Succubus Lord 9

by Eric Vall

  “I like the way you think, Raphey!” Todd exclaimed. “You heard the Archangel. To the chicken palace!”

  As we pulled up to the restaurant, I noticed just how run-down it looked. The building was shaped so it looked like a kid’s meal box, with little handles at the top and bright colors all over, including a logo with a cartoonish yellow chicken with an oversized cowboy hat. The red and yellow paint on the exterior was flaking off in large clumps, while the logo was fading and the windows looked like they hadn’t been washed in weeks.

  “Are we sure it’s even open?” Eligor asked. “It looks deserted.”

  “Ohhhhh, no,” Todd said as he rubbed his hands together excitedly. “That just means its fucking incredible. The places that look the shittiest always have the best food.”

  “And usually a moderate risk of food poisoning,” I reminded him. “But it’s almost always worth the risk.”

  We pulled up to the speaker and inspected the menu as it crackled to life.

  “Yeeeehaw, welcome to Tex’s Chicken,” a monotone voice mumbled from the other side. “What can I get ‘y’all’ today?”

  “What do you think, guys?” I asked the group. “Do we just wanna get a bunch of stuff and split it up?”

  “Fine by me,” Raphael said with a nod. “As long as we all get equal portions, of course.”

  “Commie bastard,” Todd joked, but then went silent when Raph shot him a death glare.

  “What about you, Ariel?” I laughed as I glanced back at the redhead in the mirror. “Do you think you can stomach anything on this menu?”

  “They appear to have grilled options.” She shrugged. “One of those with a side salad and water would be a-okay with me. I eat paleo.”

  “Of course you do,” Todd snickered.

  “Alright,” I said, “everyone else okay with the greasy combos?”

  “You know it, bro,” Todd said as he slapped his potbelly.

  “Okay,” I announced into the speaker, “we’ll take a grilled chicken combo with a salad and a water. And then give us the ‘mega pack’ of tenders and five sides of french fries.”

  “And a large chocolate shake,” Todd whispered.

  “And two large chocolate shakes,” I explained and then turned to the cabin. “Anyone else want one?”

  Cat-Aruna meowed loudly.

  “Make that three--”

  “I would like one, too, Jacob,” Raphael whispered.

  “Why not?” Eligor added.

  “Make that five large chocolate shakes,” I sighed.

  “Don’t you dare forget the biscuits, bro,” Todd warned. “Or the mashed potatoes.”

  “How am I supposed to eat mashed potatoes while I’m driving?” I shot back at the imp.

  “You leave that to your wingman over here,” he reassured me. “I’ll fucking feed you like a baby bird if I have to, just get those microwaved potatoes!”

  “And a large order of mashed potatoes and biscuits,” I announced into the speaker. “That will complete our order.”

  “Cool,” the monotone voice sighed. “Your total comes to fifty-six eighty. Pull around.”

  As we rolled up to the first window, I saw why the employee was so disengaged.

  A teenage boy in a stained yellow polo stood at the drive-thru. He was completely zoned out on his phone when we pulled up, and then he stuck out his hand lazily. I handed him my card, and his eyes never left his screen as he swiped it, ripped off the receipt, and then placed them both back in my hand.

  “Have a nice day,” he mumbled as we pulled away.

  We moved up to the next window, where an overly-enthusiastic employee handed us a giant bag with the “Tex’s Chicken” logo on it, followed by a drink holder containing all of our shakes. Instantly, the cabin of Shadow was filled with the smell of greasy, spicy chicken tenders, and my mouth began to water.

  Todd took charge of the drinks, while the passengers in the back got the large bag.

  I pulled out of the parking lot as quickly as I could and then got us back on the main highway, back toward our destination.

  “Alright, Jakey,” Todd explained. “This is just like our trips back to Lallapalooza in high school. You focus on driving, and the co-pilot will focus on getting that delicious grub in your gullet.”

  I glanced over and saw Todd had laid out a small package of fries in front of the cat-Aruna, who was gobbling them down intensely.

  “Come on, dude … ” I sighed. “Salt and grease all over the leather seats?”

  “It’ll clean out.” He shrugged. “Besides, look at how content your little girlfriend is over here.”

  “My goodness … ” Raphael gasped as he crunched into a chicken tender, “you were right, Todd. This is the best chicken I’ve ever eaten. And I’ve dined with the Exalted One!”

  Eligor handed Todd another small bag of fries, and he placed it delicately in the small cubby of the Jeep’s console. Then he snatched a napkin, wrapped it around a few chicken tenders, and then placed it next to the fries.

  “There ya go, Jakey,” he mused. “Now you can eat ‘em at your leisure.”

  “Thanks, bro,” I chuckled and grabbed a handful of fries.

  The small ribbons of fried potato were golden-yellow, warm, and greasy to the touch. As I placed them into my mouth, my taste buds lit up with a mixture of grease and salt.

  “Here, bro,” Todd pleaded. “You gotta take a swig of this shake. That’s always the best way to wash down your greasy-ass fries.”

  The imp placed one of the large styrofoam cups in the center cup-holder and then stabbed a thin red straw into it.

  I grabbed the shake, wrapped my lips around the straw, and inhaled. The sweet, cold sensation of the chocolate ice cream was the perfect counter to the oil and salt of the french fries, and my eyes rolled back in my head.

  “I haven’t had a good shake in forever,” I groaned. “Those were surprisingly in short supply down in Hell.”

  “I’ll admit,” Eligor spoke up, “this shit is really good. Much better than vargrat, that’s for sure.”

  “So, Raphey, back to your last comment,” Todd pondered as he gulped down another chicken tender. “What’s the big guy upstairs like? Is he some old dude with a white beard and bushy white hair like in all the pictures?”

  “Not even close,” the Archangel explained through a mouthful of mashed potatoes. “Much like Lucifer, the Exalted One appears to you in whatever form he finds the most appropriate at the time.”

  “Wait … ” I gasped. “Is that why nobody has ever really ‘seen’ Lucifer? Because he appears differently to everyone he encounters.”

  “Precisely,” Raph continued. “In fact, I would be shocked if you hadn’t already encountered him, with you being in Hell for six months and all.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of,” I admitted as I picked up a chicken tender.

  I bit down into the greasy morsel and its crispy, spiced breading nearly melted in my mouth. The meat of the chicken was ridiculously juicy, and I almost wondered if it had liquified in my mouth. I scarfed down the rest of my fries and the tenders and washed it down with another sweet swig of shake.

  “I wouldn’t worry too much about it, Jacob,” Eligor explained. “As Superbia and I told you, if Lucifer really wanted you dead, he would have killed you by now. Surely he’s been keeping a close eye on all or our endeavors.”

  “Great … ” I sighed. “That’s just what we’d need. The literal Devil on our asses.”

  I paused and waited to be corrected, to be told I should call him “Lucifer,” but nothing came. It was strange traveling without my succubi, but I knew they were off making strides in both of my Earth Realm and Hellish affairs.

  “How’s that gym rat meal going for ya, LM?” Todd asked as he whipped around in his seat and looked at Ariel.

  “It’s delicious,” she explained. “Unfortunately, it’s a little too much for me. I’m gonna have to go on a two mile run just to work this off.”

 
“Meanwhillllle,” Todd snickered as he turned back around, “I’m gonna smash this whole chocolate shake in a single gulp. Check this out.”

  The imp threw his mouth around the straw of his shake, exhaled through his nose, and then inhaled intensely. As he did so, an obnoxious slurping sound filled the cabin of the vehicle. Todd’s expression grew determined as he continued to try and suck down the ice cream in one go. Finally, his eyes grew wide, and he released the straw from his lips.

  “Fuckin’ brain freeze!” he growled as he grabbed his head.

  “Who ever could have seen that coming?” I joked.

  “Here you go, Jacob,” Raphael interjected from the back seat as he held up a small packet with the Tex’s Chicken logo on it. “These biscuits are to die for. Plus, maybe they’ll help with Todd’s brain freeze.”

  I snatched the package from the Archangel’s hand, unwrapped it, and popped one of the hand-made biscuits into my mouth whole. Instantly, it crumbled into what seemed like a million pieces and felt like a buttery explosion against my tongue. I swallowed down the last bits of the dish as I passed the second one to Todd.

  The imp grabbed the biscuit, tossed it into his mouth, and swallowed it whole. He then fell back onto his ass, wiped his forehead, and let out a loud “whew.”

  The cat-Aruna beside him let out a frustrated meow, and the imp raised his wiry eyebrows.

  “Yeah, yeah,” he mumbled. “You still need your shake. Here.”

  The imp grabbed the last cup in the holder, popped off the lid, and then held it at an angle.

  Aruna let out a happy chirp, stuck the entire front half of her face into the cup, and began to lap up the shake happily.

  We continued scarfing down the various foods until it was finally all gone. At one point, Todd tried to spoon-feed me mashed potatoes while I was driving, but a bump on the road stopped that real quick. Instead of eating the delicious, buttery potatoes, my friend got them all over his lap.

  When all was said and done, the car was filled with miserable groans of an overstuffed team. Even Aruna, in her cat form, laid lazily against the passenger’s seat as she made over exhausted wheezing sounds.

  We drove down the highway for another four hours, with my friends swapping stories of their various adventures in between bouts of snoozing and singing along to the tunes on the radio.

  Then, along the side of the road, I saw the sign.

  Welcome to Cortez, CO.

  I knew this was a small town, but I had no idea just how small it really was.

  Nightfall was upon us as we drove down the main drag of the town, with its gas stations, fast food joints, and run-down inns. There wasn’t a single car out on the road, and the whole place felt like a modern-day ghost town.

  “I don’t like this one bit,” I announced as I gripped the steering wheel tightly. “Where the fuck is everybody?”

  “It’s a small desert town on a weekday night, Jakey,” Todd explained. “They’re probably all locked away in their homes watching Wheel of Fortune or some shit like that.”

  “I don’t think that’s--” I started, but then I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.

  “Jacob!” Ariel gasped. “Watch out!”

  No sooner had the angel’s warning left her lips did a blast of red Hellfire strike the road directly in front of our vehicle.

  I twisted the wheel around as I tried to keep control of the Jeep, but we still did a total one-eighty and ended up on the opposite side of the road.

  “What the fuck was that?” I demanded as I scanned the night for any sign of our assailant.

  Suddenly, the cat in the passenger seat was surrounded in ectoplasm and turned back into Aruna. The Rakshasi wasted no time in tossing open the Jeep door, ducking down, and then combat rolling out into the road. As she popped back up to her feet, the assassin spun around and unleashed her Chakram into the night.

  Sparks flew as it struck a nearby building, and I saw the shadow of a distinct robed figure take off like a bat out of Hell.

  “Guys,” Aruna announced, “we’ve got a runner.”

  The Rakshasi took off after the assailant on foot, and I kicked the Jeep into gear.

  “Let’s go catch these bastards,” I growled as I slammed down on the gas pedal and launched us into action.

  Chapter 13

  “Easy on the turns there, bro,” Todd gagged as our vehicle whipped around the corner of a side road. “Unless you want Shadow’s interior to be painted with a fresh coat of ‘imp’s last meal.’”

  Normally, I would have made a snarky comment or laughed at Todd’s jokes, but now was not the time for goofing off. Aruna and I both had one of the Order of the Exalted’s fuckers in our sights, and we weren’t gonna let him get away.

  “Jacob,” Raphael spoke up from the back seat. “You must know that this is a trap.”

  “Probably,” I admitted, “but that’s why I was sure to bring along my airborne allies. You guys get out there and make sure they’re not trying to ambush us. And if they are, you know what to do.”

  “This is always the most fun part of our adventures,” Eligor mused, and then she turned around and hung her torso over the seat.

  It took everything in my power to keep myself from staring at the fallen angel’s ass as she rummaged through the back, but I managed to keep my eyes on the road.

  Aruna was doing a form of crazy parkour as she chased after the cultist, and she was gaining on him fast. The Rakshasi propelled herself off a brick wall, spun around, and unleashed her deadly chakram.

  There was a quick flash of midnight blue as freezing Hellfire struck the weapon and halted it in midair.

  The assassin, however, didn’t let it discourage her. She somersaulted off a dumpster and twisted her body as she snatched the weapon out of the air, and then she kept her momentum as she hit the ground running.

  “She’s really good,” Ariel whistled. “I need to invite her to do P90X with me sometime.”

  “The best money can buy,” I noted as I swerved down another street.

  “Alright, Raph,” Eligor announced as she tied her weapons belt around her bare waist. “You ready to hit the skies?”

  “Can an albatross travel ten-thousand miles in a single journey? The answer, of course, is yes!” the Archangel shot back in a seemingly badass tone.

  “Raphey, we gotta work on your one-liners,” Todd said queasily.

  The next thing I knew, the rear passenger’s side door flew open, and Eligor and Raph rolled out onto the street. As I glanced back in my side mirror, I saw their angel wings sprout from their backs with a flash of white light, and then they darted up into the sky.

  I made a violent right turn, and the open door slammed shut on its own.

  “Why are we going this way, Jakey?” Todd asked as he leaned his head out the window like a dog. “The cat-lady and our bogey are still headed north.”

  “We’re going to cut them off,” I explained. “Raph and Eligor are our eyes from above, right guys?”

  “Right, Jacob,” Eligor’s voice crackled through the communicator I’d had her install on her belt. “They just turned and are headed west.”

  I whipped the vehicle around so we were now headed back north.

  “How are we looking, guys?” I asked desperately.

  “You look to be on the right path,” Eligor admitted, “but you’ll need to go much faster if you want to cut him off.”

  I floored the gas, and Shadow’s wheels screeched against the asphalt of the road as we shot down the street at breakneck speeds.

  “Something’s not sitting right with me,” Ariel fretted. “We’re making all sorts of noise. I’m not one-hundred percent sure how it works on Earth Realm, but up in Heaven we’d have cops all over us by now. Also, why doesn’t it look like there are any lights on?”

  “We’ll figure that out in a minute,” I growled as we approached the intersection. “Right now, I just want to catch this bastard.”

  “You’re coming in too h
ot!” Eligor’s voice warned through the other side of the communicator. “Hit the brakes now!”

  I slammed down on the brake pedal, and smoke shot up from beneath the Jeep as it screeched to a halt in the dead center of the intersection.

  Right in front of the fleeing bastard.

  I saw his eyes go wide for a brief second before he slammed into the nose of Shadow, flipped into the air, and then tumbled along the ground violently for a few feet. He tried to pull himself back up onto his knees, but the heel of Aruna’s foot slammed him forcefully back down into the ground.

  I pulled Shadow over into an empty parking spot along the side of the road, and then my friends and I hopped out of the car and dashed over to the scene.

  Aruna now had the blade of her bhuj pinned against the back of the fucker’s head as he writhed beneath her foot.

  “It was Jacob Ralston!” he exclaimed. “I don’t know who you are, but he made me do it! My glorious leader ordered us to kill all those men in the community center. If we didn’t, he was going to feed us to that demented imp of his!”

  “Now hold just the fuck up there, buddy,” Todd hissed as we approached. “I can’t even stand to have my steak medium rare, let alone human flesh!”

  The robed man looked over at me, and his mouth spread into a wide grin. He had gashes and bruises all over his face, and it looked like his nose was broken out of place.

  “Master!” he gasped through a mouthful of blood. “I’m so glad to see you here. We finished off the Cult of Mammon and destroyed all of the heretics in the city, just like you asked!”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” I snarled as I unsheathed the black combat knife from its sheath.

  “Please don’t be mad, King Ralston,” the cultist was now practically begging. “Please don’t smite me as you did my brothers in Phoenix. I submit to your divine glory!”

  “Shut the fuck up,” I commanded, and then I kicked the bastard in the face. “Who sent you? Where are the rest of the Order?”

  “You sent me, my king,” the man blubbered and spat out another mouthful of blood.

  “Cut the shit, OE scum,” Aruna demanded as she pressed the man back into the ground. “Where are the rest of your brethren?”