by Aston, Alexa
She squeezed it gently and he moaned. “I told you I want all of you, Desmond Bretton. That. Means. All.”
He kissed her, hard and demanding, almost making her forget she held on to him.
Anna broke the kiss. “I will not be satisfied until we join together.”
She began stroking him and he let her. His breathing grew harsh. His face almost pained.
“All right,” he said roughly.
She released her hold on him, glad to claim victory.
“This will hurt,” he warned. “It does the first time. Never after that.”
“I don’t care,” she told him, knowing it would be the only time but happy to suffer whatever pain there was in order to make him happy.
His fingers teased her again, building her anticipation again, and then he pushed into her swiftly. The pain wasn’t as bad as he had said. She had suffered far worse under Fiend and Matron. Anna wrapped her arms about him.
“Are you . . . did I hurt you much?” he asked.
“I am fine.” To show him, she moved against him—and it felt divine.
“You are more than fine,” he growled, kissing her. “You are perfect.”
Dez began moving in and out. Instinctively, Anna rose to meet him. Their dance of love went from slow to frenzied. In the end, they both cried aloud, having reached a plain of heaven.
Afterward, she lay nestled in his arms, a drowsiness coming over her. He stroked her arm.
“I am glad you felt safe enough with me to make love,” he said.
“You have always made me feel safe, Dez. From the time we were children. When I climbed a tree, I knew you were below me and would catch me if I fell. When I swam to the center of the lake, I knew if I tired, you would never let me drown. You have always been my safe haven, Dez, even at the asylum. I would think of you and all the bad things would fall away.”
He kissed her brow. “I love you so much, Anna. When I thought you were dead, a part of me died. Now that I have found you again, I feel whole and complete.” He hesitated. “I know it seems soon, with everything you have undergone, but when you are ready I want to wed you.”
Anna knew this moment had been coming. She steeled herself, determined to not give in to him, no matter how persuasive he tried to be.
“I don’t ever plan to wed, Dez.”
She sensed him tense. “Never? But . . . I thought you trusted me.”
“I do. I always will.”
“Is this because of the time you spent at Gollingham?” he demanded. “You are not to blame for that, Anna. You are a person of worth. I do not judge you for your time there.”
“I can never marry,” she insisted softly, knowing others would judge her—and him. She couldn’t allow this wonderful man to be sucked into the vortex that would surround her, dragging him down with her. She loved him too much to see him hurt and ostracized by the ton.
Dez released her and sat up. “I never would have made love to you if I thought we wouldn’t wed. I would never have compromised you.”
She captured his hand and brought it to her lips, kissing it tenderly. “I appreciate all you have done for me. You saved me, Dez, but I cannot commit to you in that way.”
Anna saw the hurt in his eyes. Hurt she had put there. She understood he would hurt for some time over her decision but, in the long run, he would thank her for allowing him to get on with his life. He could create a new one for himself, away from the war, now that he was the earl. He would wed. Have children. Find happiness. It was the thought of Dez being happy and fulfilled that made her push him away so hard now.
His gaze searched hers. “Are you certain, Anna? Certain this is what you truly want?”
“I am.”
Without a word, he moved from the bed, collecting his clothes. He left the bedchamber, closing the door quietly behind him. She didn’t move. If she did, she might rush after him. Hurl herself at him. Tell him she had made a mistake and that he should forget everything she had just said.
After some minutes, Anna rose and washed away all traces of Dez. She dressed. Combed her hair. Left the bedchamber.
Dez was already dressed himself, looking immaculate and handsome and stoic.
“Are you hungry?” he asked, his eyes not meeting hers.
“Yes,” she responded, having no appetite but not wanting him to blame himself for that.
They prepared the dinner Coral had left for them, placing items on plates and sitting at the table in silence. She forced down as much as she could, her throat so tight with emotion that it hurt to swallow. Together, they cleared the remnants of the meal and washed and dried the few dishes.
Dez broke the silence. “I am going for a walk.”
He left the cottage and Anna couldn’t help herself. She followed him at a distance, worried about his state of mind. He went down to the lake and stood surveying it for a long time. Finally, he began shedding his clothes until he was naked. She couldn’t help but admire the figure he cut. She loved his body. She had loved what he had done with it to her. She loved him. But she also knew she was doing what was best for him. Freeing him from the burden of her would be the greatest gift Anna could ever give him.
He swam, his strokes long, far across the water. She watched and waited until he finally headed back toward shore and began wading in. Knowing he was safe, she left the hiding place behind a large oak and hurried back to the cottage. She climbed into bed, her clothes still on, and pulled the bedclothes up, closing her eyes and pretending she was asleep.
Dez never entered the bedchamber, though. Her head—and heart—began to ache, knowing the hurt she had caused him. Silent tears streamed down her cheeks until she finally fell asleep.
Chapter Eighteen
Anna awoke, her belly aching and her head pounding. She reached out and found no one beside her. She had forced a break between her and Dez yet she didn’t know if she would be able to survive it. She reminded herself of what she had told him. That she was strong beyond measure. She would be resolute and endure whatever she must in order to free him. He didn’t understand now the favor she did for him but he would in time. Perhaps one day, they might once more be friends.
And she would always have the memories of their time together.
She readied herself for the day, knowing she would be seeing Jessa and her cousin. The last time she had seen Tom they had both been children. Her father and his had some falling out and the two families had lost contact. She had wondered why but Mama had told her never to bring it up. As she matured, Anna believed it had to do with the fact Papa was disappointed and frustrated that Mama had not produced an heir for him and that his brother’s son would become the next Lord Shelton.
Going into the other room, she saw Dez sitting at the table. He greeted her with the utmost politeness and offered her tea. She hated the stiffness between them but knew she couldn’t encourage him. It would be wrong to give him hope only to dash those hopes again.
Coral arrived and it was obvious he sensed the gulf between them. He opened the basket he brought, setting down poached eggs and a rasher of ham, along with sliced berries and cream.
“Are you doing well today, my lady?” the valet asked after Dez excused himself and left the cottage.
“Yes, Coral, I am very well. In fact, I will be returning to my home with my cousin when he calls upon me today.”
The servant’s eyes widened in surprise and she added, “You’d best take Daisy home with you when you leave.”
He nodded, sadness shadowing his face.
“Will you look after Lord Torrington for me?” she asked. “He will need you.”
“Of course, my lady,” the valet agreed. “It is my responsibility to do so.”
She met his gaze. “You know what I mean, Coral. He may be saddened by my departure. I only want the best for him.”
“I see. Never fear, my lady. I will look after him to the best of my ability.”
“Thank you, Coral.”
The servant left a
nd Anna found she couldn’t eat anything. Dez had left his breakfast untouched and she didn’t think he would return for it. So she cleaned up and then settled into a chair, waiting for her sister and cousin to arrive. She had chosen a pale yellow gown the color of sunshine and hoped it didn’t hang on her too much.
She heard noise in the clearing and went to the door. Opening it, she saw Dez helping a woman dismount and then shaking the hand of the other rider. Her throat closed up with emotion as the woman turned.
Jessa . . .
Her sister had been only six years old when Anna had been removed from Shelton Park. Now, she was a young woman, fully matured. Her golden hair was piled high atop her head, little wisps of curls escaping to frame her face. She was tall, with a tiny waist. Love swelled within Anna.
“Jessa!” she cried at the same time her sister called Anna’s name.
They rushed to one another, falling into each other’s arms, tears of joy flowing. Anna clung to her sister for a moment and then pulled away to see her.
“You grew up!” she exclaimed. “You are so beautiful, Jessa. Or should I call you Jessica?”
The two women laughed. Her sister had been given the name Jessica but she had trouble saying it when she began to speak. It had come out Jessa and Anna and her mother had begun calling her that.
“I am still Jessa. Only Papa referred to me as Jessica and that was rare.” She paused. “You know how it was. He had no use for a female. I think he often forgot I was around. My governess did her best to keep me out of his way.”
Anna smoothed Jessa’s hair. “I am sorry I missed seeing you grow up. Why, you must be eighteen now. Old enough to make your come-out.”
“I will do so next Season. Papa died three months ago, else I would have done so this year.”
She hugged her sister again. “We have much to catch up on.” She released her sister and turned toward her cousin. “Tom. How very glad I am to see you after all these years.”
The new Lord Shelton embraced her and then said, “I am happy to see you looking so bright-eyed and lively, Anna.”
She took his hands. “I am sure I was a fright when you arrived at Gollingham.” She squeezed them. “Thank you for bringing me from that place of horror, Tom.”
Her cousin looked at Dez. “It was Torrington’s forcefulness that helped remove you from the asylum, Cousin. Legally, I had the power to do so since I am now head of our family but this man should receive the credit for the way he stood up to Dr. Cheshire.”
Anna thought if given the chance she could easily kill Fiend for all that he had put her and the other patients through. She refrained from saying so, aware she would always need to watch what she said in the future, knowing others would tread lightly around her. Even teasing might be misconstrued and she wanted to be above reproach. She didn’t want the situation to color Jessa’s chances of making a match.
The sunshine suddenly seemed too bright. Anna felt herself tiring and needed to sit. Or perhaps it as the penetrating look that Dez gave her which she avoided.
“I have also expressed my appreciation to Dez,” she told Tom, her voice a little unsteady. “Would you and Jessa like to come in?”
Her sister linked her arm through Anna’s and they strolled toward the cottage and entered it. Anna felt relieved to be out of the warm day and went to sit on the settee. Dez and Tom followed them inside.
“It’s a bit rustic but we can offer you some tea,” she told their visitors.
“No, we don’t need anything,” Jessa said. “I am just thrilled to be sitting next to you. Oh, Anna, you don’t know how awful it was to think you were dead all these years. And to now find you alive.” She paused. “What was the asylum like?”
Anna stiffened. Though she heard the concern in Jessa’s voice and knew she meant no harm by her question, it left her speechless.
“Jessa, Gollingham is something Anna must put behind her,” Dez said gently, speaking up for Anna. “Although you are Anna’s sister and love her, you must understand that she may never be able to talk about the horrible time she spent there. She needs to put it firmly in her past—and look to her present.”
She nodded, her eyes conveying her gratitude to him. “Dez is right.” Echoing his words to her, she said to Jessa, “I am a person of worth. I can’t blame myself for Papa’s actions.”
Jessa threw her arms around Anna. “Oh, I am so sorry. It was thoughtless of me to force you to talk about it.” She pulled away. “Tom was so worried when he arrived at Shelton Park but other than you looking pale and thin, you seem like the old Anna. My Anna.”
Anna knew she would never be that young woman again. She could never erase what Fiend and Matron had done to her. What she could do is not let them rule any of her life. She was responsible for herself now. She was alive and outside the asylum and free. That was what was important.
“Tell me of home. Of our tenants. Of what you did growing up,” she encouraged. “You and Tom.”
Jessa and Tom took turns talking of the years Anna had missed, with Tom finishing up by telling them of his recent marriage after last Season.
“I wanted to bring my wife today to meet you but I did not want to overwhelm you. She is eager to meet you, though.” He smiled. “I think the two of you will get along splendidly.”
Dez cleared his throat. “I know I was the one to cease talk of Gollingham but I do have a question for you, Anna.”
She braced herself, not wanting to be dragged back into that quagmire. “What?” she asked tersely.
“Did you know a Lady Jergens while you were there?”
“I know who she is. We would surreptitiously share our names upon arrival but I know little about her or any of the other patients. Why they were brought there.” She paused. “You recall the circumstances.”
She saw he remembered how the patients sat in silence for hours, physically close to one another yet so very far apart.
“I believe I can help free Lady Jergens,” he said quietly.
“How?” she asked. “You have no legal authority over her.”
“She spoke to Shelton and me briefly before she was led away.”
Fear quickened in her belly, knowing what the consequences would have been for the woman by having spoken to an outsider.
“I mean to help her,” Dez said. “She was placed at the asylum by her husband but she revealed they had not consummated the marriage. That legal technicality would be grounds for an annulment, I believe. Her father would be the one responsible for her. Not Lord Jergens.”
He pushed a hand through his hair. “Even if it’s just the one, I will move heaven and earth to get her out from under Cheshire’s grasp.”
Anna felt her heart burst with new love for him. “You are a knight in shining armor, Dez. I hope you can save as many as you can.”
She watched him as he considered her words.
“Perhaps you are right, Anna. There may be more that I can do.”
Silence blanketed the room and then Jessa said brightly, “I heard you rode yesterday. That man, Coral, told us you did. You used to be so fond of riding, Anna. How was it?”
The talk turned to horses and how much she had enjoyed riding Daisy.
“I plan to ride every day now that I can,” she declared.
“I told you I would make my come-out next year,” Jessa said. “Will you be home by then Anna? Would you come to London and help me?”
It had been so long since she had made her own come-out. Just a few, brief weeks before she and Dez had made for Scotland.
“The ton thinks I am dead,” she said flatly. “If I show up, half of Polite Society would be struck with apoplexy. No, Jessa, I plan to remain in the country.” She looked to her cousin. “In fact, if you will allow it, Tom, I would like to go home with you today.”
Dez shot to his feet. Anna watched as he started to protest and then said, “You must do what you feel is best, Anna.”
She knew her words had wounded him to his core but that
he was gentleman enough to let her go.
“I do think returning to my family and Shelton Park is the right thing to do,” she said.
“We would be delighted to have you back at home, Anna,” Tom said.
Anna focused on Dez, who now sat. “Would you mind if I took Dalinda’s clothes with me? Looking at Jessa, she is far taller than I am. If I borrowed any gowns from her, they would drag the floor.”
“They are yours,” Dez said. “Dalinda hasn’t worn them in over a decade. She would be glad that you are getting some use out of them.”
Jessa took Anna’s hand. “Oh, you will get new gowns, Anna, once we fatten you up. It will be fun choosing fabrics, won’t it? Why, we can even start thinking about what gowns I will need for my own come-out.”
As Jessa prattled on, Anna could feel Dez slowly withdrawing. She met his eyes and his look told her that he understood.
“Shall we leave then?” she asked. “Give me a few minutes in which to pack.”
“I can help you,” Jessa volunteered and the two sisters went into the bedchamber.
Anna showed her the valises and they made quick work of placing the borrowed gowns inside them.
Returning to the other room, Dez offered to collect the luggage and disappeared.
Tom said, “The carriage is nearby. We couldn’t bring it all the way to the cottage.”
Dez entered with the suitcases in hand. Tom took one and they set out for the carriage, reaching it after a few minutes’ walk. A footman handed her inside the vehicle and Jessa and Tom joined her.
“Goodbye, Dez,” she said, doing her best to keep her face void of emotion.
“Goodbye, Anna,” he replied. He looked as if he wished to say more but glanced away.
As the carriage started up, Anna couldn’t look back though she longed for a last glance at him. She thought if she did, she might turn to a pillar of salt as Lot’s wife did.
Anna hoped he would have the strength and courage to move forward. As far as she was concerned, Dez Bretton would always have her heart.
Chapter Nineteen
