Looking for Love

by Kathy Bosman

  ***

  “May I borrow your sander?”

  Ross sent her a message on her cell phone the next day while she stood out on the field watching the labourers bring in some harvested grain. Ella had spent the day tending to her gran and checking up on the farm. She didn’t really know what to check but did follow her gran’s mumbled instructions. When would the pain meds wear off? Why was she so sleepy all the time?

  “If you can break into my garage somehow.” Ella smiled as she waited for his response.

  “Where are you?”

  “In Bethal, Mpumalanga.”

  “With your gran?”

  “We went up to visit her and she got hurt. She’s okay but I’m looking after her.”

  “You okay?”

  The question could mean so many different things. “I’m okay. And you?”

  “Should I come to you?”

  “No, definitely not. It’s a Monday. Aren’t you at work?”

  “And you?”

  “I phoned my boss this morning. I’ve taken a couple of weeks off.”

  “Sure you okay? Shout if you need help.”

  Like she would ask Ross to come here. At this time. No matter what happened… No, she’d call him in an emergency, but a few farm hassles weren’t an emergency.

  “Thanks.”

  He sent her a smiley face and a kiss. She touched the kiss and then her phone took her out to the main menu. If only that were a real kiss.

  From Dirk, of course.

  Her gran’s voice filtered through the house and all the farm noises. Her heart lurching, she ran inside and into the bedroom to find her sitting up, a smile on her face.

  “Gran, should you be sitting? Are you okay?”

  “Feeling much better today. Still sore, but this donut cushion helps. And all the extra cushions behind my back. Thank you so much for staying, and I’m sorry I’ve been so sleepy the last day.”

  Ella sat down on the end of the bed. “I think the medicine made you sleepy. I just gave you another dose this morning, though. Don’t think you even registered swallowing the pills.”

  She laughed. “I feel awake for now.”

  “Can I get you some lunch? Seeing you missed breakfast.”

  “I think I could get something down. Think I could wolf down a whole two platefuls.”

  “I’ll be right back, then.”

  She rushed down to make her gran something. Scrounging around in a mostly unfamiliar kitchen, she eventually found some tuna and lettuce. She made a tuna sandwich with mayonnaise and shredded lettuce inside. Then made a second and third one as the smell of food gave her appetite a jolt. Being out in the fresh air certainly built up her need for nourishment. She cut up a couple of oranges and made a pot of tea.

  Once everything was upstairs and her gran tucked in with a little less speed than she usually did and Ella followed suit, she felt satisfied.

  “So, what’s the real reason you don’t enjoy working with The Album?” her gran asked after she’d munched one and a half sandwiches and taken several sips of tea.

  “Real reason? I opened up. I told you everything. All my doubts.”

  “What else is getting you down?”

  Ella picked up a segment of orange and sank her teeth into it, giving herself time to come up with the right answer. The sweet, fruity juice ran down her throat and gave her the courage to speak. And her gran’s gentle enquiring gaze. “Ross—you know my friend? He’s fallen in love with me.”

  Gran cocked her head and merely blinked at her.

  “It’s confusing. I don’t want to lose our friendship but I don’t love him back.” She didn’t dare say she’d started to see him in a different way. Not yet. That didn’t mean love and she wasn’t ready to share her feelings with anyone until she’d processed them.

  “That’s pretty one-sided. Not a good idea.”

  “I know. I may have to say goodbye to our friendship. Forever.”

  “Well, if you plan on marrying one day, it wouldn’t be too good to have this close friendship with another man. You want to have that with your husband.”

  “I know.” She nodded, although she hadn’t really considered her Gran’s reasoning before. She’d always thought Ross and she would stay friends forever. If she wanted to find a man, she had to let go of Ross once and for all. Maybe that’s what had held her back all these years from finding the perfect man. Dirk could be it. If she let go of Ross, things with Dirk could snowball.

  “Pity you can’t use The Album on yourself.”

  “Yes, it’s a pity. I’ve struggled with that a little.”

  “Would you want to pass it on? So you could at least use it? Seeing you’re so disillusioned with it.”

  Ella popped another piece of orange in her mouth and closed her eyes, savouring the tangy taste. She chewed and swallowed. “I don’t know. I’m so tired but the thought of giving it up for now… I just can’t do it yet. You gave it to me. You entrusted me with it.”

  Gran shook her head. “I meant it to bring you peace and direction.”

  “What do you mean, Gran?”

  “I had a lot of troubles with love when I was your age. Could never seem to settle my heart.”

  She questioned her gran with her gaze, waiting for the full story.

  Gran shuffled a bit in her seat and then smiled. “I thought I loved several men but then each relationship ended in disaster. In those days, people thought I was a loose woman, a whore, as they call it nowadays, because I dated around. In the space of five years, I’d dated eight men. We lived in Durban until I married your grandfather. It wasn’t the thriving metropolis it is now and people in my area knew what I got up to. Mom and Dad were understanding because they were familiar with each situation but people who didn’t know me well thought I liked to sleep around and use men. It hurt. But I think what hurt more was that I couldn’t find anyone. I would have loved The Album. I don’t know why my grandmother didn’t offer to use it on me. She only let the local people use it. Maybe for the same reason you don’t use it on your friends.”

  Ella nodded. It was a very good reason. “So, you found Grandpa eventually?”

  Gran frowned and lifted up her hand. “No, he found me. I didn’t want him. And I fought him off. Eventually, he kissed me, and well, the rest is history.”

  Ella knew that Gran had been forced to get married because she got pregnant. She often wondered how it had affected her marriage to Grandpa but they’d seemed happy together.

  “I don’t regret marrying your grandpa. I loved him. I regret taking so long to settle with someone and put my heart at rest. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I’d gone on a date with him years before when he’d first asked me.”

  “Oh, I didn’t know that.”

  “Yes, your grandpa always loved me. In school, I was his crush and I didn’t even know it. Then he asked me to the school dance and I said no. I already had a date with handsome Edward Finny. That guy was as tall as the doorframe and had muscles like the farmers out on the fields. Every girl envied me.”

  Ella smiled. She loved hearing the elderly woman’s ancient stories. They were nostalgic, real, touching. Gran picked up her orange and sucked on the juicy fruit.

  Should she ask her gran a question that would bring up that she’d married her husband out of necessity? She didn’t want to disrespect her but so longed to know something.

  Looking at the woman before her, she realised this may be her last chance before she went sleepy again or she had to go out and attend to something in the farm. “So, did you love Grandpa when you first married him?”

  Gran shook her head but showed no hurt. “I didn’t. Not at first. Well, put it this way, I did a bit but it grew on me. Once we lived together, I saw what a fantastic man I’d married. I couldn’t believe my luck. We went through some really tough times with his business falling to pieces when I had small babies. I hated him sometimes. He was grumpy and cold and busy at times. But then, I decided to love him
anyway. And it got better. Not to say it was purely my doing. He grew more patient with age. We both did.”

  “That’s so romantic.” Ella wondered if it would have gone better for her gran if she’d found someone else. But then, what about all those years looking for someone? Like her—looking and looking but never finding this elusive Mr. Right.

  “I would have loved The Album for another reason,” Gran said. “It would have restored my faith in humanity. I’d been with so many bad men, I didn’t think there were any good ones around. Grandpa restored my faith, but it took years for me to finally come round. Years of struggles. I wish I hadn’t waited so long.”

  “But what if Grandpa had ended up a monster?” Ella’s face heated. “I’m not saying he was, but you didn’t know when you married him.”

  “I sort of knew him beforehand. I mean, we’d only dated six months, but I knew him a bit from around school. I always thought he was a wholesome type, but there weren’t any fireworks.”

  Ella bit her lip. Sounded a bit like her feelings for Ross.

  “Those fireworks came in time. A slow burn, yes, but the slow ones are sometimes the hottest.” Gran gave her a cheeky grin and Ella laughed.

  “What about my mom? What happened with her and Dad?”

  Grandma yawned. She probably would drop off soon. “I probably know as much as you. Claire didn’t tell me much. She likes everything just so. She prefers predictability. I think it’s part of seeing how my mistake had affected my life and how marrying your dad wasn’t her best decision.” Gran reached out to her with a shaky hand. “Except for you, of course.”

  Ella smiled. She couldn’t get offended with the elderly lady.

  “You remember how Mom and I clashed so much when I was younger?”

  Gran nodded. “I hated it. But what could I do? It’s better now, hey?”

  Ella nodded. “Much. I kind of understand her. We’re very similar. I’m glad she taught me to be sane and sensible because I can get a little idealistic and keep my head in the clouds.”

  Gran shook her head but said nothing. Ella frowned and considered asking why she disagreed, but another yawn and her eyelids hanging at half-mast told her it was time to leave.

  She came up to her and hugged her, blinking back the tears. “I love you. Thank you for wanting to help me.”

  Gran shook her head and took her hand as if to tell her not to leave yet. “I don’t know if I have helped you. I shouldn’t have assumed that because I think The Album would have helped me, it would be the right thing for you.”

  Her eyes betrayed regret.

  Ella felt bad. “Well, I’ve always liked matchmaking.”

  Gran nodded, her eyes bright.

  “Maybe all I need is to set some boundaries with the business. Only run it on Saturdays so at least I have Sundays to rest. Limit how many clients I take on. I don’t really need the extra money.”

  “That should help.”

  “Then I’ll see it as more fun and less of a burden.”

  “And Ross?”

  “Well, I’ll have to tell him that it needs to end now. I can’t hang onto him any longer. It’s not going to work, is it?” She studied her Gran’s gaze for answers.

  The woman shrugged. “I can’t tell you that. Only you know what’s in your heart. I messed up too many times to give you good advice.”

  “Granny, you didn’t mess up. Look at the beautiful family you brought up with Grandpa. You must miss him?”

  “Every day.” She shifted with a strained expression.

  “I think you should lie down a bit.” Ella stood up to take the tray off her lap. “I’ll leave you to rest. Please call me if you need anything. Your voice is so strong, I heard it from the field.”

  Gran smiled and moved slowly and painfully down onto her back. She closed her eyes and sighed and dropped off to sleep almost immediately. Ella wanted to squeeze her hard but left, pleased she’d eaten a good meal and they’d talked about some really interesting stuff.