan and sits down on the edge of the bed next to me. “I’m sorry about that,” he says, running a hand back through his hair. His cheeks ar
e still tinted with a rose hue and the color deepens when I place my hand on his knee.

  As I’m looking at him, I notice the photograph on the shelf behind his shoulder. It’s the photograph of Jaden, Dani and their parents, Brad and Kate. The photo that was taken back when Dani’s hair was still naturally blond and the same shade as Jaden’s.

  “Did Dani dye her hair to look more like your mom?”

  “What?” Jaden follows my gaze to the frame behind him. He looks at it and then shrugs several seconds later. “She really misses her,” he tells me, glancing back over. His cheeks are finally returning to their natural color. “She said she wanted to look in the mirror and see Mom, but she dyed her hair way too dark, and now she looks like Dracula.” He laughs a little under his breath, and I figure it must be a running joke between them.

  I nod to the photograph. There’s an idea forming in my head and I’m not sure whether it’s a good one or not, but at least I know that my intentions are. “Can . . . can you take the picture out of the frame?”

  Jaden looks perplexed again, but he does as I ask anyway. He stretches over his bed and swipes the frame off the shelf, then turns it over in his hands and removes the back. He pulls out the photograph and holds it up to me. “Why?”

  “Because,” I say, gently taking the photo and rising to my feet, “we’re going shopping.”

  24

  “You know, Kenz,” Jaden murmurs, “when you started taking my shirt off, this wasn’t exactly where I imagined the night going.” He slides out of the passenger seat of Mom’s Prius and shuts the door behind him, looking over the roof of the car at me. He purses his lips innocently, but I only roll my eyes and turn away from him before he can see me blush.

  It’s dark out and we’re standing in the parking lot of Walgreens. Admittedly, it’s not where I expected the night to go either, but when an idea like this hits, I don’t have a choice other than to follow through with it. It could backfire entirely and may not be appreciated the way I’m hoping for, but I feel as though it’s at least worth a shot. I could do with something to focus on right now.