Single and Forced to Mingle

by Melissa Croce

  6. Lastly, would you want any unnecessary, completely cosmetic/beauty procedures to be covered? a. Nope. No thanks, I don’t want any injections or sculpting or augments or decreases or whatever. Society and its gross beauty standards can kiss my ass.

  b. I don’t want anything major, but honestly, it would be nice to have a facial or a massage covered, especially after an unusually horrendous event. Aunt Carol’s negativity is aging.

  c. Yes, as many as possible. Give me enough Botox to look as numb on the outside as I feel on the inside!

  RESULTS: IF YOU PICKED…

  Mostly A’s: You and Devin met in a yoga class, and you, while trying to regulate your breathing in downward dog, couldn’t help but be impressed with their perfect pigeon pose. Devin loves to make kombucha, spend afternoons weeding in their community garden, and explain to you what the different recycling numbers mean (they made you a chart; it hangs on your fridge). You’ve been dating for two months, and your future breakup will occur when Devin decides to be That White Person and grows dreads, no matter how many articles on cultural appropriation you send their way. Yikes!

  Mostly B’s: You and Chris met at a hockey game your friends dragged you to; you couldn’t care less about the sport, but they had an extra ticket, and you take great amusement in befuddling the Serious Sports Fans around you by shouting to the players as though they’re Magic Mike strippers instead of professional athletes. Chris was sitting next to you and, to their credit, was also mostly amused by your outlandish behavior. Chris enjoys playing in a rec-league softball team, microbreweries, and going to the farmers’ market on Sundays. You’ve been dating for five months, and when pressed, you’ll say that your amicable split will happen when you both decide that you don’t really have that much physical chemistry and are better off as friends. Alas.

  Mostly C’s: You met Alex in a bar, but it’s not what you think: both of your workplaces happened to have happy-hour events in each half of the bar, and you ran into each other (literally) on the way back from the bathrooms. Alex looked very good in that chic blazer, and their ambition was a major turn-on; you spent the rest of the night chatting. Alex enjoys running marathons, doing crossword puzzles in pen, and doesn’t believe in sleeping in. Ever. You’ve been dating for nearly four months, and sadly, while Alex’s ambition is what drew you to them, ultimately their commitment to their job overshadows any commitment to you. You break up just before the next big event. Tragic!

  WISH-FULFILLMENT MOVIES THAT NETFLIX SHOULD TOTALLY MAKE

  Netflix has really stepped up its game when it comes to their original movies. They range from sweet book adaptations like To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before to delightfully ridiculous holiday rom-coms like The Knight Before Christmas. Whether viewers are looking for wish fulfillment or just pure bonkers-level escapism, there’s a scrap of daydream-level fantasy inherent in each movie.

  Those fantasies are not unlike the ones described on page 87, in which elaborate scenarios with Gilmore Girl–esque dialogues are constructed and could include a chance meeting with your celebrity crush, the perfect verbal quip against your nemesis, or perhaps closure on something you’ve never quite moved on from—aka, the key component of many Netflix movies.

  Below are some movie ideas that Netflix should absolutely take and make that will absolutely fulfill every fantasy. They can’t be any worse than some of the ones they’ve already created, anyway!

  Hermitella

  The Main Character is exhausted from relentless professional and personal commitments and their life is in utter shambles because they haven’t had time to do what they need to do. In the midst of their busy life, they manage to do a kind deed for an old woman, who later reveals herself to be a fairy godmother! (Just go with me here.) The Main Character wishes to have absolutely no obligations or commitments for a month and their wish is granted. The rest of the movie is just a montage of them cleaning and organizing their apartment, Marie Kondo style, doing errands they’ve been putting off for months, grocery shopping, going to the gym, making progress in their enormous To Be Read pile of books by their bedside, and sleeping. Lots of sleeping. They emerge from their hibernation feeling refreshed and rejuvenated!

  I’ll Be (the Only One) Home for Christmas

  Single millennials come back to their hometown for the holidays, dreading well-meaning but invasive questions about their life, particularly why are they single, and when will they give their parents grandchildren. To their complete delight, absolutely no one in their family asks about their dating life unless the millennials themselves bring it up first, and their questions are polite, appropriate follow-ups. The holidays pass enjoyably and without drama, and the millennial is actually looking forward to going home next year!

  Sex Outside of the City

  The Protagonist, who has a “high-powered” career in The City, comes home to their suburban/rural town for a holiday/funeral/reunion/complex legal matter and reconnects with their childhood best friend of the opposite sex (who is a fully fleshed character with their own hopes, dreams, and obstacles). Despite the wishes of both of their families, they do not fall in love because they’re both hella gay, and instead team up to be excellent wing-people for each other with a comedy-of-errors type of narrative. In the end, the Protagonist does not want to, nor do they have to, give up the life they love in The City for their new romantic partner; instead, they agree to take it slow and see what happens, doing long distance! And they remain in contact with their childhood best friend, of course.

  12 Days of Closure

  The Main Character gets a chance to say exactly what they need to with absolutely zero consequences or repercussions to twelve people in their life, ranging from ex-partners to ex-friends to useless bosses to annoying coworkers to racist relatives. Of course, the Main Character gets to choose the time and place, and obviously they’re looking their best when it happens (cool, but not trying too hard). They then are able to say the thing they’ve always wanted to say, worded in the absolute perfect way that is the correct balance of witty yet sincere, cutting yet not cruel. Everyone reacts in exactly the way the Main Character wants, and if there are any arguments the Main Character always wins them. And the best part? The happy ending is that they finally get to move on.

  MILLENNIAL MASH

  Remember MASH? You know, that game you played in elementary/middle/let’s-be-honest-probably-high-school, too, at sleepovers, on field trips, and at long sports/dance/cheer tournaments? At a time in your life when the future was probably super exciting and something to be fantasized about instead of being super scary and nebulous like a carbon monoxide cloud? Well, who says you can’t relive the past, if only for five minutes! Forget about your current worries and go back in time like it’s 1999 with this updated version of MASH.

  If you’ve never played before, no worries, because it’s actually super simple: Basically this is a Wish Fulfillment game in which, totally by chance, you “determine” your future life. You’re able to put in your top choices/dreams, while someone else (usually your friend) will choose some awful options “just for fun.”

  To determine how you’ll figure out this mystical future, usually your friend would draw a “magic swirl,” and when you tell them to stop they count the rings. With that number, you “count” your future. For example, if the number of rings is seven, then you count every option in your list, regardless of category, and every seventh option is crossed out. Once you’re down to the last option in each category, that’s what your future will be. (If you’re playing alone, which you probably are—no offense—just pick a random number between one and ten or roll a pair of dice.) I have to admit, for me, MASH could be nerve-racking back in the day, even though I knew it wasn’t real; on the flip side, there were definitely certain MASH sheets of paper that I admit I kept for years after as though it really was an oracle of my future.

  Push comes to shove, this can make for a great “fake” story to use at get-togethers if you’re single. If you�
��re feeling really daring, you can bring it out no matter how ridiculous it sounds and see if anyone calls you out on it. Honestly, if you say it with enough confidence, I’m sure at the very least any hard-of-hearing great-uncles won’t know the difference!

  McMansion in cookie-cutter LA neighborhood

  Apartment in your favorite city

  Shack, aka run-down apartment in Brooklyn with five roommates

  House in a suburb somewhere

  SPOUSE

  JOB

  # OF KIDS

  Favorite celebrity crush

  What your mom’s job was

  0

  High school nemesis

  Your current job

  10

  The cute barista

  Your dream job

  3

  Your last ex

  The most boring job you can think of

  1

  VEHICLE

  PET

  SALARY

  Your current vehicle

  A cat who tolerates you

  Minimum wage

  The NYC Subway forever

  A dog who loves you

  Jeff Bezos money

  Your dream car

  A parrot who won’t shut up

  Current wage

  Wheelie shoes

  No pets, ever

  $0

  DRAW YOUR “MAGIC SWIRL” HERE:

  YOUR MAGIC NUMBER IS: ________________

  In conclusion: Congratulations, and welcome to your future, courtesy of MASH! In this fantasy, you will be married to ________________. You will live in a ________________ with your ________________ children and your pet, a ________________. Your job will be ________________, which will pay you ________________, and you will commute there in ________________.

  IF CLASSIC LITERARY HEROINES WERE MODERN-DAY MILLENNIAL WOMEN

  If you’re familiar with any or all of these women, you know that in their own ways, they’re pretty phenomenal, especially for the respective time periods in which they were created. But perhaps, like me, it’s bothered you to know that their potential was hampered because of when they were “alive” and their identities as women. Which, so unfair! We all know, for instance, that if Lady Macbeth were alive today, she would be giving Kris Jenner a run for her money.

  Following is a further indulgence of some musings on what these ladies would be like if they were both a) real and b) alive today:

  Emma Woodhouse: In theory, Emma Woodhouse should be absolutely the most annoying, tone-deaf, spoiled white rich girl alive. In reality, somehow I (and many others) find her simply charming—whether that’s because I’ve been influenced by Clueless or Jane Austen is just that talented (I’m going to say both), Emma remains an Icon to this day. And you know what? I don’t even blame her for getting up in everybody’s business, because what else was she supposed to do? Work on needlework and calm her dad’s neuroses 24/7? No, thanks. Emma is absolutely a woman who needs a career, whether that’s managing an entire company or, better yet, being an organizational psychologist, where she can sweep into various companies throughout the country (with her trusty assistant, Harriet Smith, by her side) and tell them exactly how they should be doing things for maximum efficiency and employee happiness. And if that’s where she happens to meet some uptight-accountant-lawyer type named Mr. Knightley (who’s age appropriate and doesn’t go around saying gross things like “I’ve loved you since you were thirteen”), then all the better! Equally likely is that Emma would be a serial monogamist who would be quite happy having multiple semiserious relationships throughout her life but would be entirely too busy to settle down completely.

  Jane Eyre: Oh, Jane. Man, do I love Jane Eyre a whole lot, and think that she in particular Deserved Better than the circumstances she was dealt in her eponymous book. Much like Elizabeth Bennet, Jane also didn’t settle to marry one of various men just for stability (I’m looking particularly at you, creepy cousin St. John Rivers). And to be honest, I was so bummed when she ended up marrying Rochester at the end of the book. Hot take: We just think Rochester is dreamy because he was most recently played by Michael Fassbender, but he’s actually a terrible person! Listen, the heart wants what it wants, but if Jane had more options in life (regardless of the money she inherited) I don’t think she would’ve actually married him. Jane had an inherently independent spirit and throughout the book was given opportunities to travel, but only with men as their wife (France with Mr. Rochester; India with St. John). Ideally, Jane would be able to see the world on her own terms. Honestly, it would be great to see Jane develop lifelong friendships for emotional support rather than relying on men who only see her as a potential wife.

  Jo March: Confession time: As a child after first reading Little Women, I was absolutely livid when author Louisa May Alcott a) had Jo not marry Laurie, b) had Laurie marry Amy (sigh, Amy), and c) had Jo marry gross old Professor Bhaer. While I’m still pretty cranky about point c), I now see that, with wisdom and experience with #fuckbois, having Jo marry Laurie would’ve been a terrible idea. At most, Jo and Laurie should’ve just been high school sweethearts who lost their virginity to each other and then broke up when they left for their respective colleges (he bought his way into some Ivy school as a legacy, and she went to an all-girls school—Mount Holyoke or Smith if she wanted to stick closer to home, or Scripps if she wanted to get as far away as possible). For the sake of the story, let’s say Jo went to Scripps because she wanted to eventually end up in Hollywood, writing scripts for television shows. Would Jo ever marry? To constantly and consistently compare Jo to her creator, Louisa May, who herself never married, seems like a cop-out, but at the same time, it seems unlikely that modern-day Jo would ever marry, unless it was to someone who was just as obsessed with their craft/work as Jo is. Or, you know, she’d at least marry someone superhot, like Cate Blanchett.

  Anne Shirley: If anyone ever thinks that gingers don’t have souls (ahem, South Park), then they’ve never read Anne of Green Gables, because the redheaded Anne Shirley has enough soul for about five people combined. She’s dreamy and adventurous and finds wonder in everyday things, which this little cynic finds pretty noble. (Wonder and joy? In this political climate? In this economy? Sounds fake.) But regardless of whether she’s living in the late nineteenth century or the early twenty-first, Anne Shirley’s indomitable spirit would be a constant. Of all the women on this list, she was the only one who went to college, and she had a short-lived career as a teacher and principal before she married the dreamy and devoted Gilbert Blythe (side question: Would Gilbert qualify as a modern-day “Wife Guy”?). Anne still would’ve gone to college and married Gilbert, but she wouldn’t have been a teacher. She loved writing short stories and poetry and absolutely would’ve pursued her MFA. Her lifelong goal would be to have a short story published in The New Yorker, and in the meantime she’d have a fake Instagram just for her poetry. (Look out, Atticus!)

  Juliet Capulet: I have a lot of sympathy for Juliet Capulet. She gets a bad rap, but I think that’s because her and Romeo’s story frequently gets misrepresented in pop culture as a romance, when it’s actually a tragedy. Both she and Romeo are dismissed as horny teenagers (which, to be fair, they are), but in reality they’re pawns in a complex social structure involving their noble, feuding families. Juliet deserved to be a normal teenager. Instead of dying in a crypt as a victim of an interfering weird priest’s machinations, modern-day teenaged Juliet would’ve totally dated dreamy, sensitive Romeo after meeting at their rival high schools’ football game or probably the after-party at someone’s house. Dating a boy from a “rival” school would’ve been incredibly mysterious and fun, especially if it got her out of boring business dinners with her dad and his creepy associate Paris (let’s be real: this Paris would not have been a young Paul Rudd). Alas, all good things must come to an end, including love, because she probably would’ve dumped Romeo two weeks later for his much hotter, much more interesting friend Mercutio, who, unlike Romeo, emphatically did not m
ake and recite terrible, cheesy poetry to her. As for Romeo? He would’ve been just fine, because that’s a guy who bounces back quickly (remember how he claimed he was in love with fair Rosaline until he saw Juliet?). I would say “all’s well that ends well,” but that’s an entirely different story, and, to paraphrase John Mulaney, we don’t have time to unpack all of that.

  Beatrice: The protagonist from the comedy Much Ado About Nothing is an MVP and she’s truly the greatest. For example: When her enemies-to-lovers boyfriend, Benedick, told her he loved her, she was like, “Okay, you do? Prove it. Go kill your best friend, who broke my cousin’s heart and caused her untimely death.” She was metal as hell and did what she had to do. An Icon! She’s honestly perfect. Could you imagine who she would be in the twenty-first century? The idea is almost too powerful. She would 100 percent have an awesome podcast, at the very least, talking about feminism in some new and nuanced way, with a lot of guest hosts to properly discuss intersectionality. When not podcasting, she would probably spend a lot of her time stumping for progressive female political candidates. (Does she already have a custom-made Ocasio-Cortez 2028 sticker? Without a doubt.) If Beatrice were American, Thanksgiving would be an absolute nightmare for her family, as she would consider the dinner table just another political battlefield, but you know she would have a great time speaking her mind, as per usual. Would she still marry Benedick? Who can say, but those two would absolutely have a lot of “hate” sex before realizing that, oh, wait, they might’ve caught feelings along the way.

  Hester Prynne: Hester of The Scarlet Letter was another lady who deserved far, far better than the circumstances in which she lived. Was Puritanical America fun for anyone? (The white men and the ministers, probably.) Subjected to wearing that A while her lover could hide in plain sight, Hester and her daughter, Pearl, were outcasts for years until finally the truth came out and her late husband’s money could ensure that she and Pearl had a life outside of their heinous town. That’s cold consolation, though, for the abuses and injustices that Hester was subjected to, so it’s far more pleasant to imagine her in modern-day times, in which she could’ve had more choices as to whether or not to keep Pearl, and if she did, she wouldn’t be a moral outcast because of it. Hester was an awesome seamstress, and could’ve pursued a fashion career (for example, Hester could have become the next Rachel Green à la Friends, except obviously unlike Rachel, she wouldn’t have gotten back together with Ross, ew), earning a living for her and her child. Dimmesdale and Chillingworth could’ve lived their lives as deadbeats or whatever, who honestly cares, but Hester would’ve been just fine (and, to the disgruntlement of her hometown’s nosy residents, completely off the grid regarding social media, so they couldn’t even cyber-stalk her to see what she was up to).