Now and Then

by Mary O'Sullivan

  Yes, it would be fun. And fun was what the whole family needed so badly. And maybe, by next year there would be another little Parrish for Santa to visit.

  I looked back as we drove down the avenue. Della was standing on the top step, a lonely figure. I waved. The children waved. I noticed Ben did not. Maybe it was because he was driving. And maybe not. I didn’t ask and he didn’t say.

  After the magic of the city-centre lights, the children fell sound asleep. So did I.

  I didn’t wake until we were crunching up along the gravelled avenue of Cowslip Cottage.

  CHAPTER FIFTY

  Wednesday 8th December 2010

  I had another lie-in on Wednesday morning. It was as if I was the one recovering from hypothermia and a heart attack while Ben looked after me. I slept right through the children’s breakfast, nor did I hear the front door close and the jeep start up as Ben drove Rob to school. I woke to a kiss on the forehead from Ben and the twins bouncing on the bed.

  “Ben! Has Rob gone to school? You should have woken me!”

  “No. You need the rest. You’re back to the salon tomorrow, aren’t you?”

  “I’d better. It’s been so busy there, Mags and Tina must be exhausted.”

  “I’m sure they could manage for another while if you need them to. You’re looking very pale. Do you think you might be anaemic?”

  I leaned back against my pillows and looked Ben straight in the face. Tried to read his expression. To see a sign that he was asking me if I was pregnant. Did he know? Why else would he ask about anaemia? He was aware I had needed iron supplements to treat anaemia during both of my pregnancies. But no. How could he know? Unless. Unless Della had said something to him. I was certain she knew. And I was just as certain I didn’t want to mention the pregnancy to Ben. Until the time was right.

  “Maybe I am anaemic,” I said. “The doctor took a blood test yesterday.”

  “How is your back?”

  “Much improved, thank you.”

  He clapped his hands to get the twins’ attention.

  “Listen up, you two, we must look after Mom. She’s tired. Deal?”

  The twins jumped into bed, one on either side of me. I cuddled them close to me, kissed Josh on his silky hair, and Anna on her mop of blonde curls. Ben put his hands underneath the duvet and began to tickle their toes. The laughs of the twins were loud enough to raise the ghosts of the workhouse from their rest. Ben and I looked at each other and shared the acknowledgement that here was another precious moment we would remember when we were old, and the twins grown. I filed it away with the other treasured memories, like when Rob took his first step, the first scan of the twins.

  Ben took the twins to the kitchen to get my breakfast ready while I reluctantly got out of bed to face the day. I was conflicted about going back to work. It was good that the salon was busy. Hopefully the increased business would continue, at least until Christmas, to tide us over that expensive season. And after Christmas? Who knew? The increased custom was most likely driven by curiosity about Ben’s brush with death. A form of onlookers at a roadside crash, with the added benefit of a hairdo thrown in. And how ungrateful was I? People in Paircmoor had been very kind and genuinely concerned. And yet, as I showered and dressed, I wished with all my heart that I could stay at home with Ben and the children. All we needed was a lotto win. A big one.

  They had made me coffee, boiled egg and toast. The twins had set my place at the table with an array of spoons and two pots of jam. They stood either side of me when I sat.

  “Thank you so much,” I said. “This is beautiful. You’re the best.”

  Ben served up the food and then dressed the twins in their coats and hats. It was a sunny day, but cold.

  “I’ll take them out to the back garden,” he said. “We can keep an eye on them from here.”

  “We fix the tree for Santa,” Anna said and Josh nodded in agreement.

  They ran into the back hall ahead of Ben. I went to the window and watched as they began to pull bits of weeds and drape them on the tree. Ben was issuing instructions I could not hear, but I knew he would be warning them to stay in the play area, not to go near the stone wall, and no fighting. I hoped that someday my children would realise how lucky they were to have such a loving father.

  I sat back down at the table and thought about the advice Della had given me to forget about my father. My absent father. The man who had rejected Mam and me. Maybe she was right. Why would I want to know about him? I didn’t need him. And Mam had her reasons for not wanting me to know. That’s what frightened me. What had she been trying to protect me from? Was he violent? Criminal?

  “Hey! I slaved over that egg and you’re letting it go cold.”

  I started as Ben came back into the kitchen.

  “Sorry,” I said. “I was just thinking about your mother.”

  “Good or bad thoughts?”

  “Good actually. I enjoyed yesterday. It was my first time really seeing the house. You were so lucky to have been reared there.”

  “Was I?”

  “Well, of course! It’s a beautiful house.”

  “Now you said it. It was a house. Space for all of us to live our separate lives. Enough scope for loneliness and isolation.”

  He was standing at the counter, pouring a coffee for himself.

  “Do you want a top-up?” he asked me.

  I shook my head. I was aware that this could be a breakthrough moment. That Ben might truly open up about the depression which had plagued his teens.

  “Come and sit down, Ben. Tell me all about when you were young. You know, until quite recently all I’ve had was the sanitised, privileged upbringing version. I envied you.”

  He remained standing, looking out the window at the twins as they played.

  “I explained the family dynamic to you before, Leah. Dad had Hugh. Mum had Dad. I’m not sure you understood how difficult that was for me. I had my books and sketches. I even had a few friends until I reached my mid-teens. But then, when all hell broke loose inside my head, all I had left was an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness. Self-hatred. Failure. And that house which became a prison.”

  I stood up and walked over to the counter to stand beside him. I slipped my arm around him as we both looked out on our children playing happily together. I was confused. Yesterday, I been convinced that Ben was happy to be in Howth. So much so that I was considering moving the family back there for his sake.

  “But yesterday –”

  He interrupted straight away.

  “Do you remember I said I had met Garry Walton?”

  “The prick, as you always used to call him when ye worked together.”

  “Exactly. He’s even prickier now. It turns out Mum told him about my – my misadventure in the cave. She had also asked him for a job for me. Completely without my knowledge or permission. He rejected me. The reason being, he explained, that my skill set wouldn’t fit with their ‘current profile’.”

  “Oh, the prat!”

  “Yes. Thanks to my mother’s interference, I had to stand there and suffer the sneers of that scumbag. It was utterly humiliating.”

  “But your mother meant well, Ben. She was just looking out for you.”

  He took a step away from me.

  “She was, as always, trying to control me, Leah. You saw her reaction when I told her I had met Garry Walton. She was cool as ice. Not a trace of guilt or remorse that she had gone behind my back. Not a hint of an apology for telling Garry Walton my private business.”

  I nodded. No denying that. Della had more or less shrugged off the mention of the Waltons.

  “So what are you saying, Ben? I’m confused now. I thought what you wanted was to move back to Dublin.”

  “Just because I don’t want to be in Paircmoor, doesn’t mean I want to go back to Howth. And yes, The Parrish House is a substantial property in a lovely area. A good place for the kids to live. But the personal price is too high as far as I’m concerned.�
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  “It’s your inheritance, Ben, even if you’re getting it early. She’s gifting it to you.”

  His eyes were glittering with either anger or tears. I wasn’t sure which.

  “You don’t understand, Leah. I can’t go back there. It would be like reliving my childhood over again. And the nightmare of my teens. Letting her make decisions for me. For the children. For you. Never knowing what secrets she was keeping or how she was manipulating us behind the scenes. Anyway, I thought what you wanted was to stay here.”

  “What I want, Ben, is for you and the children to be happy and safe. And despite what you think, that’s what your mother wants too. I know now you’ve never settled here. And I do realise it’s fantastic for the children but, looking to their future, as you say, we may need to move to a city with secondary schools and a university. Better employment prospects for you too.”

  He wrapped his arms around me. I leaned my face against his chest and felt the warmth from his body and the steady beat of his heart.

  “I’m sorry, Leah. Sorry to have put you through so much. Sorry that I can’t support you and the children. Sorry I’m not the husband you deserve or the father the children should have.”

  I placed my fingers gently on his lips to silence him and tightened my arms around him as we held each other close.

  “I love you, Ben Parrish,” I muttered into his chest.

  “Oh, bloody hell!” Ben yelled.

  He pushed me away from him and ran out the back door. I ran after him and almost tripped over the mat in my hurry. Ben was racing towards the ditch, where Anna was balanced on the top of the stone wall and Josh was clambering up after her. I looked at them in horror, knowing that the four-foot-high structure was unstable. It was a dry-stone wall, constructed many years ago without the use of mortar. Securing it had been on our to-do list for a long time. Anna swayed as stones under her feet began to shift. In one long stride, Ben reached the wall, grabbed a twin in each arm and stepped back just as a section of the wall collapsed in a heap of dislodged stones.

  Anna began to cry. I ran to her. She was snuggled into Ben’s shoulder, her little body racked by sobs.

  “I sorry I broke the stones, Daddy.”

  “Me sorry too,” Josh said, crying in sympathy with his sister.

  Ben rocked both of them in his arms, holding them tightly.

  I joined them and mouthed a thank-you to him.

  He smiled at me over their heads.

  “You know I’d never let them come to harm,” he said. “I’ll always protect them.”

  I smiled back at him, secure in the knowledge that wherever the future led, Ben would be there to wrap his strong arms around us all.

  I rang Mags. Yes, the salon was very busy and, yes, they could do with extra help tomorrow.

  “The organised people are getting their Christmas cut and colour now. We’ll be delighted to see you tomorrow. You’ll need to stock up on products too.”

  I rang off, promising to go in early in the morning to get orders organised. I was delighted that the salon was continuing to build custom, but I was also disappointed that Mags did not suggest that I take the rest of the week off. I would miss Ben and the children so much. I could have told her I was taking the extra few days off – but needs must. I might have to keep Mags on-side and the salon going for a long time yet. A move to Howth looked like it was firmly off the cards.

  Ben had put the twins down for a nap. I checked the fridge and cupboards. We were fairly low in basics. I would need to stock up for the next few days. Back to the old routine of cooking dinners the night before because I would be too exhausted to cook when I came home and the children would be too tired to eat by the time it would be ready. I had to tell myself I was lucky to have this source of income. Doubly lucky not to have to pay a mortgage. And yet, as I wrote the shopping list, I felt anything but lucky.

  I put the list on the counter and tiptoed down to the twins’ room. Awake, Anna was a little madam, full of confidence. Asleep, she was a vulnerable baby. And Josh, happy-go-lucky, loyal Josh, was like a cherub as he slept. They were so beautiful, so precious, that I felt a lump in my throat that could only be tears. These babies, and Rob, already starting on the road to independence, were the best of Ben and me. It made me sad to have to miss any minute of their growing up. I closed the door softly behind me and went back to my grocery list.

  Ben was in his office. He said he had a few emails to sort out. I thought of the anti-depressant bottles locked into his drawer. I should have taken them away. Flushed them down the loo. But then, that was what Della did, wasn’t it? Controlled him. Made decisions for him. Still, I must make sure that he went to see the GP next week.

  I had lunch almost ready by the time Ben came back into the kitchen.

  “Did you hear the news?” I asked. “Evelyn Thurley didn’t need our votes. She won the presidency by a landslide.”

  “Good on her. But we should make sure we’re registered for the next election.”

  As he pulled out a stool from underneath the counter, he noticed the grocery list.

  “How about we all go to collect Rob after school. Then we’ll go to town to shop. We’ll have tea out because it’s your last day before going back to work. And it’s my treat.”

  I wasn’t about to argue. Yes, it would be an extra expense, but the salon was bringing in more money. I appreciated the fact that he sensed tomorrow would be hard for me. I hugged him.

  “That sounds good, Ben. Did you know there’s a nice little park near the hospital? I went there a few times when you were in. Just to get a breath of air. I wonder why they keep hospitals so warm.”

  “To knock all the patients out. They’re easier to manage when they’re asleep. Just like the twins.”

  We both laughed and my heart sang. Ben Parrish was smiling, laughing. Being the man I had fallen in love with so long ago.

  “If you take the children to the play area in the park, I can get through the shopping quickly. Then we can decide where to go for tea. Okay with you, Ben?”

  He nodded then glanced at the clock.

  “Look at the time! I’ll wake the two mini demolition experts while you finish getting lunch ready. Then we’ll collect our little professor and hit the town. Finally scotch the rumour that I died in the cave last week.”

  I wasn’t sure that I appreciated his black humour, but I loved his laugh. I felt myself swept up in the energy he exuded.

  Life was good for the Parrishes of Paircmoor as we collected Rob from school and headed off to town.

  CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

  I dropped Ben and the children off at the park in town, and made my way to the shopping mall. Luckily the supermarket was quiet, so I got through the shopping quickly. I packed the groceries in the boot and returned the trolley to the bay.

  On impulse, I went back into the mall. It was a fine evening, with about another hour of daylight left. The children would be enjoying themselves in the park. I had noticed a new pop-up shop in the mall, a riot of tinsel, glitter and everything Christmassy. It would be a good place to pick up a few surprise presents for Christmas morning.

  I bought three big Christmas stockings, and a handful of glittery things to put into them – a bracelet for Anna, a plastic hammer and saw for Josh and fancy pencils and pencil case for Rob. Stereotyping maybe, but I knew these were the things they would treasure more than the expensive toys. I would put them in with the groceries and hide them in the old shed tonight before I went to bed.

  I parked in the hospital grounds. It felt so good to look up at the first floor, to the window of Room 5, and to know that, for us, the nightmare was over. It wasn’t that I was fooling myself. I knew there was a long road ahead, of talking, possibly medication, certainly counselling. Not just for Ben, but for the two of us. We both had childhood issues to deal with. Both obviously had problems communicating. It was beyond belief that we had lived together for over six years, had three children, and a fourth on way, and still
we nurtured secrets. I had not yet told Ben about my pregnancy. And what was it he had not yet told me? I had no idea but I did believe there was something. I turned my back on the hospital, certain of only one thing. Ben and I loved each other and we would work through our problems in time.

  I walked to the park, stopping for a moment by the wooden bench under the oak tree. So recently my place of refuge from the hospital. Litter was still strewn about, but the despair I had felt when I had last sat there was gone. I stood for a while at the entrance to the playground and watched the children play. The twins were on the low swings, Ben behind them, pushing each in turn. Anna, of course, was swinging highest. I smiled. Josh was swinging along at his own pace, smiling. I admired his ability to live in the moment, to suck every ounce of enjoyment out of life. Rob was on the climbing frame, standing up on the platform on top, chatting to another boy. They could have been two old men standing at a bar counter, shooting the breeze. I wondered what they were talking about. No doubt about it, school was benefitting Rob greatly as far as his social development was concerned. It was so good to see him make a new friend. I was conscious of baby number four, nestling inside me. Boy? Girl? Feisty? Playful? Born. That’s all it needed to be.

  Ben looked up and saw me. He waved and smiled. Twee, I know, but I did get a tickle in my tummy, a skip of my heartbeat. I waved back and went in to them.

  Dusk had fallen and street lighting had kicked in by the time we got to the restaurant. There was much discussion about the menu until eventually we all decided to have chicken and chips. I asked Rob about his new friend.

  “He’s not new. Elliot’s my friend in school. His mom’s my teacher.”

  “Oh! Miss Tracey has a son?”

  “Yes. But his dad lives in the town, so he spends some time here too.”

  “I see. Why don’t you invite Elliot to come out to Cowslip Cottage to play with you sometime?”