A Christmas to Dismember

by Addison Moore

  “Aw, come on, Biz.” Georgie elbows me. “Tell him the truth.”

  Jasper nods. “I’m with Georgie. The truth is my favorite place to start.” His expression remains stern but playful. Or not.

  “It was Camila’s fault.” I start right in the middle. “She had no business taking that picture.”

  Jasper shakes his head. “Wrong answer. Try again.”

  “Fine. I went to Elora’s Closet to help Macy get the lowdown on the competition.”

  Georgie nods. “And I went, too, for the very same reason. Imagine our surprise when we spotted hundreds of eligible bachelors, all clamoring to get in our pants.”

  “You’re not helping,” I’m quick to tell her.

  Rudolph gives a few happy yips as he struggles to get down. Tell him about the girls I met and how they’re plotting to steal me in the night!

  Good grief.

  I bat my lashes up at my ruggedly handsome plus one. “Rudolph just mentioned there are teenagers plotting to kidnap him. We should really beef up security at the cottage.”

  Jasper shakes his head. “Nice try, but nobody is stealing that dog on my watch.”

  “That’s right.” Georgie kisses Rudolph on the top of his head. “They’re stealing you, Bizzy, right from under Jasper’s nose. I saw the way those men were ogling you. There’s a bona fide Bizzy Baker Wilder fan club forming right this minute.”

  “Great.” Jasper gives a short-lived smile. “Can I be president?”

  “You can be the only member.” I swallow down a laugh. “Forgive me?”

  “There’s nothing to forgive. I hope. Now, what about the case?”

  I shrug. “Eve pointed the proverbial candy cane in Arthur Silver’s direction.”

  “And I’ll take it from here.”

  Before I can contest it, Rudolph wiggles his way to the snow and darts under the huge red and white tent where a majority of the trees are set out on display.

  “Don’t worry, Bizzy!” Georgie takes off. “I’ll wrangle him for you.”

  Sherlock takes off running and barking himself. Run, run, Rudolph! There’s nothing like slipping and sliding on the fluffy white stuff. You can glide on your paws for a mile, and it makes it feel as if you’re flying!

  Fish closes her eyes as she lets out a meow. And he’ll wonder why his paws are frozen tonight. I suppose I’ll have to defrost them once again. A kitten’s job is never done.

  Jasper pulls me in and warms me in his arms. “So tell me. How much competition am I up against?”

  “Absolutely zero. I only have eyes for you. In fact, I don’t even remember the men that were there.” I give his bright red tie a quick tug just as my phone bleats and I pull it out. “Ooh, it’s Brad Wilson,” I say as I bounce on my heels. “He’s an investment broker, and I really like him—for Macy,” I say as I shake my head up at him. “I wasn’t planning on shopping for a husband for her, but since I had boots on the ground…” I quickly text him Macy’s number. “There.” I flash my phone at Jasper. “Now they can connect. Just wait until you meet him.”

  “I cannot wait. I’ve been meaning to do a little target practice.”

  A laugh bumps from me as I swat him, and just like that, my phone bleats again.

  “Another one?” Jasper is more than mildly alarmed.

  “Oh, it’s just Jack. He’s a raunchy realtor. Him, I don’t care for.”

  “It’s nice to know you still have standards.”

  Fish presses her paws up over my chest. Who should we gift Jacko to?

  “I’m thinking Jack belongs with Camila.” I quickly shoot him her number. “That’s what she gets for landing me in hot water to begin with.” I wince up at Jasper. “I sort of landed myself there, didn’t I?”

  “You did.” His chest vibrates with a laugh. “I think you’re going pro.”

  Huxley and Mackenzie materialize, and soon Hux has Jasper embroiled in a conversation about a case he’s working on. Apparently, Jasper helped arrest the person Hux is defending.

  Mackenzie seizes the moment to drag me off to the side by way of yanking my arm. She’s donned a long red and white checkered coat, and I loathe how much I’m lusting after it. Her chestnut hair is pulled back and her makeup looks on point. I’m guessing she would have racked up a few more numbers than I did at that slimy shindig earlier. Or if she was in the mood to go old school, she could have just stolen the men who were interested in me like she did back in high school.

  Try not to drop me, Bizzy, Fish yowls. How dare she touch you like this. I’m suddenly craving a matching set of wicked eyeballs for Christmas, she says as she swipes for Mack.

  “Hey”—Mackenzie barks down at her—“keep your paws and claws to yourself. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were aiming for my eyes.”

  An ear-to-ear grin explodes over Fish’s furry face. It’s good to know I can get my point across when needed.

  Mack juts her head my way. “So are you ready to do it?”

  “Hold on, girls!” Georgie traipses on over as both Sherlock and Rudolph fly past us and Huxley scoops up Rudolph before he can get away. “Don’t get to the juicy parts without me.”

  “There are no juicy parts,” Mack grouses. “This is Bizzy I’m dealing with.”

  Georgie gives my nemesis a slow wink. “You know her well, I see.”

  “All right, you two.” I take a moment to glare at Mackenzie. “Get to the fun part. I have a handsome husband, and I want to get to the juicy part of the evening.” I shoot a look to Georgie. “Which I am more than capable of.”

  Mack nods. “That’s what I’m here to talk about.” She flicks a finger at Georgie. “Scat. I’ve got something important to discuss, and my time is short.”

  Fish swipes up at Mack once again. Nobody tells Georgie Conner to scat.

  “Fish is right,” I say, kissing her on her furry head and not caring one iota that neither human I’m with has any idea of what I’m talking about. “Georgie and I don’t have secrets.”

  “That’s right.” Georgie postures. “Sure, all of Bizzy’s secrets are boring and guaranteed to put even the incurable insomniac to sleep, but it doesn’t mean I’ll stop pretending to listen to them.”

  I avert my eyes. “What is it, Mack?”

  “You know what it is,” she snips. “You’re supposed to be helping me set up this proposal.”

  Georgie gasps. “You’re proposing to Huxley!”

  “Would you shush?” Mackenzie takes a moment to batter an old woman over the arm. “Keep it down, or the only person who will be surprised will be you when you find yourself in traction.”

  Georgie nods. “I like you, sister. You’re spunky.”

  “She’s a walking felony in the making,” I say. “Keep your claws off Georgie. Might I remind you there are townspeople here outfitted with cameras? A picture of you beating an old woman is precisely the thing your opponent is looking for.”

  “Feh.” Georgie waves it off. “I’ve known women like this. That’s how she initiates people into her bad girls club.” She leans. “So tell me, missy. Am I in or am I in?”

  Mackenzie sniffs. “You’re in.”

  Georgie whoops and hollers.

  “But no funny business,” Mack is quick to point out. “Now I need you both to strategize how to best pull this off. Bizzy, what kinds of things does your brother like?”

  I make a face. “Mean girls turned mayors with a penchant for terrorizing her constituents. I don’t know. You’re the one that’s looking to marry him. The last thing I remember putting a smile on his face was a mountain of unwashed socks in his room that smelled like vinegar.”

  Fish mewls, And now his attraction to Mackenzie Woods makes total sense.

  She’s not wrong.

  Georgie snaps her fingers. “He likes things that deal with the law. How about you handcuff him to yourself and say meet your new ball and chain?”

  “Ixnay,” Mack bleats without so much as shedding a smile.

  “Bless
you,” Georgie is quick to tell her. “How about a trip in a hot air balloon? Once you hit the stratosphere, you can pop the question, and if he doesn’t say yes, you just tip him over the side. What happens in space stays in space. The world will be none the wiser.”

  A breath hitches in my throat. “Oh my God, Georgie, didn’t you once have a mishap like that with a man in a hot air balloon? Please tell me you didn’t push him overboard.”

  “A girl never kisses and tells.”

  Fish shudders. Or shoves and tells either.

  Mackenzie gurgles out a maniacal laugh. “I like you, Georgie Conner. That’s more than I can say for you right now, Bizzy. Here she’s come up with a half a dozen ideas and you’re still stuck on go.”

  “She came up with two ideas,” I’m quick to correct. “And one of them was a felony.”

  Georgie nods. “I’m sensing a theme here.”

  I nod because it should be a felony for Mack to propose to anyone, let alone my brother.

  Mack leans in. “How did Huxley’s other wives propose to him? I’d hate to have a repeat on my hands.”

  “They didn’t.” I examine her a moment. “He proposed to them.”

  She huffs as she looks his way.

  Why, I oughta take him home and teach him a lesson. Her mind flits to white noise right after that testy thought. The white noise is more or less a wall of resistance my brain put up once someone’s mind decides to take a walk on the raunchy side. And believe me, I’m grateful for the sexy shield. Especially now. The last thing I want is a preview of Mack and the lessons she’d like to teach my brother.

  “Fine. I’ll think of something,” I hear myself say. “He’s my brother, after all, and if you’ve somehow figured out how to cast the right spell to make him happy, then the least I can do is help winnow out the right proposal for him.”

  Mackenzie sighs as she looks my way. “That was somewhat sweet—despite the fact you threw a zinger into the mix.” She checks her phone. “I have to go. The fire department is here shooting a poster for the Cider Cove Christmas Spectacular, and they’ll be holding me up as I lie horizontally in their arms.” She darts to our right where I see Macy lying horizontally while a herd of shirtless Santas hold her in their arms.

  “Hey!” Mackenzie barks. “Get down, Macy Baker! Those are my naughty Santas you’re messing with.”

  Georgie gives a wistful shake of the head. “You’re really lucky, Bizzy. She’s going to make a great sister-in-law. I always ended up with the fuddy-duddies.”

  “I’m ending up with something, all right.”

  “Don’t worry, kiddo. You’ll always be my favorite fuddy-duddy.” She gives me a pat on the back before heading toward the naughty Santa scene herself.

  “Hey, wait! I thought I was pretty great.”

  Hux takes off after his plus one, and Jasper comes my way with both Rudolph and Sherlock running circles around him.

  “I think you’re pretty great.” His brows flex as if he was still as perplexed by my actions as he was when he arrived. “How about finding a tree with me?”

  “It’s a date,” I say.

  “Does this mean I made it past round one?”

  “Maybe,” I tease. “When we get home, I’ll let you show me what you’ve got.”

  “Challenge accepted. I’ve got a few night moves I think I can impress you with.”

  “Ooh, you’re confident. I like that.” I reach for the nearest tree blindly as I grin up at my handsome hubby. “And I think I like this tree. Our wicked work is done.”

  “Someone is in a hurry to get home.”

  “Someone is about to impress me with their night moves. Can you blame me?”

  “Not if I’m the one with the moves.”

  We pay for our evergreen, scoop up our menagerie, and head back to the cottage where Jasper Wilder impresses me with a few new night moves he managed to pull out of his sleeve.

  Score one for the singles mingle.

  Now to even the score with whoever killed Quinn Bennet.

  Arthur Silver had better watch out because I have an axe to grind with him next.

  Chapter 9

  The very next day I spend the entire morning and afternoon trying to figure out creative ways that Leo could propose to Emmie, ways that Huxley could propose to Mackenzie, and ways that Mackenzie can propose to Huxley. A part of me proposes my brain take a break from all the proposal madness.

  Now if Emmie comes up and tries to enlist me to help her propose to Leo, I’m going to propose we all go out for margaritas and tacos before we hit the Little Chapel of Love on the way home for a couple of quickie nuptials.

  Lord knows there isn’t enough peppermint bark in the world to help figure this all out. I know this firsthand because I’ve polished off an entire platter on my own, and now I’m buzzing off a sugar high that there might be no coming down from.

  But I needed the distraction of all these potential weddings, and boy, does chocolate ever deliciously distract. And not just from the bevy of brides in my future. Before Jasper left for work, he made me promise on the lives of our furry menagerie that I wouldn’t go off on my own to hunt down Arthur Silver. In return, he promised that should he track Arthur down, he’d bring me along on his investigative efforts.

  Which is precisely why I find myself in Edison, a seedy town just east of Cider Cove, staring up at this dicey town’s famed Radio Hall with a neon flashing sign that reads The Mistletoettes, Edison’s small town version of the Rockettes. Jasper tracked down Arthur Silver and graciously extended the investigative invite my way.

  Mom shakes her head up at the building before us. “I used to bring you and your siblings here every year just before Christmas. That was back when your dad and I were still together and I thought I was taking the family off his hands for a few hours so he could pick up something nice for me for the big day. But as it turned out, he was picking up something nice for himself, the saleswoman at the lingerie shop.”

  Georgie rocks her head onto Mom’s shoulder. “Look at it this way, she was testing out all those lacy frilly numbers for you. I’m sure Nathaniel was only bringing home what he liked.”

  “Oh, he did,” Mom is quick to answer. “He brought home the girl from the lingerie store. She was wife number two.”

  Juni grunts, “Don’t worry, Ree. He did the same thing to me, only it was a girl from the jewelry store. Teaches us to send our husband out for Christmas gifts.”

  Georgie nudges me. “Where’s Jasper?”

  I gulp at the thought. “He—uh, fine. He said he needed to pick a special something up for a special someone’s Christmas gift, but that he wouldn’t miss the show.”

  Juni ticks her head to the side. “Would that make you or the other woman the special one in this equation?”

  Mom growls, “Don’t listen to her, Bizzy. Jasper wouldn’t dare step out on you.”

  “Here’s hoping,” Georgie says as she slings an arm over my shoulders.

  This afternoon Jasper called and let me know that he had it on good authority Arthur Silver was coming down to see the Mistletoettes Christmas Extravaganza tonight, and that we should join him—him being my ever-faithful husband. And being a longtime fan of the aforementioned show, I wasn’t about to say no. I invited my mother to come along, and since Juni and Georgie were at the shop, too, they hopped on board for the leg-kicking express.

  We ante up at the front and make our way inside the dimly lit theater with its crimson plush carpeting and walls covered in purple damask. Bodies file in along with us as the crowd rushes to get into their seats. We head over to the coat check and turn in our winter duds, thrilled to expose our holiday attire to one another. I’m still as excited today as I was when I was six over a fancy number to wear on the big day.

  Mom and I have each donned a bright red dress—hers being a touch fancier than mine. Georgie has on a red and green tie-dyed kaftan that has already garnered a few stray looks, but Juni is the star, or should I say, spectacle of the
show in a short silver number that looks as if it’s comprised entirely of tinsel.

  “Juni—” Mom gasps, and I’m not sure this is a good thing. Ree Baker has been known to speak her mind a time or twenty, and my father mentioned it was a large variable in his matrimonial disappearing act. “You’re like a homing beacon for lost ships.” She shields her eyes with her arm and squints for effect. “You’d better sit next to Georgie or I might lose some eyesight tonight. Let’s hope no one has a seizure. Did you get that dress off the rack or off a Christmas tree?”

  Juni openly frowns at my mother. “You’re just loaded with them tonight, ain’t ’cha, Ree Ree? I’ll have you know, I picked this little number up at Elora’s Closet when I drove by this afternoon.” She looks to Georgie and me. “Since you two were rude enough not to include me in on the testosterone fun yesterday, I thought I’d run by and see if there were any leftovers I could scoop up. But the next singles mingle isn’t until Valentine’s Day. Lord knows all my bits and pieces are liable to dry up by then, so I thought I’d seize the moment. When you’re my age, every day is Valentine’s Day.”

  Georgie leans in. “The day you sit home alone, binge-watching rom-coms while eating Cherry Garcia straight out of the carton?”

  “You betcha.” Juni gives a curt nod along with her response.

  “You and me both, sister,” Mom says “And to be honest? I’ve liked my Cherry Garcia more than I’ve cared for most of the men I’ve dated.”

  Georgie shakes her head. “Desperate times call for desperate mothers.” She snaps her fingers. “I say we set a goal. The three of us are going to have hot dates for Valentine’s Day this year. That gives us two months to find a trio of men willing to play the part of Mr. Chocolate Hearts and Billionaire Brains.”

  Mom rolls her eyes. “You mean Mr. Right Now.”

  “Let’s hold out for the good stuff, Prep.” Georgie gives Mom a pat on the arm. “Are chocolate hearts, brains, and billions too much to ask of the universe?”