Bakemonogatari Part 1

by Nisioisin

  “I can do that much.”

  “Then can we say to meet here again at midnight?”

  “Fine─but a clean set of clothes?”

  “They don’t have to be new, but your school uniform won’t do. You wear it every day.”

  “…And your fee?”

  “Huh?”

  “Please don’t play dumb. You’re not saving me as an act of charity, are you?”

  “Hm. Hrm.” Oshino turned to look at me, appraisingly. “I guess I’ll take one, missy, if that would make you feel better. All right, then, a hundred thousand yen.”

  “…A hundred thousand yen,” Senjogahara parroted the sum. “A hundred thousand yen─huh.”

  “You can make that kind of money in a month or two working part-time at a fast food place. I think it’s reasonable.”

  “…This is nothing like the treatment I got,” I remarked.

  “Was it not? I want to say that it was a hundred thousand yen for missy class president, too,” Oshino countered.

  “I’m saying that you charged me five million yen!”

  “What do you expect? That was a vampire.”

  “Stop chalking everything up to vampirism! I hate when people rely on fads like that!”

  Brushing away my complaints, Oshino asked Senjogahara, “Can you pay it?”

  “Of course,” she replied. “Of course, without fail.”

  And so─

  And so now, two hours later, here we were.

  At Senjogahara’s home.

  I took a look around─another one.

  A hundred thousand yen isn’t a small sum by normal standards, but her single-room abode made me think it was a particularly large one for Senjogahara.

  There was nothing there other than the dresser, the low table, and a small bookshelf. Considering how voracious a reader she made herself out to be, her collection was meager, which meant she probably relied heavily on used bookstores and libraries.

  Like the struggling student of yore.

  Well, I guessed, that’s actually what she was.

  She said she was even on financial aid.

  According to Oshino, Senjogahara got off easy compared to me─but I wasn’t so sure.

  Yes, being attacked by a vampire is no joke for the threat to your life and the trouble you end up causing. More than once I thought things would be easier if I were dead, and even now, after a single misstep, I find myself feeling that way.

  So.

  Maybe Senjogahara was on the luckier side of misfortune. But─given what Hanekawa had told me about Senjogahara the middle schooler, it felt wrong to box it up so tidily and see it that way.

  The two weren’t equal, to say the least.

  Then a thought came to me.

  Hanekawa─what about Hanekawa?

  Tsubasa Hanekawa’s case.

  A woman whose first name meant “wing,” and whose last name started with another character for the same, a pair of mismatched appendages.

  Just as I was attacked by a demon and Senjogahara encountered a crab, Hanekawa was bewitched by a cat. That’s what happened during Golden Week. It was so intense that it felt like the distant past as soon as it was over, but it had been just a few days.

  Hanekawa, though, barely had any memories of Golden Week and seemed only to know that it was thanks to Oshino that she was fine, or maybe she knew nothing at all, but at any rate─I remembered everything.

  It really was an awful case.

  And that’s coming from me, who had dealt with a demon at that point. I’d never imagined that a cat might be scarier than a demon.

  So from the perspective of being life-threatening and all, you could simply say that Senjogahara’s case was less dire than Hanekawa’s─but considering what Senjogahara must have felt to get to where she was now…

  Considering her current predicament.

  If I did consider it.

  What sort of life had gotten her to a place where generosity was deemed hostile behavior?

  The lad who sold his shadow.

  She who was deprived of her weight.

  It was beyond me.

  It wasn’t for me to─understand.

  “I’m done with my shower.”

  Senjogahara came out of the bathroom.

  As naked as the day she was born.

  “Gaaahhh!”

  “Move out of the way. I can’t get my clothes with you there.” Coolly, annoyed with her wet hair, Senjogahara pointed to the drawer behind me.

  “Clothes, put some clothes on!”

  “That’s what I’m trying to do.”

  “Why now?!”

  “Are you saying I shouldn’t?”

  “I’m saying you should have already!”

  “I forgot to bring them in with me.”

  “Then wear a towel or something!”

  “No way, how classless,” she pronounced with a serene expression.

  It was clear as day that arguing with her would be futile, so I crawled out of the way of the dresser, toward the bookshelf, and focused my vision and my mind there as if to take inventory.

  Urrgh.

  I’d seen a fully nude woman for the first time…

  B-But─something was wrong, it wasn’t as I’d pictured it. While I don’t think I harbored any illusions, what I’d wanted, what I’d dreamed of, wasn’t this childlike streaking, this letting it all hang out…

  “Clean clothes,” she said. “Do you think white would be better?”

  “Don’t ask me…”

  “I only own patterned underwear.”

  “Don’t ask me!”

  “I don’t understand, why are you screaming like that when all I’m doing is asking you for advice? Are you going through menopause?”

  The sound of a drawer being opened.

  The rustling of clothes.

  Ahh, too late.

  The image was burned into my mind and wasn’t going away.

  “Araragi. Don’t tell me you were sexually aroused at the sight of my nude body.”

  “Even if I was, it’s not my fault!”

  “Just try to lay a finger on me. I know that biting off your tongue will end the ordeal.”

  “Well, aren’t you a chaste one!”

  “I’m talking about your tongue, not mine.”

  “Okay, now you have me scared!”

  I was starting to suspect that trying to understand this woman from my perspective was a fool’s errand.

  It’s beyond humans to understand humans.

  That should have been obvious.

  “Okay. You can look now.”

  “Oh yeah? Sheesh…”

  I turned away from the bookshelf and toward her.

  She was still in her underwear.

  She wasn’t even wearing socks.

  And she’d assumed a terribly provocative pose.

  “What’s your goal here?!” I yelled.

  “Come on. This is my special thanks for helping me out today, so act at least a little happy.”

  “………”

  It was her way of thanking me.

  I didn’t get it.

  If anything, I wanted an apology more than any thanks.

  “Act at least a little happy!”

  “Now you’re getting mad at me?!”

  “It’d only be polite to provide some feedback.”

  “F-Feedback…!”

  That would be polite?

  What should I tell her?

  Uhh…

  “Like,” I ventured, “Th-That’s a nice body you’ve got there?”

  “…I can’t believe you,” she spat with the kind of disgust reserved for piles of rotting garbage.

  Actually, there was a bit of pity mixed in there, too.

  “This is why you’re a life-long virgin.”

  “Life-long?! Are you a time traveler or something?!”

  “Could you please not spray your spittle? I might catch your virginity.”

  “Virginity is not something a woman can
catch!”

  Well, not that a man could, either.

  “Hold on, we’ve been talking like it’s a given that I’m a virgin!”

  “Well, isn’t it? No grade schooler would ever give you the time of day.”

  “I have two objections to that one! First, I’m not a pedophile, and second, some grade schooler somewhere would!”

  “Why state the second point if the first is true?”

  “……”

  Why indeed.

  “But you’re right,” she conceded. “I was jumping to conclusions.”

  “As long as you understand.”

  “Stop with the spittle. I might catch your except-for-pros virginity.”

  “In that case I admit that I’m a total cherry boy!”

  Having cornered me into making a shameful confession, Senjogahara gave a satisfied nod. “You should’ve come out and said so from the start. This moment of happiness is easily worth half of your remaining lifespan, so just appreciate it.”

  “Are you the Grim Reaper or what…”

  A deal to see a woman in the nude?

  A new sort of evil eye.

  “I wouldn’t worry,” Senjogahara assured as she took out and wore a white shirt over her aqua-blue bra. It seemed ridiculous to do another count of her books, so I just stared at her instead. “I wasn’t going to tell Hanekawa, you know?”

  “Hanekawa?” I asked.

  “Don’t you have a crush on her?”

  “Not true.”

  “Oh. I see you two talking all the time, so I was under that impression and thought I’d try a leading question.”

  “Keep leading questions out of everyday conversations.”

  “Shut up. Do you want to be disposed of?”

  “Just what kind of authority are you purporting to be?”

  Still, it seemed that Senjogahara was observing her classmates more than she let on. I’d wondered if she even knew that I was class vice president. No, actually, was this just another instance of her never knowing who might become her enemies one day?

  “We talk all the time because she starts conversations with me,” I explained.

  “It sounds like you’re forgetting your place. Are you trying to say that it’s Hanekawa who has a crush on you?”

  “Absolutely not,” I said. “Hanekawa only does it because she’s caring. Simply and overly caring. She has this funny, misguided notion that the worst loser in class is most in need of her sympathy. She thinks losers don’t get enough of a break or something.”

  “You’re right, how funny and misguided.” Senjogahara nodded. “The worst loser is just the worst simpleton.”

  “…Hold on, I didn’t go that far.”

  “It’s written on your face.”

  “It isn’t!”

  “I knew you’d deny it, so I wrote that there a moment ago.”

  “You can’t be that good at setting me up!”

  In the first place─

  Even without my clarifications, Senjogahara had to be familiar with Hanekawa’s personality. When I spoke to Hanekawa after class, she sounded quite─concerned for Senjogahara.

  Or maybe that was precisely the issue here.

  “So─Mister Oshino helped Hanekawa out too?”

  “Mm. I guess.”

  Senjogahara finished buttoning her shirt and was going for a white cardigan. She seemed to be figuring out the top half of her outfit before starting on the bottom. I see, I thought, so we all have our own way of dressing ourselves. Maybe my gaze didn’t bother her one bit; she was facing toward me, if anything, as she continued to get dressed.

  “Hmph,” she said.

  “So─I think it’s all right to trust him. I know he doesn’t act serious, and he’s a happy-go-lucky, flippant, and frivolous guy, but one thing I can say about him is that he’s good at what he does. You can relax. It’s not just my testimonial, Hanekawa agrees, so there’s no mistake.”

  “I see. But you know, Araragi, I’m sorry but I don’t even half-trust Mister Oshino yet. I’ve been tricked far too many times to believe him just like that.”

  “……”

  Five people─had tried similar lines on her.

  All were frauds.

  And─that probably wasn’t the full extent of it.

  “I visit the hospital out of habit, at this point. To be honest, I’ve all but resigned myself over the way my body is.”

  “Resigned…”

  What did she resign herself─to?

  What did she give up on?

  “I can’t expect to find any Van Helsings or Lord Darcys out there in our peculiar world.”

  I had no reply.

  “Though you might find a useless, bumbling sidekick or two,” she said in her most sarcastic tone. “Which is why, Araragi, I─couldn’t possibly be so optimistic as to think that a classmate who happened to catch me when I happened to slip on the stairs happened to be attacked by a vampire over spring break, and that the man who happened to save you happens also to have been involved with the class president─and moreover happens to be willing to help me.”

  And then─

  Senjogahara started taking off the cardigan.

  “You finally put that thing on, so why are you taking it off now?”

  “I forgot to dry my hair.”

  “Wait, could it be that you’re just an idiot?”

  “Please watch your mouth, Araragi? What if you hurt my feelings?”

  Her hair dryer looked absurdly expensive.

  It seemed she did pay a lot of attention to her getup.

  Viewed from that angle, Senjogahara also seemed to be wearing fairly fashionable underwear, but that target of my adulation, so enchanting an overlord of the better part of my life until a day ago, somehow looked like no more than a scrap of cloth now. It felt as though a terrible trauma were being planted in me in the present participle tense.

  “Optimistic, huh,” I said.

  “Don’t you think?”

  “Maybe. On the other hand, why not be optimistic?”

  “……”

  “It’s not like you’re doing anything wrong or cheating, so be unapologetic about it. Just like now.”

  “Like now?” Senjogahara looked puzzled. The lady didn’t seem to realize how unflappable she was. “Hm─not doing anything wrong.”

  “Right?”

  “I suppose.”

  Senjogahara wasn’t done.

  “But,” she continued. “But─I might be cheating.”

  “Huh?”

  “It’s nothing.”

  She finished tending to her hair, put away her dryer, and turned to getting dressed again. She searched her drawer for new clothes, having placed on hangers the now-damp shirt and cardigan she’d worn with her hair still wet.

  “If I’m reincarnated,” Senjogahara said, “I’d like to be Sergeant Major Kululu.”

  “……”

  Not only was this unprompted, but I felt her sadistic and self-centered behavior already put her halfway there…

  “I know what you want to say,” she accused. “Not only was that unprompted, but I could never in a million years?”

  “Well, you got it half right.”

  “I knew it.”

  “…Couldn’t you have at least said Lance Corporal Dororo?”

  “For me, the words ‘trauma switch’ are too close for comfort.”

  “I see… But you know─”

  “No ifs or bts.”

  “What the hell is a ‘bts’?”