by Julie Hall
I slammed my locker shut and walked down the hall without responding to Kaitlin. I was being a jerk; it certainly wasn’t her fault I was arrested for underage drinking. I was lucky they hadn’t stuck me with a DUI charge as well. They certainly could have because it was obvious that I had driven the car to the overlook.
I was eighteen and about to graduate from high school, and hated being treated like a child. It rubbed me the wrong way.
Bumming rides off friends was a real pain.
But not only that, the feeling of ‘off-ness’ still hadn’t gone away. It nagged and picked at me daily.
“Hey, wait up!” Kaitlin called after me. I slowed my gait. “Come on, Logan. I know you. There’s something else bothering you.”
I arched a brow. She wasn’t wrong. She knew me well enough to pick up on that fact, but she also should have known I wasn’t big on talking about my feelings and such. I liked to work stuff out on my own. Even though Kaitlin and I were close, the number of times I had actually confided in her about deeper issues was minimal.
“Are you being serious, right now?” I asked.
She gave me a playful shove. “Don’t give me that look. I know I’m right, and it isn’t something that just came up. You’ve been acting . . . different, for a while now. Something is bothering you. I can tell.” She narrowed her eyes and went up on her toes, and forcefully grabbed my head, tilting it side to side as if she was searching for something buried in my hair.
“Hey, cut it out,” I swatted her away, “What the heck are you doing?”
“Yep, it’s just as I feared.” What was this chick talking about? “The gears in there are definitely turning, but they’re a little rusty and covered in cobwebs, so it’s taking you extra long to work it out. You are in obvious need of a good friend, right now.”
I barked out an involuntary laugh before rolling my eyes at her. “You’re a weirdo, you know that?”
She shrugged, her smile still in place. “Takes one to know one.”
“Whatever.” Sometimes there was nothing to do but shake your head at Kaitlin. “I’m headed to class.” A few more weeks until I was out of here, then I could concentrate on my surfing career full time.
That was another point of contention with my parents. I wanted to go pro, and they wanted me to go to college instead. I’d been accepted to several schools. Between my decent grades and my surfing skills I had even snagged a few privately-funded scholarships for student athletes.
I’d been competing in the juniors for years . . . and yeah, I may be jumping the gun a little early by trying to go pro right out of high school, but I at least wanted to give it a shot.
My parents’ argument was to go to college and spend the time getting a degree and perfecting my sport, but I didn’t want to waste four years when I could be doing what I loved every day.
Before I could leave, Kaitlin grabbed my arm, her expression morphing into one that rarely graced her face . . . seriousness sprinkled with a dose of uncertainty.
“Hey, do you think we could talk sometime? Even if you don’t want to open up—I get that, by the way—but there has been some stuff I’ve been thinking about lately and I wanted someone to . . .” she lifted and dropped a single shoulder, “I don’t know, I guess just someone I trusted I could talk to it about.”
My body drained of all levity as my concern for Kaitlin rose. I grasped her shoulders and turned her to face me fully. She wouldn’t look me in the eyes as she played with the end of her ponytail.
“Kaitlin, what’s wrong?” My voice had dropped an octave. If someone was messing with her, they were in for a world of hurt. A shiver of fear ran through me at the thought that she might be in some sort of trouble. I ignored it as I waited for her to answer.
She heaved a sigh before finally meeting my gaze. “It’s nothing like what you’re thinking, Logan. I’m fine, really. In fact . . .” she paused and her brows pinched as she chose her next words, “for the first time everything might actually be . . . right.”
Confused I tilted my head like a puppy trying to interpret its owner’s words. And then she laughed.
Laughed. In. My. Face.
Was she messing with me right now? If so, I was never going to take anything she said seriously again.
“I’m sorry, Logan. Your expression right now . . . it’s just priceless.” She hiccuped, and then slapped a hand to her mouth to stop any more noise from escaping.
“Hey, you two, get a room already!” someone down the hall yelled. The comment was followed by a couple of hoots and inappropriate remarks.
I rolled my eyes. We got random junk like that all the time. Just because we looked like we’d make a cute couple or whatever, didn’t mean it was ever going to happen. She was like a sister to me.
Kaitlin scrunched her nose in disgust, mirroring my thought. If I hadn’t felt the same I might have been offended.
“That’s gross.”
I grabbed my chest as if I’d been shot. “Ouch. You mean you don’t want to get a room with me? That hurts. Haven’t you heard? I’m irresistible,” I said with a wink.
“I repeat, gross. Maybe if I hadn’t seen you eat your boogers in middle school you might be marginally attractive to me, but yeah, no. That’s never happening.”
A roar of laughter rose in my chest and escaped my lips.
“I’m a guy, Kaitlin. We all do gross stuff at one time or another. It’s a given.”
“Yeah, well, that pretty much sealed the deal for me. You,” she finished her statement with a pointed finger in my face, “are forever planted in the friend zone.”
I chuckled at our banter since it put me in a better mood, all of our heavy talk forgotten for the moment. Messing with Kaitlin was a fun sport of mine. I tossed an arm around her neck and led her in the direction of both of our first-period classes.
“Don’t let my adolescent behaviors get around. I got a rep with all the ladies to uphold.”
“Yes,” Kaitlin deadpanned, “I’m very aware of your rep.”
Nothing like a good friend to keep your ego in check.
“Say something,” Kaitlin pleaded with both her eyes and words.
“You . . . found God?” I shifted awkwardly in the too small plastic chair. Being after school, we had the library basically to ourselves. I cast a quick glance around just to make sure no one had overheard Kaitlin’s confession. I didn’t want to make her feel weird, but her admission had been a little out there, even for me. I’d prepared myself to sit through an emotional monologue about her failed attempts at snagging some guy . . . boy, was I wrong.
“Don’t say it like that. You make it sound like I’ve joined a cult or something.”
“Well . . . have you?” I widened my eyes unnaturally large, “Wait, did you drink any funny-smelling Kool-Aid while you were at one of those meetings?”
“Gosh, Logan. No! Geez, dramatic much?”
I lifted my hands up in defense. Truth was I didn’t know what to say, so I resorted to jokes. What Kaitlin had just described to me poked at that spot inside I’d been trying to ignore. The itchy feeling was back and something about this conversation made me really uncomfortable, and I was using humor to hide it.
“Look, it’s not like I’m trying to convince you of anything. I just wanted to tell you what’s been going on with me.”
Kaitlin’s shoulders hunched and she played with the end of her ponytail, something she often did when nervous. Her eyes were downcast. Everything in her posture spoke of vulnerability and here I was cracking jokes to cover my own conflicted heart.
I took in a huge breath of air and let it out slowly, then ran a hand through my hair, not caring in the least the crazy directions I sent it.
“Hey,” I laid a gentle hand on her shoulder, “I’m sorry for making light of this. I just don’t . . .” It was my turn to look for the right words, but they were missing. “I just don’t know what to say.”
A weak smile touched Kaitlin’s lips. “You don’t need
to say anything, okay? I just wanted an ear to listen.”
I could do that for her. “Okay. Whenever you want to talk about this stuff, I promise I’ll listen. I may not get what’s going on with you right now, but I can be that friend.”
“Thanks, Logan,” she leaned forward and gave me a quick squeeze, “I’d better head to practice now. I’ll see you later, okay?”
I forced a wide smile. “Yep, definitely.”
An hour after Kaitlin left I was still sitting in the same chair, running over everything she’d said.
“Give me a break, Logan,” Kaitlin’s eyes, as well as her words, held a world of skepticism, “Like you never thought all of this could be part of a bigger design.” Her hand swept wide to indicate the world around us.
We were hanging out in my favorite spot. Or rather ex-favorite spot. Getting arrested for the first time in a location kind of steals the luster away. We watched the ocean’s waves tumble and roll toward shore. Salty mist would irritate my nose a few moments after each large wave crashed against the cliff beneath us.
“I don’t buy it,” Kaitlin continued, “I’ve seen you deep in thought enough—especially these last few months—to know that something else besides ‘girls’ is rolling around that dusty shell you call a brain.”
I scoffed. “We both know my brain is very high functioning—” I was cut off by Kaitlin’s own scoff, “What? Would you like to compare SAT scores?”
She sealed her lips and narrowed her eyes in mock anger.
“And I think you’re severely underestimating the amount of time guys spend thinking about girls.”
“You’re probably right about that second one.”
“And the first?”
“Oh, shut it!” she said and smacked my mid-section. Laughter rumbled from my gut.
“Don’t be a hater.”
She rolled her eyes and I knew we were on safer ground. She was right. Some of the things she had been talking about these last few months had started to make a little too much sense to me. We’d graduated a few weeks back and after many arguments with my parents, I was about to start my run to become a pro-surfer. So, I don’t even know why I was giving Kaitlin’s talks a second thought.
I had agreed to be a sounding board—it was the least I could do as her friend—but that was it. Somewhere along the way a God of the universe didn’t sound quite as crazy as it had when she had first brought it up to me. And now that didn’t just make me uncomfortable, it scared me on a level even I didn’t understand.
All it would take would be to let go of my old beliefs, and embrace what was starting to resonate as truth . . . but I wasn’t ready to pry my fingers loose quite yet. I didn’t want anything to derail the plans I had for the future. Even if that meant ignoring the changes stirring inside my heart.
Three months into the pro-surfing circuit and it was exactly how I had expected it to be. Which left me feeling exactly how I hadn’t expected to feel.
Hollow.
I lay on my board, staring into the cloudless blue Hawaiian skies as I bobbed in the water past the break. My body moved up and down to the lazy rhythm of the ocean as the coolness of the water on my backside warred with the Pacific sun’s rays beating down on me from above.
It was still too early in the fall to worry about sharks migrating up from the south, not that sharks were ever a big concern of mine. For the most part you left them alone, and they left you alone. With arms stretched out on either side, I probably appeared to be a juicy snack to any great white. But my mind wasn’t really focused on any of that. Instead, it was rolling around making friends with that hollow feeling inside.
It made no sense. The surfing was amazing. Yeah, the competition was intense, but I lived for that kind of stuff. I enjoyed the challenge and constant drive to excel, adrenaline pumping in my veins, my focus crystal clear. Almost nothing else could compare to being out in the free, wild waters where I was one with the ocean.
Most of the other surfers were cool guys, so no complaints there. The parties . . . well they were as unbelievable as I’d expected. So again, no surprises. And the girls . . . ah . . . yeah, the girls were also something I expected would come with going pro. I’d never had trouble in that department before, but I didn’t like the feeling that I was a commodity to them now. Even though I was new to the major leagues of this sport, the girls looked at me like their meal ticket now . . . or at the very least a bragging right.
I watched other surfers use what was freely offered to them and consider it a perk of the sport, but something about it didn’t sit well with me anymore. No one around me seemed to care the way I did. Part of me longed for the oblivion I had lived in before, even if I now saw it for what it was . . . simply chasing after the wind. A poor imitation of something that was supposed to hold more meaning.
For the millionth time, I wondered what exactly was going on with me. There was only one thing for certain; something needed to change.
I was straddling a fence refusing to pick a side, and it made my life grayer by the day.
I was currently in off-season training. Technically speaking, surfing was a year-around sport. The athletes simply chased the warm weather and the waves. After getting my feet wet in the pros so soon after graduation, I had decided to take a short break from competition to get ready for the official winter season to start. There were lots of surfers who did the same, so I was still surrounded by the community and lifestyle. Currently in a lull between tournaments, I used this time to train where the next big tournaments would start to pick up again.
I kept loose track of some of my friends from high school via one form of social media or another, but for the most part, I knew those friendships probably wouldn’t last much longer. Except for Kaitlin, who reached out over calls or texts on a weekly basis, mostly with updates on her life at UCLA where she’d joined the volleyball team as a walk-on. But, sometimes she’d ask me deeper questions about how I was doing. I considered ignoring some of her messages, though years of friendship and loyalty refused to let me.
Some vital part of me had begun to change so many months ago, and I tried my hardest to ignore the constant scratch that pestered me. I kept telling myself to move on, that it would go away with time. But more and more my conversations with Kaitlin crept back into my consciousness. No amount of shoving them to the recesses of my mind would keep them buried any longer. And that annoyed me to no end.
I was due for a trip home in a few weeks and I knew there was a reunion party brewing already. Ha! Reunion party for people who had been apart for less than six months seemed silly to me, but I promised Kaitlin I’d be there, so I would.
If only this restlessness would leave me. I just wanted . . . peace.
“Be still, and know that I am God.”
I sat up so fast I dumped myself right off my board. Some pro-surfer I was. I surfaced quickly and coughed to free my lungs of the briny water I’d inhaled, and then grabbed my board with one arm as I looked around the ocean to see who had spoken.
What was that?
It was just like the night I’d been stargazing, before I’d gotten arrested. A voice that sounded clear as day, but echoed in my head instead of the air around me. This time I couldn’t blame it on the possibility of a hallucinogenic dropped in my beer. Despite the ease of availability these days, I actually hadn’t had a sip of alcohol in months.
I was stone cold sober.
So, there were two explanations here. Either my mind was playing tricks on me, or there really was someone—or something—out there trying to talk to me. The grip on my old life just tightened a little more. I was getting off of this fence, today, and I knew exactly how to do it.
Six hours later, I was exactly where I told myself I wanted to be. Sitting poolside, with my vision just the right amount of hazy, a bikini-clad brunette at my side. I had always had a thing for brunettes, who really knew why.
I was young and attractive . . . heck, I was a pro-athlete. This was exactly how I wa
s supposed to be living my life.
Correction, this is exactly how I was supposed to be enjoying my life.
Then why aren’t you enjoying yourself right now? My mind whispered defiantly. I told myself to shut it.
“What was that, baby?” asked the almost-naked girl at my side.
Dang. Had I said that out loud? I must be drunker than I’d thought.
“Nothing.” I waved her off and she shrugged in response.
After a few minutes, her arm skated across my naked chest. I told myself that it felt nice, not that it made my skin crawl.
“So, Jace said that there were some guest bedrooms upstairs. Want to go check one of them out with me?”
Shocker, another girl who lacked a subtle bone in her body. But I was doing this. I was shaking off the doubts that had plagued me for months and robbed me of the fun I should be having. This was exactly the type of night I had been expecting when I had shown up to this party.
I shot the girl a cocky grin and simply lifted my chin to let her know I was down. What was her name again? I honestly couldn’t remember. Maybe she didn’t remember mine either, and that’s why she’d called me ‘baby’ before. I told myself it didn’t matter.
We both got up, me a little less graceful than was normal—I’d lost count of the shots I’d taken that evening—and walked into the house, the girl leading the way because I didn’t have any idea where Jace’s guest bedrooms were. I barely even knew Jace.
She stopped in front of a door and turned to send me a sly smile over her shoulder. It looked more creepy than seductive to me, but what did I know? I was wasted, and committed to the course of action.
She opened the door and beckoned me in. I watched with glassy eyes as she moved her hands up to untie the top of her swimsuit. I had a vague thought that I should be more excited about this, but shoved it away.
Just as she was about to untie the strings that would cause her top to drop away, something in my stomach turned. And I didn’t mean that in a metaphorical sense. I meant that in an, ‘I’m-gonna-blow’ sense.
