Succubus Lord 9

by Eric Vall

  I pressed the small square button on the top right of the keyboard and opened up the first text. An hourglass appeared on the screen and flipped end-over-end for nearly a full minute.

  “I knew I should have just sprang for the nicer phone,” I sighed and smacked the side of the flip-phone in frustration. “This damn thing is taking forever to load.”

  Finally, the hourglass disappeared, and an entire wall of text appeared on my screen.

  Jacob, it is me, the Archangel Raphael. I have been trying to call you for months now, but it keeps telling me ‘this mobile customer has an account that is inactive.’ I believe this might be the work of one of our most nefarious enemies. Beelzebub, perhaps? Anyways, after months of practice, I have finally perfected the art of the text message. As you can see, I’ve sent each one of these without a single grammatical or spelling error. Hopefully, this finally reaches you.

  A few days after our conversation in Virginia, I was met by the Archangel Metatron and a small Divine SWAT team. Get this-- they told me you and your friends had descended through the Porta ad Inferos and were currently running around in Hell! Of course, I laughed in his face and told him the Jacob Ralston I knew would never do such a foolish thing. In fact, I told him I’d just spoken to you and your group of friends a few days ago and that you reassured me nothing was amiss. He seemed to get angry when I told him the location of our conversation, and then he demanded I come with him back to Heaven until you showed up for your trial.

  Obviously, I obliged, as I figured you were just off on some short adventure and that you’d be there in no time. The day of your trial came and went, and I reassured them all you’d probably just forgotten. You are a busy man, after all. However, they refused to listen. Metatron had me detained and locked in one of Heaven’s holding cells for a few days.

  But the plot thickens from there, my friend. Not long after this altercation, Metatron stormed into my room and accused me of ‘conspiring’ with a known Demon King. I simply laughed off the notion, but then he tried to convince me you’d killed Azazel and that you had taken over as the King of the Fourth Circle. Even more disrespectfully, he claimed I’d set this whole thing up and that I was a traitor to the Exalted One! Can you believe the nerve?

  I told him you had done no such thing and that you hadn’t even gone into the Porta ad Inferos, so what he was claiming couldn’t possibly be true. But, he didn’t believe me. He locked me away in a slightly worse cell, which is where I sit now as I text you this message.

  You’re probably wondering-- how did I sneak in this phone? Well, I’m ashamed to admit I had to hide it in a very, very awful place. A place where these angels would never think to look. That’s right, I hid it in my back pocket! Everybody knows it is the most scandalous place for a man to put anything, because of the obvious implication of its location. My shameful hiding spot worked, and I was able to keep my handy Motorola Zn200 on my person. Thank goodness for modern technology with its aerodynamic, slide-up design.

  As I stated before, I tried to make several phone calls, but nothing seemed to go through. If you get this text message, please heed this warning-- Metatron is looking for you, and I get the feeling he won’t be as kind to you as he was to me. Please, for the sake of yourself and all of your friends, turn yourself in. I know you have done nothing wrong, and I hope to see you clear your name as soon as possible.

  P.S. if you see Todd, please don’t tell him I have the ability to text. The last thing I need is to receive an inbox full of messages from “Phil Desnutz.”

  “Holy fuck that was a long message,” I whistled when I finally read the last line.

  “What does he want?” Jane asked curiously as she wrapped a towel around her curvy figure. “Did he tell you why he’s been gone for so long?”

  “They got him,” I sighed. “Metatron and the forces of the Divine have had him locked up for all these months. He’s probably rotting away in a prison cell right now, and it’s all my fault.”

  “Don’t talk like that,” the cultist pleaded as she placed her hand delicately against my face. “Raphael is a big boy. If he had wanted to avoid capture, he could have. But you know how much of a square he can be sometimes, never wanting to rock the boat even the slightest.”

  “You’re telling me,” I chuckled. “Come on, let’s get some clothes on and talk to the others about what we’re going to do.”

  Jane and I spent a few more minutes drying each other off sensually, and then we pulled our clothes back onto our bodies and headed for the door. As we approached the living room, I could hear Todd’s voice booming loudly from the couch.

  “ … And then I had to beat off a pack of wild fucking dingoes to make sure the last of our weed crop hadn’t bit the dust!” the imp proclaimed as he stood atop the marble countertop and gestured wildly. “But, alas … I was too late. All of our shit, from the Canadian Moose Tranquilizer to the Don’t Worry Be Happy Mon was dead. Like, it was all drier than my ex when I tried to initiate.”

  “What a shame,” Libidine said with a pout. “Tris is going to be very sad all her sweet treats are gone.”

  “I’m more upset we lost over three-hundred thousand dollars worth of profit!” Todd added. “And the Brain Fucker. I was really looking forward to trying out that shit.”

  “Can’t you just go buy some marijuana from a dealer?” Oliver asked curiously.

  Todd’s eyes narrowed, and his entire demeanor changed. His body went tense, and then he scurried off the table, hopped up onto the back of the couch, and grabbed Oliver by the front of his robes.

  “Buy … from … a dealer?” He grimaced as his eyes twitched. “What kinda peasant do you take me for, Ollie? I haven’t smoked a doobie in six months, and I’m sure as fuck not going to let my first time be some half-cocked, low-level strain that was grown in some dudebro’s basement!”

  “Uh … am I interrupting something?” I tried to announce my presence.

  Todd looked over at me, and then his eyes lit up, and his body relaxed. He let Oliver go and tried to compose himself.

  “Oh hey, Jakey,” the imp greeted us as he brushed at Oliver’s robe. “Sorry about that, Ollie. I just left some cheeto dust on ya there … I’m totally not myself when I’m denied my Devil’s Lettuce.”

  “That’s quite alright,” Oliver assured him. “We all have our addictions, and withdrawal is no joke. In fact--”

  Todd leapt at the cultist, grabbed him by the robe, and began to shake him violently.

  “Now listen here, you little New Balance-wearing fossil!” he snarled.

  Suddenly, his body was surrounded by green Hellfire, and he was lifted up into the air and separated from the cultist by the telekinetic spell.

  “That’s quite enough,” Libidine said, and her hand was aglow with emerald flames.

  She set Todd back down on the table, and he plopped onto his rear.

  “I’m-I’m sorry guys,” he sighed. “It’s been a long day.”

  “Again, don’t mention it,” Oliver chuckled.

  “Did you two enjoy your ‘spa time?’” Superbia asked coyly. “Hopefully, you’re all recharged and ready to go?”

  “I sure am,” I said happily as I cracked my knuckles. “I feel like a million bucks. But I’ve got some bad news for you guys … I heard from Raphael.”

  “So, the Archangel is still alive?” Oliver gasped. “What did he say?”

  “He texted me saying he’s been captured by Metatron,” I explained.

  “Fucking Megatron … ” Todd noted. “Also, Raphey does texts now? What’s his number?”

  “He said he’d rather not--” I began, but the imp cut me off.

  “I’m totally gonna send him a long string of messages where the first letter of each sentence spells out ‘UR Gay,’” the imp giggled. “Or maybe I’ll ask him if he’s heard about the man from Nantucket … ”

  “I’ll give it to you later,” I promised the imp. “The long and short of it is Metatron wants me to stand trial for
all the crazy shit I’ve done over the last few years.”

  “But we’ve been helping the Exalted One!” Superbia growled. “Surely that must count for something.”

  “I think it mostly has to do with our little excursion to Hell,” I explained. “The Archangel specifically mentioned something about me being King of the Fourth Circle.”

  “I don’t see why that’s an issue,” Eligor finally spoke up. “If anything, it gives the Exalted One a man on the inside.”

  “Exactly!” I agreed. “Maybe they just need to hear it from me.”

  “You can’t seriously be considering turning yourself in, bro,” Todd argued. “We should all totally sneak up into Heaven and do some Prison Break shit to get Raphey outta there.”

  “That sounds like a lot of fun,” Libidine concurred. “I’ve always wanted to see what Heaven is like.”

  “Don’t be absurd,” Sia scoffed. “If anything, we need to try and cut a deal with Metatron. Perhaps we could offer him insider information on Hell in exchange for Raphael’s freedom? I wish Ira were still here … she’s good at that kind of thing.”

  “Where did the sub go, anyway?” I asked curiously as I scanned the room.

  Todd was still on the counter, with Eligor and Liby leaning against the marble behind him. Meanwhile, Sia and Oliver were nested in the fabric chairs that sat in the living room. Angelo Martatelli, or at least, the ghost of Martatelli, was hovering over in the corner as he browsed through the bookshelf against the wall.

  However, there was no sign of the Sister of Wrath.

  “Ira headed off to do some sort of fundraiser,” the succubus madame explained. “She wished she could stay, but she also claimed she couldn’t re-elect herself.”

  “I suppose not,” I sighed. “Back on topic, what do we gain from bargaining with Metatron?”

  “Not a lot,” Eligor protested. “Sure, he’d give back Raphael, but then what? You’d be at the mercy of the Exalted One. That’s completely unacceptable for a Demon King, especially one who’s trying to establish himself in the hierarchy of the underworld.”

  “The new girl’s right,” Jane added. “You’re a king now, Jacob. You shouldn’t take shit from anybody.”

  Jane and Eligor’s logic was sound. Even though I had no ill-will toward the Exalted One, I wasn’t Heaven’s lackey any more. Our original agreement had been we would act as their “spy” until all of the demons on that list were exterminated. Well, now all those bastards were gone, and so was their ringleader.

  I didn’t answer to the big guns any more. I was one of the big guns.

  “You’re right,” I said with a nod. “I need to confront this head-on. I’m going to try and find Metatron, and then I’ll tell him what’s what. Maybe I’ll go to Heaven for my trial, maybe I won’t. But if I do, it’s sure as fuck going to be on my own terms.”

  “Now you sound like a king!” Oliver exclaimed as he clapped his hands together. “I must admit, I’m loving every second of this.”

  Martatelli’s ghost suddenly froze, cocked its head, and then turned to Superbia. He whispered something in Italian, and then the redhead’s face drooped into a frown.

  “He says somebody’s coming,” Sia warned. “A small group of people is headed this way. He can sense it.”

  “Holy shit,” Todd whistled. “I didn’t know Martatelli was a Force Ghost.”

  “I’ll give you all five guesses who it is,” I joked sarcastically. “Looks like we’re not going to need to go looking for Metatron after all.”

  “What do you want us to do, Jacob?” Libidine asked with a hint of worry in her voice. “Shall we surrender?”

  “Never,” I reminded her. “No, I’m not going to roll over like a kicked puppy and let them take me away in handcuffs. We’re going to kick their asses and then, once they’re defeated, I’ll decide what I’m going to do.”

  “Non lethal, then?” Superbia asked as she summoned black Hellfire into her hands.

  “Non lethal,” I confirmed. “Sia, I want you up on the second floor. Remember when we first visited this place, and there was a guard posted on that balcony?”

  “Way ahead of you.” Sia nodded. “I’ll pick them off from above.”

  “Excellent,” I continued. “Liby, Eligor, we’re going to try and lure them outside. That’s where you’ll be waiting to take them by surprise.”

  The succubus and the knight both nodded, and they summoned forth their wings with a flash of purple. Then they dashed out the sliding glass door and took to the sky.

  Superbia got up from her chair, ran into the entryway, and then her footsteps clanked up the stairs.

  “So, where does that leave us?” Oliver asked.

  “You, Jane, and I are the frontline,” I explained. “It’s going to be our job to funnel them all out into the traps we’ve set.”

  “Soooooo, whatabout me, Jakey?” Todd questioned.

  “You get the best part,” I said with a grin. “You’re an imp. Go do mischievous imp shit.”

  “Full permission to be myself?” Todd tried to confirm.

  “Full permission,” I chuckled. “I--”

  My catty sentence was suddenly cut off by a loud knock at the front door. The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife, but I knew somebody needed to grab the door.

  “Todd, you wanna get that?” I asked.

  “Uh, how about no?” the imp shot back. “Every time the Toddster answers the door, something crazy as shit happens. I’m not dealing with any creepy crawly spider-ass demons again, bro. Hey Linguini!”

  The ghost of Martatelli placed his finger on his chest. “Perdono?” he mused.

  “Yeah, you,” Todd continued. “You’re all poltergeisty and shit. Do ya mind grabbing the door?”

  The Italian scientist shrugged, and then he floated out to the main entryway. The room was silent for a moment as we all readied our Hellfire, but then we heard Angelo’s voice call out from the other room.

  “Pizza?” the scientist said with confusion in his voice.

  Todd slapped himself on the forehead.

  “Oh yeaaaah,” he snorted. “I totally forgot I ordered that. Be right there!”

  The imp quickly transformed into his human form and then ran out to greet the delivery boy.

  “It’s the pizza guy,” I laughed as I decast my Hellfire. “We just got all worked up over the--”

  There was an explosion sound from the entryway, and then Todd’s body came flying through the nearby wall with a spray of drywall and stucco. The imp rolled to a stop right at the foot of the couch, but smoke still rolled off his body. He’d reverted back into an imp, and his entire front half looked like it had been burnt to a crisp.

  “God … fucking … damn it,” he mumbled with his head against the floor.

  Angelo’s ghost was right behind the imp, and he was shrieking in his native tongue. The scientist’s spectre zipped back through the wall with his arms trailing behind him like a fucking muppet, and then he vanished through the door behind us.

  A large, muscular man stepped through the threshold of the living room. He was wearing a stain-covered red jacket with our favorite pizza place’s logo on the breast, and he had on the same gaudy hat the delivery guy always wore. His hand was still glowing with Divine light, and his eyes narrowed when he saw me.

  “Jacob Ralston, I presume?” he asked. “Sorry to drop in on ya like this, but you left us no choice after that little stunt you pulled back in Colorado.”

  From outside, I heard the simultaneous sound of gunfire and blasts of Hellfire. Fucking hell, they were way more prepared than I thought.

  “Jane, go help Liby and Eligor,” I commanded. “Oliver, you go help Sia. I’ll take care of this clown.”

  “I’m hurt, Jacob,” the man sighed as he threw his hat off to the side. “Or should I call you ‘King Ralston?’”

  “You know,” I sneered and summoned red Hellfire into my hands, “that joke was funny, up until about the thousan
dth time somebody said it. Who the fuck are you, anyway?”

  The man threw off his red jacket to reveal a white SWAT uniform underneath. Unlike the ones I’d seen before, this was much more heavily armored. The uniform looked like riot gear with its shiny white breastplate, shoulder pads, and shin and arm guards.

  “Name’s Cael,” the man explained, and then he unsheathed a baton glowing with Divine light. “I’m Metatron’s second in command.”

  “Fucking Starscream, bro … ” Todd joked weakly from the floor.

  I wasted no time in attacking the bastard. I quickly called forth my green Hellfire, engulfed the flatscreen that hung on the wall, and launched it at the bastard’s head.

  Cael was quick to knock it away, and the expensive television exploded into several shards of plastic wiring. The attack wasn’t very successful, but it gave me just enough of a distraction to make my move.

  I blasted the warrior in the chest with a small fireball to knock him off-balance, and then I charged with a glowing yellow fist. I slugged the guy in the face and sent a spew of saliva and blood into the air.

  Cael fell down onto his ass, and then Oliver and Jane made their departure. The white-haired cultist blasted the SWAT officer with a cast of red Hellfire as he ran by, and our opponent was knocked all the way to the ground.

  I called forth my silver Hellfire and reached out toward the kitchen. I could feel the different utensils as they came under my spell, so I ordered them to meld together and take a new form. The drawers flew open as the liquified metal burst from inside, and then the silvery material mixed together to form a medium-sized warhammer. I commanded the newly-made weapon into my hand, and it flew across the kitchen until it landed firmly in my grasp.

  Cael was just getting back to his feet as he tried to shake off my last blow.

  “You know, you’re really lucky I’m not trying to kill you,” I mused. “That would have been a perfect opportunity right there.”

  “Funny,” Cael growled and readied his glowing baton, “I was gonna say something very similar.”

  The angelic warrior lunged at me and took a swing with his weapon. I blocked it immediately with my warhammer, but he was quick to get off a blast of Divine Light at point-blank range.