HeartLess

by Love, Kristy

He pressed his lips to my forehead. “I’m not saying goodbye to you because this isn’t goodbye. This is see you later.”

  I nodded, more hot tears tracking down my cheeks. I wanted to be strong for him, but I didn’t know how. “See you later.” My voice was thick.

  “I love you.” He looked into my eyes like this was the most important thing for me to remember.

  “I love you.”

  He kissed me again, pouring himself into the kiss the way I had earlier. “See you later.” He pulled away, and it felt like I was being ripped in half. I nodded, unable to get words up my raw throat. When he was on the bottom step of the bus, he called back to me, “Six months, eight days!”

  And then he was gone. The busses pulled away, and my knees gave out. Somehow, Peyton and Hazel were beside me. I had no idea when they’d shown up, but they were there, holding me up as my heart drove away.

  Chapter 12

  In some ways, I felt like I was out on the road with Nash. He called me every morning when they arrived in whatever city they were in. I got texts about what they were up to, what sights they were seeing, what food places they were checking out. Some nights, I even fell asleep to the sound of his excited, adrenaline-filled voice as he recounted the show he’d performed that night.

  “They cheered, Bee. They actually cheered for us,” he said after a particularly great show in Texas. “They wanted us to come back out on stage. They wanted us to do an encore!” His breathing was heavy so I could tell he was pacing or walking around, though the bus was moving on to its next destination. I had a map taped to my wall with thumbtacks in each city with tiny flags designating what date they were going to be there.

  “That’s so awesome!”

  “At the last VIP event, people actually came with stuff of ours printed out for us to sign.”

  I loved hearing how enthusiastic he was, and I couldn’t be happier that people were getting on the HeartLess band wagon. They deserved it, all of it. They deserved the cheers, the recognition, the fans. I timed my days by his calls, waiting anxiously for my phone to ring or chirp with a text. Even though I wasn’t there, I felt like I was. He told me everything. And though I missed him like hell, I was so damn happy. His dreams were coming true, and he was allowing me to take part in it.

  “Tell me about home,” he said.

  “Not much to say. Everyone else is at Homecoming tonight.” I twirled a piece of hair between my fingers.

  “Bee, we talked about this,” he said. “You aren’t supposed to stop living while I’m out here.”

  I sighed. “I know. I just… I wanted to talk to you. I miss you so much.”

  “I miss you too,” he responded, his voice soft.

  We left it at that. He knew he wouldn’t change my mind. I’d skipped a couple parties that I was supposed to go to for the chance to talk to Nash. I’d ended up falling asleep with the phone clutched in my hand. He wasn’t able to call that night. We’d fought about it, him upset that I was putting my life on hold for him. Another time, I’d cancelled going to the movies with Peyton because Nash had time to text me. She’d been upset with me, and so had Nash.

  They didn’t understand that I missed him so much. If I had to wait there for him, I would. The chance to talk or text with him was more enticing than anything else I had going on with my life.

  My parents and Peyton tried to keep me as busy as I’d allow them. Even when they got upset with me cancelling plans.

  It all changed with Los Angeles.

  They hadn’t made it to the city yet, but Nash called me one night after a particularly spectacular performance in Seattle.

  “There were record execs tonight, Bee. After the show, they came back and talked to Felix and me. They’re interested in maybe signing us, but they definitely want to help us record some stuff.” The words were jumbled since he spoke so quickly, and I tried desperately to keep up. My heart fluttered in my chest, and I was slightly dizzy.

  “When?”

  “When we get to LA. We have a small break after that show where we’re here for a little over a week, and they scheduled meetings with us to talk about contracts and stuff. They’ve already booked us time in a recording studio.” He was almost yelling at the end, unable to contain his elation. “We’ll have records to sell for the second half of the tour. People will be able to buy our music. Do you know how awesome that is?”

  Of course, I did. It was another opportunity of a lifetime.

  After that, the phone calls and texts became less and less frequent. First, I’d only hear from him in the morning and at night. Then I’d only get a handful of texts during the day. Until, finally, I would get a short: “Sorry. Busy day. Try to call tomorrow” text. Sometimes I’d go a day without hearing his voice, though the longest was a week.

  And each text of mine he didn’t answer? Or when my call was sent to voicemail? The seeds of insecurity would water and grow. They blossomed until I was consumed with thoughts of not being enough. It made sense that Nash would leave, even though I’d encouraged him to do so because no one wanted to stay around for me unless it was an obligation. My parents only stayed because they had to raise me. Peyton stayed my friend because she hadn’t found anyone better.

  My whole world had crumbled, and I wallowed in it.

  The only thing keeping me afloat was the days crawling by on the calendar. Before I knew it, there were only two months left before Nash was coming home and it kept a small flame of hope lit.

  As the tour continued, and after they’d recorded the tracks with the record company, the interest in HeartLess grew steadily. At first, it was small mentions of them hanging out with the band they were opening for. Then there was news when their single released. The first time I’d heard it, Peyton and I had been listening to the radio in my room, and Nash’s voice had come over the speakers. I’d dropped the book in my hand on the floor. Peyton and I jumped, danced, screamed, and celebrated. We’d taken a short video and sent it to Nash and Felix, so proud and excited that our guys were on the radio.

  They weren’t ready to headline their own tour or end up on the Billboard charts yet, but it felt like the beginning. A twinge of regret and disappointment stabbed through me every time I thought about it because I wasn’t there. I wasn’t part of their success story anymore. I was relegated to a few short texts and a less-than-five-minute phone call once or twice a week.

  And then, everything changed again.

  It was Thanksgiving. Nash was coming home in a month, and I couldn’t wait. I planned how to celebrate his homecoming. We were going to dinner and a movie. He was most definitely sneaking into my room after my parents were in bed and we were absolutely having a repeat of the night before he left on tour. I was convinced his touch would erase the ugly thoughts whirling around my head.

  I was setting the table as my parents worked in the kitchen. It was just us since there wasn’t any other family. That was something I’d never thought about before, but this year was different. I knew there were people missing. I knew Gina should have been here, celebrating with us. Maybe my biological father would be here too. Instead of a table for three, we’d be a family of five. After so many years of not having any other family, it was appealing to have more people.

  Except there weren’t any other people. Because they’d chosen drugs over me.

  Any thought I had always seemed to spiral down into dark and depressing thoughts and I had no way to stop it.

  I folded the last napkin and tucked it under the fork and surveyed the table, making sure everything was where it was supposed to be. A small sense of satisfaction at the order of it flew through me, and I smiled, smoothing my hand over the table cloth. My phone rang, and I jumped to answer it. When I saw Nash’s name on the screen, a huge smile spread across my face. I took any scraps he’d throw my way.

  “Happy Thanksgiving!” I greeted him.

  “Hey. Same to you.” He sounded worn out. I was sure it was tough to be on the road, so far from home, constantly hop
ping from city to city.

  “How’s it going?”

  “Good. Good. We have a couple days off for the holidays, and then we’re back to the grind.” He let out a long breath and something rustled on his end. I wondered if he was lying in his bed.

  “How are you spending today?” I curled up on the couch, clutching my phone to my ear. I swam in the depths of his voice.

  “We ordered room service in Felix’s room. I just came back to my hotel room to call you.”

  Warmth swept through me, and my smile broadened. “I’m glad you did. I miss you. It’s been so long since we’ve talked.”

  More rustling. “Yeah. Things are busier than I thought they’d be.”

  “Tell me about what’s been going on.”

  “I don’t really have much time to talk.” He cleared his throat. “I…I had something I wanted to tell you.”

  My stomach flipped, and anxiety caused me to get off the couch and pace to the window. I didn’t have a good feeling about what was coming, though I couldn’t figure out why. “What’s up?”

  “The guys asked us to sign on for the rest of the US leg of the tour, and we did.”

  My shoulders sank at the realization that he’d be on the road longer. “That’s awesome, Nash! It must be going really well then.”

  “It is. It definitely is.” I heard more rustling. I could tell something was bothering him. He always got restless when something was weighing on him. “They actually want us to come on the Europe portion as well, which will extend it another six months on top of that.”

  “So, what? Nine more months?”

  “Yeah.”

  I sank down into a chair and rubbed my forehead. “That’s really exciting.” My voice was flat, definitely not showing any excitement at all. I didn’t know what to say because I wanted him to come home, but I knew this was what he really wanted to do. “Will you still come home for Christmas? There’s a month or so between dates then.”

  “Actually,” he dragged the word out, and my hopes dropped even farther. They were practically nonexistent. “We’re not coming back for Christmas. We’re heading out to LA to start working on a debut album. That label? They signed us, and they want us to start work on recording something, so we can, hopefully, have an album to release when the tour is completely over.”

  Happiness and disappointment crashed through me in equal measure. “Seriously? Congratulations, Nash!” Why was this the first I heard about it? I missed the days when he used to tell me everything. Now I felt like the last to know.

  “There’s more.” Was he trying to completely destroy me in one phone call? If he was, he was very close to succeeding. “My parents are relocating us out to LA, at least for the time being.” He paused. “I don’t know when I’ll be coming back to Pittsburgh.” His voice came out slightly strangled like the words were hard for him to say.

  His words. They tore through my chest and ravished my heart. I gasped in a breath, trying hard to fill my lungs as my vision blackened like I was about to pass out. He wasn’t coming home? Not just for Christmas or for nine months, but maybe not at all? I couldn’t get words out as a lump made its home in my throat.

  “I don’t think I can do this anymore, Bianca.” His words should have made sense, but I didn’t understand. Especially the way he said them. They were hoarse and hinted regret.

  “What?” I croaked out around the lump in my throat and the tears that threatened to fall any second.

  “I’m not coming home, and it’s just… It’s not working for me. This relationship, us.” His words were harsh, but his voice sounded pained.

  I jolted with his words as each one hit various parts of my body. I pressed my hand to my stomach as it rolled, and bile rose. I closed my eyes against the tears that built. “You’re…you’re breaking up with me?”

  “It just makes sense, right? We’re not going to see each other. I don’t have time for this right now.” A long, heavy pause hung between us. I couldn’t wrap my mind around his words, and he seemed to be having his own struggles on his end. I heard more rustling and the opening and closing of a door. “I don’t mean to hurt you, Bee. I really don’t.” He blew out a long breath, and I wondered if he was fighting his own emotions. Did he still feel something for me? Did the distance cause us to fracture, to tear apart irreparably?

  “You don’t mean to hurt me,” I said, swallowing hard to try and get the words out around the lump in my throat. “But you’re gutting me. You realize that, don’t you? I love you, Nash. I’ve always loved you, and I feel like you’re throwing me and what we had, away. Why? What did I do?”

  “You didn’t do anything. We haven’t seen each other in months, and we won’t see each other for even more months. It’ll be over a year. I can’t…” He stopped. I envisioned him closing his eyes and fighting to get the words out. “It’s not fair to either of us. You have your life there, and I’m making a new life here. It’s better this way.”

  “You don’t get to make this decision for the both of us. We are in this together. I don’t want to end things, I don’t care if I won’t see you. I still know you’re out there, that you’re mine.”

  A pause. A soft thud. “This is enough for you? Waiting by the phone for a call or text?”

  “I’d wait forever for you,” I said, tears spilling down my throat. My voice thick with emotion.

  He cleared his throat again. “That’s the problem, Bee. I don’t want you to wait for me.” His voice was hoarse, the words strained and full of pain. Maybe this was as hard on him as it was on me. I pushed that thought away because how could it be? He was the one ending it, not me.

  I gasped, his words striking me hard. I stumbled backward, pressing a hand against my chest, wanting to press my heart back together. “No matter what, I’m going to. You’re it for me, Nash. I love you. I told you that already. You told me I was all you wanted.” The words came out hysterical and angry and desperate. I was crying in earnest. I couldn’t get it to stop. The pain was leaking out of me. My body wasn’t big enough or strong enough to hold it all in.

  “I-I found someone else.” The words tumbled from his mouth, though he stumbled getting them out. His voice wavered a bit like the words hurt him as much to say as they hurt to hear. “I found someone out here, who’s living the life I am now. You’re back home in my old life. It’s time for me to move forward.” The words were almost a whisper, almost like he thought if he didn’t say them loud enough, the impact would be less.

  I slid down onto the floor, clutching the phone to my ear. His words reverberated in my head, I found someone else. I found someone else. I found someone else. Those words were replaced with a new mantra: not enough, not enough, not enough. He’d just eviscerated me with his words. My mouth moved as though it were forcing out words, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t think of anything to say, any way to repair this because it was clear now. I loved Nash wholly and completely. I saw a future with him. I saw my entire future with him. I was a detour in his path. He’d replaced me quickly. I wondered who it could be. I wondered what she could have that I didn’t have.

  I squeezed my eyes shut. I’d never experienced pain like this. Little shards of me were splintering off and crumbling into dust. “Someone else,” I said, my voice as flat as I could make it, though it was squeaky and laced with pain.

  Again, he was quiet. I heard something sliding on his end, and I envisioned him sliding down the wall, closing his eyes. He had to know how much he hurt me. He had to know this was a devastating blow, one I wasn’t sure I’d ever recover from. “I’m sorry, Bee.”

  “Stop.” I sniffled. “Just…stop. I can’t listen to this.” I swallowed a few times and tears continued their journey down my face.

  “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to make this hurt less for you,” he said, his voice small. He sounded like a lost little boy, not the confident one I’d always known. “I never wanted to hurt you. Please say you know that.”

  “Your intent
ions mean shit, Nash. Because you hurt me. That’s not even strong enough for how I feel right now.” Anger replaced the debilitating sadness. “I thought I knew you. I thought I knew the kind of person you were. But this? I don’t know this person. Maybe it’s better you aren’t coming back.”

  It was his turn to gasp. I hoped it hurt him even a fraction of the amount of hurt he’d inflicted on me. “Bee,” he pleaded.

  “I have to go.” I wiped the tears from my cheeks.

  “Take care of yourself, okay?”

  I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. My throat wasn’t working, only closing up as I fought back sobs. For long minutes, I held the phone to my ear, praying he’d changed his mind, was all a misunderstanding. Say that he loved me, and we’d make this work, that we’d continue to try. I heard his ragged breathing, the sound betraying how hard this was for him. I wanted to ask him why, but nothing would come out. I squeezed my eyes, more tears falling down my cheeks. This was the last connection I had to Nash, and I didn’t want it to end, even if I held this phone to my ear for hours as we both sat in silence.

  And then the phone went dead, just like my heart. I fell apart on the floor, crying as I clutched a hand over my chest and my stomach. I thought he’d broken my heart before, but that was nothing compared to now. This pain? This pain was real. Every part of me was ravaged, and I could barely breathe.

  This? This I wasn’t sure I could survive.

  My parents found me like that on the floor and fawned over me, trying to make it better. There was no way to fix me. I was broken beyond repair. I’d given my heart, my soul away so thoroughly that I didn’t even have it anymore. They belonged to Nash and he’d just thrown them in the garbage disposal and turned it on.

  That was the last day I let myself feel love.

  Sure, I loved my parents and Peyton, but I surrounded my heart with concrete and bricks and a fireproof safe. If this was what happened when you fell in love, I wanted no part of it ever again.