Throwback

by Zeia Jameson

  I’m better than Nancy.

  Fuck yeah, I am.

  I turned on the TV and begin flipping through the channels again, still smiling. I remained that way until the sun came up. Then, I showered, got dressed and checked out of the hotel. I was in my car before nine o’clock. I knew where I had to go. I knew what I wanted to do. I set up the Garmin for the address I had written down in the planner that I kept in my purse.

  Destination: 350 miles

  Estimated time of travel: 5 hours, 16 minutes

  I was going to see my granddad.

  ~~~

  About three hours into the drive, I stopped to eat. I checked my phone. Still no calls. While I was eating, I began to get nervous about going to see my grandfather unannounced. I haven’t talked to him in a few weeks.

  Ever since Jeremy found him, my grandfather and I had really taken the time to get to know each other. I visited him as much as I could and he did the same.

  To this day, I still can’t believe that Jeremy found him. Jeremy did that for me.

  But that was old Jeremy. New Jeremy is not the same thoughtful, attentive man I knew back then. New Jeremy is work hungry and career oriented.

  I haven’t talked to my grandfather in a few weeks so I begin to wonder if he’ll even be home when I get there. It’s a Thursday. Did he work on Thursdays? I couldn’t remember.

  I shouldn’t have done this. I’m being too spontaneous.

  I finished my meal and head back out to the car. For a second I thought I should just turn around and go home. I should have called first. Maybe I should call and plan to go another day. But I remembered I had a reason I wanted to go see him. And since I was taking a sabbatical from my life, I should take the opportunity to make the journey.

  I continued to follow the GPS directions that were being dispensed to me.

  ~~~

  Two hours and some change later, I am standing on my granddad’s front porch. His car is in the driveway, so I assume he must be home. I rang the doorbell and waited. My granddad opens the door. “Livy! Oh my goodness what a pleasant surprise! Come in, my dear. Come in!”

  I walked over the threshold and he wraps me up in his arms. “What brings you all the way out here? Why didn’t you bring that beautiful great-granddaughter of mine?”

  With my face still pressed up against his chest as the result of the hug, I began to cry. I had come to see my grandfather to talk about Nancy and lift those demons from my soul. They stuck to me like tarred feathers and no matter how hard I had tried, I could not get rid of them. But that morning, when I thought of how much different I really was from Nancy, I thought maybe I could go to my grandfather and he could help me get rid of them once and for all. I went there strong but immediately turned to mush the moment he hugged me.

  “Oh my dear, Livy. What has gotten you so upset? Is everything ok with Amelia and Jeremy?”

  We stand there for a moment before I respond. “Everything is so screwed up. Jeremy...he...and I...I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

  “Shhh, calm down. It’s ok. It’s ok. Let’s go sit.” We go to the living room and I sit in the first spot I find, on a chair by a window.

  “Do you want something to drink? Tea? Water?”

  “Got any bourbon?” I just needed to take the edge off. Nothing like the night before.

  “I’ve got scotch.”

  “Perfect. No ice.”

  Moments later, he brings me a glass and I take a sip. I lean my head against the back of the chair and look up at the ceiling. “Everything is so fucked up.” I cover my mouth with my hand and immediately look over to my granddad. I’m not sure if I’ve ever cursed in front of him before. Jesus.

  “It’s ok, Livy,” he says. “You are obviously spun up about something. A little foul language is bound to happen. Can you tell me what is going on?”

  I exhale, sip on my scotch again and begin to tell him everything. I even mention the way I don’t feel attractive anymore and mine and Jeremy’s pitiful excuse of a sex life. I figured if I was putting it all out there, I may as well be honest. After about an hour of talking, I had an empty glass and a grandfather sitting across from me with a very strange look on his face. He gets up and walks over to a piano that he has in the corner of his living room. He grabs a framed picture that is sitting on top of it. He then turns and walks my way and hands me the picture.

  “Your grandmother was so lovely. The love of my life. We were only married eighteen years before she passed away. Your mother was fifteen when her mother died. I believe that is what started the uncontrollable snow ball that became your mother’s life.”

  All the times he and I had spoken, he had never mentioned my grandmother. And I don’t really know why, but I had failed to ask. I look down at the black and white picture of a woman who looks insanely similar to...me.

  “You are the spitting image of her, Livy. It baffles me. I guess your mother had more me in her because she never really looked like her mother. But you? You are your grandmother right down to those piercing green eyes. And boy was she a pistol, just like you. When she was determined to do something, she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She was stubborn as a mule but that is what I loved most about her.” There is a gleam in his eye. A tear, perhaps.

  “My point, Livy, is this. Jeremy is one of the good ones. I can tell. It honestly just sounds to me that you two need to work on communication. And it has to start with you. You can’t just bottle it all up, spit it out to him all at once and just leave. It doesn’t work like that. You talk about it. Argue about it if you have to but you do it together until you have a compromise. You have to respect one another and also understand that both of you are human and not perfect. If you don’t keep that in focus, you’ll lose each other before you know what hit you. Go back to him. Talk to him. Figure it out with him. Jeremy is a blessing to you. All of the mess that your mother put you through, I don’t even know the half of it, I’m sure, but I know it was not pleasant growing up with her. And you were lucky enough to find Jeremy. He is a good one and he loves you. I see it in his eyes. He looks at you the way I used to look at your grandmother. You have to go home and make this right because you never know when one of you will lose the other for good.” He points at the picture.

  I look up at him and nod, “You’re right.”

  At that moment, I felt more like a selfish idiot than I had through this entire ordeal. I would be devastated if something happened to Jeremy and I never got to see him again. And that feeling, the despair I know I would have if I ever lost him, overshadows and is heavier than anything else that I’ve felt in the past few days. I have to go home and make this right.

  It was getting late so I decided to stay the night. Still no phone calls.

  I got up the next morning and had breakfast with my granddad before getting back on the road.

  I am going to go home, talk to my husband, and we are going to fix this.

  ***

  34

  Jeremy

  Friday

  “Peek-a-boo.” My hands fan out and I uncover my face. Amelia giggles. I cover my face again and repeat: “Peek-a-boo.” She giggles again. Peek-a-boo seems to be a popular game with her.

  It’s Friday. Livy has been gone since Tuesday evening. I haven’t heard from her. The only reason I know she’s not dead in a ditch somewhere is because Maxwell called me last night and said she was there.

  She had told him everything that was going on, in her mind at least, and he had convinced her that she needed to come home.

  Livy is coming home today.

  I should be overjoyed. I should be thinking about how much I’ve missed my wife who has been gone for four days.

  I should be. But I’m not.

  Instead, I’m angry. I’m angry because Livy left. She just left. She left me and she left Amelia with no regard to how this would affect either of us.

  Since I got home on Wednesday, I’ve been trying to juggle Amelia and work. That has not been an e
asy task.

  There was still paperwork to be signed and plans to be drawn up on the new project in Chicago, not to mention the project we were wrapping up here. I had inspections and walk-throughs to do. I had to postpone two appointments that were critical to closing this project. Mom has come over to help some, but she still works too and can’t be here as much as I need her.

  But Livy is coming home today. I don’t feel any real happiness about that fact. I feel relief that I’ll be able to go back to work. But other than that, I genuinely have no other positive feeling about Livy coming home.

  The woman I love walked out on me three nights ago, and I wasn’t even here to witness it. I’m not sure who is going to come walking through that door.

  Just as I’m deep in thought while playing peek-a-boo with Amelia, I hear the deadbolt turn. Livy is here. I pick up Amelia and head toward the front door. Livy comes through the door and looks at me. “Hi.”

  “Hi,” I reply.

  Amelia reaches for her and Livy takes her from me. Just like that. It’s as if she was never gone. At least according to Amelia, anyway. “Hi, sweet baby,” Livy says and kisses Amelia’s face. Amelia giggles.

  Livy looks back at me. “How are you guys?” I look back at her and slowly say, “We’re...fine.”

  Livy has a smile on her face. A smile I haven’t seen in a really long time. A genuine grin. It should make me happy. I should feel happy that my wife is happy after months of seeming tired and run down. I should go over and hug her and tell her it’s good to see her smile. I should smile with her. We should smile together.

  But I don’t do any of those things. Instead, I say, with a frown, “Well, it seems as though you’ve had a lovely time away.”

  And instantly her smile disappears. “I was smiling because I was happy to see you. I was glad to be home because I wanted to talk to you and figure things out. But you’re obviously upset.”

  “You left, Livy. You’ve been gone for four days and you didn’t tell me where you were or when you were coming back...if you were coming back.”

  “Of course I was coming back. I told your mother.”

  “Yeah, you told her. But you didn’t tell me anything. Your husband. You just left.”

  “I had to. I felt like if I told you anything, you would convince me to stay. I had to leave. I had to.” Her voice is shaky.

  Definitely not smiling anymore. And I should feel bad that she is on the verge of tears. But, I don’t. I am angry. I am so angry that there is no room for any other emotion.

  Livy walks away, carrying Amelia into the living room and setting her on the floor. I follow her.

  “Why did you have to leave, Livy? Why did you have to?”

  “I don’t want to talk to you about this when you are angry, Jeremy.”

  “Well I don’t think I am going to not be angry anytime soon. Not until you tell me why you left.”

  My voice elevates to a higher decibel.

  “Jeremy, please don’t yell.”

  There is a knock at the door. It’s probably my mother. I asked her to come and get Amelia for the night so that I could get some answers from Livy without distraction. I open the door and the look on my mother’s face is apparently a direct response from the look on my face. I’m pissed. So pissed.

  “Is Amelia ready to go?” is all she says, still standing on the other side of the door.

  “Yep.” I turn and walk into Amelia’s room to grab her overnight things. Walking through the living room I say to Livy, “My mother is here to take Amelia for a sleepover.”

  “What?” Livy gets up and picks up Amelia and follows me to the front door. “What is going on?” she says. I don’t answer her.

  “I’m going to take Amelia for the night so you two can have some time...to yourselves.”

  Livy looks confused. She looks back and forth between mom and me. “How did you know I’d even be home today?” I don’t know why, but that question pisses me off even more. She has the audacity to ask a question like that?

  Does she not think we had the right to know where the hell she was?

  Mom leaves with Amelia.

  As soon as the door closes I ask Livy the same question I asked before: “Why did you leave, Livy? How could you just leave?”

  “Are you serious? Do you not remember what I said on Saturday? I’m not your slave, Jeremy. I’m not here to keep your house clean and cook you dinner every night or to raise our child alone. You made me a promise and you broke it just like I told you that you would. I can’t take it anymore. I feel like you don’t appreciate what I do every day. You think Amelia and I just sit around and laugh and have fun all the time while you have to go to work and do your hard, tiring stressful job. But here’s the reality. My brain is turning to pulp because all I do all day is baby talk. Until Tuesday, I hadn’t read a book above toddler reading level in months. I never see you. Amelia never sees you. And also until Tuesday, I hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep in at least a year. And the only reason I did sleep was because I was assisted by half a bottle of whiskey. “

  “What?”

  “I checked into a hotel room because I wanted to be alone. I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. So I went and bought a bottle of Jim Beam and drank half of it before I passed out.”

  “Livy! Are you fucking kidding me? What if something had happened to you? I would have had no idea where you were!”

  “Relax, I’m fine. I went to Maxwell. We had a good talk and it made me feel better. And I was going to tell you all of that until I walked through the door and was greeted by your attitude.”

  “Attitude? You fucking left!” I’m yelling now. And I don’t intend to stop. There is no baby in the vicinity and I’m angry as hell. “You don’t just leave! Why didn’t you tell me you felt this way? You promised me that you would talk to me if you ever felt overwhelmed or sad or whatever the fuck it is you are feeling right now.”

  “Oh, so now I promised?” she interrupts, also yelling, “I broke a promise and it’s the end of the world but I tell you the same thing and you act like I’m fucking crazy! And I guess since you decided to break your promise to me I figured what was the point? And I haven’t had an opportunity to tell you because you are NEV-ER FUCK-ING HERE!”

  “Jesus Christ, Livy. How many times do I have to tell you that I’m working on being home more?”

  “I don’t know, Jeremy, how many? Because you’ve been saying that shit since before Amelia was born! After a while hearing you say that gets old.”

  “Why didn’t you say something Saturday morning? I was here.”

  “I don’t know! It was 4am! I was tired! And I was just trying to tough it out because your project at work was almost over. I thought if I just toughed it out, I would get my husband back and we’d be ok. But then you left for Chicago and I knew that it was all bullshit!”

  “Bullshit? It wasn’t bullshit! I’ve been training people to do what I do so that I don’t have to work so much. I even have a team in place for Chicago. I’ll only have to go back like twice! Why do you assume the worst about me, Livy? I thought you knew me better than that.”

  “I don’t think I know you anymore at all! You are never here!”

  “Stop saying that!”

  “It’s the truth!”

  “But not because I don’t want to be! I’m working hard now so I can spend time with you and Amelia later. When she’s bigger. When you need me more.”

  Livy opens her mouth to speak, but before she does, she looks at me like I suddenly have an alien coming out of my face somewhere. “What the fuck? Need you MORE? I need you now! She needs you NOW!”

  “She doesn’t even know that I’m not here!”

  “Like hell she does! She cries for you all of the time! And I need you, dammit! I’m fucking stretched thin! So fucking thin! I’m trying to do everything right and I don’t know if I am. I don’t know how to be a mother, Jeremy, but I’m doing my best! I hate asking your mom because she makes me feel guilty that
I’m not perfect like her. Not on purpose, but I still feel it all the same. I need you! Amelia needs you!”

  “She cries for me?”

  “Oh fucking hell! Is that all you just heard? What is the point? You aren’t even fucking listening.”

  “Jesus, Livy! Why are you being such a b—” I stop. My brain is thinking it, but I don’t want to say it out loud. I don’t want to call my wife a bitch. I’m pissed but I know name calling is pointless. But it’s too late. I said enough for her to piece it together. When Livy realizes what I was about to say, she’s shocked and she scoffs.

  “A bitch? That’s what you think of me right now? You think I’m being a bitch? “

  She’s talking low and calm and that is deadly. I really need to diffuse this situation but I don’t know that I can. Plus I’m still just too angry to even really care. I want her to apologize or admit that she was wrong to just leave. If I ever did something like that she would have murdered me.

  “I am raising a child on my own. You have no idea how difficult that is. You have no clue. And you want to just step in later and do the easy shit? When there’s no dirty diapers or middle of the night temper tantrums or giving her a bath just to have her pee all over herself, and me, moments later when I’m struggling to get her dressed? And you are going to stand there and call me a bitch? I left because I needed a break. I needed to be alone. When I walked through that door I felt better. I was going to apologize and tell you how I felt. But you didn’t even give me a chance. You instantly came at me with anger and you think I’m being a bitch? You are different, Jeremy. I don’t know why, but you are. You are so distant. Literally and emotionally. The last time we had sex it was like I was only there for your pleasure. You didn’t even try to get me off. I just feel like you care less and less about me every day. And thirty minutes ago I wanted to try to make it right. Figure out what’s wrong. But you know what? Now? Now, I could give a fuck.”