by Eric Vall
“The prosecution rests, your honor,” Metatron said cockily.
“Todd, you think you can get this guy to clear our name?” I asked my legal counsel.
The imp just shrugged.
“I dunno, bro,” he admitted, “but I’m sure as fuck gonna try. That’s what besties do, we--”
A deafening trumpet blared across the courtroom, and everyone stood.
“Wait, what’s going on?” I questioned aloud.
“This concludes our trial for the day,” Judge Elijah announced. “We will reconvene tomorrow at ten o’clock sharp and pick up right where we left off.”
“Hold on!” I growled. “I don’t even get to testify? How’s that fair?”
“You will get to testify tomorrow, should you so desire,” the Judge explained.
“But that gives all of the jury a full day to stew over what they just saw!” I argued. “I don’t even get to respond? That’s not fair in the slightest.”
“Mr. Ralston!” Judge Elijah’s voice was now booming. “Sit down, or I will have the bailiffs escort you to a holding cell. A real holding cell.”
“Over my fucking dead body,” I growled, and sparks of red Hellfire danced from my fingertips.
“Bro, chill out,” Todd whispered. “This is totally a win for us.”
“I’m with Todd,” Raphael agreed. “Violence won’t do anything to help our case.”
“Easy for you to say,” I grumbled as I tried to calm myself down. “You’ve come out so far looking like a Saint.”
“A foolish Saint, apparently,” the Archangel chuckled.
Two armored SWAT officers walked over to us and motioned for us to follow.
Todd, Raph, and I turned to leave, and I noticed a familiar head of red hair in the audience.
It was Ariel, the angel from earlier.
Eligor walked up to us and let out a deep sigh.
“Well, that could have gone much better,” she admitted.
“What are you talking about?” Todd scoffed. “Y’all slayed it up there on the stand.”
“Until that last guy got up there,” I argued. “That may have turned the whole trial in Metatron’s favor.”
“Why are your cultists killing people?” Raph pondered. “And claiming it’s in the name of the Exalted One? It makes no sense.”
“It doesn’t,” I agreed. “That’s why I think I’m being framed.”
“Beelzebub?” the Archangel asked.
“Who else?” I shot back. “This has his fingerprints all over it.”
The SWAT officers led us to a nearby elevator, allowed us to enter, and then pressed a button.
“This will take you directly to your room,” the officer explained. “Go straight there, and do not try to leave. If you do, we’re authorized to come after you with lethal force.”
The four of us stepped onto the elevator and then watched the metal doors close behind us.
“But how do we prove our innocence?” Raph continued our earlier conversation. “Especially when we’re going to be confined to a … one-star resort for the next twenty-four hours.”
“We can’t,” Eligor said proudly, “but that’s why we’re not going to stay in the hotel.”
“What do you mean?” Raphael gasped. “You’re not suggesting--”
“Take this,” the knight continued and shoved a piece of paper into my hand. “It’s from the sexy redhead we met earlier.”
I raised my eyebrow as I opened up the small piece of paper. Ariel had scribbled a few sentences onto the parchment with a blue pen, and her writing was somewhat hard to read. I held it up to the light, squinted, and then the words became clearer.
This is a total hack job. There’s no way for you to win this case, so we need to find a plan b. Hold tight in your room for a bit, I’m coming to get you.
We’re getting out of this place.
Chapter 8
“A jailbreak, bro,” Todd whistled. “I dig it.”
“We don’t need to be ‘jailbroken,’” Raphael whispered as the chrome doors of the elevator pinged. “That would only make us look more guilty, and I believe justice will prevail in this situation.”
“Easy for you to say,” I shot back. “They’ve got absolutely nothing on you. Meanwhile, I’ve got a bunch of fuckers out there pretending to be my cultists and killing people in my name. And they’ve got it on video.”
“And they have a witness,” Todd added. “I gotta admit, Jakey, as you legal counsel, I think this case is going south really quickly.”
The doors opened in front of us, and we were greeted with a large room with a light brown carpet and yellow walls. The ceilings were nearly ten-feet tall with a “popcorn” texture to them, and there was a half-circle light in the center of every room. A small flatscreen sat on a light brown dresser immediately next to a two-foot table with a coffee maker and a few wrapped plastic cups. Two full-sized beds sat across from the TV, and right beside it sat a black leather couch. All the way across the room was a sliding glass door that led to a balcony overlooking the beach and the crisp, blue waves of the ocean.
“What a dump,” Raphael scoffed as we stepped off the elevator. “I bet they don’t even have a cable package with the public news channel.”
“Probably not,” I sighed. “But I’d still say this is pretty nice for a holding cell.”
“This is by far the nicest place I’ve ever stayed in,” Eligor admitted. “Aside from your castle and mansion, of course.”
“Looks can be deceiving,” Raphael warned as he headed off toward the bathroom. “Watch.”
The Archangel disappeared into the other room, and then Todd hopped up onto one of the beds and laid back with his hands behind his head.
“I wonder what Little Mermaid is planning,” Todd mused. “Is she gonna go all Rambo up on those guards and bust us out? Or is she gonna put on some sorta skimpy maid outfit, pretend to be room service, and then slip us out through the back door?”
“You really need to find a better nickname for Ariel,” I chuckled.
“Maybe once we get to know her better,” the imp admitted. “Ohhhhh, maybe she’s going to rappel down onto the balcony from the rooftop, and then take us up to the roof where she has a chopper waiting?”
“She’s an angel, Todd,” I laughed. “She could just fly down here and grab us.”
“That’s not how the mind of an angel works,” Eligor corrected. “Most members of my former race are more like Raphael, always trying to one-up each other or go above and beyond in everything they do.”
“Fucking overachievers,” Todd gagged.
“Aha!” the Archangel’s voice called out from the bathroom. “They only gave us miniature bottles of generic shampoo! I told you this place was terrible.”
“Anyways,” Eligor continued with a roll of her eyes, “whatever Ariel is planning, it’s going to be over-the-top and convoluted.”
“I just hope it doesn’t involve cardio,” Todd sighed and closed his eyes. “That chick’s insane with her workout shit, and the Toddster doesn’t do anything that gets his heart rate over one-hundred beats per minute.”
“Isn’t that just a resting heart rate?” Eligor asked rhetorically.
“Bingo,” Todd said as he clicked his tongue and shot finger guns at the knight.
“I still think this is a terrible idea,” Raphael argued as he stepped back into the main room. “We still have half of a trial to go. That gives us plenty of time to clear your name.”
“Not if we’re stuck here in this room the whole time,” I argued. “Meanwhile, Beelzebub is probably having more of his cultists out there killing people and slandering my name as we speak.”
“Justice will prevail,” the dark-haired man said as his eyes narrowed.
“I don’t know how it works up here in Heaven,” I retorted, “but down on Earth this whole trial would be seen as a set-up. I mean fuck, they didn’t even tell us all of the charges we were being brought in on! How the hell were we suppose
d to prepare for that? And then the video evidence? Even if I get up there on the stand tomorrow and give the biggest, most moving speech ever written, most of the angels on the jury are going to side with their brethren. Why would they trust me? To them, I’m nothing but a mortal who got too big for his britches and ‘cheated’ my way through the demon underworld to become a Demon King.”
“You didn’t cheat,” Eligor protested. “From what your succubi have told me, you earned every single thing you currently have.”
“I agree with the knight,” Raph said with a nod. “You are much more than a simple Demon King, Jacob. You are a highly valuable asset to the Divine, as well as a good man. You just need to make the jury see that.”
“How?” I growled. “They’re going to see what they want to see anyways, and right now that’s a violent Demon King whose followers are unhinged and violent. Without actual proof of the contrary, we can’t win this one.”
“And how do you propose we get proof?” Raph questioned.
“By busting out of here, returning to Earth, and then getting one of those bastards to confess,” I explained. “And then maybe I can do my whole monologue bullshit.”
“It’d also look pretty good if you broke outta here and then came back later to finish your trial of your own free will … ” Todd mused.
“But what if this doesn’t work?” Raphael continued to beg. “If we break out of here and then don’t find whoever is causing this commotion, it will solidify you as guilty.”
“It won’t be hard to find these people,” I said with a shrug. “I’ve got eyes and ears all throughout the southwest.”
“If this really is Beelzebub we’re dealing with,” the Archangel continued, “then you need to be on your A-game. He’s not a mindless brute like Azazel or Baphomet. The King of the Eighth Circle is much more devious and crafty. He’s likely been monitoring our situation and probably has Plans B, C, and D all figured out and ready to go. I wouldn’t be surprised if he expected you to break out of Heaven and instructed his cultists to hold off on their attacks just to make you look even more guilty.”
“That’s a risk we’re going to have to take,” I admitted. “This is literally one of those ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ situations.”
“I’d much rather use the route that doesn’t look as damning, though,” the Archangel sighed.
“Look, Raph,” I explained, “you can stay, or you can go. But I’m going, and I’m sure Todd and Eligor are coming along. That’s your choice, and I won’t force you to do anything. In fact, it’d probably be better for you to stay behind anyway. It’ll further prove your innocence.”
I turned away from the Archangel and walked over to the glass patio door. Then I let out a deep sigh as I stared off into the crystal blue waves of paradise, soaking in the hypnotic sound of each one as they sloshed onto the shore.
I couldn’t be mad at Raphael. He was an Archangel, and his good name was currently being dragged through the mud thanks to my actions. He was completely innocent, and the last thing I wanted to do was implicate him in some massive conspiracy against the Divine.
“Jacob, wait … ” Raphael spoke up from the doorway. “I … I’ll go with you.”
“You will?” I asked curiously and spun around to look at the Archangel. “But what about ‘looking innocent’ and all that?”
The dark-haired man crossed his arms across his chest.
“Don’t mistake my gesture, Jacob,” he explained. “I still think running is a bad idea. But I believe in you, my friend. Just like you’ve believed in me before. If you think that’s the right move, I will follow you for better or for worse.”
“In sickness and in health?” Todd snickered.
“Why yes,” the Archangel explained, “in sickness and in health.”
“For richer or poorer?” the imp could barely contain his laughter at this point.
“Todd’s an ordained minister,” I jumped in before Raph could answer. “He’s just leading you on with a bit so he can say we’re ‘legally married.’ It’s a prank he loves to play on people. Me and my ex-girlfriend found that out the hard way.”
“Hey!” Todd argued. “I made sure you got the Playstation in your divorce proceedings.”
“Oh yes,” I laughed. “How could I possibly forget that?”
“An ordained minister?” Raph gasped. “I didn’t take you as the religious type, Todd. In fact, I figured you’d be aligned with the Church of Satan.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean, bro?” Todd demanded. “Just because I’ve got red skin, hooves, and horns, I’m supposed to worship Satan? That’s racism, and I figured Archangels would be way more forward-thinking, but I guess I was wrong.”
“I- uh, that’s definitely not what I was--” Raph muttered as his face turned red.
Suddenly, Todd began to cackle. He rolled over onto his stomach and slammed his fists and feet into the mattress as his laughter filled the room.
“I’m just fucking with you, bro,” Todd admitted. “I’m a Scientologist.”
“Oh, that’s uh- quite an interesting religion,” Raphael began. “Some of my closest mortal colleagues are, uh … ”
“Still fucking with ya,” Todd snickered. “But in all seriousness, I did take the test on holeymatrimony.com, so I can totally marry people if I want to. There was that time--”
Todd’s story was cut off by the dinging of the elevator, and Eligor, Raph, and I whipped around to see who was coming.
The doors slowly opened, and there stood Ariel. The angel had her hair pulled back in a messy bun, and she was wearing a pair of white and blue yoga pants with a black tank-top. Most importantly, however, was the pristine white apron tied to her body. She stood behind a small gray cart filled with all sorts of cleaning supplies.
“Ha!” Todd exclaimed. “I told you she was gonna do the maid thing. You all owe me twenty bucks.”
“We never bet on anything,” Eligor sighed and then turned her attention back to the redhead. “Brilliant plan, Ariel.”
“It’s really nothing,” the angel explained as she pushed the cart into the room. “I just snuck into the staff room, snagged an apron and a cart, took it down to the armory and then to the evidence room, filled it with everything we might need, and then told the guards I was headed up to clean the cells.”
“Wait,” I said curiously, “how did you get into the evidence room dressed like a maid?”
“Claimed I got a call from some officer that there was a spill that needed cleaning,” she said with a shrug.
“And they didn’t question the outfit?” Eligor added with scepticism.
“Not at all,” Ariel admitted. “Honestly, our security here is pretty awful. Probably because we almost never have to worry about issues with the residents, considering they’re the Exalted One’s ‘chosen’ and all that jazz.”
“This place is strange,” I observed with a sigh.
“But enough chit-chat,” Ariel continued, “I brought you all some goodies!”
The fit redhead walked over to the side of the cart, bent over, and pushed a bunch of the cleaning supplies off onto the floor. She fumbled around on the bottom shelf for a second or two, and then she popped back up with a white garment in her hands.
“For you, Magnum P.I.,” Ariel joked as she tossed the outfit to Raph. “I figured this would be much more handy for our current situation.”
The Archangel held up the garment and allowed it to unfold before him. A wide smile crept up his chiseled face as recognition flashed across his eyes.
It was his SWAT uniform.
“I haven’t seen this in months!” he exclaimed, and then he turned to run off to the bathroom to change.
“What did ya bring for the rest of us?” Todd asked curiously. “Hopefully not just a few bland uniforms.”
“The rest of you are dressed pretty normally,” she noted, but then her eyes wandered over to Eligor. “Well … except for you. Here, take this.”
“This takes me back,” Eligor laughed. “I never in a million years thought I’d be wearing one of these things again.”
“Now that we’ve got the outfits out of the way, we can move on to something a bit more exciting,” Ariel giggled.
The angel bent over once more, and I couldn’t help but marvel at her toned calves and tight ass. Finally, she popped back up holding a short sword about two and a half feet in length, with an even shorter hilt topped off with a large ball at the end.
“Is that a fucking gladius?” Todd gasped. “I call dibs!”
“I figured you’d want the shorter one,” Ariel chuckled as she handed the weapon to the imp.
“Hey now,” Todd shot back as he took a few practice swings with the sword. “It’s not the size that counts. If it can penetrate, it’s a first-rate. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.”
“I’ve got a few more weapons for--” Ariel began.
“But I never had that problem,” the imp interjected. “‘Cause my schlong’s giganto.”
The redheaded angel looked disgusted, but then she continued to dig into her armory. Next, she produced a claymore sword made of pure white steel and had several latin phrases etched into its blade.
“I want that one!” Eligor announced. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m pretty damn good with a sword.”
The knight took the Divine blade and weighed it in her hand as Ariel showed us the next weapon. It was a single-sided battle axe with a blade that curved nearly halfway down its hilt.
“Have you ever fought with a Scottish battle-axe?” the angel asked as her brown eyes locked with mine. “It’s a fairly simple weapon, but it’s very, very effective.”
“It can’t be that much different than a warhammer or a sword,” I admitted, and then I took the weapon in my grasp.
The hilt was made up of some sort of solid dark wood, and the head of the axe was composed of the same white steel that the rest of these divine weapons seemed to have. It was much lighter than I expected it to be, and I twirled it around for good measure.
