by Eric Vall
Unfortunately for him, I was always quick on the draw.
I threw up a small shield of purple Hellfire just as he released his attack, and the up-close impact sent us both flying backward. I felt my body being stuck like a pincushion as I crashed through the sliding glass door. I rolled across the hot grass until I finally used my momentum to flip myself up into a crouch. My warhammer had fallen from my grasp, but I knew I could recall it with a quick cast of my silver flames.
The warm sun beat down on my body, and I could feel small streams of blood running down my arms. But this was nothing compared to what I was used to.
I was a fucking Demon King.
I observed that there were already several SWAT officers down all over the yard.
Eligor was currently going hand-to-hand with one of them on the roof, while Liby and Jane were tag-teaming a small group over by the pool. It was actually quite the sight to see, Libidine zipping around and hurling yellow daggers at the men’s feet, all while Jane was setting them on fire and then tossing them into the pool to finish them off.
All of my friends made for a great team.
Unfortunately, my thoughts were cut short by another blast of Divine Light. I threw up a wall of purple flames in front of the attack, and the spell struck the wall and wrapped around it like cling wrap. The heat of the blast was intense, but I was determined to take this bastard down.
“Just give up, Ralston,” Cael taunted. “You don’t want to kill me, and I don’t want to kill you. Don’t make me beat your ass like we’re out in the schoolyard.”
As the warrior was monologing, I used my free hand to reach up, summon jade flames, and cast my telekinetic spell on the roof behind him. Several of the red clay tiles were encased with the glowing emerald light, and then I yanked my hand back toward my body.
There was the sound of breaking clay accompanied by a few yelps of surprise, and then the Divine Light disappeared.
I instantly threw out my hand, summoned silver flames, and recalled my warhammer back into my grasp. I readied the weapon before I took off in a full sprint toward Cael.
The last enchanted tile broke over the warrior’s head, and he turned around just in time to see me lash out with my weapon. The blunt end of the warhammer smashed into his side, and there was a loud crunching sound as his armor was cracked from the blow.
The attack sent Cael tumbling to the ground, but he was already retaliating with his baton. The weapon struck me in my left leg, and a huge jolt of electricity sent my body into a seizure.
I fell down on one knee and tried to cast a spell, but Cael was too fast. He struck me in the back of the skull with the enchanted baton, and I tasted iron blood as my head whipped to the side, and my body seized up again.
One more strike, and I was probably down for the count. I had to think fast.
The next time his baton came down, I engulfed my hand with purple Hellfire and reached up to grab it. The impact from the baton hurt like a bitch, but its trajectory was halted by my protective spell.
Unfortunately, my defensive maneuver left my whole right side exposed.
The next thing I knew, a small beam of Divine Light blasted into my side and sent me tumbling across the grass like a ragdoll. As I struggled back to my feet, my ribs felt numb, and I could taste even more blood in my mouth. I spat out a small puddle of crimson before I called my warhammer back into my hands.
“You call this non-lethal?” I mocked.
The Divine warrior just shrugged.
“You’re not dead, are you?” he shot back, and then he charged at me with his baton.
I blocked the first attack with the hilt of my weapon, twirled it around in my hand, and then smacked the fucker in the side of the leg.
Cael let out a grunt of pain, but then quickly recovered with a punch to my face. Some of my blood splattered onto his pristine white uniform, but I didn’t think he really gave a fuck. He followed the attack with another punch to my gut that made me double over in agony.
While I was bent over, the fucker twisted around my body and pressed his baton up to my neck.
Jolts of pain shot through my body as I was electrocuted by the Divine spell, and I struggled to stay on my feet. The pain was excruciating, but even worse, I couldn’t breathe. I made strikes to the fucker’s side with my elbows as I gasped for air, but his grip held firm. My vision started to tunnel, and I knew I had to do something before I was completely choked out.
I summoned yellow Hellfire into my right hand and then slapped it against Cael’s outer thigh. The second I did so, I unleashed a flurry of enchanted shuriken directly through the meat of his leg.
Cael let out a wail as his outer thigh was turned to ribbons.
But, more importantly, he let me go.
I fell to the ground and gasped for air as I tried to think of my next move. Unfortunately, the Divine warrior was already on it.
The baton struck me in the head once more, and I couldn’t help but collapse onto my hands and knees. Before I could recoup, the bastard’s weapon hit me violently in my already wounded ribs. My vision went black for a second, but then I shook my head and reoriented myself.
We were both worn down from the fight, and I was sure the next blow from Cael would certainly be the last. I just needed one final desperation heave.
I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, created a large portal beneath my body, and allowed gravity to do its thing. My exhausted body felt weightless as I fell through the portal and was transported through space and time, but I couldn’t drift off now.
I had to finish this. Now.
I re-appeared in the air directly behind Cael. Then I quickly cast a spell of silver flames, pulled my warhammer back into my hands, and raised it above my head.
Cael whipped around to block my attack, but he was much too late.
I let out a scream of frustration as I swung my weapon, and the blunt end of the warhammer came down on his right shoulder. There was a sickly pop as Cael’s armor splintered and his arm dislocated.
Without missing a beat, I held the weapon with both my hands, smashed the hilt into Cael’s face, and then spun around and took out his feet.
The Divine warrior fell onto his back and just laid there, nursing his wounded arm as he screamed in agony.
“Non lethal,” I mocked as I walked over to the fucker and pressed the blunt end of my weapon against his throat. “Just like we promised.”
As if right on cue, the body of one of the SWAT officers plopped to the ground behind me, and then I heard the flutter of large wings as they descended.
I glanced back to see Jane, Liby, and Eligor all at my back, Hellfire at the ready.
“That’s all of them,” Eligor mused as she brushed the dirt off her hands. “All taken down without a single casualty.”
“And Sia?” I asked. “How’s she doing?”
“Her and Oliver are tending to Todd,” Jane explained. “By the looks of it, they need to tend to you, too.”
“What gave it away?” I asked sarcastically, and then I turned back to Cael. “Now, I want you to contact your boss.”
“Why?” the Divine warrior questioned. “So you can beat him up too?”
“Of course not,” I growled. “Been there, done that. Call Metatron. I want to turn myself in.”
Chapter 5
“Oohhhhh,” Todd whistled as he, Oliver, and Sia stepped through the remnants of the sliding glass door. “That looked like it had to hurt.”
“I’ll be fine,” I reassured the imp. “It’s just some scratches. And a broken rib or two.”
“I was talking about him, bro,” he corrected me as he pointed to the crumpled heap of a man that was Cael. “He looks like Mankind after he got on the wrong side of the Undertaker.”
“I really must meet these Earthly warriors you keep talking about,” Eligor pondered. “They sound quite brutal.”
“You don’t get much more brutal than the Undertaker, Goldilocks,” Todd said grimly. “Nobody e
njoys getting tombstoned. Nobody.”
“He’ll live.” I nodded and pulled back my warhammer. “Sia, can you heal us?”
“Us?” the redhead protested.
“Yeah,” I reassured her. “This guy may be a tool, but I don’t want him to be crippled for the rest of eternity.”
“I don’t need your help, Demon King,” Cael spat from the ground. “I trust the Divine Healers will do a much better job than any care your madame could provide.”
Superbia’s face contorted into a frown, and then she stomped over to Cael and slammed her left foot into his dislocated shoulder. The warrior grunted in pain, so the succubus began to twist her foot under her weight and caused him to writhe even more.
“Do you still wish to deny my care?” the succubus growled.
Cael muttered something under his breath, and Sia’s demeanor changed. She let out a deep sigh, summoned gold Hellfire into her hands, and then bent down to place her open palm on his wound.
The golden flames spread across Cael’s body slowly as his arm moved on its own and reconnected with his torso. The purplish-blue bruises on his face faded and were replaced by his natural bronzy skin tone. The blood that oozed from his nostrils seemed to coagulate in an instant, and then it flaked away in the breeze as the bridge of his nose fixed itself back into its regular position.
Sia removed her foot from Cael’s shoulder, and the Divine warrior sat up at the waist. He held his hand out in front of him in awe as he moved it back and forth, completely perplexed that it was as good as new.
“How’s that compared to your Divine Healers?” Superbia mocked.
The redhead sauntered over to me, summoned her golden fire, and placed her hand delicately on my side.
I couldn’t help but wince from her touch, but soon the dull throbbing sensation in my side turned into a warm tingle. Seconds later, the golden Hellfire engulfed my entire body, and the tingling sensation sprouted up at every single one of my wounds. I could feel the warm blood that ran down my face harden into a crusty scab and then flit away into dust, and the pain in my side completely disappeared.
Sia decast her spell and gave me a loving smile. “Better?” she asked coyly.
“Very much so,” I said as I tried to emulate her way of speaking. “I don’t think I’ll ever quite get used to that feeling, though.”
Cael pulled himself to his feet, and I quickly threw out green Hellfire around his entire body. His figure went rigid as it vibrated under my spell.
“Wha-- I wasn’t even going to try anything!” he protested.
“Gotta be safe,” I explained. “We were just beating the ever-loving shit out of each other a few seconds ago. Now … call Metatron.”
I released my hold on the Divine warrior, and his body relaxed.
He gave me a dirty look as he brushed off his uniform and reached into one of the pockets underneath his armor. The SWAT officer pulled out a large gray brick with a rubber antenna at the top, pressed a button, and then held it to his ear.
“What is it with these angels and their lack of technology?” I pondered aloud.
“Think about it, bro,” Todd continued, “Megatron was from the eighties. This is ‘modern’ to him.”
“No, we did not apprehend the perp,” Cael muttered into his communicator. “But he’s here right now. He wishes to surrender himself, but only to you. No, we’re all okay. Just a little beat up, that’s all … okay, see you in a bit.”
Cael put away his gray brick and turned his attention back to my friends and me.
“Well?” I asked with annoyance in my voice.
“Metatron is on his way,” the blond man admitted. “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if--”
The warrior’s words were instantly cut off as a blinding white light appeared just behind him. The light materialized into the shape of a large, robed blond man, and then the figure of Metatron stepped forward.
“Is it true, Jacob?” he asked somewhat sarcastically. “Have you finally decided to turn yourself in?”
“I have,” I announced as I tossed my warhammer to the ground. “I’ll come peacefully. I just want to clear my name once and for all from whatever slanders have been tossed around while I was gone.”
Metatron raised a golden eyebrow as he looked at the scene around him.
“You call this ‘peacefully?’” the Archangel scoffed. “This makes it twice now you’ve beaten my men to a bloody pulp.”
“And don’t forget it,” I shot back. “I may be surrendering willingly right now, but never again. The next time you send your men after me, this is what’s going to happen. Again and again until you guys finally take the damn hint. We’re not enemies, Metatron.”
“I’ll let the jurors decide that one,” Meatron retorted grimly. “Now, come with me, please.”
The Archangel held out a glowing white hand and summoned a portal of Divine Light at his side.
All of us stepped toward the portal, but Metatron held out his hand.
“What now?” I sighed.
“Succubi cannot pass through the Pearly Gates,” he explained. “For … obvious reasons. You may call as many witnesses to the stand as you want when the trial begins, but for now you must come alone.”
“What kinda Ally McBeal bullshit is this?” Todd scoffed as he stepped to the front of the group. “As Jakey’s own personal lawyer, I demand that I be allowed to accompany my client. Without my authority present, you could pull some extortiony shenanigans, bro.”
“Is that the legal term they use here on Earth?” Metatron questioned. “Extortiony shenanigans?”
“Sure is,” the imp lied. “Now, I don’t know what kinda janky law you guys got up there on Cybertron, but usually a defendant is also allowed to keep his star witness around. Ya know, for safe-keeping.”
I knew Todd was lying out of his ass, but I was doing my best to play along. I guess that’s what I should have expected when my lawyer’s personal idol was fucking Harvey Birdman.
“Fine,” Metatron conceded. “As a sign of good faith, I’ll follow your code of Earth laws. You may bring along your lawyer and your star witness, but nobody else. However, I cannot bend on the ‘no succubi’ rule.”
“Seriously?” I argued. “My succubi are going to be my best witnesses!”
“Psssst, Jakey?” Todd called out. “A moment of legal counsel, bro?”
I bent down so I was at ear-level with the imp, and he placed his tiny hands on my shoulders.
“What’s up, Todd?” I asked.
“I know all the girls are gonna be your best witnesses, but I gotta be honest … I don’t have much legal ground to stand on with the whole ‘lawyer and star witness’ thing, bro,” he admitted.
“Really?” I asked with feigned surprise.
“Yeah, really,” Todd continued. “We don’t wanna push our luck on this one, so I’d recommend we just choose one of the non-succubus people in this group. I’m gonna say Eligor, since she was around for most of our adventure in Hell, and she used to be an angel and all.”
“You think Metatron will go for that?” I shot back.
“Leave it to me, bro,” Todd reassured me. “I’m about to work this guy’s mind like Chris Angel.”
We broke our impromptu huddle and turned back to face the Archangel.
“Alright,” I announced. “I’ve chosen my star witness. Eligor.”
“The fallen angel?” Metatron said with anger in his voice. “She most certainly is not--”
“Hold on just a gosh-darned minute there, bro,” Todd interjected. “You said no succubi. What about this fine blonde beauty here says ‘interdimensional sex demon’ to you?”
“The armor that barely covers her private areas, for one,” the Archangel answered.
“OBJECTION!” Todd shot back. “That armor is just for show. She’s a fallen angel who’s also a knight of Hell, not a demon. Thus, she doesn’t fall under the category of ‘succubus,’ and is therefore allowed to travel to Heaven. Am I wron
g?”
“Technically, no,” Metatron sighed. “Alright, the fallen angel can come along. Now, let’s make it snappy. Your trial is already months behind schedule.”
Todd reached out his tiny red hand for a high-five, and I obliged him as I walked past.
“Best lawyer ever,” the imp whispered to himself.
Eligor, Todd, and I approached the portal of Divine light before I stopped, turned around, and looked at all of my friends.
“You guys hold down the fort while I’m gone,” I said with a nod. “And be ready, I may need you.”
Then I turned back around, took a deep breath, and stepped through the interdimensional gateway.
The sensation of this magic wasn’t like that of Hellfire. Instead of a feeling of emptiness and weightlessness, my body was engulfed with a warmth like that of a soothing balm. For a moment, just a brief moment, I felt a sensation of pure happiness.
The next thing I knew, my feet landed on a soft, spongy surface. I looked down and saw Todd, Eligor, the angels, and I were all standing on some sort of white fluffy terrain.
It was a fucking cloud.
“So all the portrayals are true?” I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Heaven’s built on a giant cloud?”
“Not exactly,” Cael grumbled.
“It wasn’t always like this,” Metatron explained. “However, in the last two hundred years or so, people started to panic when they first got here and didn’t recognize the Pearly Gates. They thought they had all died and gone to Hell, so the Exalted One repurposed the entrance to better match their … imaginative visions.”
“Speaking of Pearly Gates,” Todd whistled, “look at that beaut, Jakey!”
I couldn’t help but notice the massive structure that stood about a hundred feet away from us. It was a large, whitish-pink set of gates that were close to forty feet tall, and they stretched horizontally as far as the eye could see. At the front of the structure sat a small marble booth about the size and shape of an usher’s podium at a fancy restaurant. Behind it saw a short, stocky man with unkempt white hair and a long, bushy white beard.
