by Eric Vall
Even though we’d literally been to Hell and back, I couldn’t believe we were currently standing in front of St. Peter and the Pearly Gates.
Metatron and Cael took the lead, and we followed them up to the small podium.
“Good day, Peter,” the Archangel greeted the man. “Look what we finally found.”
The man with the unkempt hair looked at me curiously, and then his eyes lit up.
“Jacob Ralston!” he exclaimed. “I was wondering if I would ever get to meet you. I was starting to worry you’d sold your soul to Lucifer or something like that.”
“If only I were so lucky,” I joked. “Nice to meet you, St. Peter.”
“Now, who else do we have here?” the Saint asked as he pulled out a pair of glasses and squinted at my friends. “Ah, Eligor the Knight! I gotta admit, I never thought I’d see you again.”
“Good to see you too, Peter,” the blonde grumbled.
“And then there’s--oh, no,” St. Peter gasped.
“What’s wrong?” Todd asked curiously. “Did they spell my name wrong on the form? I told ‘em it was ‘Todd’ with a double-d.”
“No,” Peter reiterated as he glared at Metatron. “No, no, no!”
“Peter,” Metatron sighed, “let’s be professional here.”
“There is no way in the h-e-double hockey sticks I’m letting Todd Masterson into Heaven!” the Saint protested. “Why don’t I let Jeffery Dahmer in while I’m at it? Maybe Pol Pot?”
“Surely Todd’s offenses can’t be that severe,” the Archangel protested as he walked over behind the podium and looked over the list.
Metatron scanned the document as he frowned curiously and ran his eyes back and forth across the writing. His eyebrows furrowed a few times, and at one point he pulled back with a disgusted look on his face. Then the Archangel shook his head and shuddered as he returned to the other side of St. Peter.
“See?” the Saint retorted.
“His offenses are very … odd, to say the least,” Metatron agreed. “But he is Jacob’s legal counsel, and thus he must be by his client at all times.”
“But, the thing with the--” Peter began to protest.
“Silence!” the Archangel ordered with a booming voice. “I am your superior, Peter. If I say Todd Masterson gets to enter through the Pearly Gates, he gets to enter through the Pearly Gates!”
St. Peter shrank below his podium and gave the Archangel a slight nod. Then he muttered some words in Latin, aimed his open hand at the door of the gates, and cast a spell of Divine Light onto it. There was the sound of trumpets as the gate swung open gently, and a series of white portals appeared along the horizon.
There must have been hundreds of the glowing portals, and they lit up the already bright landscape like a Christmas tree.
“What are all those?” I asked as my mouth fell agape.
“Those would be the real gates of Heaven,” Metatron explained. “No offense, Peter.”
“N-none taken, boss,” the Saint answered with a fake smile. “I’m just a glorified security guard, that’s all!”
Metatron rolled his eyes and then led us through the opening in the gates. We took a hard right as we walked past portal after glowing portal, and I could feel the temptation to step through washing over me like a spell.
Each gateway was accompanied by a small wooden signpost with writing that looked like it had been painted on freehand. From what I could tell, the portals were labeled with a different Earthly location or a different type of biome.
Finally, we came to a stop, and Cael broke away from the group.
“It’s been fun,” he mumbled, “it really has. But now, I’m gonna head back to my secluded cabin in the woods and unwind in the peaceful bliss of silence.”
The SWAT officer gave his boss a salute, and then he stepped through the portal labeled “Swiss Alps.” He vanished in a flash of Divine Light, and then we continued onward.
Metatron led us along for another ten minutes or so, until we finally came upon a signpost labeled “Cabo.”
“After you,” the Archangel implored as he motioned for us to enter.
The three of us stepped through the portal, and I instantly felt the warm rays of sunlight hit my exposed skin. I could tell it was fairly hot in this environment, but it wasn’t an unpleasant heat. I wasn’t sweating my tail off underneath my combat attire, and the light from the sky didn’t force me to squint like it would have back on Earth.
Grainy sand squished beneath my feet as I took in our surroundings and noticed we were currently on a beach. The sound of the crashing waves was music to my ears as I inhaled and caught the scent of brine, suntan lotion, and margaritas.
“It’s marvelous, isn’t it?” Metatron asked. “You see, Heaven is often referred to by you mortals as ‘paradise,’ correct? Well, everybody has a different definition of what ‘paradise’ is. To accommodate all the Ascended Souls who come to us from Earth, we have thousands of different locations that our guests can travel between at their own leisure. Once they find the perfect paradise for them, that’s where they plant their roots for eternity.”
“What about the nutters?” Todd interjected. “Ya know, the ones who think we’re all destined for Hell and think their reward is the apocalypse?”
Metatron’s eyes grew cold at the imp’s words, and he crossed his arms across his chest.
“We will get to that shortly,” he explained. “Now, come along.”
We followed the Archangel across the beach until we came to a large, four-story building that sat just off the sandy shore. It was light brown, with full-story windows placed across its facade at five-or-six foot intervals. The roof of the structure was a large square, and it jutted out beyond the border of the main building like an oversized piece of plywood.
At the bottom of the place were a series of large archways, each of which framed a large white door with two SWAT officers standing guard.
The soldiers gave Metatron a nod of recognition, and then they opened the door for us to enter.
Once inside, I noticed just how out of date this place felt. The carpet was a chocolate brown that somehow still looked stained beyond belief. On the light brown walls hung photographic portraits of all the different Archangels, accompanied by strange rectangular decor that was bright orange.
Inside the offices we passed, I saw flat-topped metal desks with orange chairs. A large, boxy computer sat to one side of the desktop while a dark green typewriter sat on the other.
“Ya know, Jakey … ” Todd whispered. “When I joked about these guys being stuck in the eighties, I totally wasn’t serious.”
We finally walked up to a tall brown reception desk. A woman with wide-brimmed pointy glasses sat behind it as she typed away at what appeared to be Macintosh Performa 580CD.
“Good day, Savannah,” Metatron said to the woman. “I have three people here awaiting trial for horrendous crimes against nature. Could you look up and see if there are any conference rooms available right now?”
The woman sassily snapped her gum in her mouth, and then she went back to typing at the computer. She clicked on something, and then the air was instantly filled with the grating digital sounds I was all too familiar with.
“Fucking dial-up?” Todd giggled.
Once the noise had finally stopped assaulting our ears, the secretary looked over at Metatron and clicked her tongue.
“Looks like yer in luck, Metatron,” she mused. “We already got Raphael in room twenty-six B.”
“Thank you, Savannah,” the Archangel nodded, “I appreciate everything you do for us.”
“Don’t mention it, toots,” the secretary said back nonchalantly, and then she returned to snapping her gum and typing at her computer.
“I apologize for that,” Metatron said as we walked down the hallway. “Sometimes I let my passion get the better of me.”
“Wait … ” Todd gasped. “Were you two just flirting?”
“Wasn’t it obvious?” the Ar
changel sighed. “We both need to learn how to keep it in our pants, or else the Exalted One will demote us to trash duties for a century.”
“Right … ” I trailed off. “I thought Raphael was being held in a prison cell?”
“Who told you that?” The Archangel stopped in his tracks and shot me a dirty look.
Shit. I forgot I wasn’t supposed to know that.
“I just assumed,” I shot back with a shrug. “You guys came after us, so I figured you got him, too.”
“Raphael is an Archangel of the highest order,” Metatron scoffed. “He may be in hot water right now, but we would never lock our old friend away in a cage. He’s been staying at a resort here in this sector of Heaven all this time. Of course, it’s a one-star resort. And we did forbid him from using cellular devices. And he cannot leave this sector. But still.”
“Sounds awful,” I chuckled as we came up on room twenty-six B.
Metatron reached out, turned the knob, and let us into the room.
The Archangel Raphael was sitting back in a chair with his feet up on the conference table like an old-timey mobster. He was wearing a deep blue hawaiian shirt with a floral pattern and a pair of chino shorts, and his skin looked ten times tanner than it normally did. The angel’s dark black hair was tied up in his normal man bun style, but now it was complimented by a pair of designer sunglasses that sat on his hairline.
“Is that--Jacob?” Raph exclaimed as he pulled his feet off the table and leaned forward in his chair. “And … Todd!”
“Hey Raphey boy,” the imp said with a grin, “how’s it hangin’?”
The Archangel leapt to his feet, rushed over, and swept Todd and me up into a bear hug.
“I thought I’d never see you again!” he said, nearly in tears. “It’s been horrible, Jacob. The things they’ve done to me here … ”
“I thought you said you were locked away in a cell?” I mumbled as I tried to escape the Archangel’s grip. “Not a resort on a tropical island.”
Raph released us and crossed his arms over his chest.
“What else would you call a place whose idea of a ‘continental breakfast’ is bagels and cream cheese?” he scoffed and then pointed at Metatron. “This man should suffer the First Circle of Hell for what he’s put me through!”
“Easy there, Raph,” I said as I tried to calm him down. “I’m here to clear my name, and then we can both get out of here.”
“That would be great,” the Archangel admitted. “The sooner we-- Eligor? What are you doing here?” He stared in shock at the fallen angel beside me.
“I’m part of Jacob’s team now,” the blonde knight said with a wink. “Looks like you and I are gonna have to be buddy-buddy once again.”
“I cannot wait,” Raph sighed sarcastically.
“You missed a lot, Raphael,” I admitted. “Like, a lot a lot.”
Todd hoisted himself up so he was standing at the center of the conference table, and then he cleared his throat obnoxiously.
“Alright, Megatron,” he explained. “Now that I’ve got both of my clients in one room, I’m gonna have to ask you to step out. They need some time to speak to their lawyer.”
The blond Archangel agreed, and then he exited the room and closed the door behind him.
“Hold on,” Raph protested, “I was going to represent myself. I never agreed to have Todd be my legal counsel.”
“Actualllllllyyyy, you kinda did,” Todd interjected. “Remember that delivery slip I had you sign like a year ago?”
“Not really,” the dark-haired man admitted.
“Welp, that was when I was really into my ‘lawyer movie’ phase,” the imp explained. “I needed a client, soooooo that slip was actually a legally-binding contract that says I get to defend should you ever go to trial.”
“What?” Raph gasped. “Why didn’t you just ask me, Todd?”
“I think we both know the answer to that one, Raphey,” the imp sighed as he clicked his tongue. “But I assure you, the Toddster’s gonna make sure you’re a-okay. And don’t worry, it’s all gonna be quid pro quo.”
“I appreciate that,” the Archangel admitted. “But, if I may ask, what are your credentials?”
“I got a BA from the University of Matlock,” the imp proclaimed. “Plus I have an MS from the School of Saul Goodman, and I did a bit of post-grad study at Boston Legal. Also, I’ve got My Cousin Vinny on speed dial. He knows A Few Good Men that can assist if we need them.”
“Wow!” Raphael proclaimed. “I never realized you had so many titles under your belt.”
Todd wobbled over to Raph, slapped him happily on the back, and leaned into his ear.
“I got a lot of surprising things under my belt, if ya get my drift,” the imp joked.
“Right.” Raph sighed. “Now, shall we discuss--”
“I’m talking about my schlong, if ya didn’t get it,” the imp explained.
“I understand, Todd,” the dark-haired man retorted. “What I was saying is we need to discuss our legal strategy.”
“As ‘star witness,’ I agree,” Eligor chuckled. “Do we know the exact charges brought against us?”
“There were quite a few,” Raphael explained. “First, there’s the accusation Jacob broke interdimensional law and traveled to Hell as a living mortal. That’s the big one. Then there’s this insane idea he somehow not only killed Azazel, but then took his place as one of the Demon Kings of Hell and has begun to form alliances with other powerful demons. Last, but certainly not least, I’m sure they’ll bring up the fact you were in contempt of court for months. That last one may be true, but we should be able to get off scott-free on those other charges.”
“Weeelllllll … ” I said awkwardly. “Probably not.”
Raphael raised a dark eyebrow and leaned forward in his chair.
“What are you talking about?” he demanded. “Was I not clear in the charges that have been brought against us? Tell me there isn’t any truth to them.”
“That’s the thing, Raph … ” I sighed. “It’s all true. When you found us out in the woods, after we’d killed all those Daeva, we were looking for the Pora ad Inferos.”
“You lied to me?” the normally-levelheaded Archangel growled. “Why on Earth were you looking for the portal to Hell?”
I went silent. I felt bad I had lied to one of our friends, but what else was I supposed to do? Had he known what we were really doing, he would have tried to stop us. At least now I could come clean.
“Because I was tired of having that sorry bastard Azazel dictating what happened with my life,” I explained. “He had Invidia locked up in a cage, and her sisters wanted her to be freed. So, we went down into Hell, fought our way through the first Four Circles, and then freed her.”
Raph’s face was slack, and he wore an expression of hurt in his eyes. The Archangel ran his hands through his hair in frustration before he leaned back in the chair.
“And what about Azazel and the throne of the Fourth Circle?” he asked. “Are the rumors about that true as well?”
“They are,” I admitted. “You’re currently speaking to the King of the Fourth Circle, in the flesh.”
Raph bit his lip in frustration as his eyes darted around the room. Finally, he took a deep breath and folded his arms over his lap.
“Alright,” he said calmly. “So, you’re now a Demon King. I think we may actually be in some deep trouble here. Pardon my French, but once we enter that courtroom, we’re screwed.”
“Easy there, potty mouth!” Todd exclaimed with fake shock. “Nobody’s gonna be in trouble. Jakey and I have a fool-proof plan to get us outta this.”
“You do?” The Archangel’s tone perked up a bit. “What is it?”
“I’d love to tell ya,” the imp admitted, “but it’s Jakey’s plan. So, I’ll let him do all the legwork on this one. Right, Jakey?”
“Sure thing,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “My plan is to tell the truth.”
“With a bit of a
spin, of course,” Eligor added.
“Right,” I confirmed with a nod. “I’m going to march in there and explain everything that’s happened in the last few months. But I’m going to remind them I always have been and always will be on the side of the Divine. I’m also gonna mention how my followers and I have killed off every single demon that was in the book from the Chapel of the Trinity, and how that means our agreement is terminated. I’m a free agent now, so it shouldn’t matter that I’m a Demon King.”
“But it matters very much,” Raph protested. “The Divine and the Demonic are sworn enemies, Jacob. If you’re forming alliances with other Demon Kings and picking up followers in the Lake of Fire, then the Exalted One is going to see you as his enemy.”
“That’s a pretty black and white way of looking at things,” I shot back. “The way I see it, now the Divine has an inside man down in Hell.”
Raph quirked his head to the side as he began to rub his chin and stare off deep in thought.
“That angle might work,” he admitted. “Having an operative inside Hell itself is a prospect we’ve been trying to make happen for years. Unfortunately, most of the fallen angels tell us to, and I quote, ‘go fuck ourselves.’”
“See?” I proclaimed. “This is totally going to work.”
“As your friend, I’m afraid I’m going to warn you against that,” Raph sighed. “It’s one thing to be a demon-hunter on the side of the Divine, but it’s a whole new game if you want to be Heaven’s inside man.”
“How so?” I asked. “It can’t be any worse than having literal demon bounty hunters showing up at our doorstep and trying to kill us. Can it?”
“I’m afraid it’s much worse,” the Archangel explained. “Though both sides would love to do it, sending an inside operative into the other party’s domain is strictly forbidden by the Articles of Sodom. If you are caught, the Divine will have to officially deny they know you.”
“That means you’d be at the full mercy of Lucifer and all of the pissed-off Demon Lords who thought you were on their side, with zero help from the Divine,” Eligor added. “If they get ahold of you, I promise we’ll all suffer a fate far, far worse than death.”
“Then they won’t find out,” I declared. “I’m a pretty good actor. At least, that’s what Mr. Tarley from Drama Class always told me.”
