Now and Then

by Mary O'Sullivan

  I stopped and stared directly at him.

  “But do I know the full story, Hugh? Is that all there is?”

  He hesitated just long enough to make me nervous.

  “It is. And it isn’t. The elephant in the room is Mother. Della Parrish, matriarch supreme. Though if she knew she had been referred to as an elephant she would not be amused.”

  Now that, I thought would be perfectly true, and I was highly amused at the idea. I don’t know whether it was nervousness or a touch of hysteria that made me laugh then. Heartily. Hugh joined in.

  Rob came to the door, took a photo of us, gave us a puzzled look, and went back to the lounge. It seemed that Hugh had also needed the release of a good belly laugh. At nothing.

  When I got my breath back, I continued. “You know well that Della has as little as possible to do with me. From what I can see she is a wonderful grandmother, a caring if controlling mother, and a disapproving mother-in-law. Other than that, I really don’t know her.”

  “You’re being very generous in your assessment, Leah. It’s the controlling part is the problem. Have you been told that Ben was discharged from the Booly Clinic on condition that he continued on with medication and counselling? Della decided otherwise. She felt he would be ‘labelled’ if he had ongoing treatment and that it would adversely affect his future education and employment opportunities. She defied everyone to get her way. That made a bad situation between herself and Dad worse.”

  I could not hide my shock. I wasn’t sure if Ben had painted a rosy picture of perfect harmony in his childhood home, or if I had assumed it. Because I had come from a single-parent family, I sometimes thought that having two parents to raise you would automatically be twice as good.

  “I can see you’re surprised,” Hugh said. “Dad, the renowned Gavin Parrish, was, to put it mildly, a bit of a lad. That wasn’t always true. Not when we were children. But in teen years, the more involved Mum became with Ben and his problems, the more Dad strayed.”

  “Sure I’m surprised! On two fronts. One, that Della’s marriage was less than perfect. Two, that she did not allow Ben to have the treatment he needed. Although in the years between his stay in the Booly Clinic and now, it would have appeared she had made the right decision.”

  I saw that Hugh’s cup was empty. As I got up to pour him another, I noticed a faraway look in his eyes. Obviously our chat was bringing him back to childhood times in that great big house in Howth. I had always felt it was more a mausoleum than a home. He looked up at me when I placed the cup of fresh coffee in front of him. I was struck by how different Hugh’s appearance was to Ben’s. His eyes were as blue as Ben’s were brown. His hair as fair and thinning, as Ben’s was dark and thick. But at that moment I recognised the same shadow of sadness in Hugh’s eyes, as in Ben’s. A lost look.

  I sat again, opposite him.

  “So, Hugh, if Della was so preoccupied with Ben, does that mean she did not have the time to give to you?”

  “No. She had plenty of time. Just not the will. Ben was her boy. Dad and I were close. I lacked for nothing, Leah. Except that most precious of things, a mother’s love.”

  He bowed his head. I wondered if he’d had counselling. It was not often that Irishmen could be so comfortable discussing their emotions. He looked up at me and smiled.

  “I’ve picked up more than just an accent in the States. I’ve adopted their frank and open attitude as well. Talking is good for the soul. Or whatever it is inside us that makes us who we are. Which brings me to the real reason I wanted to talk to you now.”

  “Is this about the job for Ben in the US? I think it’s very nice of your brother-in-law to consider employing Ben, but honestly, Hugh, he’s not ready for that. And apart from his near brush with death, accidental or not, he’s had a heart attack and –”

  He reached across the table and caught my hand. His grip was warm and firm. Comforting.

  “I know, Leah. I agree. But Mother, as usual, is pulling the strings. Zach Milburg is a man I admire. As a businessman and brother-in-law. But to have him as a boss would be a challenge. He’s demanding and not what Ben needs now. Besides, he doesn’t do favours. I don’t think he would have taken Ben on. That doesn’t mean Ben’s not good enough. Ben’s very talented. His lack of experience would be a deal-breaker, though. And I think Della has finally realised this. It’s her new plan I needed to talk to you about.”

  “Oh? I didn’t know she had one. Would it have something to do with her needing to go to Dublin on business today?”

  He nodded. “She’s setting up the legal framework so that she can move into a city-centre apartment and sign the Howth house over to Ben.”

  “What!”

  “On condition that he moves in there immediately.”

  That was when the children came into the kitchen, crowding around Uncle Hugh, demanding his attention. He played with them, showed Rob how to edit photos on his new camera, kept them occupied while I tried to absorb the information he had just given me.

  I knew this was why Ben needed to talk to me urgently. What I did not yet know was if he intended to live in the Howth mausoleum alone.

  I agreed with Ben. We urgently needed to talk.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  The satnav brought Hugh directly to the hospital grounds, but once there he had to depend on the sporadic and often confusing signage to get to Room 5 on the first floor. Ben was sitting out on a chair beside his bed. He was so still that Hugh was not sure at first whether he was awake or asleep. As he walked across the room, Ben turned to face him.

  Hugh tried to keep his expression neutral but he was so shocked by Ben’s gaunt appearance, it must have shown.

  “Hi, bro,” Hugh said as cheerfully as possible. “How are you doing?”

  Just like a child needing to be picked up and cuddled, Ben held out his two arms to his big brother. They hugged and slapped each other on the back in an accepted manly way, but there was no disguising the depth of their emotions.

  “I’m still alive, just about, so I suppose that’s good,” Ben said.

  To Hugh’s ears, Ben sounded anything but glad to have survived.

  “Of course it’s good, Ben. You have so much to live for. I’ve been out to the cottage with Leah and the children. You have a beautiful family. They miss you.”

  “Hmm. Sometimes I think . . .” He stopped speaking and took a deep breath. “Never mind that. Tell me about you. And why are you here, you daft beggar? I know how busy you are.”

  Hugh went to the other side of the room and brought over the chair obviously meant for visitors. He placed it across from Ben, where they were obliged to look at each other, to make eye contact. To be honest.

  “I’m here, Ben, because you’re my brother and because I care. You’ve been avoiding my phone calls. Why?”

  Ben opened his mouth to deny the accusation but stopped when he saw Hugh glance at the switched-off phone on top of the locker. His brother had travelled all that distance for the truth so nothing else would do. A band of tension tightened around Ben’s head. What the fuck was the truth? He didn’t know, did he? Had he meant to die on the beach? To never again have to live in Cowshit Cottage or suffocate in Paircmoor? To never again suffer the humiliation of endless unemployment? To never again see Leah? Or Rob. Or Josh. Or Anna. Or Mom. Or Hugh. No! Not all never-agains were bearable.

  “I’m waiting, Ben. Why don’t you want to talk to me?”

  Ben’s face suddenly became animated. Flushed. Eyes sparking anger. The change was so sudden, Hugh was taken aback.

  “Why should I talk to you? You wouldn’t understand. How could you? You and your perfect life. Your perfect wife. Your fucking swimming pool and billionaire brother-in-law. I have no future, Hugh. No job, no money, no prospects. We have nothing in common.”

  Hugh nodded. He had been here before. A very angry teenaged Ben, lashing out, blaming everyone and everything for his depression. Protecting his inner core of sadness from any attempt to b
ring it into the light of day. He knew he must be calm now, even though he felt like shaking some sense into his younger brother.

  “Who told you my life was perfect, Ben? I’ve just spent the morning playing with your wonderful children. I would give all the material things I own just to have a family like yours.”

  “Go and make your own family then.”

  Hugh flinched. He had to make allowances for Ben now. Otherwise he would have been tempted to give him a thump. But Ben didn’t know, did he? How unfair to expect all the truth-telling to be one way only. He took a deep breath.

  “The fact is, Ben, Piper is very career-focused at the moment. I’m not sure when, or if, she’ll decide to start a family. I keep hoping though.”

  Ben’s expression changed again, to one of sympathy. Hugh had never noticed before how clearly emotions were reflected on his brother’s face. Or how often they changed.

  “I’m sorry, Hugh,” he said. “I didn’t know. But to be fair, she’s a lot younger than you. She has time on her side.”

  “But I don’t. And that makes my point for me, Ben. From your perspective everyone’s life seems better than yours. That’s just not true. You’ve no idea what’s really going on with other people.”

  “And you’ve no idea what it’s like being me, so hold the lecture.”

  Hugh nodded. Fair point. He had wanted to tell Ben also how lucky he was to have Leah. It was easy to see she had his back, no matter what. He wished he could say the same about Piper.

  The wife conversation would have been a sharing too far for both of them. Instead they were silent for a moment.

  Hugh broke the silence.

  “Mum has told me about the house in Howth. It’s one of the reasons I’m here.”

  “I knew it! I tried to tell her she can’t just sign it over to me. Dad would turn in his grave if he thought you had been denied your share of our family home.”

  “No! The house is not the problem, Ben. I don’t want it. I’m settled in San Fran and it’s where I’ll stay. It’s Mum I’m worried about.”

  “What are you saying? That I’m throwing her out of her home? I didn’t ask her to –”

  “Ben! For heaven’s sake, we both know Mum will only do exactly what she wants. When has it ever been different? It’s the way she was reared by Gran and Grandad Roache. Do you remember them?”

  Ben couldn’t help the shiver that ran through him. Yes, he remembered his Roache grandparents and the musty smell of the big old house they lived in. Curra Manor in Wexford. He had thought of them as austere before he understood the meaning of the word. He had felt disapproved of by his grandparents. Even by the house that seemed to ooze disapproval from the walls, drip it from the high ceilings.

  “Well, she was an only child. I suppose they spoiled her.”

  Hugh nodded. Della Roache had been a spoiled child. Marriage, motherhood or time had not changed that fact. Her innate belief that only she knew best was a core part of her deceptively genteel character. She was steely from the inside out.

  “Ben, if you and Leah want to move back to Dublin and to live in The Parrish House, then I think that’s great. But I need to hear it from you.”

  Ben shrugged. “I suppose it would mean I’m taking another handout. Ben the charity case.”

  “Stop! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and think of your family. Look, I love Mum. I know we both do. Doesn’t change the fact that, especially where you are concerned, she is manipulative. Christ above! You’re heading for forty but she’s still making decisions for you.”

  “You’re not being fair to her, Hugh. I don’t know where I’d be without her. She paid our mortgage when we couldn’t, paid the deposit on the cottage in Paircmoor, bought the jeep so that I could drive the children around. She even pays our health insurance. She does all that because I’m her son, not because she is manipulative.”

  “She can well afford to, Ben. Dad left her very comfortably off. And before you say it, yes, I agree she can be generous. But there’s always a payback. I just want to be sure she’s not forcing a decision on you.”

  Ben stood. He was stiff from sitting in the bedside chair. He felt the shadow of the thousands of other patients who must have sat there too, wondering if they would ever see home again. Or like him, if they even wanted to. Hugh had to pull his feet in to allow him pass. Standing over his brother, Ben noticed how thin Hugh’s hair was getting, how lined his skin from the sun. No doubt about it, the Parrish brothers were aging. Even the fucking perfect Silicon Valley tycoon.

  When he reached the door, Ben turned back and looked at Hugh.

  “This job with your brother-in-law. Zach Milburg. I don’t want it. I don’t want to leave this country. Ireland is shagged. So am I. We’re a good fit.”

  “Good decision, Ben. About the job, I mean. Mum may have promised more than she could deliver there.”

  Ben could see them now, Zach Milburg, Hugh and Piper, all sitting on sun loungers, laughing, pitying Ben Parrish, whose mother was trying to find a job for him.

  “Fuck Milburg! I wouldn’t work for him anyway.”

  Hugh walked over to Ben and put a hand on his arm.

  “Sorry, bro, I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just that the time is not right for you now. It’s more important that you recover your full health before you make any life-changing decisions”

  “You’re patronising me.”

  “I’m worried, Ben. Mum stopped you getting the medical help you needed when you were a teenager and I think she is doing the same now. You’re obviously very upset.”

  Hugh knew he was handling this wrongly, but he had witnessed for himself how disturbed Ben was. The despair was bubbling just beneath the surface, erupting in anger every so often. He took a step back. Now at a safer distance, he posed the questions he had come here to ask.

  “Has anyone spoken to you about last Friday night and what happened? Why it happened. Have you seen a psychiatrist? Have you had counselling? Or is Mum trying to cover it all up again by bringing you back to Dublin?”

  Hugh watched a flush of anger spread up Ben’s pale neck and face. There was something else too. Maybe hatred

  “You think you know it all, Hugh, don’t you? There’s something you need to get straight. Friday night was an accident. I went on the beach, misjudged the tide and sheltered in a cave until I was rescued. Reckless, yes. Suicidal, no. I don’t need any nosey fuckers prying into my private life. Poking and prodding. That includes you. Now, I’m tired. I need to sleep. Thank you for coming to see me.”

  Ben offered his hand to Hugh. As if they were work colleagues. Hugh shook his hand.

  “I’m going back to the cottage. I’ll be babysitting so that Leah can come to see you later.”

  “Tell her not to bother. I’m tired.”

  “I’m not your messenger, Ben. Tell her yourself if you want to. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  By the time Hugh had put back his chair where he had found it, Ben was already in bed, blankets pulled up to his chin, eyes closed. He was not asleep though. Or resting. His eyes were moving behind the closed lids, a pulse beating rapidly underneath the left eye. It seemed to Hugh that it had been a long, long time since his brother last had a peaceful sleep.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  I listened to my children chatter amongst themselves as I drove along. It felt good to be leaving Cowslip Cottage for a little while, the children safely strapped into their seats in the back of the jeep. A normal Mom taking her kids for an afternoon spin. As we passed the school, Rob asked me when he could go back there.

  “Just another few days at home,” I said. “You can go next Monday. Okay?”

  “Will Dad be home then?”

  Good question. I assumed he would. With so much pressure on hospital beds, they would not be holding him there for no reason. Unless they were waiting for a psychiatric assessment. Waiting for him to admit he needed help.

  “I think so, Rob. But that’s up to the doctors. They must make
sure he is better before they send him home.”

  “Ellen all gone,” Anna piped up. Obviously seeing the school reminded her of the daily meeting place.

  “And Finn,” Josh added.

  Good riddance, I thought. Not my finest moment. The mention of Ellen’s name clouded what had been a more hopeful day than any other this week. Mainly thanks to Hugh. It had been good to talk to him this morning. An open, unexpectedly honest, conversation. A bonus too that he had so kindly offered to babysit the children this evening while I went to visit Ben.

  “You said we were going to the woods,” Rob said. “You’ve just passed them.”

  I had forgotten to tell the children that I was calling to the salon first. I had, of course, been in phone contact with Mags and Tina over the past two days. They seemed to be working well together from what I could tell. They said the salon was busy. Maybe the customers were people wanting to find out the gory details of Ben’s rescue from the cave. Or perhaps Minnie Curran had been scared into spreading a positive word about Leah’s Hair Salon. Whatever the reason it all seemed to be good news. Which was why I needed to see for myself. I had experienced the flip side of good so often, I always expected bad to make an appearance.

  “I must call to work first. See that everything is alright there.”

  “No!” Josh said. “No work, Mom!”

  I glanced at him in the rear-view mirror and saw his eyes, Ben’s dark, dark, brown eyes, glisten with tears. Anna put her arm around him and snuggled her blonde head close to his dark hair. Rob was looking away from me. Staring out the window. I could not see his face but knew it would echo the expression of the other two children. Disappointment. Betrayal. What was I to do? How could I explain to them that the salon was our main source of income now? That I needed to call to thank Mags and Tina in person for their help. I gripped the steering wheel tightly as the weight of so much responsibility and guilt made my hands shake.

  “Of course I’m not going to work, Josh. You silly goose! I just want to have a small chat to Mags and Tina. How about you all come in with me? You can make sure I don’t stay too long. Then we can go to the woods.”