Nisenmonogatari Part 2

by Nisioisin

  Until now, I’d considered my ideal woman to be Tsubasa Hanekawa, but had I been mistaken? Even if she didn’t top Hanekawa, did Karen give her a good run for her money?

  Whoa, whoa, hold up!

  Koyomi Araragi, stop right there! Do you hear what you’re saying?!

  What mortal could possibly compete with Tsubasa Hanekawa?!

  This was an illusion, all an illusion! I was just drunk on the bizarre situation!

  I saw that, knew it was true!

  A-And yet…

  “N-Nuhhh…” I moaned as if joining Karen in chorus.

  There was some kind of synergy. I lost sight of myself.

  My mental circuitry even entertained the possibility that I’d been born into this world just to brush Karen’s teeth.

  What an idiotic mental circuitry mine was.

  How could brushing someone’s teeth backfire so horrendously? I had stumbled into dealing with dark, forbidden arts.

  But it was far too late for regret.

  Ignorance was no defense. Ignorance would be my undoing.

  This was beyond my control. My only choice was to let the pieces fall where they may.

  “K-Karen…”

  You know─like cigarettes?

  That stuff people stick in their mouths and light up to breathe the smoke? Those super dangerous cancer sticks or whatever that are so terrible for you?

  Imagine if they were some stupendous health supplement that made you better the more you smoked.

  Would they ever have gotten as popular?

  Well, I’m still a minor, and I don’t intend to pick up the habit even when I get older, but that guy Oshino constantly letting a cigarette dangle between his lips (not that he ever lit it) had left a strong impression on me.

  You couldn’t help wondering.

  Maybe it’s precisely because it’s bad for you─because you shouldn’t─that so many people smoke. That so many don’t stop even now.

  It’s wrong, you’re not supposed to do it. Precisely for that reason─

  It’s terribly attractive.

  It’s terribly enticing.

  It’s terribly numbing.

  By the time you realize…

  By the time I realized─I’d pushed Karen down onto my bed.

  With my left hand still cradling her head, I’d leaned over her and pinned her down.

  She was bigger than me, but I only had to use a fraction of my weight─and she went down smoothly, not resisting.

  I looked at Karen. Gazed at her.

  She was swooning, melting into puddles.

  She was in heaven.

  “Karen, Karen. Karen…”

  I repeated her name, over and over. Every time I spoke it, a fever flared up from deep inside me.

  Karen’s body, too, was hot.

  “B-Big bwother…”

  Thanks to the toothbrush inserted in her mouth─well, probably even if it hadn’t been there─she was lisping, her pupils unfocused.

  Yet she said─bravely, she said:

  “B-Big bwother… Go ahead.”

  Ahead?!

  Ahead to where?!

  That’s how I’d wisecrack under normal circumstances, but I was feeling all sloppy as well.

  Sloppy. Slippery.

  Syrupy. Seeping.

  Woolly. Woozy.

  Wobbly. Worming.

  I, Koyomi Araragi, gently removed my left hand from behind Karen Araragi’s head and slowly extended it toward her breasts─

  “What in tarnation?”

  That was when a boorish, insensitive, deflating─no, a saving voice cut in.

  When I turned to look at the doorway that I had apparently left open, my other sibling, my littler little sister, that is to say Tsukihi, dressed in her traditional Japanese clothing, stood there awestruck.

  Her eyes wide as saucers, her mouth circular, she looked like one of those ancient dogu statuettes. More dumbstruck than awestruck, she might have clenched her jaw if it weren’t on the floor.

  “Koyomi? Karen? What in tarnation?”

  For some reason Tsukihi was speaking with a Kyoto accent. It fact, it sounded a little like the Gion courtesan variant.

  I guess she was confused.

  “W-Wait, Tsukihi,” I shouted, “don’t get us wrong!”

  Well, shout as I might, there was nothing to misconstrue here. This was, in fact, exactly what it looked like. The situation was pretty hard to misread.

  “Koyomi, why are you brushing Karen’s teeth and pushing her down on your bed with loving kindness written all over your face? And Karen, why are you dressed in my clothes with a swoon in your eyes when Koyomi is pinning you on his bed?”

  Tsukihi had recovered her senses enough to drop her accent, but the question she posed wasn’t as easy to dismiss.

  Her wide-open eyes regained their normal shape to a degree─but only because she was narrowing them in reproach. We’d gone from circles to triangles.

  The cold stare, coming from Tsukihi, was enough to shock me and Karen back to our senses.

  Once I snapped out of it─

  It was just as Tsukihi said. In other words, her question couldn’t be dismissed.

  “Gosh! Why am I brushing Karen’s teeth and pushing her down on my bed with loving kindness written all over my face?!”

  “Whaaat? Why am I dressed in your clothes with a swoon in my eyes when Koyomi is pinning me on his bed?!”

  “Unbelievable!”

  “Unbelievable!”

  It was unbelievable. I’d never been so shocked in my life.

  That…was…close!

  Now there was a line you didn’t cross!

  Taboo, too taboo!

  “Y-You saved us, Tsukihi! Thank you!”

  “Y-You saved us, Tsukihi! Thank you!”

  Said Karen and I, in unison.

  It wasn’t just our voices that were in synch. We whipped our bodies in Tsukihi’s direction and thrust a finger at her, our movements perfectly identical.

  If this were synchronized swimming, we were golden.

  Under the circumstances, though, our synchronicity only worsened the impression we made on Tsukihi. There was no upside.

  A tin medal at the arcade was all we were going to win.

  I mean, I was still propped on top of Karen as we spoke.

  “Huh… Huh.”

  Indeed, what Tsukihi did next was to nod with great interest.

  Her eyes were no longer even narrowed, but shut tight, and her face was expressionless.

  Karen and I were breathing hard, for an entirely different reason this time.

  We were awaiting judgment, anxiously.

  Viscous beads of sweat slithered across my skin.

  “Yup…”

  When Tsukihi raised her head, her face was cheerful and bright.

  It looked like we were going to receive a sympathetic verdict. Maybe allowances would be made for extenuating circumstances, or at the least we would get a suspended sentence. Karen and I perked up.

  “Would you two mind staying right there?” requested Tsukihi. “I’m going to pop over to the convenience store to buy myself an awl.”

  Swoosh, went the rug out from under our feet.

  A death sentence.

  Man, an awl…

  With a grin frozen on her face yet unsmiling, Tsukihi, at anger level 99, went out into the hall. Wham, she slammed the door behind her with withering force.

  “Tsukihi,” Karen shouted after her, “I don’t think they sell awls at the convenience store! You’re going to have to go to a dedicated hardware store!”

  The comment seemed a little misguided. Tsukihi ignored it completely.

  Her feet went pounding down the stairs, and then soon all was quiet.

  Yikes. What had just happened?

  This was pure pandemonium. Even if she couldn’t buy an awl at a convenience store, with the mood she was in, she’d find one somewhere.

  What to do?

  Well, the more pressing issue w
as probably what was going to be done to us.

  “Koyomi, you’re crushing me,” Karen complained as I wracked my head.

  “Oh, sorry.”

  I got off of her. She sat up as well and rearranged her disheveled de facto miniskirt. She seemed a little self-conscious.

  A shy Karen was a rare sight. Usually, nothing embarrassed her.

  “Koyomi, about our match?”

  “Huh?”

  Match? Was that word supposed to mean something to me? Was it the name of some plant? One of the vocabulary words I’d memorized that morning?

  When I cocked my head in confusion, she added, “It’s been way more than five minutes.”

  Ah, right. Now that she mentioned it, this whole incident had started as a match between us. Finally remembering, I glanced up at the clock.

  Indeed, the five minutes were up. Or rather, fifteen minutes had passed.

  No wonder Tsukihi stumbled on us like that.

  “Aw, shucks…”

  Ouch. I’d lost.

  Actually, putting aside having lost, I had to give props to Karen for her tenacity. It was time for me to cede her the respect she was owed.

  I may have forgotten myself partway through, but anyone who could withstand such extreme punishment deserved kudos.

  For fifteen minutes, too. She was a monster.

  “Ha, I guess you got me… A promise is a promise. Okay, okay, Karen, I’ll introduce you to Kanbaru.”

  That didn’t mean I liked it one bit, but if Karen really wanted to meet Kanbaru, I didn’t have any reason to interfere. Or at least no right.

  I did suspect they would get along. They were two of a kind, after all.

  “You did well, Karen. Victory is yours. Yup, I guess today was my turn to lose. I give.”

  “Mm-m…”

  Despite my congratulations, her response seemed lukewarm.

  Ahem, she cleared her throat loudly as I wondered what was up. Ahem, ah-h-hem.

  She coughed several times, apparently on purpose─and then hunched her large frame into a coy ball.

  “K-Koyomi.”

  “Yeah?”

  “W-Well, if you want, I mean only if you insist, I guess we could go for two out of three.”

  “……”

  “S-See, Tsukihi interrupted us before we were done, so usually it wouldn’t count. B-Besides, we’ve got plenty of time to kill until she gets back. I wouldn’t mind keeping you company for a few more rounds…”

  Feigning extreme nonchalance, her cheeks flushing red as she made her proposal, Karen glanced at me bashfully.

  “Well…” I─quietly gripped the toothbrush, which was still in my hand. “I-In that case, I’ll request a rematch…maybe?”

  “O-Of course. I wouldn’t want to r-run…from a challenge… I accept!”

  “Sh-Should we switch dealers?”

  “Okay. Th-That only sounds fair!”

  Neither of us meeting the other’s eyes─we plunged into a best-of-three match.

  Which is how, as of that morning…

  Karen and I began to get along just a little better.

  004

  Thus ends the flashback.

  And so I was currently heading to Kanbaru’s with Karen.

  A promise may have been a promise, but considering nothing was written down, I was under no obligation to keep it. Still, a promise is a promise is a promise.

  I would accept my role as their mediator, their go-between. With that decision made, my one condition for Karen was that she change immediately─which is why she was now dressed in a jersey.

  Of course, since she was about to meet the great Kanbaru-sensei, it was no ordinary jersey. It was her best outfit, the lucky one she only wore on special occasions: a loud and flashy, fluorescent bicycle-racing jersey finished off on the bottom with a smart set of cycling shorts.

  I guess no one asked for that info…

  But why did my sister own a bicycle-racing jersey when she didn’t even own a bicycle? It seemed bizarre.

  I did own a bicycle, by the way, but wasn’t riding it.

  Although I wouldn’t go so far as to say that Kanbaru’s house was isolated, it was a bit far to walk. Nevertheless, I decided to hoof it because I wanted to avoid riding two on a bike (not on principle, just with my sister).

  She’d been walking on her hands instead of her hooves.

  Now I was riding on her shoulders.

  You know, once you got used to it, it was actually kind of fun being up so high.

  Well, my reluctance to ride two to a bicycle with my little sister leading to me riding on her shoulders proved how halting and awkward our conversations were, even if we were getting along a little better.

  As for Karen, she usually wasn’t quite this much of a dunderhead, but I guess she was so worked up or worked over at the thought of meeting Kanbaru that her brain had plain stopped working.

  However.

  What I hadn’t expected was Kanbaru’s response.

  Introducing them hardly qualified as a good deed and it didn’t have to be today, but I figured if I was going to keep my promise, I might as well do it soon. Immediately afterward (as in immediately after escaping, by the skin of our teeth, the demonic glint of Tsukihi’s awl, a part of the story that is too realistic to be funny and that I therefore omit), I rang Kanbaru’s cell phone.

  As I mentioned earlier, it was the middle of summer, during the Obon holidays. Since Kanbaru already lived with her grandfather and grandmother, there was no need for her to go away to visit her country home.

  The call did connect, but her reaction surprised me.

  “I don’t know, my senior Araragi. That doesn’t sound like a very good idea. I did express my interest in your little sister, but it was just a joke. I wasn’t being serious.”

  That didn’t sound like Kanbaru at all. Perverted fool or not, she was just about the most big-hearted person of anyone I knew. She definitely wasn’t the type to act shy.

  When I pressed her, she seemed genuinely distressed.

  “As grateful as I am that you would think of me, I wouldn’t feel right taking your sister’s virginity.”

  “Who said you could?!” I’d rather take it myself in that case! Drop dead!

  “I do appreciate the thought.”

  “You can’t have the thought either! There’s nothing about my sister you can have!”

  And so.

  Kanbaru’s unexpected response just meant she was the same wonderful woman I’d come to know and expect. Eventually, after a little pushing, I was able to successfully arrange a noontime visit to her house with Karen.

  “Sure thing,” Kanbaru said. “I’ll put on clothes and wait for you.”

  “Why is nudity the default…”

  I nearly changed my mind again about introducing them, but after coming this far, it wouldn’t be right.

  Karen would beat the crap out of me. I wouldn’t like that.

  “Koyomi,” Karen asked suddenly from below, “you know how the number for ambulance services and fire fighters is the same? 119. Why is that? Isn’t that a little confusing? Does a fire truck ever show up when someone meant to call an ambulance, and vice versa?”

  ……

  What a silly question. What even made her think of that? I’m pretty sure we hadn’t passed any emergency vehicles.

  “Maybe it does happen once in a while,” I answered. “But if there were three emergency numbers, for the police, ambulances, and the fire department, and they were all different, won’t people have trouble remembering them all?”

  “All? It’s only three numbers. And they’re three digits each. How could anyone have trouble remembering that much?”

  “Well, just think about it. Have you ever meant to call the weather forecast and gotten the current time instead?”