Throwback

by Zeia Jameson

  We stopped at my stoop. And even though there was a brief moment of silence between us, there was still no awkwardness. It was more like we were both just taking it all in and savoring the moment. We were facing each other and although I was cherishing every second, my mind was racing about what would happen next, in between this moment and the moment we said goodnight to each other and I closed my front door behind me.

  Jeremy, still holding my hand and facing me, grabbed my other hand. My legs began to feel gelatinous. He smiled and even in the dark, I could see the sparkle in his blue eyes.

  “Livy,” he said, and I think I began holding my breath.

  My mind was still racing. My heart was pounding and my legs were melting. All more things to consider when I’m trying to fall asleep tonight.

  “I don’t know about you but I had such a great time tonight,” he said.

  Still holding breath. Heart still pounding. Legs disintegrating.

  “I really like you, Livy. When I’m around you I feel like no one else exists. Nothing else exists. It’s hard to really put into words how you make me feel because it’s so new to me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. When I’m away from you, you are all I think about. But not in a lusty, I wanna jump your bones kind of way.”

  That was blunt.

  “I mean, not that I don’t want to jump your bones because you are fucking sexy as hell.”

  Holding. Pounding. Jell-O.

  His brazenness was turning me on and at that moment, I began tingling.

  “But what I think about most is your laugh and your hair and the way it smells like peaches. I think about how hilarious you are and how I could talk to you for days without thinking about doing anything else. I think about how hard you work and study and I definitely think about how glad I was to have walked into your bar that day to get to witness you dragging a guy by his ear out the door because you were tired of his shit.”

  Holding. Pounding. Jell-O. Tingling.

  I think I smiled but I’m really not sure. It was hard to move but I drank in every word he said. No one had ever said anything like that to me before. Telling me what he likes about me that doesn’t include comments about my plump ass or my nice tits. Telling me that he noticed my hard work and my sense of humor. That he liked ME and not just my body, although I can’t say I didn’t like him calling me sexy. Hundreds of men, and boys thinking they were men, had called me sexy in my lifetime and I had always scoffed at that sentiment. But the word sexy coming from Jeremy’s lips was well received by my ears as well as the rest of my body.

  “I really hope I get to spend more time with you, Livy. I’ll hang out with you every night after the bar closes if that’s all you want. But I really would love to take you out again.”

  I finally exhaled. My heart calmed but only just a little. My legs were surprisingly still solid and standing but they were buckled and I feared I could pass out at any minute. I half way thought about jumping up and wrapping my legs around his waist, and kissing him until we both had no air left in our bodies. But I didn’t.

  I squeezed his hands, “You can still come to the bar any night you’d like. I do enjoy the company.”

  I could tell he was getting nervous about what I was going to say next.

  I smiled a big toothy, dorky smile. I bowed my head and kicked my leg out a little like a school girl. All of my actions were strictly involuntary and I was surprised I could even speak correctly. I think I even batted my eyelashes a little bit. What the fuck?

  I took a deep breath to compose myself. “But I would also very much like to go out with you again, Jeremy.” I was being honest.

  I looked up at him, “I had so much fun. Thank you.”

  Then he smiled the big toothy, dorky grin. “I’m glad to hear you say that. And I am also very relieved that I can tell you are being honest because I can see it in your eyes.”

  I wasn’t sure how to respond to that but I didn’t have to. He leaned towards me and before I knew what was happening he kissed me.

  But not on the lips. He kissed me on the side of my face, near the corner of my left eye. It was a light peck that lasted less than a second. It was unexpected and caused me to exhale sharply. Jeremy pulled back, seemingly unaffected by my reaction. “Have a good night, Livy. I will see you tomorrow.” He released my hands and I instantly felt empty.

  “You too, Jeremy.”

  He turned and walked away. He looked back twice before he rounded the corner at the end of the street. I just stood there for a few moments—relishing the lingering feeling of his lips on my face. I finally headed up the stairs and was relieved that Sara was not awake because I didn’t think I could put into words the night I just had until I had time to process it for myself.

  In my bed, before I fell asleep was the first time I really truly fantasized about Jeremy being naked. As I was lying in bed trying to calm down enough to sleep, analyzing why Jeremy turned me into this strange acting girl I’d never met before, my thoughts kept drifting only to him. I guess I couldn’t really focus on why I acted as I did, because I didn’t really care all that much. All I could see in my mind was Jeremy. The things he said to me on our first date stole my heart. He didn’t want me just for my physical assets. He admired my mind and my strength and my determination. All the things he said he enjoyed about me switched on something carnal in me and all I could think of from that point on was Jeremy. Naked. With white hot lust in his eyes for no one but me.

  ~~~

  It’s been two weeks since the night Jeremy tapped on my heart and warmed it up. Before I met him I thought I was fine. I had school and a job I loved and I had Joe and Sara. I thought I was pretty complete. I had no idea what I was missing. It was something I’d never had so I didn’t know I was lacking. It was laughter and sincerity and…and…well, I don’t know. But what I do know is that I never knew how vacant my life was before I met Jeremy. My heart feels two times larger and I think the muscles in my face have strengthened three fold because of how much I’ve smiled lately. Even the regulars at the bar have taken notice. Some say I may have been replaced with an android because they didn’t recognize me with the new facial expressions I had.

  Sara told me once I had a resting bitch face and that it took quite a grand gesture to get me to smile.

  “But not anymore,” she teases. “Now you have a resting in love face”. I look at her and roll my eyes. She’s helping me clean up the apartment before she goes to work. Jeremy is coming over tonight and I’m going to cook him dinner. “I’m not in love Sara. I’ve only known him like a month.”

  “So what? You love him and it’s clear as day all over your face. There are no rules when it comes to who your heart decides to love.”

  “Sara, stop. I really do like him. But it’s not love. I can’t love him.”

  I’m lying through my teeth. I could love him. Maybe. But I don’t know how it could last. I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I don’t know what love feels like. I don’t know what it’s like to love someone unconditionally or have that from someone in return. Growing up, I was either looked at as being a burden or an object. Never as a person worthy of love. But I moved on from that, and until I met Jeremy, I thought I was ok. As it turns out, I was really just a shell that was methodically wandering through life. I thought I had exactly what I wanted but I realize now that I was merely complacent.

  Now there’s Jeremy and I really don’t know if what my heart feels is love or just elation that someone has come into my life for once that brings me what I can only describe as authentic joy. Whatever it is, I am absolutely terrified. I’m terrified I’m going to lose him but I’m also terrified about a future with him. There’s no marriage or children in my future—I decided that a long time ago—and if whatever this is between us goes further I’m going to have to tell him that.

  “It’s not up to you who you love,” Sara interrupts my thoughts “And whatever you are thinking right now, stop. You are over analyzing something. I
can see it all in your face. Just have fun with your handsome man and go where it goes. I don’t know what screwed up your head in your past but you are a good person, Livy. You are good to me and good to Joe. You deserve to be happy and if that boy makes you happy just let him do it. Everything else will fall into place. I promise.”

  I nod at her. Sometimes I wonder if she can read minds. Or if thinking about Jeremy is weakening my ability to hide my feelings.

  “Jeremy has gotten rid of your resting bitch face and that’s worth more than your weight in gold.” She points and winks at me.

  “Alright. I’m getting out of here unless you need anything else,” she states, walking towards the door.

  “I’m good. Thank you for helping.”

  “Of course! Have fun tonight. And stay out of my room.”

  “But your sheets are so soft.” I wink.

  “I’ll buy you a set of your own for Christmas. “

  “Seriously, you really have nothing to worry about,” I say. “After what I’ve heard going on in there, I’m not setting foot in your hanky-panky room.”

  “Good to know. See you later.”

  ~~~

  As I’m dicing tomatoes, I hear a knock at the door. I nearly slice off my finger because my heart starts pounding and my breath hitches.

  He’s here.

  I run to the door but compose myself before I check the peephole and open the door.

  “Hi,” he says and smiles. He has flowers. It’s a mixture of flowers, but I couldn’t even begin to tell you what kind they were.

  “Hey. Come in.” I can’t. Stop. Smiling.

  “I brought you these. I don’t know if you like flowers but my mother says you can never go wrong with flowers.”

  He talks about his mom a lot. They are so close. I try not to let my disdain for Nancy show when he talks about his mom but it stings a little every time.

  I take the flowers from him and smell them. “Thank you. They are beautiful. No one has ever given me flowers before.”

  He doesn’t respond but I can tell he wants to ask me something. I turn and head towards the kitchen to find a vase. I’m not even really sure how to tend to flowers. I put some water in the vase, remove the ribbon from the stems and place the flowers in the vase. Maybe Sara will know what to do with them.

  “How was your day?” he asks. I don’t know what it is about the simple little questions like that he asks but they mean so much. He is asking me to tell him something because he wants to listen. He wants to know.

  After I place the flowers on the dining table I wash my hands and resume with the tomatoes. “It was good. I went to the bar early this morning to do inventory and did shopping for dinner. It’s been sort of relaxing. How about your day?”

  “Do you need some help with anything?” he asks.

  “Um, sure. You can chop these veggies while I get the rest of dinner ready.”

  “Sure thing,” he says. “My day was good. We are finishing up a business office renovation and my boss said I might get a bonus for completing the project two weeks early.”

  I head to the utility closet and grab the bag of charcoal I bought today. I pass back through the kitchen to make my way to the patio and stop, “That is great! It sounds like your boss really appreciates you.”

  “Yes, I think he does.” He looks up at me. “Hey, what are you doing?”

  “Going to get the grill ready,” I explain. I want to ask him—doesn’t it seem obvious what I’m doing, given the charcoal and the direction I’m walking?—but I let it slide and stay silent.

  He seems perplexed. “Um, need any help with that?” Jeremy stops chopping and moves toward me.

  “No, I’ve got it thanks.” I slide open the patio door and walk toward the grill.

  He proceeds to follow me out the back door anyway. I pour the charcoal into the base of the grill and Jeremy is standing next to me with his arms crossed. He’s smiling.

  “Something funny?” I ask while lighting the coal.

  “No,” he chuckles and shifts his weight to the other leg, “What’s on the menu tonight, grill master?”

  “Steak. Filet.” I answer.

  “Sounds delicious,” he says.

  I smile and head back into the house now that the grill is started. He follows and returns to his chopping station. I check on the potatoes that are baking in the oven and pull out a bottle of wine from the pantry.

  “Hey. That’s the same wine from the restaurant we went to,” he says.

  “Yes, it is. It was so good. I’m not much of a wine person but I thought it would be good with dinner. I knew this label was a sure thing and I didn’t want to try to guess on anything else.”

  “Good plan. I’m not really a wine person either but you’re right. It’ll be good with filet. “

  I grab the steaks out of the fridge and unwrap them from the butcher paper.

  “You think the grill’s ready?” he asks. He’s not going to come out and say it, but he doesn’t think I can handle a grill.

  “No,” I reply, “It won’t be ready for another fifteen minutes or so. These have to sit and rest first. You shouldn’t put cold filets on a grill. It’ll make them tough.”

  Jeremy is looking at me funny. Like I have two noses or I’ve lost an eyeball. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” He smiles and lets out a tiny, breathy laugh “You surprise me every time we’re together. You bounce drunk guys out of your bar, you drink whiskey and your favorite thing to wear is jeans, which I very much appreciate by the way.”

  I blush. In twenty-one years, I think Jeremy is the only person that has ever gotten me to blush.

  “And now you are standing here, giving me pointers on how to prep a steak. I don’t know if I can handle any more of these surprises. Granted it’s all good stuff, but you just seem too good to be true.”

  Did he really just say that? I’m as ordinary as they come.

  “What else is there? Just lay it all out for me.”

  “But won’t that ruin the mystery?” I say jokingly.

  He doesn’t respond. He’s four feet away and looking straight into my eyes. He has a half smile and I have no idea what he’s thinking. I turn and walk over to the TV remote and hit the power button to turn on the flat screen that is hanging on my wall. Once the screen comes alive, I point to it and say, “This is my favorite channel.”

  He looks up at the TV and then back to me. Back to the TV. Back to me.

  “You’re fucking with me,” he says.

  I smile and shake my head no. “I watched SportsCenter this morning before I went to the bar. I’ve heard this is something most girls don’t like. At least according to Sara, who points it out to me every time I watch it in her presence,” I say, the last part a bit facetiously. “But I don’t know why you are so surprised about it. It’s always on at the bar.”

  “That’s because it’s a bar.”

  “No. It’s because I like to watch it.”

  He takes four large strides to reach me and stops. He’s so close to me I can see his pupils as they begin to dilate. I can hear my own heart pound in my ears. And maybe even his heart as well. He cups my face with his hands and grips my jaw. He pulls me in and kisses me. It’s forceful. His hand moves back and his fingers tangle with my hair. His lips are pressed hard against mine. It hurts but I’m enjoying every second. I drop the remote and my hands start at his neck and make their way into his hair. It’s so soft and I’ve imagined running my fingers through it a million times.

  It’s just as I envisioned.

  Better.

  Jeremy pulls me closer and our chests clash into each other. He moves one hand from my hair but keeps the other in place as if he’s afraid to let me go. His other hand makes a journey to my shoulder then my arm and my side and lands itself on my ass with a gentle squeeze.

  Oh dear God!

  His mouth and his taste and his hands are spinning me high. I don’t want this to end but if I don’t regain control I’m
going to rip his clothes off in one single movement. I clutch his hair and kiss him hard. He responds even harder. After this continues for what seems to be a lifetime, I place my hands gently on his chest and push. He resists and I nearly cave.

  Fuck dinner.

  But I push again and he releases me from his amazing death grip lip lock.

  I’m breathing so heavy that it’s making me light-headed. I’m hyperventilating over a kiss.

  “Well. Shit. If I’d had known ESPN was such a turn on for you, I’d have mentioned it sooner.”

  Jeremy smiles his beautiful smile. He brushes hair from my face. “You are the most gorgeous woman I have ever known.” He places his hand over my heart. “All the way through,” he finishes in a whisper. I’m glad he still has his arm wrapped around me cupping my butt cheek because if not I think I would have passed out and fell straight to the floor.

  With his hand on my chest I know he can feel my heart trying to push through my sternum.

  Deep breaths, Livy.

  I want to tell him thank you but I can’t manage to speak. I just stare into his crystal blues.

  “I hope you like me hanging around because I’m not going anywhere. You are one of a kind, Livy, and I want you all to myself.”

  Stay positive, Livy. Remember what Sara said. Have fun. Don’t dwell on negative.

  “I think I’m ok with that, Jeremy.” I smile.

  Stay in the moment.

  Jeremy hugs me. It’s a hug like the one from the bowling alley. He envelops me and I feel like it’s just him and me and nothing else exists.