by Lou Mindar
His previous life was over, but where were Melanie and the kids? What had happened to them? When he left, did they cease to exist, vaporized into the ether? Or did they go on, just without him? Whatever the answer, it angered him. He had worked hard to build a business and a family, and now it was all gone. What had his efforts amounted to? No matter how much effort he expended or heartache he suffered, none of it matter.
The phone rang, and Scott turned toward the sound. His mind raced, trying to figure out what was going on at this point in his life. He was in law school. That much he knew. He had lived in this apartment all three years he was in law school, and for several months afterwards.
The phone rang again. The first few semesters of law school, he dated Holly James, an undergraduate. Was he dating her now? He was pretty sure it was Holly calling, but something in his gut told him not to answer.
The phone rang a third time. He stared at it. If this life was like the last, he was supposed to build a relationship with Holly. But he didn’t want to. He didn’t want a relationship with anyone. What was the point of investing in a relationship—building a family, a life—and in the end, it all just disappeared, all that effort wasted?
His answering machine kicked on. “Hi, you’ve reached Scott Thompson. At the tone, leave a message.”
The answering machine beeped, then a female left a message.
“Where are you? I was hoping you could come with me to pick up my cap and gown. I was even going to buy you lunch.” Holly paused. “We need to talk, Scott. We’ve put this off long enough.” She cleared her throat. “Okay, give me a call.”
Even though nearly two decades had passed, Scott still recognized Holly’s voice. She was about to graduate. She’d gotten a job in Florida and she wanted Scott to go with her. That was the conversation she wanted to have.
In his first life, Scott hadn’t gone with Holly. He still had a year-and-a-half of law school and wasn’t willing to quit to keep his relationship with her alive. He had said all the right things. They could see each other during school breaks and in the summer. They’d talk often. But once Holly moved, they never saw each other again.
He didn’t want to have that conversation a second time. He didn’t want to quit school to build a life with her, nor did he want to lie to her again about continuing the relationship when he knew it was doomed.
He sat on the bed and took stock of his situation. He was in law school but had no desire to be an attorney. In fact, he didn’t want to ever go into an office again. Between his life with Kathy and his life with Melanie, he had worked about forty years. He was done with long hours and the stresses that came with working a full-time job. He just wanted some peace, maybe a little fun.
Now was the time to make a change. The semester was over, so it was a logical time to quit law school. He had some money in the bank earmarked for the next semester’s tuition. He could use it to get out of Chicago and into a new life. No relationships this time around. And no job. This life was going to be all about having fun.
Chapter 36
March 1985
He met Tonya in a bar in Dallas. She was a receptionist for an alternative newspaper, he was wandering around the country and happened to be in Dallas that night. He ordered a beer, then Tonya got up on stage to sing the karaoke version of Patsy Cline’s Crazy.
Tonya had blond hair partially covered by a brown cowboy hat that had a turquoise medallion in front. She wore a tan halter top tight across her breasts, a pair of faded jeans, and cowboy boots. The girl could sing. When she came off stage, Scott bought her a drink. By the end of the night, she had agreed to quit her job at the newspaper and join him on his journey.
Scott didn’t have any plans, and there was nowhere he needed to be. Tonya said she’d always wanted to go to Taos, New Mexico, so that’s where they went.
They were standing in front of El Santuario de Chimayo, an ancient Roman Catholic mission in Chimayo, a little over an hour from Taos.
“Don’t you like it?” Scott asked.
“The way my mama described it, I thought it’d be bigger.”
“Why did you want to see it?”
“Mama claimed there were special mystical powers here. She said she could feel electricity in the air when she walked through the courtyard. But I didn’t feel anything, did you?”
Scott shook his head. “Do you want to go back through again?”
Before she answered, a woman in traditional Navajo clothing approached them. She wore a maroon velvet top with silver studs that ran along the shoulders at the high neck. A necklace made of silver and turquois hung around her neck, and she wore large matching earrings.
“Did you get any of the dirt?” she asked.
“The dirt?”
“Yes, the dirt is holy and contains healing powers.”
“Mama didn’t say anything about the dirt,” Tonya said.
“Most people rub it on themselves, but some eat it,” the Navajo woman said. “It can heal the sick and mend the broken-hearted.”
Several other visitors walked by them, some carrying small plastic bags of dirt.
“Can it take you outside of your body and help you see the essence of life?” Tonya asked.
“No. It is not like peyote. The dirt just helps cleanse you of your sins and heal your illnesses.”
“I think I’d rather have the peyote,” Tonya said. “That’s the kind of experience I thought I was going to have visiting the church.”
“I know someone who can help you get peyote, but not here. He is in Truchas.”
“We drove through there on the way from Taos,” Scott said.
“Yes, it is at the top of the high road toward Taos. His name is Yas. He is my brother. You can find him at the Mercantile on Route 76. Tell him you spoke to me.”
The Mercantile was a two-story adobe building with a metal roof, wooden support posts, and a balcony that wrapped around the second story. Inside, at the front counter, they told the woman that they were looking for Yas. She excused herself and went in the back. A couple minutes later, she emerged with a young Navajo man.
“I am Yas. Can I help you?”
“We met your sister in Chimayo. She said you could help us get some peyote.”
Yas looked around to make sure no one else heard, and then walked Scott and Tonya out of the building. “You are searchers?” Yas asked. “Looking for spiritual awakening?”
Scott wasn’t searching for anything. He was just along for the ride. So, he waited for Tonya to say something.
“Yes, spiritual awakening,” she said.
“For the two of you, it will be $100. Do you have the money?”
Tonya looked at Scott, and Scott nodded.
“I need it now.”
“How do I know you’re not going to rip us off?” Scott asked.
Yas smiled. “For seekers of the truth, you are not very trusting. You know my name and where I work. I’m not going to steal your money.”
Even if he did, what was the big deal? It was just a hundred bucks. Scott reached in his pocket and counted out five $20 bills. He handed them to Yas.
“Meet me back here in an hour, in front of The Mercantile. I will take you somewhere where you can take the peyote in peace.” Yas nodded at them and went back inside.
Scott and Tonya bought a bag of chips and a couple of sodas at The Mercantile, then sat in the parking lot eating and drinking. It was late afternoon. The sun was low in the sky and the temperature was dropping.
After an hour, they met Yas in front of The Mercantile, and he led them higher up into the Sangre de Christo Mountains to a secluded place that overlooked deep rock crevices and tall mountain peaks. A white canvas tent had been set up near the overlook. In the fading sun, they built a fire near the tent.
“Before you take this, I have to tell you a few things,” Yas said. “Taking peyote is not about getting high. It is a way to get in touch with our sacred selves. To experience our higher being. This peyote will last ten
or twelve hours. Don’t fall asleep. You don’t want to waste it. If you get cold, huddle around the fire or go in the tent. There is water in the tent if you need it.”
Yas stood and took something out of his pocket. He tossed it into the fire, and there was a noticeable change in the smell around them. Yas stretched his hands out toward the flames and recited an incantation in a language Scott didn’t understand. When Yas was finished, he approached Tonya and instructed her to hold out her hands. He placed the dried peyote buttons in her hand, then did the same thing with Scott.
“Once you take the buttons, I am going to leave you for the night. I will be back in the morning to lead you down the mountain. Are you ready?”
Both Scott and Tonya indicated they were ready, and Yas instructed them to eat the peyote buttons. When they had, Yas said something else they couldn’t understand, and he left.
Chapter 37
March 1985
Scott and Tonya watched the sun descend behind a mountain. They stared silently as a light breeze blew across them, knocking the fire from side to side. Neither spoke until the sun was tucked safely behind a mountain peak.
“Do you feel anything?” Tonya asked.
“I haven’t seen God yet.” Scott laughed at his own joke. He felt extremely relaxed. Maybe more relaxed than he had ever felt in any of his lives.
Tonya didn’t respond initially, but a few seconds later, she laughed at what Scott had said.
An hour or so after taking the peyote, Scott began noticing colors. The fire burned in blues and greens. The canvas tent was surrounded by a throbbing red glow. Even Tonya seemed to be surrounded in green.
Scott stood and grabbed two small logs from the pile of firewood Yas had left them. Red, orange, and yellow sparks flew into the air when the logs hit the fire, the sparks forming outlines of trees and dogs.
“Did you see that?” Scott asked.
“What?”
“The sparks from the fire looked like a dog.”
Although the sparks were gone, Tonya stared at the air above the fire. After a moment, she laughed again.
“What is all this spiritual stuff you’re searching for?” Scott asked.
Tonya rubbed her face, then looked at her hand. “Life just seems so empty. I mean, what’s the point? I get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, and do everything over again the next day. Is that why we’re here? There must be more.”
“I don’t think there is. You’re born, you live, you die. There’s no point to any of it.”
“Aren’t you the bringer of sunshine and good news?”
“Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.”
“I don’t think so. After my mom visited Chimayo, she started searching for a teacher or guru who could help her spiritually. My dad left her several years ago, then she dated a bunch of guys, eventually getting married to some loser named Jay. But that didn’t last either. She wanted to find something to believe in that didn’t involve men or sitting in bars.” Tonya looked at her hand again, moving it in front of her face.
“Did she find it?”
“What?”
“Your mom. Did she find what she was looking for?”
“Oh, she started following some woman named Charlotte Dove. She’s into what she calls the Divine Feminine. It’s all about woman power and being self-sufficient. My mom really got into it. She even moved to Las Vegas to be closer to Charlotte.”
“Why don’t you just join your mom and follow Charlotte?”
“Because I think it’s bullshit. If it works for Mom, that’s great. But it doesn’t speak to me.”
“Yet, you still think there’s something out there that’s going to free you from your dreary life. Like, someone is going to tell you the truth about what we’re all going through.”
“I’m not looking for the truth. I’m looking for my truth. And, yeah, I think I’ll eventually find it.” Tonya suddenly sat up straighter. “Hey, the fire is turning colors.”
*
After a few hours, the temperature dropped, and the fire no longer kept them warm. They retreated to the tent and each got into a sleeping bag.
“The walls of the tent are moving,” Tonya said. “Can you see that?”
Scott saw it. In fact, everything around him was pulsating. He reached out to touch the tent wall, and when he did, blue, red, and yellow surrounded his touch. “It’s like everything is breathing.”
“Maybe everything is alive, and we normally don’t see it.”
“You think the tent is alive?”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s a piece of canvas.”
“So? It could be alive.”
Scott shook his head, and when he did, there was a weird sensation. His head moved, but his consciousness lagged. He moved his head to the right, and then tried to move it to the left before his consciousness caught up. He did that three of four times before he felt dizzy.
“What are you doing?” Tonya asked.
Scott thought about how he could explain it to her, but his mind wandered. “I don’t know.”
They sat in silence then, each looking around the tiny tent, occasionally reaching out to touch something that wasn’t there.
When Scott looked outside, he saw a sliver of light coming up over the horizon to the east. He didn’t feel high, but he felt the urge to get naked and meet the dawn. He pulled himself from his sleeping bag and took off his clothes.
“What are you doing?” Tonya asked.
“The sun is coming up.”
That was apparently enough explanation. Tonya climbed from her sleeping bag, took off her clothes, and joined Scott outside the tent. They both stood facing east, their arms outstretched as if they were being crucified. When the sun was completely up, they hugged, their naked bodies touching each other, giving off colors. They returned to the tent.
They spent a long time touching each other. Each touch produced colors and waves that they marveled at, before moving on to the next touch.
They had just finished having sex when they heard Yas’ truck pull up. They emerged from the tent, still naked.
“Whoa, how about if you get dressed before we leave.” Yas shielded his eyes as if he didn’t want to see.
Scott looked down at himself, then at Tonya, surprised to find they were still naked. He pointed at the tent. “We should probably get dressed.”
Chapter 38
March 1985
They arrived in Las Vegas right around dinner time. Tonya directed Scott to her mother’s house on the west side of town, but when they got there, her mother wasn’t home.
“You should have called ahead,” Scott said.
“That’s real helpful now.”
“Let’s get something to eat. I’ll bring you back later.”
They drove to a nearby Denny’s and sat in a booth in the back.
“I’m getting breakfast. How about you?”
“I just want pie,” Tonya said.
“You haven’t eaten anything all day. Get anything you want. I’m buying.”
“I’m not hungry, but I’m craving something sweet.”
The waitress came and took their order. Scott ordered the All-American Slam, and Tonya ordered a piece of chocolate cream pie and a glass of milk.
“Can I ask you something?” Tonya asked.
“Sure. Anything.”
“You don’t work. All you do is drive around the country looking for fun. Where does your money come from?”
Scott pursed his lips and shrugged. “I’m not sure if I should tell you.”
“Why?” Tonya’s elbows were on the table and she was resting her head on her hands. Her eyes were bright with curiosity.
“I’m not sure if I can trust you.”
“I ran off with you to Taos without looking back. I think you can trust me.”
The waitress brought their drinks, and Scott waited until she was gone to speak.
“I guess that’s true, but you can’t tell anyone, okay?”
“Okay.”
“You promise?”
Tonya raised her right hand and extended the three middle fingers. “Scout’s honor.”
“I’m a bank robber.”
“For real?”
Scott nodded.
“Are you serious?”
He tried to keep a straight face but couldn’t. He started laughing. “No, I’m not a bank robber.”
Tonya looked disappointed. “I was hoping you were. That would be cool.”
“You think it’d be cool to travel around the country with a bank robber? You’re more twisted than I thought.”
“You have to admit, it would be interesting.”
Scott laughed. “I suppose it would.”
“So, where do you really get your money?”
Scott didn’t want to tell her the truth. He didn’t like people to know that he made his money betting on baseball and football games. He decided to tell a mundane lie. “I’m a trust fund baby. My grandfather made a lot of money, and it’s been passed down through the family ever since.”
The waitress brought their food, and Tonya didn’t ask any more questions.
When they got back to her mom’s house, Tonya asked Scott to wait in the car. She hadn’t come out and said it, but he got the impression that Tonya’s mom wouldn’t be very happy to see her, and Tonya didn’t want him to see their dysfunction play out.
He turned the radio on and heard Bruce Springsteen belting out “Dancing in the Dark.” Next was “Hold Me Now” by the Thompson Twins, then “Oh Sherrie” by Steve Perry. He found himself singing loudly to the music, but his reverie was interrupted by a commercial. He had to admit, the music was better back in the ‘70s and ‘80s.
When Tonya finally came back, she opened the door and plopped into the passenger seat. She had been crying.
“What’s up?” Scott asked.
“Coming on this trip was a mistake. It’s irresponsible. I should have never taken off and abandoned my job and my apartment.”
“It’s only been a few days. Maybe they’ll take you back at work.”
Tonya shook her head. “My mom wants me to stay here. She thinks Charlotte Dove can help me get my life in order.”
