‘Oh, Miles,’ I said, wishing I could do something to make it better. The death of a little boy was heartbreaking. It certainly put things into perspective. ‘Is there anything I can do? Would you like me to, I don’t know…is there something I can do to make you feel better? Even if it’s just to sit and listen to you?’ I wracked my brains trying to think of the right thing to say.
‘You’re very kind,’ he said as he stood up and put his arms in the sleeves of his coat, ‘but this is something I have to work through on my own somehow. I’m really sorry, but I have to go. I’ll message soon.’
He leant down and kissed me softly on the forehead, then left.
I sat there for a few minutes, just feeling numb. I was so sad for him. For his loss. I wanted to be there for him. Hold him. Comfort him. Try and make him feel better. If I was upset, I’d want someone to hold me. But people dealt with loss in different ways, I guessed, and maybe being alone was his. Perhaps he didn’t want to be vulnerable and upset in front of me. Maybe it was too soon and he didn’t feel close enough to me yet.
As much as I wanted to know more about his intentions and if becoming exclusive meant that he would like us to start a serious relationship, I realised that I had to give him time. Be understanding. He was going through enough right now.
I’d take a step back. I’d give him some space, and when he was feeling better, stronger, then we could have a conversation about the future, and whether he saw me in his.
Chapter Twenty
I just don’t know…
It was 3.27 a.m. on Monday and I couldn’t sleep. My head was spinning.
For once, I wasn’t being kept awake because I was trying to stop myself from dreaming about sex or resisting the temptation to pleasure myself. No, this time, it was because I just couldn’t work out what decision to make. How to move forward with my love life. What to do for the best. How to know which of the two guys I was dating was most likely to be my soul mate and the one that would help me to achieve the happy life I’d dreamt of. My decision had been made even harder after yesterday’s date with Luke.
Whilst I was on my way back on the train from Manchester on Saturday night, Luke had messaged about plans for Sunday. I’d mentioned how knackered I was after two days on my feet, and he’d suggested that, as I was so tired, rather than me having to drag myself into town to meet, I should have a lie-in instead and then he would come round and cook for me whilst I relaxed on the sofa. Although part of me thought maybe it was his way of getting an invite to my house to have his wicked way with me, it did sound like a lovely idea, and I could really do with a rest.
The book had said that I shouldn’t cook for a man during the early stages, but it hadn’t said anything about him cooking for me. I knew home visits were frowned upon by Laurie in general, especially during the first month, but as I was now eight weeks in and she was the one that was always banging on about allowing a man to be nice to me, which was exactly what Luke was trying to do, I agreed.
Talking of being nice, ever since I’d mentioned the challenge, Luke had become more attentive. He’d started messaging me every evening to say hi and to see what I was doing, which was great, but of course, it also made it difficult to decide which guy was the right one for me.
Luke was even really considerate about the timing of our date. He’d suggested that he’d arrive at 3.30 p.m. as that would give me more time to sleep. Also, by coming during daylight to cook me lunch, rather than in the evening to make dinner, I could feel reassured that he wasn’t dropping round for a booty call. It was also his idea to have lunch at my place. He said whilst he was happy to send a taxi for me to come to his so that I wouldn’t have to go on public transport, I’d feel more comfortable in my own environment, so he’d come to me, which I thought was really sweet of him.
Lunch was lovely. I mean, it was all pre-prepared by the supermarket, so he’d just removed the packaging and put the chicken and potatoes to roast in the oven and microwaved some carrots, but the point was, he’d made an effort, which was nice. We’d sat at the kitchen table and had a discussion like we often did. This time it was on the relevance of university degrees in modern society, which obviously he was all for.
He’d even asked some questions about me, my job, what I liked doing; he’d complimented me on my hair (maybe the extensions were worth the investment after all, as Luke really loved them); and when Cuddles had come in, he’d actually attempted to pat her. Although she’d run back to the bedroom when he came closer, the fact that he’d tried to be affectionate towards Cuddles because he knew how much she meant to me again showed he was trying.
When it got to about 6.30 p.m., Luke said he’d better go, as he had to prep for lectures in the morning. The surprising thing was, he was there, in my house, sitting at the table and then beside me on my sofa. The two of us were alone and he didn’t try anything. Not once. When he was leaving, he didn’t even go in for a snog or a peck on the lips. He just took my hand and kissed it. I was so shocked. He was really taking my challenge seriously. He hadn’t tried to push things, which would have been so easy to do. And it sounds odd, but when he left, him not trying to make a pass at me drove me crazy. The fact that he knew about my vow and was willing to wait was so sexy. It made me want it, want him more. I was so confused.
That’s why this wasn’t easy. Never did I think when I was starting this challenge that I’d be this torn. That I’d have two eligible bachelors, two smart, handsome contenders, vying for my heart. And yet here I was in that very situation, and I had no idea what to do.
That’s why I hadn’t been able to return his call.
Yes. To add to the complication, Miles had called whilst Luke was here, but I hadn’t heard the phone ring as I’d left it charging in the bedroom. It was only after 10.30 p.m., when I’d finished clearing up the kitchen, putting on the washing and ironing my clothes for the week, that I’d collapsed on the bed, checked my phone and seen his missed call and then the text he’d sent half an hour ago saying we needed to talk.
I panicked.
Miles and I had kept in touch since meeting up last Wednesday. Even though I’d told myself I’d give him space, I needed to check he was okay, so I’d messaged him on the Thursday on my way to Manchester to ask how he was feeling. He’d said it was still raw, but he’d be fine.
I had been at the exhibition hall from the minute I arrived on Thursday until almost midnight, then had to be back on site from 8 a.m. through to 6 p.m. on Friday. After that, it was entertaining clients until midnight again, then back at the hall from 8 a.m. all the way until the show ended on Saturday. I was lucky that I got to go home. Some of my colleagues had to stay until Sunday. Anyway, all that meant it was hard to message as much as I would have liked. But when Miles had texted on Saturday morning, he’d said that he was much better and was determined to use his grief as fuel to drive him to help even more kids.
I’d told him that it wasn’t his fault, and he said he knew that, but he was looking into whether there was something extra that he could do. Even if it meant making personal sacrifices or doing things in his own time. If the boy’s death made him carry out even more meaningful work, then he reasoned that at least it wouldn’t be completely in vain.
I hated that I had to be hundreds of miles away from him at a stupid show, schmoozing with clients, when I could be in London checking whether Miles was okay. Holding him. Rubbing his shoulders. Trying to make him feel better.
Had it just been a missed call from Miles, I might not have worried too much. I would have thought maybe he was feeling a bit low about his patient and wanted to talk. But it was the text that concerned me.
Miles
Hi, we really need to talk. Not something I want to put on a text. Pls call me.
That was ominous. It also felt really impersonal. He hadn’t mentioned my name or signed it off with a kiss or blowing kiss emoji like he normally did. It was abrupt. Curt. Short.
It sounded serious. Not grief-related or I
need a shoulder to cry on serious. More like it’s over serious or I’m getting back with Gabby serious. Why else would it not be something he could put in a text? Maybe because he knew how badly I’d been affected by guys ghosting or dumping me via messages before, he wanted to try and do the decent thing and arrange to end things in person or over the phone. I don’t know. It was just a feeling in my gut that told me that whatever he had to say wasn’t good news and I couldn’t handle it right now.
I was just so confused. About everything. This multi dating approach was supposed to make me feel calm, but I felt anything but. I just didn’t think I could continue with it anymore. Not because of the whole sex thing. It was more about what it was doing with my emotions. I had feelings for both Miles and Luke, and I couldn’t carry on with this juggling. The ups and downs. The uncertainty. I needed to make a decision and stick with it. But how, and who?
On the one hand, I had Miles, who was kind, considerate and caring. We could talk about anything for hours, and I felt so comfortable around him. Happy. He made me laugh, and he was incredibly sexy. And kissing him. Wow. We hadn’t had a moment to be that close since that date at the cinema, but I remembered it like it was five minutes ago. In fact, just thinking about it made me weak. The downside was the whole ex-girlfriend situation, and he hadn’t really spoken much about commitment. Only dating exclusively. It wasn’t specific enough. Just because he didn’t want to share me, I couldn’t assume that automatically meant he wanted to take me off the singles market permanently.
Plus, I always went for the guys that were great kissers and made me feel weak at the knees, and it always ended badly. So whilst I enjoyed Miles’ company and fancied him like mad, I couldn’t lose sight of my objective. I needed to find someone who didn’t shy away from making plans for the future. Someone who wanted to have a life-long relationship with me. Not one day in the next century, but now. Right now.
I wasn’t even sure if he still wanted exclusivity anyway. That had been mentioned before Gabriella was back on the scene. Maybe he’d changed his mind since then. I wouldn’t know without having a proper conversation with him, which had been difficult as we hadn’t had time alone to talk at his work party, then it hadn’t been appropriate when we’d last met as he was grieving. If I returned his call now, we could maybe try discussing it, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind tonight, and I’d rather do it in person than on the phone. Facetime wouldn’t cut it either. It wasn’t the same.
Then there was Luke. Mysterious and moody. Very intelligent like Miles and well travelled. Very handsome. If I could draw my ideal type of guy physically, it would probably be Luke. Well, before I’d met Miles anyway. Luke was very confident, which could come across as arrogant sometimes, but that was just his way. No one’s perfect, right? And he’d been really sweet since learning about my challenge. Cooking for me, not trying it on when he could so easily have sneaked a kiss or more when we were on the sofa. The big plus with Luke was that he had regularly spoken about commitment and marriage.
And, unlike Miles, Luke knew about the challenge and yet had chosen to stick around. In fact, if anything, it had made him keener. By the sounds of it, Miles needed lots of sex, so whilst he hadn’t pushed me to take things further so far, when he found out about my vow of abstinence, that might send him running straight into Gabriella’s arms, or rather jumping straight in between her legs.
That’s why I’d left it.
I wanted to message, I really did. But then I thought he might read my text and try calling again. There would be no way I couldn’t answer after that. So I decided it was better to give myself some time tonight to reach a decision, get a second opinion from Stacey at work in the morning, then call Miles back at lunchtime. That was reasonable, wasn’t it? I’d be fresher tomorrow. I hoped he wouldn’t think I’d left him waiting too long. Would he?
After reading his text, I’d climbed under the duvet and tried to weigh up what to do. To-ing and fro-ing with my thoughts and feelings. Then I’d attempted to get some sleep, but couldn’t.
Several hours of debating later, I thought I knew what I was going to do. Which guy I was leaning towards the most. Sort of…maybe. But I just needed to be sure, because I had the feeling that once I made my choice, there would be no going back.
Chapter Twenty-One
‘Well, personally, I know who I would choose, but it’s not my life,’ said Stacey, taking a sip of her coffee.
I’d texted her at the crack of dawn to ask if she could meet me in the kitchen fifteen minutes before work started so I could talk to her about my dilemma.
‘I know this has to be my own decision, but I’d like a second opinion. You’ve been here since the beginning, so I would really value your advice. I don’t want to make a mistake.’
‘Okay, okay. Let’s strip this back a bit. You’ve filled me in on your date with Luke and how gentlemanly he was, which is positive. I’m up to date with Miles, the ex and the strange text. And you’ve spent the night weighing up the pros and cons of each—well, you say you have anyway. So let’s rewind and focus on the cons you listed. The main drawback with Miles was your uncertainty of his commitment and interest in marriage in the immediate future, and of course the appearance of this Gabby you seem to think is perfection personified, and you struggled to find a significant drawback with Luke because as far as you could see, he’s smart, he’s handsome, he declared his intention to marry you on the first date and has been attentive despite knowing about the challenge. Correct?’
‘Yeah, pretty much.’ I nodded.
‘But what about Luke’s arrogance? Doesn’t that bother you?’
‘Sometimes, but he explained to me that it’s confidence. He’s achieved a lot and isn’t ashamed to shout about it.’
‘Hmm. Yes, but hasn’t Miles achieved just as much as Luke?’
‘Oh, definitely. He does amazing work. Looking after children. Caring for the next generation. I think it’s brilliant.’
‘Yes. Miles had an awful childhood, was in and out of care, yet went on to study and become a top children’s doctor. But he doesn’t ram his achievements down your throat every second,’ said Stacey.
‘No, Miles would never do that,’ I gushed. ‘He’s so humble. He hates drawing attention to himself.’
‘Exactly. And what about Luke’s brashness and self-centredness? Didn’t you say that he’s sometimes rude to waiters?’
‘He’s quite direct. He admits that, though.’
‘But doesn’t he spend most of the time talking about how amazing he is at his job, how many countries he’s travelled to, how every man, his dog and the pope wants to invite him to give a million-dollar talk because he’s just the best at everything?’
‘Well,’ I said. ‘He does have a tendency to talk about himself…but he doesn’t always. Usually there’s a topic we discuss at each date which doesn’t have anything to do with either of us. Just general conversation. Like a debate. And yesterday he was asking me a lot more questions about what exactly I did for work and what I liked doing in my spare time, so he’s making more of an effort.’
‘And aren’t all of those questions that Miles asked on your first date? Yet it’s taken Luke, what, six dates to be bothered to ask you the same?’
‘Um, yes…’
‘In fact, didn’t Miles listen so intently to what you said you liked doing on your first date that he arranged the perfect date less than twenty-four hours later by taking you to the zoo?’
‘Yes, yes, okay!’ I shouted. ‘I get it! And I know all this. I told you all this. Miles is amazing. I love everything about him, but it’s not that simple. What about Gabriella?’
‘I think you’re forgetting that she’s his ex. People break up for a reason.’
‘Yes, but from the sounds of it, he didn’t want to break up with her. He loved her. Probably still does. Why did he introduce her as a “friend” and not just say she was an ex? I need to know Miles wants me. That he’ll fall in love with me. That
he’ll want to marry me. Not her.’
‘And how do you know he doesn’t?’ said Stacey. ‘Not everyone is as forthright and as mouthy as Luke. Just because he hasn’t said it explicitly, it doesn’t mean it isn’t something he’s thinking about. He hasn’t had the opportunity to express himself about how he feels about the future with you or give his side of the story about Gabriella.’
‘Which is so frustrating! Every time I’ve wanted to address it, something has always come up. I want to be patient, but at the same time, I can’t help but think that with Luke, by this time next year I could have settled down and be married. With Miles, I’m either going to get dumped for his ex, or maybe best-case scenario, he could choose me, but then I could be the eternal girlfriend. And how can I stay calm knowing he’s spending all day working with Gabriella? There’s just a big question mark hanging over my future with him. With Luke I can feel more sure. He’s direct. You know where you stand with him. He says what he means. Means what he says.’
‘I wouldn’t be so sure.’ Stacey crossed her arms. ‘There’s just something about him that doesn’t sit right with me. His flashiness, his arrogance, his inconsistencies. One minute he’s self-absorbed and questioning why you won’t sleep with him on the fourth date and the next he’s all sweetness and light and is willing to wait months to have sex with you: a woman he barely knows, as he rarely bothers to extract his head from his own arse.’
I thought Stacey was being a bit harsh. Luke could be really sweet. Perhaps it was just because initially he hadn’t understood why I was turning him down, as he could tell I was attracted to him, so it didn’t make sense. Maybe he’d felt I was rejecting him. But when I’d explained and he’d seen that I was striving towards a goal, being the ambitious guy that he was, he could better relate. Luke knew what it was like to set yourself a challenge and work hard to achieve it.
‘He’s not that bad. Luke said himself, if he just wanted to sleep with me, he would have told me from the beginning. He said he wants marriage and children and to settle down.’
Only When It's Love: A Chick Lit, Romantic Comedy Novel: Holding Out For Mr Right Page 16
