Now and Then

by Mary O'Sullivan

  Rob nodded, loaded some food on his fork, put it down again.

  “What’s wrong with the old President?”

  Ben laughed. “You might well ask, Rob! But, since you will have Tuesday off, and so has Mom, I think we should all do something special. What do you say, gang?”

  Anna clapped her hands, and so did Josh, forgetting he was holding a spoon. By the time I had the splatter of gravy and mashed potato wiped up, suggestions on how to spend the day were ranging from a trip to Disneyland to visiting the famous caves in the next county.

  “I’ve the best idea,” Ben said. “How about we go to Dublin to see Della? We could look at the Christmas lights in the city too.”

  I stopped mopping up instantly. The children were squealing with excitement but I was stunned. He should have spoken to me about it first. How Della-like of him.

  “That would be a very, very, long spin,” I said.

  “True, but we can share the driving, can’t we?”

  “I mean for the children, Ben. It’s over three hours.”

  “We can stop halfway,” Rob said. “In a garage and get juice and go to the bathroom.”

  “There!” Ben said, smiling at me. “That’s sorted. We’ll go to see my mother.”

  “She said she has things to do. Are you sure she’ll be there on Tuesday?”

  “Yes, I am. I rang her last night.”

  Game, set and match to Ben. I looked around at all the happy faces. The children would see me as a spoilsport if I objected. And I really was glad to see Ben taking the initiative. Planning something fun. The children would think so anyway. I’d had enough surprises though. I would talk to him about it later.

  After I had served up Mags’ Pavlova, Ben sat back in his chair and stretched.

  “That was great, but I think we need a bit of exercise now. How about a walk on the beach, Leah? Are you up for it?”

  As soon as I heard beach, I was on instant alert. Beach, cave, storm. Why would he want to go back there so soon?

  “It’s much too cold, Ben. I agree we need a walk, but not by the sea.”

  “I must go. I need to thank those people. The Sanquests.”

  My heart stopped beating, and for a second or two I thought it would not restart. Yes, he must thank Walter and Vera, but not until I had told him about my pregnancy first. Or until I warned the Sanquests not to mention that they already knew about it.

  “Who are the Sanquests?” Rob asked.

  “The people who helped Daddy when he tripped over the branch in the dark,” I said quickly. “They called the ambulance to take him to hospital.”

  “I’d like to say thanks to them too,” Rob said.

  “You can’t see them now. They’re away. Visiting their son. They told me they would be gone for two weeks.”

  My God! I was good at this lying business. I didn’t even have to think about that one.

  “How about a walk in the woods?” I suggested so brightly that I didn’t recognise my own voice.

  To my immense relief, Ben agreed.

  We had the wood trail to ourselves. The children ran on ahead of us, indifferent to the cold. They stopped every so often to pick up bits and pieces. I knew from experience that I would have to empty their pockets of leaves, sticks, stones and the odd feather or two when we got home. Their voices carried on the still air as they ran along, and their breaths rose in white puffs. I noticed that Rob looked back often, just to be sure we were there. I supposed that it was natural after his routine had been so upset, but it saddened me to see him show signs of insecurity.

  “Do you think Rob is alright?” I asked Ben. “He seems to have taken your stay in hospital harder than the twins. Not that the twins don’t care. It’s just that Rob is more . . . I don’t know. More tuned in to other people’s feelings.”

  “More sensitive?”

  “I suppose.”

  “More like me.”

  I stopped walking and took Ben’s arm so that he stood to face me.

  “Are you calling me insensitive?” I asked him.

  “Of course not! It’s just that you’re – pragmatic, I suppose. And that’s not a criticism. Of either you or me. Who we are, and how we live our little slice of life is predestined long before we’re born.”

  I frowned, wondering if Ben had, after all, gone for a soul-searching counselling session in the hospital. Or else if this line of fatalistic thinking had been influenced by the revelations about his mother’s brother.

  “Are you upset about your Uncle George?” I asked. “Learning like that, out of the blue, must be a huge shock for you.”

  “It was. When I first found out. But that was a long time ago.”

  “What! What do you mean by a long time ago?”

  He was looking at me, as if trying to decide whether he should answer me or not.

  “What in the hell are you saying, Ben? That you pretended to be shocked by what Hugh discovered in Wexford?”

  Before he could say anything, we heard Rob call to us. When we turned to look, he was walking towards us, a worried expression on his face.

  “Why did you stop walking?” he asked. “Is there something wrong? Are you sick, Dad?”

  “No, Rob,” I reassured him. “Nothing wrong at all. Dad and I are just chatting. Enjoy your walk. We’re right behind you.”

  He looked at both of us for a moment, his eyes dark in his solemn little face. Ben smiled at him. Rob smiled back and then skipped down the path ahead of us. As we followed him and the twins, I thought how great it would be if a smile could fix everything in the grown-up world too.

  “So, Ben,” I said. “Tell me about it. How you knew about your Uncle George.”

  He shrugged, as if it was a matter of no consequence.

  “Ireland’s a small country, Leah. Not too many secrets here.”

  “Really? You made a good job of keeping this secret from me. So how come Hugh didn’t know?”

  “He doesn’t live here.”

  I gathered from his glib answer that he was going to make me drag the information out of him.

  “When did you find out? “

  “When I was in university.”

  “How?

  He sighed. I was annoying him but I needed to know what was going on. Looking back to Hugh’s revelation two nights ago, it was apparent that Della had been shocked. She believed she had kept the secret of her brother safe from both her sons. Except that wasn’t true for Ben.

  “Look, if you must know, Leah, I started going out with a girl in uni. In first year. A law student. As it happened she was from the same area in Wexford as my mother. She knew our family history. All about George and the mad streak in the Roache family.”

  “Don’t disrespect your uncle like that, Ben! So, didn’t your mother realise that this girl could have told you about your uncle?”

  He shrugged. “She probably would have, had she met her. But I was hardly going to strike up a serious relationship with someone who believed I was crazy.”

  “I still can’t see why you didn’t speak to your mother about it. It wasn’t fair to allow her think you had never heard of George.”

  He looked at me and I could see the dark shadow of hurt in his eyes. I wished I had phrased that better.

  “I’m sorry, Ben. That came out all wrong. I just meant that you’ve carried this secret alone for years. I can understand that you felt you were protecting your mother. And maybe Hugh also. But why didn’t you share with me?”

  Rob was looking back again. I waved at him. Ben caught my hand as we walked along.

  “I was afraid I would lose you, if you knew.”

  I entwined my fingers with his, feeling how warm his skin was, even in the cold.

  “I know now. I know about your stay in the Booly Clinic and your suicide attempts. About your Uncle George and his suicide. I’m not going anywhere, Ben. I love you. I always will.”

  We were nearing the turn on the path and dusk was beginning to fall. Just as I was about
to call the children back, I saw a couple come around the corner and begin to walk towards us. They had a yappy little dog with them. I was too far away to see clearly but I was pretty certain the dog had a blue ribbon in its hair. Pilot. The Sanquests’ dog. My own recently spoken words about honesty and lack of secrets echoed in my head. Mocking me. I panicked. Should I just blurt out to Ben, here and now, that I was pregnant? That I would have told him earlier if he hadn’t marooned himself in a cave at high tide. If I had not, even for just a second, entertained the idea of aborting the baby.

  The children were running towards the Sanquests. The twins loved dogs. Every so often they ran a campaign of nagging, hoping to break down our resistance to them getting a puppy. We told them we would when they were old enough to care for it themselves. In the meantime, they launched themselves on every dog they met. Like they were doing with the Sanquests’ dog now.

  Ben was looking ahead, squinting in the fading light.

  “The dog, Leah. I’ve seen it before. I’ve heard that bark. It belongs to the woman I met the night of the storm. The woman who lives in Cliff House.”

  “Vera Sanquest,” I said.

  “Well! There’s a coincidence. I was meant to meet them today, after all. Is that her husband with her? Walter, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, it is. And Ben, there’s something you should know before you talk to them. I told them . . . I-I thought they were away visiting their son.”

  “Hold it, Leah. Looks like Anna is making a nuisance of herself with the dog. I’d better run ahead and sort out the situation before the dog loses patience with her.”

  “No, no. I’ll go.”

  I started to run but after two strides my foot caught in a tree root which had been camouflaged by fallen leaves. I fell face down into the mulch. It smelled of death. I felt a pain in my back and something sharp cut my outstretched hand. Ben rushed towards me and helped me to stand.

  “Are you okay, Leah? Are you hurt?”

  My first thought was that karma was teaching me a lesson. Woman lies to children about husband tripping over a fallen branch. Woman trips over a fallen branch. I gingerly felt around my back, put weight on first one leg then the other. Nothing broken.

  “I’m fine, Ben. Go get the children.”

  I stood and watched as he strode towards the Sanquests. Towards what could well be the end of my marriage when they told him about the baby. I began to walk. Why would they mention the pregnancy? Would it be, ‘Hello, Ben. Nice to meet you again, and are you looking forward to the birth of your fourth child?’ I wasn’t sure if they had seen me fall. That would surely cause Vera concern for the baby she knew I was carrying. I began to walk more quickly. Ben had kept secrets from me, hadn’t he? And anyway, he hadn’t been in a fit state, post-hypothermia and heart attack, to tell him about the pregnancy. I braced myself to fight. To protect my marriage, my children, our future. Ben was shaking hands with Walter and Vera, obviously thanking them. They were chatting, smiling. No sign of shock or anger in Ben’s stance.

  Vera looked towards me as I approached the group. She held her hand out to me.

  “Hello, Leah. It’s so good to see Ben out and about so soon. And what beautiful children you have!”

  “Us have no dog,” Anna said. “Mom and Dad say no, no, no.”

  Josh repeated a few more no’s for good measure. I began to explain that we had decided to wait until they were older. That the children would have to look after the dog in order to teach them responsibility. I waffled on as long as I could about dogs. Then I brought up the Presidential election. I was willing to discuss any topic under the sun as long as it did not relate to pregnancy. I was aware Ben was giving me a puzzled look. He stooped down to the children.

  “One last rub for Pilot now,” he told them. “Mr and Mrs Sanquest must take him home and put him to bed. It’s getting too cold for him.”

  “Him has a coat,” Anna said.

  “He must have his supper and go to bed,” Walter said. “But maybe Mom and Dad will bring you to visit him sometime. You would all be most welcome.”

  “Thank you,” Ben said. “And of course I’ll always be grateful for what you did for me when – when I needed help.”

  Rob, who had been quietly watching on, spoke up now.

  “I want to say thank you too,” he said. “It was very good to ring the ambulance for Dad when he fell.”

  Walter took his hand and shook it.

  “You’re more than welcome, young man. And don’t forget to come out to our house to visit Pilot. He will be delighted to see you.”

  “And me,” Anna and Josh said.

  Walter and Vera laughed and said their goodbyes.

  Just as they were walking away, Rob called after them. “Mom said you were gone away to see your boy. That you would be gone for a long time.”

  Vera and Walter glanced at each other and then at me. Ben was looking at me too. Even in the November cold, I felt sweat trickle down my back. Vera nodded towards me. She narrowed her eyes as if trying to work out why I had lied. She smiled at Rob.

  “We will be going to see him in two weeks from now. Mom just got the times mixed up. We’ll spend Christmas with him and our grandchildren.”

  “Will Pilot be going too?”

  “No, Rob. Our son lives in Australia. Too far away for Pilot. He’ll be staying with my friend while we’re away.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief as I watched them walk briskly away.

  As soon as we got home, I washed and dressed the cut on my hand, which was not near as bad as it had felt at first. In fact, it was quite a small scratch. The pain in my back was still niggling though.

  When the children were in bed, Ben and I went to the lounge to watch television. I was worn out from the shock of learning that Ben had known about his Uncle George since before I met him. Another secret he kept from me. And why in the hell was I now taking a leaf from his book of passive lying? Why could I not just tell him I was pregnant? Was I protecting him or myself? And from what?

  “I think I’ll have a bath and an early night,” I told him. “I feel tired.”

  “That’s probably from all the fresh air we had today.”

  “Probably,” I agreed.

  “I was delighted to have met the Sanquests. I owe them a lot. I’m glad you were mistaken about them being away.”

  He was holding my gaze. Daring me to admit I had lied about the Sanquests.

  “Take a rest in the morning,” he said. “I’ll take Rob to school. I’ll take the twins with me.”

  I was about to object when I realised it would be good for both of them. It would serve also to stop speculation about Ben. I kissed him on the cheek. I was weary. I needed all the rest I could get, especially with the trip to Dublin coming up on Tuesday.

  “I’ll do that. Thanks, Ben. ”

  “Night, Leah. No more dishonesty from now on. Agreed?”

  I nodded agreement and went to bed, too tired and too confused to figure it all out.

  CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

  Monday 6th December 2010

  For the second morning in a row, the house was quiet when I woke. I remembered that Ben was taking Rob to school. I had meant to be up to say goodbye to Rob. To make sure he had everything he needed. That thought made me cross with myself. His father could look after him very well. It was just a matter of me allowing him to do it. There was certainly something different about Ben since he had come home from hospital. To my mind he was more confident. More assertive. More positive than I had seen him for a while. I, on the other hand, felt tired, confused and just a little bit out of control. It was almost as if we had swapped places. At least I didn’t have to worry anymore about my husband chatting up the beautiful Ellen Riggs at the school gates.

  I was having breakfast when Ben and the twins arrived home.

  “Us going to school soon,” Anna announced.

  “Yes, you will,” I said. “Bet the teachers are looking forward to it already.”

&nb
sp; I smiled as I looked at the two of them, fireball Anna and little comedian Josh. The teachers in the kindergarten would have their hands full.

  Ben caught them both by the hands

  “Right, guys. I’m going to turn on morning TV for you. Mom and I have things to talk about for a little while. Okay?”

  They ran on ahead of him into the lounge without a backward glance. I felt a moment of sadness that they were already starting to grow up. To pull away from me. I got up to make fresh coffee, wondering what Ben needed to talk to me about. It made a change to have him initiate a discussion. It also made me a bit nervous. I had two mugs of coffee ready when he came back into the kitchen. He sat down opposite me.

  “I need to talk to you about Dublin,” he said.

  “I told you, Ben. I think it’s a long spin for the children. There and back in one day is a bit much. Besides, I would find that drive too taxing, and you can’t drive that distance either. You’re just out of hospital.”

  “We can share the driving. And better yet, we could stay over for a night. Mum would be delighted and she has plenty of space.”

  “If you want to do that, you should leave the trip until Friday. Rob has missed too much school already.”

  “He’s bright. He’ll catch up.”

  “That’s not the point, Ben. Besides, I’ll probably go into the salon Thursday to Saturday. I told you how busy they’ve been.”

  He sighed and put down his mug on the table. “Right. No overnight stay if you say so. But the reason I want us all to go up there is to let you and the children get the feel of the place.”

  “What are you talking about, Ben? I’m from Dublin. It’s in my bones. And it’s not unfamiliar to the children either.”

  “Not Dublin. Howth. The Parrish House, specifically.”

  Now I knew what this was about. His mother’s plan to lure him back was working. I had to remind myself that I intended keeping an open mind about our future. That it was good to see him looking forward.

  “So, Ben, cards on the table. You’re not happy in Paircmoor. You want to move back to Dublin. Your mother’s offer makes it possible now. How am I doing?”