by Eric Vall
“Anything else?” I asked.
“There is one more thing … ” Ariel seemed hesitant. “But it’s one of the more lethal weapons around Heaven.”
“I like the sound of that,” I shot back. “Now you have to show us.”
The angel bent over once more and came back up with a shiny golden pistol inside of a pure white holster.
“Is that what I think it is?” Todd gasped.
“It’s the Divine Desert Eagle,” Ariel said with a smile. “I know this is supposed to be a ‘non-lethal’ mission, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to snatch it from the armory. Here.”
The redhead held out the golden gun and its holster, and I plucked it from her hand delicately. I wrapped the belt of the holster around my waist, fastened it tightly, and then tossed the bottom of my shirt over it to conceal the weapon.
“I appreciate it,” I said with a grin. “It’ll come in handy when we get back to Earth.”
“Jakey’s gonna pop a cap in some cultists’ asses, aren’t ya, Jakey?” Todd couldn’t help but be giddy as he posed the question.
“Oh, it’ll do more than that,” Ariel explained. “I’ve seen the Earth version of that in action, and it looks like a pea shooter in comparison.”
“Jakey,” Todd mumbled in disbelief. “Promise me one thing.”
“What is it, Todd?” I asked.
“You gotta promise me first,” he pleaded.
“Okay fine,” I conceded. “I promise. Now, what do you want?”
“Promise me whenever you use that magnificent piece of golden death, you’ll say some sort of clever catchphrase,” he continued. “You can’t use something that badass without following up with a catchphrase.”
“Alright … ” I promised weakly. “I’ll try to say something badass when I use it.”
“What will you be using, Ariel?” Eligor questioned her angelic ally. “Surely you don’t plan on pushing forward with just your fists?”
“Of course not,” Ariel giggled. “Here, let me show you. You might wanna step back.”
We all took a step away from the redhead, and then she clenched her fists and threw out her arms violently. As she did so, four pure white daggers of energy emerged from the top of her hands and jutted out nearly six inches beyond her fingertips.
“Damn,” I gasped.
“Holy fuck, Jakey!” Todd exclaimed. “Did we just add Wolverine to our team?”
“I don’t know about that,” Ariel said coyly, “but these energy daggers have been my go-to weapon for as long as I can remember. My fighting style is much more acrobatic than most angels, and these puppies do wonders for landing quick, lethal strikes.”
Just then, Raphael came walking back out into the room. He was now clad in his pure white SWAT uniform, with his FAMAS slung over his back, a dagger at his belt, and a handful of grenades in a bandolier across his chest.
“Now this is more like it,” the Archangel mused. “I feel like myself again.”
“There’s the badass warrior Archangel we remember,” I laughed.
“So, Ariel,” Eligor asked hopefully, “what is our plan of attack?”
“First, we take out the guards,” she explained, “and then we try to be as discreet as possible as we leave the building. Once they realize we’ve escaped, they’re going to send the whole cavalry after us.”
“You say that with a little too much enthusiasm, Bub,” Todd noted.
“What can I say?” Ariel said with a shrug. “I’m always up for a good challenge.”
“Why can’t we just fly out over the balcony?” I questioned. “There’s literally nothing between us and the open sea but a couple hundred feet of beach.”
“And a bunch of armed guards,” Ariel corrected. “They might be treating you well right now, but you’re still their prisoner.”
“Fair enough,” I said with a nod. “So, we go through the building. Then what?”
“Sooner or later I’m afraid we’ll have to come to blows with some of these Divine soldiers,” the redhead explained. “We’ll never be able to outrun these soldiers on foot, so we’ll need to send somebody for a getaway vehicle. They’ll still be able to chase us through the air, but at least we might be able to stay a few paces ahead of them.”
“Uh, can’t Raphey just teleport us all down to Earth with his sparkly magic?” Todd pondered aloud.
“Not while we’re in one of the paradises,” the Archangel explained. “An angel can only perform an act of interdimensional travel once they are beyond the Pearly Gates.”
“So, we need to get back there,” I noted.
“Precisely,” Ariel continued. “There is an exit portal about ten miles down the road, where the beach comes to an end. It’s the one I use every morning when I’m jogging so I can travel to the Alps.”
“So, let’s see if I’m understanding this,” Todd began. “We hotwire some Divine vehicle, drive it to the edge of town, go to the Pearly Gates, break through them, and then have Raphey teleport us back down to Earth. All while we’re being chased by a small army of Divine soldiers?”
“That is correct,” the angel confirmed.
Todd stared at her for a second, but then he just smiled and shook his head.
“That sounds like it has the makings of a classic Todd and Jakey adventure, Little Mermaid,” he chuckled. “Let’s do it.”
“Todd,” I ordered the imp, “you’re the only one of us who can turn invisible. I’m designating you to sneak out and find our getaway car. Just try to be discreet about it, alright?”
“Jakey,” the imp sighed, “you can’t give me a badass gladius sword and tell me to be discreet. I’ll try to be all stealth-like, but I can’t promise I won’t end up stabbing a bitch.”
“Definitely no stabbing!” I shot back at the imp. “We want to try and make it look like we’re innocent, remember?”
“Even if it’s non-lethal?” Todd said with a frown.
“Even if it’s non-lethal,” I clarified.
The imp let out a sigh and hung his head in disappointment. Then he walked over to the sliding glass door, tugged it open, and turned himself invisible.
“One getaway car, coming right up, bros,” the imp’s disembodied voice said sadly. “And no bitches will be stabbed, cross my heart and hope to die.”
I heard Todd let out a small “oof,” and then there was no sign of him.
“One last thing, before we begin,” I said as I turned back to Ariel. “Why are you helping us escape? You’re literally risking life and limb right now, and for what?”
“Because, after watching your trial, I believe in you,” Ariel admitted. “Metatron is a fantastic lawyer, but it’s obvious he’s missing the big picture here. You’re being set up, and he’s falling for it hook, line, and sinker. I don’t want to see that happen. Besides, my life here isn’t that great.”
“That’s quite a bold statement,” Raph scoffed. “It’s Heaven. What’s there not to like?”
“Easy for you to say,” she shot back, “you’re an Archangel. You have all the power and fame and glory you could ever want. Me? I’m just a lowly blacksmith for the Army of the Divine. Do you know how long I’ve been trying to get a promotion? Two-thousand years! Yet there I am, hammering away at Angelglass day after day.”
“Angelglass?” I pondered aloud.
“That’s what all of the Divine’s armor and weapons are made out of,” she explained. “It’s a special metal that’s been enchanted by Divine Light so it’s more resistant to Hellfire. Speaking of which … ”
“I really don’t like the sound of that,” Eligor sighed.
“Your Hellfire magic isn’t going to work like it normally does,” the redhead continued. “It’s going to be much weaker than it is down on Earth or in Hell.”
“Great,” I sighed. “I guess Todd better find a really fucking fast car, then.”
“Look on the bright side, Jacob,” Raphael joked. “Weaker Hellfire means it can be used more often,
since it’ll be non-lethal.”
“I guess you’re right,” I chuckled at the Archangel’s comments.
The four of us turned around, faced the elevator, and held our weapons at the ready.
“Alright, guys,” I commanded my friends. “Let’s blow this joint. I’ve got a name to clear.”
Chapter 9
This was it. With the help of a sexy redheaded angel, we were gonna break out of Heaven.
Even for us, this was a fucking crazy idea.
But we really didn’t have any other choice. I was currently on trial, and the public opinion had heavily shifted toward a “guilty” verdict. The only way I was going to clear my name was by going back down to Earth and getting my hands dirty in order to get a confession.
Raphael, Eligor, Ariel, and I gripped our weapons tightly as we boarded the elevator that would take us back to the first level of the building.
The first part was simple. There were two armed SWAT officers guarding the elevator doors, we needed to take them out non-lethally and as quietly as we could, and then we would have to make our way through the rest of the building.
Considering this building housed the courts of this district as well as most of its law enforcement, that was where things would get tricky.
My friends and I boarded the elevator, and then I gave them a nod as I pressed the button that would take us down.
“Remember the plan,” I reminded everybody. “We just have to get outside, and then we’ll rendezvous with Todd, and he’ll get us out of here in some sort of turbocharged sports car.”
“Are you sure it was the best idea to send the imp to be our driver?” Ariel questioned. “Can he even reach the pedals?”
“He can once he morphs into his human form,” I explained. “Don’t worry about the Toddster. He might not seem like much, but he’s saved our skin more times than I can count.”
My eyes were laser-focused on the numbers at the top of the elevator as they lit up in descending order. We were now only two floors from our destination, and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and the adrenaline beginning to course through my veins.
Finally, the “number one” circle lit up, and a loud ding sounded throughout the tiny chamber of the elevator. Then the doors opened.
There was no turning back now.
Ariel put on a massive fake smile as she stepped out of the elevator. “It was very messy up there,” she said through a sigh. “It’s like those mortals are raised in a barn.”
“Hold on,” I heard one of the soldiers growl. “Where is your--”
I wasn’t going to let him finish that sentence. I hopped out of the elevator, summoned red Hellfire into my hands, and blasted him square in the side.
The SWAT officer smashed into the nearby wall and let out a gasp as the air was knocked from his lungs.
As I stepped toward the stunned officer, I heard the sound of one of my teammates hitting the second guard. I saw my opponent reach down for his walkie-talkie, but I quickly threw up a cube of purple Hellfire over his hand so he couldn’t grip the communicator. Then I rushed over to the fucker, surrounded my own hand with the purple spell, and punched him as hard as I could in the face.
Bluish-red blood flew from his mouth, but he didn’t go down.
“Come on,” I pleaded, “don’t make me hurt you badly.”
The SWAT officer stumbled back toward me and took aim with his assault rifle.
I knocked the barrel of the gun away with my hand before I threw my foot up and drove it into the man’s stomach.
He let out a gasp as he was tossed back into the wall, and then I slugged him in the face with my glowing fist once more.
Thankfully, he went down this time.
I whipped around to see Eligor standing over the other guard, who was also out cold.
“You could have helped, you know,” she hissed at Raphael.
“I-I’m sorry,” he sighed. “Committing a potential act of treason is one thing, but actually fighting against my brothers is another. I promise I’ll act quicker next time.”
“Good,” Eligor said as she pointed her finger at the Archangel. “Because next time, it may be the difference between escape and capture.”
“More like life or death,” Ariel admitted. “Jacob and Raphael are the ones on trial. You and I are completely expendable in the eyes of the Divine.”
“Great,” the blonde knight shot back. “Even more reason to get the fuck out of here quickly.”
Raphael pulled his FAMAS from his shoulder and held it in his hands menacingly.
“I’ll act as your escort,” he explained. “If we play this right, they’ll all just think I’m a SWAT officer taking you to your next holding cell.”
“You sure about that?” Eligor sounded skeptical. “You literally have an official portrait hanging in the lobby.”
“You’d be surprised at how well I can blend in,” Raph scoffed. “Contrary to popular belief, you don’t become an Archangel just by kissing up to the Exalted One. You have to be the best of the best, and that includes being a master of espionage.”
The Archangel reached up with his left hand, untied his man bun, and let his dark locks fall down onto his shoulders. He messed his hair up with his free hand, shook his head, and then straightened his body up into a more firm posture.
“There,” he mused. “Nobody will ever recognize me now.”
“You can’t be serious,” Eligor sighed. “That’s--”
“We don’t have time to argue!” Ariel snapped. “Let’s go!”
I walked over to Raph and placed my hands behind my back as if they were bound, and then we started down the hallway.
Eligor and Ariel made sure they walked several feet in front of us to not arouse suspicion. As they made their way down the drab, seventies-style corridor, they chatted as if they were old friends who were just going out for a mid-afternoon coffee, not two deadly warriors who were committing an unforgivable sin.
We walked through the building for a few minutes, past several large, open-concept offices full of outdated technology and angels who clanked away busily at their typewriters. We had to take the long way around in order to avoid the courthouse section of the building, where we surely would have been recognized after the earlier fiasco. Finally, off in the distance, we saw the front desk where we’d first come in.
One more corner, and we were home free.
Ariel and Eligor continued to yak it up as they passed by the receptionist, and for a moment I thought all was well.
That is, until Raph and I tried to walk by.
“Hold it!” Savannah, the woman behind the desk, called out. “Don’t I know you guys?”
“You must be mistaken,” Raphael chuckled in a much higher-pitched voice than normal. “I don’t think we’ve formally met. I’m just a simple guard, trying to transfer this prisoner to his next holding cell.”
The woman behind the desk popped her gum in her mouth and raised her eyebrows.
“Uh-huh,” she mumbled. “You sure about that? It don’t say nothin’ here about no prisoner transfer.”
“I can assure you we’re legal,” Raphael joked. “I got the order from Judge Elijah himself. We’re moving him for his own safety.”
“Oh my,” Savannah gasped. “They really think he’s in danger? He musta done somethin’ really serious.”
Oh, thank fuck. She must not have watched the trial.
Maybe there was still hope for us after all.
“Maybe, maybe not,” Raphael continued. “It’s on a ‘need to know’ basis. Now, if you’ll excuse me--”
“Sorry, mister,” the woman with the wide brimmed glasses warned, “I can’t just let you walk outta this building with a wanted criminal. I’m gonna have to verify it with Metatron first.”
I glanced over and saw the exit was only a few dozen feet away. If we made a break for it right now, we could probably make it there before anyone got to us.
“I’m afraid I cannot keep
waiting around out in the open,” Raphael argued. “This man is in mortal danger, and you’re making us stand around like sitting ducks?”
Savannah reached down, grabbed a corded phone, and slammed it onto the desk. She then picked up the headset, placed it between her shoulder and her ear, and began to use the rotary pad on its front.
“Sorry, mister,” she fake-apologized, “I gotta verify this.”
I tried to think of any way out of this that I possibly could. Then it hit me.
My silver Hellfire.
If I could focus it in on the inner components of the phone, maybe I could melt it from the inside and render it useless. Of course, if these things were made out of enchanted metal, nothing would happen other than me getting a splitting headache.
I closed my eyes, tucked my hand underneath my shirt so the spell was hidden, and tried to focus. I pictured the phone in Savannah’s hand, and then I tried to imagine the inner workings of the device. Images of circuit boards and wiring crossed through my mind, and then I ordered my magical spell to turn it all into a mushy pulp.
“That’s weird,” Savannah sighed. “The phone’s not workin’.”
“What a shame,” Raphael nearly gasped with relief. “Now, if you don’t mind?”
“If this comes back to bite me in the ass, I’m gonna have yer badge,” the receptionist growled.
“That’s quite alright,” Raphael chuckled as we began to head toward the exit.
Then all Hell broke loose.
The lights in the building went dark and then were immediately replaced by a flashing red glow. The shrill sound of sirens filled the air as large metal gates crashed down onto all of the doors, including the exit.
“Fucking shit,” I growled as I dropped the “prisoner” facade and summoned green Hellfire into my hands.
I tried to throw out one of my interdimensional portals, but nothing happened. Instead, dark green sparks flitted from my hands and then disappeared into thin air.
“I told you it wouldn’t be as strong up here,” Ariel sighed and summoned forth her claws. “It looks like we’re gonna have to hold them off until you find a way to get through that door.”
