Jaxson (Kinsmen MC Book 1)

by Hazel Parker

  “Are you hanging out with him today?” she asks.

  “Um, I thought we were going shopping. Unless you were joking.” I talk over my shoulder at her.

  “I totally wasn’t, I’m glad you remembered. I have to admit that when I first thought about you and Jaxson together that I would never see you again. And you know I can’t afford this place on my own.” She laughs.

  “Aw, I’d never forget about you. You’re my only friend.” It isn’t like I have had many options. But I am usually a loner and stay that way, but for some reason I let her in.

  She is honest and funny and I love living with her.

  “Yay. So I just need makeup and jeans for work.”

  “Sounds good to me.” I smile at her.

  I finish and then we start getting ready. I pick out jeans and a pink sweater. It isn’t my favorite but I have to do laundry so it’s all I have right now. I tie my hair up in a hair tie and grab my cross body purse to meet her in the living room. I am ready before her, like always. She just checks her phone a lot while she is getting ready. The other manager where she works is incompetent, so she has to resolve a lot of issues even when she isn’t there.

  “Let’s go.” She finally comes out, in leggings and a tight black sweater with high boots on.

  “You look nice. Are you expecting to see someone?”

  “Maybe I am.” She shrugs, knowing that I am joking. She just likes to look good.

  We decide to take my car. I set off for the somehow long drive into the city to reach the mall. It’s one of the downsides, of a small town living. Everything isn’t in the town, technically.

  Parking is hard, since it is close to the holidays. I start wondering what I will do for Thanksgiving this year. Sometimes Mom comes to me, wherever I am, but I want to be nice and go to her. It’s just a bit of a drive.

  “I thought you went to the club last night.” Riley asks me as we walk inside to the makeup section.

  “I did. I thought… something happened with Jaxson and so I left. But it was a misunderstanding.” I quickly explain. But she has questions.

  “What happened?”

  “I thought he was with a girl.”

  “What the hell? I’ll kill him.” She wrinkles her little nose and glares at nothing.

  “No, it was a misunderstanding. He was just talking to her, really. He came to find me right after and showed up at our place. I mean, I believe him. I have no reason not to.” I sigh. “I just didn’t realize I wanted him that badly.”

  “Aw, it happens like that.” She sighs.

  “I know.” I laugh once to myself. Even now that I am out shopping with her, I am thinking about Jaxson. How good or bad his meeting might be going. If the club is going to get shut down.

  I can’t imagine what I would do, if something that has been in my family, was just in danger like that.

  As if on cue, my phone buzzes with a message from Jaxson.

  Jaxson: We can have dinner at your place and then head to the club.

  I smile to myself, and then figure out a reply.

  Isabelle: Okay.

  I settle on something simple, hoping I don’t sound like I am not excited.

  Jaxson: She isn’t annoying is she? Your roommate.

  To that, I laugh aloud. I tell Riley as she looks at eye shadow palettes.

  “So Jaxson said that he is coming over for dinner tonight to meet you.”

  “Oh fun. I’ll make my special then.”

  I roll my eyes at her.

  Her special is spaghetti and pre-frozen meatballs.

  “He also asked if you were annoying.”

  She laughs aloud, “Tell him only when I have alcohol.”

  I grin at her and shake my head.

  Isabelle: No, she isn’t. You’ll like her.

  Jaxson: Good. Can’t wait to see you.

  I grin, he can be so sweet without trying.

  Isabelle: Me too. Hope the meeting went okay.

  Jaxson: It’s still going on, but we still don’t know what we’re going to do.

  Isabelle: What are the options?

  Jaxson: Illegal shit. I have to go.

  I decide not to text him back, I can sense his tone sometimes and this is one of them. He doesn’t like to be bothered, not when he is thinking. And he is always cautious about the not so honest stuff the club does, I guess to keep me protected from it. But I know money like that won’t fall from a tree and that they have to get it somehow.

  Riley finishes up soon, and I only buy a new shade of lipstick out of the entire day.

  We arrive home and I am suddenly nervous to see Jaxson. As if it is our first date all over again. I guess, to see if he is still mad from earlier. I know it isn’t at me but it still feels like it. I just want to help, and he won’t let me in. At lest not fully.

  I fix only my hair, putting a few loose waves in it and then touching up my lips with the new brown shade that I bought. It’s glossy and makes me feel cute, that’s all I can say or know about makeup.

  I meet Riley back out in the kitchen who has decided to order in from the Italian place downtown.

  “It’s not like he is coming for a home cooked meal.” Is her reply when I question her about it.

  We stopped for beer so he would have something to drink that he likes, and we have our choice of wine. The food comes before he does, and I am starting to think he isn’t coming.

  He texts me to come downstairs twenty minutes after he was supposed to come. Riley gives me a look but I ignore her. I put on my house slippers, which are fuzzy and make me look ridiculous.

  I step out in to the chilly air and find him on the bottom of the steps, just ahead leaning on his bike.

  “Hey, what are you doing out here? Everything is ready upstairs.”

  I don’t even take him in; aside from his usual tight jeans and hoodie, with his cut on. But his silence makes me look closer. His expression is so pained it sends chills down my back from the inside. His lips are tight in a scowl, his brows so close they become one, and his eyes avoid me.

  For the first time, his eyes avoid me.

  “Jaxson?” I step closer, up until my body hits his and I feel his heat. He tenses, he actually tenses in front of me and I feel like I am breaking.

  “I’ve been thinking… this isn’t the best idea, Isabelle. Us. Together.”

  I lose my breath. Standing in one place, I can’t find it in me to breathe. I reach out for him and he winces when I grip his arm.

  “What? How can you say that?” my voice is shaky, too small for me now. I force myself not to cry, to stand up and face him. But it hurts.

  “I tried to pretend that I could do this, but I can’t. I don’t want a girlfriend, someone to worry about all the time. Guys like me don’t have that.”

  “That’s bullshit. Look me in the eye and say that.” I say firmly. Almost every man in that club had a girlfriend when I was inside. I wish I knew why he was lying. Why he would hurt me like this.

  His eyes travel up my body but instead of leaving heat, they leave cold; until he reaches my eyes.

  He just looks… sad.

  “I can’t… I’m no good for you.”

  This time the tears come, and I can’t stop them.

  “But—just today you were talking about how much you can’t wait to see me, how did you—” my hand flies to my mouth as I realize. His shoulders drag with the relief of figuring it out on my own.

  He can either let the club go or save it by doing something illegal. That they could get caught for. I still cry because… I foolishly thought that I could be almost as important as the club. I know I can’t match it or beat it, but I never thought that I would get tossed aside.

  “Jaxson, don’t do this… I was starting to think—I just thought we were stronger than this.”

  “We are,” his voice is so deep and pained that I can’t fathom how much pain he is in. Here he is breaking up with me, and I am still worried about him. Maybe this isn’t healthy, or mayb
e I just—

  “I’m doing this because I love you, Isabelle. And I don’t want to love you more than I love the club. Because I can’t choose you over it. I just can’t.” he turns to leave and I stop him, bracing my hands against his chest. I feel his heart flying as my tears fall, as I try to see through them.

  “Jaxson, I love you too.”

  He looks away as if that is the worst thing he could have heard.

  “And I could never ask you to choose me over the club, I wouldn’t.”

  “I know, but it wouldn’t stop me. Please just… take care of yourself.” He leans down to kiss my forehead, a lingering, painful yet perfect kiss, before he dashes away and onto his bike. Kicking down and roaring off into the night sky.

  My tears fall fully then, turning into sobs as I sit on the bottom steps. With my head in my hands, I sob into the night sky, the creaking of wind is my only company. It was like in one second I had him, and now he is gone.

  How could he tell me he loves me only to walk around and leave? What is worse is that I understand. He must have decided to do something criminal and thought I wouldn’t stay with him, or that he would leave me heartbroken. Men are stupid. This is more heartbreaking than anything else he could have done. Whatever happens, he might be gone; he might go to jail and I could be alone.

  I didn’t even get that much time with him and it is like I didn’t exist at all. I never met his mother, his brothers… I was never that important.

  But he loves me…

  Oh god, that hurts even more.

  No, what’s worse is that I love him too.

  19

  JAXSON

  My mind is in the clouds on the way to her place.

  I have thought of every scenario and none have made sense. None have been good enough.

  When I walked in the club I had already decided what to do. Isabelle kept me from being fully attached to it.

  She is…the light in my life. My everything. I know that if I lose her, I won’t be the same, and neither will she. She is too good a person for me to come and ruin her life. But mine will be ruined if I don’t save the club, either way.

  One run down to Mexico, and it’s more than enough to pay off the debts and keep the place going for a few years, only five will go and I left my brothers out of it.

  It came to president’s orders but I had to, Mom can’t lose all of us if we get caught by the cops. Just me.

  They are always patrolling that border and we are more likely to die than not get caught by them. But if it works, the club is saved and no one has to lose it. I can’t, I couldn’t do that to Dad. The same way I couldn’t go to jail and leave Isabelle. So only one thing made sense.

  I even wanted to change my mind but when I saw her, I knew that I had to do it.

  Isabelle is innocent, and kind, and beautiful… she changed my life in such a short amount of time, I know that it is permanent, I can’t go back. Only forward, and that can’t include her. Women like her shouldn’t be with a man like me. A criminal, an outlaw. It has to be done.

  “Jaxson?” she steps closer and I stare down into her golden eyes, then avoid them altogether. They will make me do anything. The wrong thing. I feel my shoulders rise up into my neck.

  “I’ve been thinking… this isn’t the best idea, Isabelle. Us. Together.”

  I didn’t even think about what to say. Only that I had to say and that I had to be clear. But even that isn’t. Us together is the best idea, it felt the best, and it did the best for me… but we can’t.

  “What? How can you say that?” her voice shakes, smaller than I have ever heard it. And I know that she is fighting tears. I know that she is trying to hold it together just so I don’t feel bad. I don’t deserve her.

  “I tried to pretend that I could do this, but I can’t. I don’t want a girlfriend, someone to worry about all the time. Guys like me don’t have that.” I force the words out. Plenty of the guys at the club have women at their sides. Loyal, kind women who weren’t changed by the lifestyle of the club. But I’m not that brave, to take that chance.

  “That’s bullshit. Look me in the eye and say that.” She firms up her voice but I still know how hard it is for her. I still know that she is barely holding it together and that I am doing this to her. I didn’t tell anyone my plans, my brothers would have disagreed. Mom knows Isabelle has only made me happy, and she would call me an idiot. But I would rather be an idiot than the man who died on her, who broke her heart.

  I find the courage to look at her only for my selfish gain. To remember her, even sad like this. To look in her eyes and see her true beauty and grace.

  But all I feel when I do that is sad.

  “I can’t… I’m no good for you.” I croak.

  Fat tears fall off her eye lids and it breaks me inside, somewhere I didn’t even know I could be broken.

  “But—just today you were talking about how much you can’t wait to see me, how did you—” I watch as her hand flies to her mouth and she struggles to catch her breath. More of her tears fall and I hide a sigh of relief at her realizing what has happened.

  She knows that I have to save the club and that I could do it honestly, or illegally. That I had to decide what to do and the only factor that matters is her. Maybe that will tell her how important she is to me without having to say it, but I can’t know for sure. All I know is that she has seen the truth, and that I never stood a chance against it.

  “Jaxson, don’t do this… I was starting to think—I just thought we were stronger than this.” Her bottom lip trembles, her hands have left from clutching me and I feel empty. I want to hold her, I want to take it all back. But it’s too late now. It is happening two days from now and nothing can change it now.

  “We are,” the pain in my voice keeps it deep, beyond my control. And she still looks up at me as if to check and see if I am okay, like I am not the one that’s hurting her right now.

  “I’m doing this because I love you, Isabelle. And I don’t want to love you more than I love the club. Because I can’t choose you over it. I just can’t.” before I change my mind, I turn around to leave her.

  The wind splits in the air and I don’t get that far away before her small hands tugs me back, stopping me from walking away.

  “Jaxson, I love you too.”

  I close my eyes as my insides drop. I wish she hadn’t told me that. I wish she never said that and that I never heard it. I dreamt about those words on her lips and now here they are, even after I have broken her.

  She loves me too much.

  “And I could never ask you to choose me over the club, I wouldn’t.”

  “I know, but it wouldn’t stop me. Please just… take care of yourself.” I can’t look in her eyes again. I lean my head down to kiss her forehead, soft and crinkled together with her frustration. I linger longer than I should before I run off to my bike and don’t look back before I ride into the night.

  I RIDE past the compound and stop there for a drink. The guys didn’t know when I left and I don’t feel like talking, but I shouldn’t be alone. I’ll just go running back to Isabelle.

  The club is half empty, sparse. Some guys are playing pool, a few sitting and drinking. Zeke is behind the bar where I left him and sets me down scotch and a beer.

  “You look rough.” He comments. He leans back on the table and crosses his arms. I ignore his expression, with his face that looks too much like mine minus the half smirk. Isabelle gave me that back and I lost it.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m surprised you agreed to this thing. I mean, it’s the only way. But still.”

  “I know that. Where are the others?”

  “Home.”

  “Why aren’t you back home? I thought you left for good.”

  I shake my head.

  “No. I went to see Isabelle.”

  “I like her, she seems great.”

  “I broke up with her.” I down my scotch in one run and already start on my beer.

 
; “What the fuck for?” he looks genuinely angry about it.

  “Too complicated.”

  “How the fuck is it complicated? You’re not the only one in here that has a girl, hell more of us are married than not. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “It’s different. If shit goes down, I get the worst of it, as I should. And I don’t want to go off to prison and leave her waiting for me. She deserves better than that.”

  He shakes his head at me and frowns. “That’s not the only reason, and you know it. I know it. Fuck. I can’t believe you did that, she must be really upset.”

  “I know, simpleton, I was there. She—I thought it would be better, to tell her the truth. Because I love her, and I said that. But I didn’t expect her to say it back.”

  “That’s even worse, man. Why would you—fuck, you really aren’t good at this.”

  I raise my brows and just drink more beer. It isn’t nearly as strong as I need it to be.

  “I love her too much. I’d choose her over this in a heartbeat and not think twice. But in five maybe ten years, I’d resent her for it. And it wouldn’t be her fault.”

  “Who said you had to choose, man? Dad met Mom when she was in nursing school, it didn’t change her life. Isabelle would have been fine. I don’t get you man, you’ve always been weird.” He turns to start wiping down the bar.

  I hear him, but I don’t want to believe he is right. Because then it would mean that I hurt her for nothing and that I would have to fight like hell to get her back.

  Zeke turns to look back at me, waiting to see if I changed my mind or something.

  “What’s done is done.”

  A GUY NAMED Jack has been in the club for a while, doing his illegal shit under my nose and thinking I wouldn’t notice. But I need his help now, but as soon as this is over, I’m kicking him out. He doesn’t know that now and he doesn’t need to.

  “We got lucky. I’ve got a run coming up that we could use more help on, so I suggested the one coming up and they took the bait, I got the price up too.”