Last Exit to Brooklyn

by Hubert Selby Jr.

  She leaned out the window, her favorite window. From it the factory and the empty lots and junkyards were not visible; she could see only the landscaping and the playground. And everything was coming to life and it was warm with sunshine. There were dozens of shades of green and now that spring was really here it would get greener and life would multiply on the earth and the birds would be more plentiful and their song would wake her in the mornings. All would be beautiful. She watched the birds hopping on the ground, flying to the tree limbs still thin but soon to be thick and heavy with green leaves. Yes, the first warm day of the year. She breathed deeply. Yes, it is warm. The first warm day of the year. There were a few other days when the sun had shone and the air had been warm, but there was always the last of the winter winds to chill it or rain to wet it. But not so today. The long winter was over. The long cold bitter winter when all you could do was walk to the store and back to the apartment . . . back to the apartment to sit and stare out the window and wait . . . wait for a day such as this. There were a few days—yes a few, not many— when she had been able to sit on the bench, but even though the winds were still and the sun bright she could only sit downstairs for a few minutes and then, though she had bundled herself well in sweaters, gloves, scarf, and coat and sat where the sun was shining brightest, a chill would seep through her clothing and she would have to go upstairs. And even with the sun bright you couldnt really feel it, not really feel it as you should, as the sun is supposed to light your body and warm it through right to your heart. No, you could feel it only a little on your face. And, there was never anyone to talk to in the winter. No one came and sat. Not even for a few minutes. And too, the winters are so long. And lonely. All alone in her 3 rooms filled with furniture, the relics saved from the old days, sitting by the window watching the bare tree limbs shiver in the wind; the birds searching the frozen, bare ground; people walking with their backs turned to the wind and the whole world with their backs to her. In the winter everyones hate was bare if you looked. She saw hate in the icicles that hung from her window; she saw it in the dirty slush on the streets; she heard it in the hail that scratched her window and bit her face; she could see it in the lowered heads hurrying to warm homes . . . yes their heads were lowered away from Ada and Ada beat her breast and pulled her hair yelling to the Lord God Jehovah to have pity and be merciful and she scratched her face until her fingernails filled with flesh and blood dribbled down her cheeks, beating her head against her window until her head was bruised and small droplets of thin blood smeared with the moisture on her wailing wall, her arms still raised in supplication to Jehovah asking why she was being punished, begging mercy, asking why the people turned against her, beating her breast and begging mercy from her God who delivered the Tablets unto Moses and guided his children across the burning desert; the wrathful God who parted the Red Sea for the chosen people and drowned the pursuing armies in its turbulent waters; pleading with the revengeful God who delivered a pestilence unto the Pharaoh and the children of Israel when they turned their backs to him . . . O God have mercy . . . and Ada stood in front of her wailing wall looking at heaven through the frost covered glass smeared with her blood, praying to the Father as did the trees with their bared limbs raised to heaven; and she beat her breast and pulled her hair and tore the flesh from her cheeks and banged her head, and she would fall against her window weeping, sobbing, slowly sinking, sinking to her knees muttering . . . and Ada would lie on the floor sobbing, crying, bleeding . . . then, after a time, sleep. When she awoke she fasted for 24 hours, sitting among her relics, reciting ancient prayers aloud, rocking back and forth in her chair as she prayed. At the end of the 24 hours she fixed a cup of broth and stood in front of her window looking at the leafless trees and frozen earth, ignoring the concrete, the cars that passed, hearing only the voice of God and thinking only of the warm days to come. For 2 more days, 3 days in all, her face remained unwashed and she stayed within her apartment, drinking only 1 cup of broth each day, praying, looking out the window, walking through her rooms, back and forth, conscious of the stiffness of the dried wounds on her face, looking in the mirror at the scabs and gently touching them with the tips of her fingers. Then at the end of the third day she would wash her face and eat a meal and go to the store and buy the few things she needed, smiling at the people, asking the clerk how he was and telling him to keep well and take care.

  But winter was over and now she could sit on a bench and feel the sun, watch the birds, the children playing, and perhaps someone would sit and talk with her.

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  Vinnie and Mary would still be unmarried if they hadnt met. But they finally did, when he was 40 and she was 35, and were married and both families were joyous. As soon as they were alone the first night Vinnie dragged Mary to bed and pounced on her, shaking the bed, the chest of drawers, the picture of the Blessed Mother over the bed, until her stomach was so sore she couldnt move, but could only lie on her back groaning and SCBEAMING AT HIM TO STOP. But Vinnie continued to bangaway, slobbering at the mouth and YELLING THAT SHE WAS HIS WIFE AND THEY CONTINUED TO BOUNCE ON THE BED (the Blessed Mother shaking) BANGING, BANGING, BANGING AND YELLING. 5 years later they had two kids and were still yelling. The kids had been sitting up in the crib yelling for half an hour before Vinnie and Mary got up. Mary rolled to the side of the bed and YELLED TO THE KIDS TO SHATUUUUUP! WHATS THEMATTA? VINNIE SLAPPED HER BACK AND TOLD HER TA FIX A BOTTLE AND STOP YELLIN, then sat on the side of the bed scratching his head. They both got up and stood facing each other, scratching, THE KIDS STILL YELLING. GO ON. FIX THE BOTTLE. IYAM. IYAM. WHATS THE MATTA YOU GOTTA YELL? WHATTAYAMEAN YELL? FIX THE BOTTLE. AW SHATUP. Mary stepped into her slippers and slopped out to the kitchen and fixed the bottle, standing over the stove waiting for it to heat, scratching her belly and armpits. She went back to the bedroom to get dressed after giving the baby the bottle, but when she took her nightgown off Vinnie came over and slapped her tits back and forth. DEY HANG TA YAKNEES. She pushed him away. GOWAY STUPID. He reached down and pulled her pubic hair, WHATTA BUSH. She shoved him away, YA CRAZY. YA NO GOOD, and grabbed her clothes and went to the bathroom to dress, closing and locking the door. Vinnie dressed and went to see the kids. He looked down at them and smiled and pinched their cheeks. YA DRINK THE BOTTLE, EH? THATS GOOD. They blinked, the baby continuing to suck on the nipple of his bottle. THATS A GOOD KIDS, pinching them again before leaving the room. HEY, HURRYUP, EH? I GOTTA GO THE BATHROOM. WHATTZAMATTA, YAIN A HURRY? SHADUP AND HURRY, YEAH? Vinnie paced up and down, going out to the kitchen, back to the kids room, then pounded on the bathroom door. COMEON, COMEON. HURRYUP, YEAH? WHATS YAHURRY? WAIT, slowly putting her clothes on then slowly filling the sink with water. Vinnie banged with both fists on the door. FA KRISTS SAKE OPEN THE DOOR. I GOTTA PISS. GAWAY. WHY DONTYA DRESS IN THE BEDROOM? CAUSE YA BODDA ME. GOWAY, YEAH? Vinnie punched and kicked the door. YA DIRTY BITCH. He turned from the door and started pacing again, holding his crotch, walking faster and faster, jumping up and down. I CANT WAIT. OPEN THE DOOR. GO WAY. He punched the door again. I/LL KILLYA WHEN YA COME OUT, turning once more from the door and going to the bedroom. He opened the window and urinated, the stream hitting the open window of the bedroom below, splashing off the open window and onto the baby in the crib. Mrs. Jones stared for a moment, then called her husband and told him about the water coming from upstairs and splashing on the baby. I/ll go see about it. It must be those crazy ones upstairs. Nobody elsed do that. He marched out of the apartment and up the stairs. Mary finally opened the door and walked slowly from the bathroom. IM FINISHED. GO ON. I TOUGHT YA WAS IN A HURRY. GO AHEAD, PISS. Vinnie slapped her on the head. WHATZAMATTA, YA CRAZY BITCH. YA STUPID A SOMETHIN? EH? She slapped him back. WHO YA TINK YA HITTIN YA MOUNTIN WOP. He swung and missed and SCREAMED AT HER and Mr. Jones pounded on the door and Mary YELLED TO VINNIE TA SHADUUUUUUP and she opened the door and Mr. Jones wanted to know what was the idea of pouring water out the window, it went al
l over his baby, and Mary shrugged her shoulders and said WHAAAA? WHA WATTA? WHA YA TALKIN ABOUT? and Mr. Jones said you know what Im talking about, and the baby finished his bottle and threw it out of the crib and both kids started yellin again and MARY YELLED TO VINNIE TA SHAD THE KIDS UP AND VINNIE YELLED HE WAS GETTIN DRESSED, and Mary turned back to Mr. Jones when he tapped her on the shoulder and said, well? and she said WHAAA? AND YELLED AT THE KIDS TA SHADUUUUUP and Vinnie went to the kids room, WHATZAMATTA? WHY YA CRY, EH? and picked the kids up and Mary told Mr. Jones SHE DIDNT KNOW NOTHIN ABOUT NO WATTA OUT THE WINDOW and he threw his arms up in the air and Mary turned and told the kids JUST A MINUTE, YEAH? and Mr. Jones said dont let it happen again or hed get the cops and Mary shrugged and let the door close and the kids still YELLED AND VINNIE TOLD THEM TO BE QUIET. MARY, TAKE CAREA THE KIDS, YEAH? and she changed them and Vinnie went to the bathroom to wash and YELLED OUT TO MARY TA FIX BREAKFAST AND SHE SAID TA HOLD HIS WATTA and she finished with the kids and they ran back to their room to get some toys and Vinnie splashed water on his face and Mary SLAMMED THE COFFEE POT ON THE STOVE AND VINNIE CAME OUT AND POURED HIMSELF A GLASS OF JUICE AND SHE SAID HOW ABOUT ME? AND HE TOLD HER TA POUR HER OWN JUICE AND SHE SAID TA FIX HIS OWN BREAKFAST AND HE SLAPPED HER HEAD AND SHE KICKED HIS LEG AND HE KICKED HER BACK AND TOLD HER TA FIX BREAKFAST AND GET THE KIDS READY SO THEY COULD GET SOME FRESH AIR AND SHE SAID PISS ONYA AND BANGED A FRYING PAN ON THE STOVE AND FRIED TWO EGGS FOR HERSELF AND WHEN SHE FINISHED HE FRIED HIS AND TOLD HER SHE BETTA FEED THE KIDS OR HED THROWER OUT THE WINDDA AND SHE SAID DONT WORRY ABOUT IT, YEAH? AND HE DUMPED HIS EGGS ONTO A PLATE AND BANGED THE PLATE ON THE TABLE AND BOTH KIDS WANTED THE SAME TOY AND THEY TUGGED AT IT AND THEY SCREAMED AT EACH OTHER AND CRIED AND MARY SAID SHADUUUUP AND VINNIE TOLD HER TASEE WHAT WAS WRONG AND SLURRPED AN EGG INTO HIS MOUTH AND MARY WENT INTO THEIR ROOM AND TOOK THE TOY AWAY FROM THEM AND TOLD THEM TA GO OUTSIDE AND SHE FIXED THEM BREAKFAST AND VINNIE SAT IN THE LIVING ROOM YELLING OUT TO MARY AND MARY YELLED BACK AND EVERY NOW AND THEN THE KIDS WOULD YELL AND THE BOTH OF THEM WOULD YELL AT THE KIDS AND THE KIDS WOULD YELL LOUDER AND VINNIE AND MARY WOULD SCREAM AND FINALLY BREAKFAST WAS FINISHED AND EVERYONE CONTINUED TO YELL AS THE KIDS RAN TO THEIR ROOM AND MARY STARTED WASHING THE DISHES AND THE NEIGHBORS TURNED UP THEIR RADIOS.

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  PROJECT NEWSLETTER

  AIRMAIL

  Throwing garbage out of windows is referred to as AIRMAIL. We do not want any AIRMAIL from this Project. There have been many complaints lately of garbage on the street, in the halls, and even a few cases of people being hit with garbage being thrown from windows. AIRMAIL is a violation of the

  Health Code and a violation of the Housing Authority Regulations. Any tenant found guilty of throwing garbage from there windows will be immediately evicted. We want this Project to be a safe and clean place to live. It is up to you to keep it this way.

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  Lucy got out of bed slowly and went to the childrens room, changed and dressed Robert, her youngest son, took him out of the crib, then dressed Johnny. She told them to play quietly (she certainly wasnt going to allow her children to run around like indians ), Daddys sleeping, and went to the kitchen to fix breakfast. She filled 3 glasses with juice and softly called the children. They came running out and she hushed them and told them to be quiet, nice little boys dont run around the house making a lot of noise. They drank their juice and went back to their room to play. A few minutes later they were yelling BANG, BANG and Lucy ran to their room and told them to hush. But we/re playing guns Mommy. Johnny, how many times have I told you that nice young boys dont play guns in the house. I dont know Mommy. Lucy looked at him for a second. Well, never mind, just be quiet. OK. Then see that you do, and Lucy went back to the kitchen, listening for noise from the childrens room, relieved that the children were quiet and not acting like a bunch of roughnecks. She was just about to call them when someone knocked on the door. She adjusted her bathrobe, smoothed down her hair then opened the door. The nice young white girl from downstairs smiled at her. I think there may be something wrong in your bathroom Lucy. Water is leaking down through my ceiling. Lucy OOOOO/d and rushed to the bathroom. She opened the door and the children spun around, Johnny frantically trying to turn off the faucets. She glared at them, the water on the floor—Robert starting to whine and Johnny still turning the faucets and saying Im sorry—the water still pouring over the sides of the basin. She reached over and slapped Johnnys hands off the faucets and turned off the water. Johnny started to cry and she opened her mouth to scold him when she remembered the girl was still at the door. She rushed back to the door and told her she was terribly sorry, the kids were playing and she hoped no damage had been done. Im really awfully sorry about this Jean. No, its alright. No harm done. They smiled at each other and the girl left. Lucy almost slamned the door, but caught it in time and closed it quietly not wanting the girl to think she was angry with her. She leaned against the door mortified. Of all the people in the Project it had to be that nice white girl. Such a nice quiet family and now she probably thinks we/re just like the rest. She rushed back to the bathroom. Johnny was still standing by the sink staring at the doorway, but Robert had left and gone to their room leaving wet foot prints. Lucy grabbed Johnny by the arm and dragged him from the bathroom. O youre going to get it. Dont you know better than to do a thing like that, DONT YOU? slapping him on the backside, still dragging him to his room. Johnny crying and yelling Im sorry Mommy. Youre sorry. YOURE SORRY, slapping him again and pushing him onto his bed. Johnny continued crying and pleading—Robert standing in the corner afraid he too would be spanked—and Lucy yelling at Johnny that he would be punished for this . . . then she realized she was yelling and perhaps the people downstairs could hear her, or others may have heard her ... she listened for a moment and then quickly closed the door, telling Johnny to be quiet. Her teeth were clenched and she snarled at him. If youve wakened your daddy youll be sorry, shaking with anger and frustration, exasperated by what had happened and with the fear that someone had heard her yelling. She listened to hear if Louis had awakened, but no sound came from the bedroom. She turned back to Johnny, who was trying to stop crying (we didnt make any noise in the bathroom), but tears still rolled down his cheeks and his breath was caught with sobs. Robert started whimpering and Lucy told him to hush, her voice quieter and more controlled. Johnny could see that the worst was over, so he started to control his sobbing, still looking pleadingly at his mother. I-I-Im su-su-sorry Mom-Mommy. Just be quiet and calm down and-THE OATMEAL! She rushed to the kitchen and snatched the pot off the stove. O thank goodness its not ruined. She put the oatmeal on the childrens plates and called them. They sat quietly at the table and started eating. Lucy went back to her now cold cup of coffee. She poured another cup and sat at the table with the children. She could hear Vinnie and Mary screaming at each other. Lucy shook her head and cursed the Project. She finished her coffee then remembered the water on the bathroom floor and grabbed the mop from the closet and rushed to the bathroom and mopped the floor, just waiting for Johnny to make a sound and she would give it to him good. She wrung out the mop, put it away and sat back at the table. Johnny had finished his cereal and sat quietly looking at his Mother as she fed Robert then cleared the table. She told the children to go to their room and play quietly then went to the bedroom and dressed. After dressing she got the clothes ready for the laundromat. She washed, then brushed her hair, put the laundry in the laundry cart and hustled the children from the apartment. She hurried to the elevator, opened the door and was about to step in when she noticed a pile ( actually noticing the smell first) of human shit on the elevator floor. Again! She stopped and grabbed Robert as he was about to step in it, then quickly turned away before someone saw her there. Picking up Robert she started down the stairs ( O God, now I/ll have to walk up two flights of stairs with the cart). Lucy flushed with embarrassment, wanting to get as far away from the ele
vator as possible before someone else opened the door, Johnny yelling at his Mother to wait for him. Lucy waited for Johnny at the door (already convincing herself that a spick had done it) then rushed from the building, Johnny running to keep up.

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  Abraham got up late. He stayed in bed as long as he could, but the noise the 5 kids made was too much for him. Even the closed door didnt help so he got up. He sat on the side of the bed and carefully took the hairnet off his konked and marcelled hair, lit a cigarette and started thinking about the fine, I mean real fine brownskinned gal that was in MELS last night. Her skin was light and real smooth and her hair was long and wavy. Not all tight and stiff, but smooth man, and long. Yeah . . . And she had on this real tight dress and when she walked her big ol ass just quivered and shook like crazy and when she danced the slop you could see the muscles of that fine ass just rollin all ovuh. Yeah . . . that was some fine stuff. Man, he shuh would like to bag that bitch and really lay it oner. Sheeeit ... Id fuck the ass right offen that bitch man, I mean right off. Man, when I finish screwin that ol broad she/d know she/d been laid and she/d damn sure know who tu call daddyo. Ghud-damn . . . I/ll put on some fine rags tunight and make all those cats look like bums man. I mean this stud is gonna be the sharpest motherfucka that chick ever seed. Sheeit. This is ol Abe. Ol honest Abe Washington, hehhehheh . . . and aint nobody, man I mean nobody caint put no shit ovuh on me. This cats hip man, and when I lay it on that chick I mean shes gonna knowit . . . Yeah . . . He stood up and stretched, put out his cigarette and dressed. He opened the bedroom door and yelled to the kids tu shut up as he walked to the bathroom. They quieted for a moment then continued running, yelling and shooting. Abe worked the soap up to a lather then worked the lather thoroughly into his face, rinsing first with warm water then cold. He patted his face dry with the towel then inspected his face in the mirror, going over every square centimeter very carefully, pushing his nose first to one side then the other, stretching the skin of his neck. After 5 minutes he was happy to find only one pimple. This he carefully squeezed then wet the corner of the towel with cold water and patted the infected area. He brushed his teeth which were naturally white, but he had to be certain he got off the yellow smoking stains. Then he gargled. Next he rubbed skin cream into his face—leaning out of the door to yell at the Ghuddamn kids tu shut up-then inspected his face once more. He was satisfied. He rubbed some hair grease between the palms of his hands then patted it on his hair. Then he picked up the comb and gently, tentatively at first, combed his hair, laying down the comb from time to time and using the soft brush, pushing each wave in place, touching here and there, working up this wave a litde more than the other, being careful a hair wasnt sticking up or out of place—why dont chuall shutup— stepping back from the mirror to admire the way his hair sparkled, adjusting a wave a little more, then picking up the small hand mirror and turning his back to the large mirror over the sink and holding the small mirror in front of him he inspected the back of his head, pushing a litde here and there, then, smiling and thinking of her fine ass, wiped his hands off on the towel and went out to the kitchen. He told his wife to fix him some eggs and sat down and cleaned his nails, scrapping the funk off on the edge of the table. He filed away at his nails and asked his wife why she didnt get the kids dressed and send them out. They make too ghuddamn much noise runnin all ovuh. She told him she was too busy to fret about the kids. The kids had stopped for a moment again, but started running and shooting and one stepped on Abes foot and he yelled and swung his arm. The kid darted away, but knocked into his mother as she was taking the eggs from the refrigerator. She put the eggs down and yelled that she was gonna get a strap toem and then maybe theyd stop runnin around like crazy mens. The kid started whimpering that he was sorry and she took the strap from around her waist and waved it at him and he cringed and backed away until his mother relented, then he sat quietly and his sister, the oldest, scolded him for being naughty and he wanted to kick her like he usually did, but was afraid. Hed wait until they got outside. Abe wanted to know what was holdin up his eggs, he had some things to do today. She brought the eggs and he ate, Nancy telling him about how the doctor at the clinic say the kids got the maltrition and they giver some codliveroil, but he say they should have some vitamins and Abe dipped his bread in the yoke and caught the yoke with his tongue as it dribbled from the bread and tolder not tu wurry him about no vitamins and she say she need some money forem and he tolder he giver 20 dollars every week and she can get the vitamins with that. But ah caint. He shrugged and tolder to givem more collard greens and he slopped up the stringy uncooked white of the egg with his bread and tolder to givem his coffee and she poured it and said Ghuddamnit, I need some more money and he said sheeit, he worked his ass off on the docks fur his money and he be Ghudamned if hed let her throw it away, and the kids still sat in silence waiting for the father to go so they could be dressed and get out where it was safe, and Nancy cursed Abes black ass and he tolder tu shut up those blubber lips and he counted out 20 dollars and threw it on the table and said she was lucky to have all that, that he had a whole mess a bills tu pay and all she had tu do was buy food and Ghudamnit if yu caint buy enough with that and the Ghuddamn vitamins then shame onyu. She snatched the money off the table and yelled at the kids to get dressed and get the hell out and the two older boys scampered to their room, the daughter saying, yes Mommy and walking; and Abe gulped down his coffee and left the kitchen. He put on a jacket, inspected his face and hair once more, adjusting the frontmost wave, then left the house.