For the first time, I was beginning to doubt my decision to move to Vermont, or wonder if I should have tried the West Coast instead. I turned to face my dad who was standing in line behind me at the DMV in Burlington. “Should we be here?”
He glanced up from his cellphone, his bushy brows pushed together. “What?”
“Maybe I should have tried Oregon instead.” I shifted my weight from one leg to the other, trying to ignore the ache from standing so long. The problem was the ache wasn’t only in my legs, it was my entire body and it wouldn’t get much better if I sat down. “What if none of the doctors here say yes?”
“Tessa, it’s still new. It takes time for them to get accustomed. But, it wouldn’t have been made legal if the support wasn’t there, so I’m confident we’ll find someone eventually.”
It was the eventually which frightened me—a luxury I didn’t have. I felt tightly wound around a coil, but my dad looked like he hadn’t a care in the world. His assured attitude comforted me slightly.
“Next in line!” the clerk behind the counter called out.
I rushed forward and presented my paperwork and identification. She looked it over for a minute, then pointed to another area of the room and handed me a ticket. “Counter B. Wait for your number to be called.”
“I hate the DMV. It’s all hurry up and wait,” my dad grumbled as he trotted alongside me.
“That’s one thing I’ll never have to trudge through again.” I tried for a lighthearted chuckle. Truthfully, though, if I had to stand in a thousand DMV lines to live longer, I would.
“I can’t hear you talk that way, Tessa.” He looked down, shoving his phone in his pocket. “I just can’t.”
“Sorry.” I appreciated him coming with me today. Elly and I hadn’t talked much since our fight, and Kyle was home researching doctors and making calls. “I’ll stop.”
The next clerk called my number after waiting thirty more minutes, and I scurried to meet her. She took my picture and chatted the entire time about her new engagement. I smiled and congratulated her, but my words were hollow. Honestly, I struggled to find excitement in much of anything lately, which was unusual for me.
I didn’t want to spend what time I had left feeling so low, but it was starting to seem like there wasn’t another alternative. Everything hurt. My body was either sore or weak, as if I’d just run a marathon, and there was no in between. Occasionally, I’d get twinges of sharper pain shooting through me. The headaches were constant and progressing daily, worse than any migraine I’d ever experienced. I wanted to curl up in bed and sleep for days on end, but I refused to waste my last few days like that.
“About done here, ma’am.” The clerk typed quickly on her computer. “Did you want the two-year or four-year? It’s a twenty-dollar difference between the two.” Her fingers hovered over her computer mouse as she waited for my decision.
“For the expiration date?” I asked.
She nodded and pointed at a chart up on the wall showing the difference. “Yes, ma’am. How long do you want?”
I wanted four years. Hell, I wanted a lot longer than four years. I wanted every minute I could squeeze out of life. But, I had five months. Four, if Dr. Protos was right.
“I’ll take the shorter one,” I finally said.
She lifted one brow and cocked her head to the side. “Sure you don’t want longer? You gotta renew in person now. It can save you a trip.”
I looked over my shoulder at my dad waiting on a nearby bench. “Yeah, I’m sure,” I finally said with a sigh. “I won’t be here that long.”
“Oh, nice. A traveler, I like that.” She gave me a conspiratorial wink that made absolutely no sense. “I love to travel. I’ll put you down for two years. Go on and sit down ’cause it’s going to take a minute ’fore it’s ready.”
I thanked her and then joined my dad. Carefully, I lowered my body onto the bench and leaned back with a moan of relief. My feet were throbbing, and I desperately needed to close my eyes for a minute. The migraine pulsed inside my skull, and for a minute, I wasn’t sure if the pain would make me vomit.
My dad patted my knee and let me rest my head on his shoulder.
“Ma’am?” I jolted, unsure of how long I’d been asleep, or that I’d fallen asleep at all. The clerk stood in front of me, her previous smile turned down into a worried frown. She held out my new driver’s license. “Here you go. You’re all set, but…you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine, thank you.” I took it from her, and my dad helped me to my feet.
She didn’t look convinced, but nodded her head anyway. “You folks have a nice day.”
My dad took my arm and guided me to the car. Relief overtook me at the feeling of the soft cloth seats, a big step up from the DMV folding chairs. I pulled on my seat belt as my dad put the car in drive, and then studied my license. My eyes flashed to my picture for only a second before I had to focus on something else.
In my mind, I’d thought I was starting to look better, but the picture didn’t agree. I was a ghostly color, my skin pulled tight over my cheekbones. They hadn’t let me wear my scarf, so my bald head stuck out like a sore thumb. It had a fine layer of hair growing which I thought looked quite thick lately—almost like a purposefully done pixie cut—but that wasn’t what I saw in the picture.
My eyes scanned the rest of the card, then I shoved it into my pocket and rolled down the car window, letting the breeze hit my face. “September 30, 2016.”
My dad glanced sideways from the driver’s seat. “What?”
“That’s when my license expires. On my birthday in two years.”
He cleared this throat, keeping his eyes on the road. “Oh.”
“Yeah.” Neither one of us knew what to say, and I wasn’t sure why it even bothered me. The clerk had told me it would be two years, but I hadn’t thought about the date itself. “I haven’t thought about my birthday.”
He frowned, his knuckles tightening around the steering wheel. “You said you wanted to celebrate it back when you first found out, remember?”
I nodded slowly, playing memories of past birthdays in my head. Blowing out candles, unwrapping gifts, making resolutions, getting drunk and forgetting them. “Yeah, my twenty-ninth. But, I didn’t think about the rest. My thirtieth, thirty-first, fortieth, fiftieth.... all of them. There won’t be any more after this September, if I even make it to twenty-nine.”
“You’re going to celebrate your birthday, Tessa.” His voice didn’t sound as confident as his words.
“Maybe, but even if I do, I won’t make it to Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year’s. There are so many things I’ve already experienced my last of... and I didn’t even know it.” A lump began to form in my throat, but I tried to push it away. “I didn’t dress up in a costume last Halloween. We just stayed home and watched scary movies. Christmas was great, but if I’d known it would be my last, I’d have done more.” There was a weight on my chest, like someone was sitting on me, and I realized this was grief. “I’d have tried harder, if I’d known...I’d have done more with my life.”
My dad reached over and squeezed my hand. “My Sunshine on a cloudy day, you’ve already done more with your life than most ever will. You found love; not just any love, but once-in-a-lifetime love. You had a job you loved, a home you worked hard for, a family by your side, and so many people who love you. That’s what it’s about. It’s the little moments that build a well-lived life, and love that builds well-lived people. Those are the memories you’ll take with you, and the memories we’ll hold on to.”
The weight on my chest lightened, even if just a little. He was right. I’d lived a full life, even if it was short. I’d been loved, and I’d loved with everything I had. That’s the most I could ask for from this world, and I’d need to be okay with that.
I wanted to be.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Sunday, July 13, 2014
* * *
It happened earlier than I expect
ed—and slower.
My first seizure.
It was like watching the world frame by frame, and then not at all. One minute, I was standing in the kitchen with Kyle while he tried to teach me how to flip a pancake, and the next minute, I was on the ground with everyone screaming.
Everything before that had been normal enough.
I’d woken up a couple of hours ago, unusually cold. Not all at once, but rather in waves. I’d be comfortable one second, then need a sweatshirt the next. My aches were bone deep, and Kyle had hoped to distract me by cooking together. Beast had done his best to interrupt us, walking in and out between my legs, and barking nonstop. It was incredibly obnoxious—even for him.
And then I felt strange. There’s no other way to describe it, except that my body felt different than I’d known for the last twenty-eight years. It was strangely calming, yet panic-inducing at the same time. My fingers tingled and my mind felt fuzzy, my stomach flip-flopped and my tongue felt thick. I tried to listen to Kyle talk, but his words came slower, then jumbled, and then he stopped making sense entirely. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t think of the words. He began moving, inching backwards, then speeding away so fast, I felt dizzy.
I reached for him, wanting him to stay, but my hands found nothing to grasp and everything faded, taking me with it.
“Tessa!” My name. Someone was shouting. It was muted and muffled. I’m here.
Then I wasn’t.
Nothing.
A tiny sound. Beast barked. He was so far away. Is he okay? Then he was closer. Louder. Roaring. Quiet! Kyle’s voice was deafening in my ear and my dad was there somewhere…somewhere, but my mind couldn’t grab hold. Elly was screaming and I tried to tell her to stop, to calm down, but I couldn’t hear my own words. Am I speaking? One side of my face felt cold and when my eyes opened, I saw tile.
Rows and rows of tile stretched out in front of me. Then Beast shoved his nose into my face, licking me. Kyle pushed him away, dropping to his knees beside me. My sister was behind him, tears strewn across her scrunched-up face. My dad was holding her shoulders, his eyes wide and his face pale.
“Tessa? Can you hear me?”
I stared at Kyle. His voice sounded so funny, like he was speaking through a fan. Why is he doing that? When Elly and I were kids, we’d pretend to be robots and press our faces against the fan’s cover, talking into the whirling blades inches away. I wondered if Kyle was playing that game. I didn’t want to play.
“Tessa, please. Can you hear me?” Kyle asked again, his voice less robotic now. Is the game over? “Say something.”
I think I nodded, one half of my face still pressed against the cold floor as I lay on my side, but nothing moved. My head ached, as did the rest of me. One side of my body felt numb, tingling beneath me as if it no longer belonged to me. I tried to push against the floor and stand up, but my body didn’t respond. This isn’t a game. Something is wrong. Panic rose in my chest. Is this it? The paralysis I’d been dreading…could it happen this fast?
One minute alive, the next, trapped.
“She’s in here.” I couldn’t pin point who was talking now. My sister stepped into my line of sight. Odd. When had she left? “Please help her.”
An unfamiliar pair of legs came into view. “Please step back, sir. We need room to work.”
Cold hands were touching me. My neck, my wrist. Did someone just lift my shirt? My body tilted backward, but not onto the tile. Onto something soft beneath me that suddenly lifted me off the floor and closer to everyone’s faces. Faces I didn’t recognize.
A bright light shone in one eye, then the other, then back again. “Mrs. Falls, you’re on the stretcher now. We’re taking you to the hospital. Can you hear me?”
I nodded. Yes, I can hear you.
“She’s not moving or responding to the light. We need to move quickly.”
I tried to tell them they were wrong, that I had responded. They weren’t listening.
“I’m coming with her.” I recognized Kyle’s voice this time, but couldn’t see him.
“That’s fine. Everyone else will need to drive separately.”
We were moving now, passing through the house, floating. The ceiling moved fast, then the porch, then the night sky stretched out above me for only a moment before I was staring at the metal roof of an ambulance. There was a red smear in the right corner. I hoped it wasn’t blood.
“Mrs. Falls, if you can hear me, I want you to squeeze my hand.” A man was speaking now, and I realized two of his fingers were flat against my palm.
I squeezed his fingers so tight, I was sure I’d snap them right off.
The man gave me a warm smile. “Good. We have movement.”
Kyle exhaled in a one loud rush. “She squeezed your hand?”
The man shook his head. “No, but her hand twitched. She was trying.” He patted my shoulder. “Good job, Mrs. Falls.”
Bastard. I fumed. Ask me again.
He did, and the rest of the ride was both incredibly fast and excruciatingly slow. Every time he asked me to move, it became a little easier. I began to respond, then I finally squeezed hard—the proof in the wince on his face.
Ha.
When the doctors took over, I was able to talk in short sentences. Breathless. After an hour of poking and prodding, I could talk and move normally. Half of my body still tingled and felt sluggish, while the rest of me just felt exhausted.
“You gave your family quite the scare there, Mrs. Falls.”
I turned my head to see a doctor noting something in my chart next to my bed. He was tall, thin, and balding, and I liked him right away. He had an easygoing aura about him, light blue, like the sky on a clear day. None of this had frightened him. I wanted that.
“I’m Dr. Morales.” He smiled, revealing a brilliantly white set of teeth.
My mouth felt dry, and my tongue heavy, but I cleared my throat. “What happened?”
“You had a seizure—a quite severe one, actually,” he said, placing the chart in a slot at the end of my bed. He pushed his hands into the pockets of his white coat. “I’m prescribing a higher dosage of anti-seizure medications. From the look of your charts and speaking to your husband, it sounds like this isn’t a surprise?”
I shook my head. “It’s not.” And somehow, it still was.
“I must admit, I’m surprised to see a tumor that size in someone your age. I am very sorry you’re dealing with this.” His mouth turned down at the corners in an apologetic frown. “The new medication should, at minimum, lessen the frequency and severity of your seizures. However, it might be time to start looking into finding a hospice facility. It’s very likely your symptoms will progress in the coming weeks.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I replied adamantly. I would have stomped my foot if I’d been standing. “I’m going to die at home. It’s the entire reason I came to Vermont.”
“I was curious about that,” the doctor said, his gaze shifting to my chart and then back to me. “Your charts are from Chicago, but your residency is here?”
I looked at him carefully, examining his flat nose and bushy eyebrows, before I dropped my gaze to my fidgeting fingers. I was tired of answering questions and being shamed by doctor after doctor. I couldn’t do it again. Not now.
“Oh, I see.” He suddenly said, his face lighting up with recognition. He inhaled slowly, nodding his head. “You moved here for the new law. Death with dignity.”
This time it was my turn to nod, grateful I hadn’t had to go through the spiel again.
“Have you already gone through the legal process, received the medication?” he asked.
I shook my head. “I’ve tried. Every doctor we’ve gone to has turned me down.”
“Really?” His brows shot up. He looked annoyed, though I wasn’t sure if it was directed at me. “According to your chart, you’re decisively a candidate. But you’re having a hard time finding a doctor who wants to be involved?”
“An impossible time
,” I replied, hoping I wasn’t about to start crying.
“I’ll tell you what,” he started, then paused, exhaling a sigh and crossing his arms over his chest. “I’ll help you—if you want, of course.”
I sat up on the bed, despite the ache in my back that shot through my limbs at the sudden movement. “You will? Why?”
Dr. Morales shrugged his shoulders, as if he wasn’t saying the best thing I’d heard all year. “I believe in the law. Simple as that. There is no reasonable explanation for why someone should go through that type of pain and suffering.”
I wanted to throw off the covers and bear hug him. Thank goodness, my weakened state wouldn’t allow that.
He continued, “In your case, I’d like to help because if your latest scans are correct, you won’t have much time left to legally make this decision.”
Um…what? “I don’t understand?”
“The law states the patient must be mentally and psychologically capable of making the call. The type of tumor you have will affect your mental faculties, and at the rate it’s progressing, that will be soon.”
I remembered getting a scan when I first arrived at the hospital today, but it was still a blur. I definitely didn’t remember hearing the results, but the alarm in his expression made my stomach turn. “What did the scans say?”
“I don’t have the results from today’s yet. I examined your previous reports, though. The tumor is progressing rapidly.”
“Another reason why I’m having a hard time finding a doctor to help me,” I said.
“Give me a minute.” Dr. Morales abruptly walked out of the room.
Confused, I waited. A few minutes later, he returned with another doctor who was about half his age. “Mrs. Falls, this is Dr. Paul. I need a witness to hear your first formal request.”
They both stared at me. It wasn’t unfriendly, rather stoic and serious. I swallowed, clearing my throat when I grasped what he was saying. Glancing between them, my chest rose and fell rapidly, my ears vibrated with a loud buzzing sound I couldn’t pinpoint.
Every Last Drop Page 19
