HeartLess

by Love, Kristy

  I fought back a laugh. “Move on? You’ve been it for me for as long as I can remember. You were my first crush, Nash. I’m not leaving you until you pry my cold, dead hands off you.” I smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

  “Six months is a long time and we both know how much things can change in just a few months.” I knew what he was talking about. Stacy. I hated that she sometimes hung in the air around us. “And we only just got together. It feels wrong to leave you.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I’ll be here waiting with open arms when you get back.” I cradled his cheek in my palm and he pressed deeper into my touch, his eyes closing. I hated pushing him to do this because I wanted to tell him to stay. It would be so easy to be selfish, but it would hurt more in the long run. It would hurt Nash, Felix, and, eventually, me.

  “I wish I had told you how I felt long before now, so we’d have more than a few stolen weeks before everything changes. I wish I’d taken you in my arms the first time I thought about kissing you and made it official then. I was too much of a chicken shit to do anything, I was so afraid to break us.”

  “You can’t rewrite history. What happened, happened. I’m just glad we’re here now.” I crawled closer to him until I was in his lap, enveloping him in my arms. I knew he was hurting and I wanted it to stop.

  “You know I care about you, right?” he whispered into my hair.

  “I do.” I kissed his cheek before taking his face in my hands. Sometimes it was hard to believe that he felt this way about me. I struggled with insecurity that I wasn’t enough, that I’d never be enough. Sometimes when he didn’t answer a text as quickly as usual or I saw him talking to another girl in the hall, self-doubt strangled me. I tried to keep these thoughts at bay, but it was hard. If you weren’t enough for the people who gave you life, it was really hard to believe you’d ever be enough for anyone else.

  “It’s okay, Bee,” he whispered. Somehow, he knew I was struggling in this moment. He swallowed and pressed his lips together, like he was gathering strength. “I love you. I really, really do. I know we haven’t been together very long, but I’ve loved you for a long time.”

  My heart squeezed painfully in my chest and it was hard to breathe for a second. I blinked rapidly, trying to digest his words. This moment felt too precious to leave anything left unsaid, because things could change at any moment. He was leaving soon, and I wouldn’t see him for a long time. I needed to make sure I put everything out there. “I love you, Nash.”

  He tackled me to the ground, kissing me with everything in his body. He pressed himself into me and I couldn’t keep up with the movement of his lips and his hands. He’d kiss my lips furiously, then kiss across my face and down to my jaw before coming back to my lips. It was like he wanted to taste me, to sample and feel the flavor of my love. I let him take what he needed, all the kisses and tastes he could possibly want because I was taking what I needed from him.

  I needed to feel him, here in this moment. I wanted his weight and his need and his heat.

  All too soon, he pulled his lips from mine and groaned. “Was it supposed to be easier for me? To leave once I knew you loved me?”

  “No. Because you’re leaving. You have to go, Nash. Too many people are relying on you. You’re relying on you. You know you’ll regret it if you stay here.”

  “I’ll regret missing this even more,” he quipped, leaning down and kissing me.

  “I’m not going anywhere. I’m delightfully boring.”

  “Whoever said that seriously needs kicked in the balls.” He lowered down on top of me until our lips were brushing together with each word. I wondered if he needed the connection as much as I did.

  “I believe it was you who said it.” I smiled at him.

  “I would never say anything so unbelievably false. I find you intoxicating to be around and nothing short of a riot.” He tried hard to suppress a grin. I felt his serious and somber mood washing away like the tide.

  I pushed against him and he sat up. “Why are you so ridiculous?”

  “Would you really want me any other way?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never had you another way.” I stuck my tongue out at him. He scooped me up in his arms and kissed my cheek.

  A moment that had seemed insignificant had blossomed into a moment I’d never forget. It was the moment I knew I had Nash’s heart and he had mine. We felt invisible and indestructible. I felt like we could conquer anything as long as we had each other. Distance and time wouldn’t change what we had because we’d had it, in one form or another, for as long as I could remember.

  We walked down the hill to Nash’s car, hand in hand, both of us smiling wildly and stealing kisses every few feet.

  * * *

  Ping.

  When it came again, I climbed out of bed and looked out the window, seeing Nash standing in my front yard. I stumbled over my own feet as I rushed down to the front door, throwing it open and myself into his arms. I had only seen him a few hours before when he’d dropped me off after the movie, but it felt like too long.

  “I know it’s late, but I needed to see you.” He ran a hand through his hair, seeming upset. “I laid in bed, tossing and turning. It feels like a waste of time to be anywhere but with you right now.”

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” I whispered. I leaned up and kissed him. I held the back of his head to me, not giving him the option to pull away. I didn’t want him to pull away. I wanted to be absorbed into his skin, so he could take me with him. I grabbed his hand and led him inside, closing and locking the door behind him. I pulled him behind me, up the stairs and into my bedroom. My door shut with a faint click. The world was silent and still and it was just the two of us. There wasn’t any practice to get to or parents to pop in. There weren’t friends that needed attention or obligations. “I just want to lay with you a while.” He nodded and toed his shoes off. He climbed onto my bed and I followed him. I curved my body around him, my head resting against him. His fingers played in my hair and he sighed.

  “What am I going to do when you’re not so close? When I can’t just stop in and see you like this?” His voice was low and quiet. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to hear him or not.

  “You’ll be busy, living the life you’ve always wanted.”

  “What if I want you, Bee? What if this is enough?”

  I leaned up on an elbow, cradled his face in my hand. “It’s not enough. You’re destined for greater things, Nash James. You’ve always been destined for more.” I kissed him. It wasn’t hungry and devouring the way our kisses so often ended up, it was more of a comfort, an I’m here kind of kiss.

  “You’re my greater thing,” he mumbled against my lips.

  And then we were lost in a tangle of limbs and clothes and hands and tongues. I touched him everywhere I possibly could. My lips and tongue tasted the warm flesh along his neck. I wanted to memorize the way his skin tasted and how his body felt against mine. I wanted to be able to lie in bed and put my fingers to my lips and feel him against them.

  Nash’s hands skimmed over clothing before pulling them off. His hands stroked over my bare skin, then danced through my hair. There was no rush, no immediacy. There was only the here and now, him and me, us.

  “I never want to leave you,” he said as his tongue traced delicious patterns across my belly. I felt every lick of his tongue on every nerve ending in my body. His fingers hadn’t gone too far, mostly to my shoulders and my stomach, but it felt indecent in so many ways. I was lying naked next to Nash. He was down to his boxer briefs. His skin pressed against my skin and the friction was heaven. My body felt tight and hot and empty. I wanted him to keep touching me, kissing me, tasting me.

  It felt like we were hitting fast forward on our relationship, skipping over dates and milestones, but it was necessary. It felt necessary. We’d wasted so much time already and we didn’t have a second to spare. I wanted everything with Nash, every first, and it had to be now. Who knew what the futur
e held, but there was now. This minute held Nash. And I was going to take advantage of everything he was willing to give me.

  My hands wove through his hair. “You’re not leaving me. You’ll always be here, even when you’re not. You’re part of my heart, my soul, my very being.”

  He seemed to like that answer because he growled softly in the back of his throat and pulled me closer. His fingers traced the curve of my side to the swell of my hip. Goose bumps rushed across my skin and I panted. I wanted more. I wanted him to touch the part of me that felt empty and aching. He ran his palm flat against my right breast and my back arched off the bed. He’d touched me there before, but not like this. Not in such a commanding way. When his head dipped down to join his hands, my body turned electric. The aching need I felt grew painful. He chuckled against my skin and I closed my eyes. Every movement, every caress felt larger than life.

  “Impatient, Bee?” he teased before running his tongue across my nipple again. My hands fisted in his hair. I couldn’t even answer. Every cell of my body was focused on his tongue as it moved lower, across my belly. Then he was nuzzling my hip and, oh, God, his fingers dipped even lower, touching the part of me that had been dying for attention. He watched my face as his fingers stroked and toyed with me. My hips jerked against his hand. I couldn’t control any part of me. I grabbed at him, both trying to pull him closer and push him away. He crawled down lower until his lips and tongue brushed where his fingers had been. A strangled yelp passed through my lips.

  Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

  I’d never felt this before, I’d never experienced this before. His fingers were inside me, his tongue circling around me. My feet dug into my bed as I pushed myself into his face. My legs clamped around his head. I unwound against him, riding the pulses and electricity that had ignited in my blood. I swear, my vision turned black for a few seconds as I struggled to catch my breath. He crawled up and laid next to me, clearly still aroused. I drifted in the sea of my feelings for a bit before turning to him. I kissed the corner of his mouth, too shy to full on kiss him. There was something so intimate about the thought of tasting myself on him.

  “Nash.” I reached for him, touching him. He hissed out a breath, and his own body bowed off the bed. I smiled, liking that I could make him feel good, especially after he’d made me feel so amazing. I continued stroking and teasing him before my own clumsy, fumbling hands brought Nash to the same edge and he dove off, his face something of pure beauty. Everything that had led to this moment was worth it for this quick glimpse at his face. It was like all the stress, the worry, drained from his body as he sagged against me, panting.

  Before long, he fell asleep, his body heavy. His head was on my chest, his arm draped around my waist, his leg covering mine. I traced my fingers along his spine, reveling in the moment, in the way he felt against me and with me. For a few brief moments, it was like the clock was no longer ticking rapidly. It’d paused, just for a few fleeting minutes, and let us have this. This experience of togetherness and rightness and tenderness. I kissed the top of his head, taking in the scent of Nash. I reached for my phone and set the alarm for before my parents woke up, so they wouldn’t catch him here, and I fell asleep. My entire world in my arms.

  I woke with a start and reached my hand across the bed. The blankets were cold where Nash’s body had been heating them, my skin covered in goose bumps from the chilly air, my body hollow where it missed him. I silently got up and put my pajamas back on before climbing back into bed, burying myself in the blankets.

  I missed him already.

  Chapter 10

  Sleep gripped me, lulling my eyes shut when I heard the first ping against my window. I’d gone from almost asleep to fully awake in the span of a split second, knowing it was Nash. I didn’t need any other indication than the small pebble hitting my window. Jumping from the bed, I rushed down to the front door, skirting around all the stairs that creaked or spots on the floor that groaned with any weight. I carefully opened the door and pulled Nash in, not wanting to speak. Something about us sneaking around in the cover of night was exhilarating. These moments, stolen and quiet, were ours.

  And tonight was our last night. Tomorrow was the concert, and he was leaving. Leaving. He’d been busy all day typing up loose ends for the tour. After last night, all I’d wanted to do was be with him and explore more of his body, but I couldn’t. Because he had responsibilities, obligations. I felt the distance growing between us, and with it, my insecurities and doubts. He was so busy we could hardly talk at all, let alone spend time together. In fact, until he’d woken me up, I hadn’t thought I’d see him until after the concert tomorrow. It left an aching emptiness in my gut. Maybe I wasn’t enough to keep him interested, maybe the reality of being together wasn’t what he really wanted.

  I pushed all those thoughts away, only wanting to focus on the fact that he was here and now. Back in my room, I flicked the lock and stood there, staring at him. He was in dark jeans and a black shirt with his usual combat boots. His hair was disheveled. He smiled at me, the left side quirking up slightly higher, his dimple prominent. The moonlight highlighted the shadow of it and made it more noticeable.

  I closed the distance between us, conscious of every step, until I was in front of him, looking up at him. He smiled down at me, his baby dimple still present. I pressed up on my toes and kissed it, feeling it against my lips, before parting them and flicking my tongue across it. He groaned painfully and threw his head back, his hand racing through his hair.

  “I never know what to expect from you, and it’s torture.” His voice was strangled.

  I slid my body against him, wrapping my arms around him and resting my head against his chest. “I don’t mean to torture you.” Though I relished in the feeling. I loved knowing I drove him as crazy as he drove me. I wanted him wild and full of lust and want and love.

  “Yes, you do. Which is what makes it even worse… Or better. I don’t even know.” He was a statue, not moving his arms to put them around me or lowering his face to mine. I smiled a secret smile just for me. It was thrilling, knowing I could unnerve him. He’d kissed girls before and, I was sure, slept with girls before, but I hadn’t had him like this. He seemed to unravel before me, waiting for my touch. I wondered if the other girls got to see him this way or if it was just for me. I hoped it was just for me, but I couldn’t chance asking. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to talk much today. We were crazy busy. I hated not being here with you, especially after last night.” He held my face in his hands.

  “I don’t want to focus on that.” I pushed up on my toes. “Kiss me,” I whispered. In a second, his lips were on mine, and his hands were under my shirt. His palms grazed over the pastures of my body, feeling and teasing. My body tingled everywhere, and heat blossomed low in my belly, making me rub against him.

  We stood in the middle of my room, his hands rustling under clothes and my hands weaving through his hair for long seconds. When we pulled away, we were both kiss drunk with swollen lips. I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the bed with me, crawling on top. As soon as I was on my hands and knees, he smacked my butt, sending a thrilling jolt throughout my body and making me clench. A moan escaped from my throat.

  “Bee,” he groaned. His body became stone again as he looked at the ceiling. “You can’t do that. You can’t make those noises and expect me to remain even slightly respectful.” He dragged a hand over his face. “I should leave. This is a bad idea.”

  “No, stay.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him down with me. He followed almost reluctantly. He pulled his combat boots off and put them next to the bed before lying next to me. It wasn’t really next to me since he left as much space between us as my twin bed would allow. I went to him, winding my limbs around him and finding his lips in the dark. I coaxed him out of his reservations with my lips. “Are you okay?”

  “I don’t know what you want me to do. I don’t know what I want you to do. I don’t even know what I’m
doing here right now.” His voice was so strangled and so full of pain. I wanted to ease it for him. My hand found the button of his jeans and undid it. His hand flew to my hand, stilling it. “I just needed to be with you. I couldn’t leave tomorrow without holding you one last night.”

  “I want more, Nash. I want more of you while you’re here, in front of me. I want to be able to touch you and kiss you as much as I want before you’re all over the country and I won’t have the ability to be with you like this.” I sounded so sure of myself that it impressed me. I was sure, I was sure I wanted this with him right now, but that didn’t erase the nervousness I felt. If he wanted to have sex tonight, I wouldn’t stop it. I would probably push it toward that way because it was true, I wanted him. I wanted him at this moment when everything was silent, and the ticking of the clock wasn’t hammering in my skull. I wanted to steal these moments and have them to look back on forever. I wanted to make him feel good, and I wanted him to make me feel good.

  I wanted Nash James to be my first.

  “I don’t want to pressure you.” He kept his hands to himself, and they balled into fists repeatedly.

  “Who do you really think is pressuring who here? I’m practically begging.” I popped up on an elbow, looking down at him. His face was in shadows since my window was behind him, but my eyes were adjusted to the dark. His face was contorted in pain and uncertainty. A thought robbed me of my confidence. “Unless…unless you don’t want to be here? You don’t want me to touch you?”

  “God, Bee,” he exhaled. “I want nothing more than that. I don’t want you to have any regrets. I never want to do something that you’ll look back on and wish you’d never done.”

  “How can I regret anything with you, besides not having enough time?” I ran my fingers over his face and over his jaw until my hand rested against his neck. “I could never ever regret you.”