by Lou Mindar
September 1995
Melanie was all smiles when she walked into the house and saw her kids and parents. She had only been gone a month, but she looked like a different person. She had lost weight and her skin looked healthy. She had an energy that had been missing a long time.
“It’s so good to see you.” She gave both kids a big hug, then she hugged her parents. “I missed you guys.”
“Melanie, you look so good,” Rita said. “Doesn’t she, Bob?”
“You do, honey,” Bob said. “Welcome home.”
“Scott, could you take my bags up to the bedroom? I’d like to visit for a while.”
Scott nodded and took the bags upstairs. Melanie’s request had been the first words she had spoken to her husband since he picked her up in Arizona. She made it clear that, despite a month passing, she was no happier with him than she had been before she went to rehab.
When her parents left, Melanie put the kids to bed, talking and laughing before lights out. It was good to see her spending time with the kids.
Scott was watching TV when Melanie came downstairs after putting the kids to bed. “I want to talk to you about something,” she said.
Scott muted the TV and turned toward her. He thought she’d sit, but instead she remained standing.
“I’m going to have a gym built in the basement, next to the kid’s playroom,” she said. “I know what equipment I want, and Dad gave me the name of a contractor friend who can build it for me.”
Scott was a little surprised with Melanie. In the past, they had talked things through, discussed them before making a decision. He wasn’t crazy about the way she was going about it, but it wasn’t worth arguing over. If she wanted a gym in the basement, that was fine with him. In fact, maybe he could even offer some help.
“If you want, I could talk to a few contractors, get bids.”
“I don’t need your help, and I really don’t want to discuss it. I just wanted you to know what I was doing.”
“I didn’t mean. . .”
“I’m going to bed.” Melanie turned and went upstairs.
*
Scott said goodbye to the kids, and then Melanie was back on the phone. He was out-of-town for work, but it was his habit to talk to the kids each night before they went to bed. For some time, he had wanted to talk to Melanie about the state of their marriage, but the time never seemed right. Tonight, the time seemed right, or, at least, as right as it would ever be.
He heard Melanie take the phone from Robbie. “Are you done talking to the kids?” Melanie asked.
“I am, but I want to talk to you for a second.”
“About what?”
“About us,” Scott said. “What is going on with us? Ever since you came back from Arizona there has been a wall between us. We don’t talk. We don’t do anything together. You constantly do your best to avoid me.”
Melanie said nothing. Scott only knew she was still there due to her breathing. Eventually, she said, “I don’t want to be married anymore.”
Scott swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “You want a divorce?”
“Not right away,” Melanie said. “Not until the kids are out of high school.”
Allie wouldn’t be graduating for another nine or ten years. Scott wanted to ask what they were supposed to do until then, but he didn’t. “What happened, Mel? We used to be in love. You used to love me. What happened?”
“The last ten years happened,” Melanie said.
“What does that mean?”
“It means you made me give up a career I loved so I could stay home and keep your house. It means you turned the kids against me for years, and I’m just now starting to build back our relationship. It means you went out and drank right beside me, then convinced our friends and family that I had a drinking problem. You did all of these things to me, and now you wonder why I don’t love you?”
Scott wanted to fight back against Melanie’s warped version of their life together. Sure, he wanted her to give up her job, but when she did, it was her decision, not his. He never tried to turn the kids against her. She did that herself. And to blame him for her drinking problems was beyond the pale. But he knew it wouldn’t do any good to say anything.
“I have to go tuck the kids in,” Melanie said, then the line went dead.
Scott hung up the phone. He felt unjustly accused, but he wasn’t interested in being defensive. He put himself in Melanie’s shoes. What could he do to change her mind, to get her committed to the marriage again? Defending himself wouldn’t do it. Even though he felt Melanie’s accusations were wrong, he was more concerned with making things right between them than in winning an argument. That was what he needed to concentrate on now.
Chapter 32
April 1996
Melanie was at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee when Scott came downstairs. She looked up as he entered the kitchen, then her eyes went back to her cup of coffee. She didn’t look up again until Scott sat at the table with her.
“Aren’t you going to be late for work?” she asked.
“I own the place,” he said. “I can get there whenever I want.”
Melanie cracked a slight smile.
“I’ve been thinking,” Scott said. “Now that the kids are a little older, maybe you should go back to work. I mean, if you want to.”
Melanie looked up and tilted her head like a curious dog. She sipped her coffee. “It’s too late,” she said. “The insurance business has passed me by. And I’m too old to start over.”
“I’m not sure that’s true. I think you’d pick things up again pretty quickly if you got another insurance job, but even if you are right, you could always do something else.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know,” Scott said. “What would you want to do? What would make you happy?”
Melanie shook her head. “Aren’t you the guy who wanted me to stay home?”
“I wanted you to stay home before we had kids because I thought you’d be happier. But if going back to work is what will make you happy now, then I think you should do that.”
“Really?” Melanie smiled, then caught herself and looked away. “I’ll think about it.”
“If you want to talk about it later, we can.” Scott stood. “Time to go to work.”
He kissed her on the cheek, then turned and walked out.
*
Melanie was in the kitchen putting away groceries when Scott came home from work. “You’re home early,” she said. “Anything wrong?
“No, I was done for the day, so I came home.”
Melanie stopped putting the groceries away and faced Scott.
“I want to ask you something,” she said. “When I went to the grocery store, Allie insisted on coming with. She said she wanted to spend time with me. When I asked her what had prompted her sudden interest in going grocery shopping with me, she said that you and she had talked about it, and you had encouraged her to spend more time with me. Is that true?”
“We had a talk,” Scott said. “But it was Allie who said she wanted to spend more time with you. I just said I thought it was a good idea.”
Melanie put her hands on her hips and stared at Scott. She bit her lip. “Thank you, Scott. Really, thank you.”
Scott wanted to walk across the kitchen, take Melanie in his arms, and give her a deep, passionate kiss. But he knew that she wasn’t ready for that, not yet. In lieu of speaking, he nodded.
Melanie turned away. “Dinner will be ready soon,” she said.
*
Scott grabbed a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen table with his wife.
“Is this our new routine?” Melanie asked.
“Maybe,” Scott said. “I kind of like it.”
Melanie smiled. “I was thinking about what we talked about yesterday, about me going back to work. There is something I’d like to do.”
Scott took a sip of his coffee. “What’s that?”
“I’d like to become a personal trainer.” Me
lanie cleared her throat. “I know being a personal trainer doesn’t even require a college degree, and I wouldn’t be using any of my previous experience. I know, it seems frivolous, but it’s the only thing that really interests me.”
“I think you’d be a great personal trainer,” he said. “If that’s what you want to do, I think you should.”
Melanie’s eye grew wide, then she smiled. “I’d have to get certified first,” she said. “And that’s going to take some time.”
“Whatever it is you need to do, you should do it,” Scott said.
“I think I will.”
Scott stood. “I like these morning talks with you. Maybe this should be our new routine.” He bent to kiss Melanie on the cheek, but she turned and kissed him on the lips.
“Have a good day.”
*
Scott and Melanie stood outside the theater with Randy and Carla. They had gone out for pizza earlier in the evening and had just finished watching a movie.
“This was a lot of fun,” Carla said. “We should do this more often.”
“It’s been too long,” Scott said.
They said their goodbyes and walked to their respective vehicles. On the way, Melanie threaded her arm through Scott’s.
At home, Scott brushed his teeth and got into bed. When Melanie finished getting ready, she joined Scott in the bedroom. He was sitting up, and he watched his wife as she exited the bathroom.
“What are you doing,” she asked.
“Waiting for you.”
Melanie climbed into bed and turned off the light. She rolled over toward him and put her hand on his chest. “Why have you been so nice to me lately?” she asked.
“Because you’re my wife.”
She moved her hand down his chest and across his stomach. “I guess that’s a good reason,” she said.
Chapter 33
June 1998
Scott hadn’t planned on coming home early from work. But when a meeting fell through, he took advantage of the situation and went home to see his wife. She wasn’t home. Then Scott remembered, Melanie was at the gym. She had been going three times a week to work on her personal trainer certification.
He looked around for something to do. He could look for hidden booze, but Melanie had been very health conscious since her return from Arizona, working out regularly and eating right. Scott thought she looked as good as he had ever seen her. More than that, he wanted to trust her. He wanted to believe things were better.
She had also been great with the kids, cooking together, shopping, and at night, reading together. Most surprisingly, she had been loving toward Scott. True, she was distant, even dismissive, of him when she returned from rehab, but little by little, she had come around. Now, things were almost the way Scott wanted them. Almost, but not quite. Melanie still held back. There was a distance between them. Melanie acted like a good, loving wife most of the time, but she refused to give her all to her husband and their marriage. And that refusal ate at Scott.
Maybe he could return to work. But more than anything, he wanted a nap. He rarely allowed himself such a luxury, and he felt a little guilty for doing it now. Screw it. A nap would do him good.
Upstairs, he found the bed freshly made. That was something new that Melanie had started doing after her stay in rehab. There was a certain discipline to it that Melanie liked, or needed. There was a book on the bed. Scott went to move it to the bedside table, and an envelope fell onto the bed. He picked it up. The envelope was unsealed and was addressed to Dave Coleman in Tucson, Arizona. Inside was a handwritten letter. He knew he shouldn’t read it, but who the hell was Dave Coleman and why was his wife writing to him?
The first part of the letter was about Melanie’s efforts to stay sober. She said that the exercise helped her body stay healthy, but it was the thought of losing her children that kept her mind away from drinking. He always wondered how she felt about being sober, but he never thought it appropriate to ask.
Later in the letter, Melanie talked about Scott.
“Scott has been so sweet and supportive. This is a side to him I really didn’t see before I went through rehab. He has encouraged me to become a personal trainer and has built me up in the eyes of the kids. He wants so badly to have a good, happy marriage. God knows I try my best, but that ship has sailed. I won’t divorce him, at least not now when the kids are still in school, but I can never love him, not the way he wants and needs to be loved. But I’ll do my best to give my kids a good, comfortable home life, and I’ll do what I can to be a good wife to Scott. I know it’s not what he wants, but it’s the best I can do.”
She signed the letter, “Stay clean and sober (or else).” Why was she telling her friend all these things she’d never told him?
Scott stared at the letter and felt sick to his stomach. Why couldn’t his wife, the woman he loved, love him in return? What had happened to them? He wanted to ask her. He wanted to drive to the gym and beg her. He wanted the impossible.
He placed the letter back in the envelope and returned it to the book. He thought about talking to her when she came home but what was the point of trying to convince her that she should love him? Winning an argument wasn’t how you convinced someone to love you. You can’t convince someone to love you any more than you can convince them to grow a third arm. All the arguing and debating in the world couldn’t change that.
When Melanie got home, he couldn’t help himself. The letter had eaten away at him ever since he read it. “There’s something I want to talk to you about.” Scott’s brow was furrowed.
“Sure, what’s up?”
Scott struggled for the words, finding only benign ones. He sighed. “What do you think about all of us going out for dinner tonight?”
Chapter 34
October 2004
When they got home after dinner, the kids went to their rooms, and Scott sat in the living room reading a book.
“Did you have a good time?” Melanie asked. They had gone to Rossino’s for pizza to celebrate Scott’s forty-fourth birthday, which was the next day. On his birthday, Melanie had planned a night out with Randy and Carla. Scott wasn’t sure what to expect. He wanted to be around the following day, but he feared that history would repeat itself and his dad would once again visit him in a dream, sending him back to start life over again.
“I did.” Scott looked at his wife and thought about their early days together. He had expected that their marriage would be better than what he had with Kathy, but it didn’t turn out that way. No matter what he did, he couldn’t get Melanie to love him. Since she got sober, Melanie had been a wonderful mother to their children, and she had been a good companion to him. But she had not been a loving, committed wife, the thing he most wanted from her.
“I’m going to go to bed,” Melanie said. “Are you coming?”
“I’ll be up soon. I want to read a little more.”
Melanie nodded and turned to head upstairs.
“Mel, I love you,” he said. “I always have.”
Melanie smiled, but there was sadness in her eyes. “I’ll see you upstairs.”
Scott didn’t want to fall asleep for fear he’d wake up in another place, another time. He wanted to stay and fix his marriage. He wanted to fix his life. Even more, he wanted to stay with his kids.
He tried reading a book, but after just a few words his eyes grew heavy. He put the book down and turned on more lights. It was bright in the living room now. He turned on the TV and watched a news program, and then a movie about World War II. When the movie ended, he turned off the TV and walked around the room. Despite his best efforts, his body craved sleep. He stretched, thrusting his hands toward the ceiling, and then ran in place for a moment, trying to get his adrenaline going, but the effort just made him more tired.
He felt defeated. He sat back on the couch and thought again about the kids. They had been more of a joy to him than he could have imagined, and he didn’t want to leave them.
*
&nb
sp; Scott opened his eyes. He hadn’t even felt himself fall asleep. He was back in Central Park, sitting on a bench surrounded by clouds and bright light. His father emerged from the clouds, looking young and healthy.
Scott stood and approached his father. “Dad, please don’t make me go,” he pleaded. “I don’t want to lose the kids.”
His dad smiled and held up his hand. “Don’t worry,” he said. “Everything will be just fine.” His father sat on the bench and crossed his legs. He patted the bench seat. “Come sit.”
He did as his father asked.
“What did you think of your marriage to Melanie?” he asked. “Was it what you hoped it would be?”
Scott shook his head. “No. Melanie fell out of love with me, and I couldn’t figure out a way to get her to love me again. But if you’d give me another chance with her, I know I could make things better. I just need to work harder.”
“One person can never work hard enough to make up for another person who isn’t trying at all.”
His father put his hand on Scott’s shoulder, then stood. He smiled and the bright light engulfed him. Scott turned away from the bright light, and when he turned back, his dad was gone.
Life 3
Chapter 35
December 1984
S cott opened his eyes to find that he was no longer in the home he shared with Melanie. The apartment he was in was small and outdated, but familiar. There were dark-stained casements around the doors and windows, and the wood floor needed refinishing. This was the apartment he lived in during law school at the University of Chicago.
He unleashed a primal scream. “Nooo!”
Where were his kids? What had come of his life with Melanie? His family was gone, and he was left to start over.
He walked to the big picture window in the living room. The glass was fogged with condensation. He wiped it with the sleeve of his shirt and looked down on the Chicago winter. The roadway outside his apartment was wet, snow piled on either side of the street. The scene depressed him, fraying his emotions further.
