Sick & Tragic Bastard Son

by Rowan Massey

  “Goooal!” Liam shouted, arms held in fists over his head. “I made a goal!”

  “Well, you’re by yourself, stupid. That’s why you made a goal.”

  I ran over and stole the ball, making a goal of my own between the two thin trees we always used for goalposts, but my sense of sibling rivalry wasn’t strong enough to make me want to play with him any more than that.

  I wandered to the edge of the trees at the back of the large yard to hang out in the shady areas. Kicking around in the underbrush, I found a good stick and walked along just inside the woods, whacking at everything in sight. Bushes, trees, piles of leaves, other sticks—they all received lazy strikes. There was a shed at the far corner of the property, and I headed in that direction.

  I quickly lost myself in thought. The divorce had shattered my world into pieces. I’d once thought that my parents’ love for me was enough to make everyone happy. Discovering exactly how far love could get you in life had been an unbelievably harsh lesson. But at that point, there was still a comforting order to the world. Love wasn’t enough, and it was harder to trust, but I still thought basic kindness was universal.

  A strange, muffled sound reached me, and I froze to listen closely. It reminded me of the high-pitched sounds bugs could make, but not like any bug I’d heard before. There it was again, and it was coming from the shed. There was more than one of whatever it was. I approached, holding my stick over my head just in case I needed to defend myself from a giant insect. After making a circle around the little building, I was still confused. Maybe it was inside.

  It was a yellow aluminum shed with a padlocked sliding door. It was a little dilapidated, but there was a lot of cool stuff inside, which was why it was locked up. A small stack of chopped wood sat against the right side. It seemed like that was where the noise was coming from. I inched closer and poked my stick into a large space between the stack and the wall. There was a hole going up under the floor, which was raised off the ground.

  A skinny cat shot out from the space, causing me to jump and yelp. It hissed and raised its back, angling at me. I hurried away, and it chased me for a few paces, but didn’t attack. It stayed near the shed.

  There were kittens, I realized. I could still hear them. I smiled. It would be nice if I could get past her and play with them. Liam would flip out though, and I’d have to keep his clumsy hands away from them. I hated sharing with him all the time.

  I circled in a wide arc around the mother cat. She kept up the show until I backed up far enough for her to relax, then she darted up the little stack of wood and sat there watching me. She was so thin. She had to be starving. If I brought food twice a day, she would get used to me quickly. By the end of the summer, I’d be best friends with the whole cat family, and maybe we could take one home with us.

  Turning my back to her, I gazed towards the house where Liam tirelessly kicked his ball around. He stopped and looked back at me expectantly. Not wanting him to come over near the cats, I started off to rejoin him, and he went back to kicking with renewed excitement, thinking I would play with him.

  I had to keep the kittens a secret. Liam would go at them with zero finesse and ruin everything. Although I liked visiting my grandparents, it was getting more boring every year, and my discovery was the only thing I could imagine being interesting in in the coming weeks, besides the Fourth of July, which was in three days.

  Before I reached Liam, the back door opened, and my mom called to us to come inside. I was suddenly starving at the thought of the feast in the kitchen and ran through the door next to my brother. We jostled each other all the way to the table, but were redirected to the sink, where we competed to finish washing our hands first. Both of us stank and radiated heat, even from the small amount of time we’d been outside. At each of our places at the table, we were given huge glasses of iced tea. I drank mine down, sucking it through the ice, until my stomach was almost too full for food. I reached for a cob of corn, but my fingers got lightly smacked.

  “Don’t you dare,” Grandma said playfully, and Grandpa cleared his throat.

  “Thank you, Lord, for this food we are about to receive,” he said in a rumbling tone, “and for those who prepared it…”

  Liam always clenched his hands tightly during prayer and squeezed his eyes shut so hard that the effort seemed to pull his head back. As for me, I couldn’t stand shutting my eyes around other people. I was sure they were all peeking just to see if I was peeking too, and I always wanted to be the one with my eyes open first. I loosely laced my fingers together and rested my chin on my knuckles. I prayed that the kittens wouldn’t starve to death if I fed their mother, and that I could sneak enough food. In case someone found out, I prayed I could keep at least one.

  Grandpa got to the amen. Finally we could eat. I took one of everything except the peas. It was way too much food for one kid, but I didn’t care. The drive had been long and we were all hungry as hell.

  “Most of them should have been drowned when they were puppies,” Grandma was saying. “It just makes them suffer more when you won’t do the right thing and put them down. Whole pack of dogs running around because somebody thought they were cute when they were little.”

  “They wouldn’t go after the boys, would they?” Mom asked, but didn’t seem very concerned.

  “No, no. Wild dogs are usually wary of people. They’re not pets.” Grandpa’s voice got a little loud, but he caught himself again and gave us a little smile. “But they’re attacking livestock, barking all night long…I’ve had it. Hell, if they want to catch the darn things and take care of it, great, but nobody is taking care of it besides me. Maybe you boys want to do a little huntin’ while you’re here, hmm?”

  Mom gave him a stern shake of the head. He was talking about actually hunting the dogs. Did people really do that?

  I ducked my head, afraid to ask questions, and focused on my meal.

  By late afternoon, we’d waved goodbye on the porch. It was family tradition to give each other big, exaggerated waves with both arms, jumping up and down and yelling goodbyes and I love you’s much louder than necessary. Liam usually cried a little when our parents left us anywhere, but he ran down the porch and around the side of the house as soon as the van disappeared behind a patch of trees, going out of sight.

  I already wanted to be back inside where it was air conditioned, but Grandpa caught the back of my collar in his large hand.

  “Can’t sit around the house without even a TV. Go play with your brother,” he said.

  “But it’s hot,” I whined, which only made him more determined.

  “G’won now.” He smiled, patted my shoulder, and ditched me on the porch. Grandma had already gone in.

  I sighed noisily and slouched into the heaviness of my body and the weakness that the heat was giving me. Walking with heavy feet, I left the porch and wandered around the side of the house. Thinking of stealing food for the cat, I stopped at the kitchen window and jumped up and down a little to see in. Grandma was there at the sink, probably washing pots. She smiled and waved at me, and I waved back. She seemed to spend her life in the kitchen. I didn’t know when I’d be able to sneak something out.

  Liam was playing soccer again when I arrived in the backyard. He kicked the ball towards me, but I ignored it, letting it roll past.

  “You’re boring!” he accused, but I didn’t stop to defend myself. I wanted to go see if I could actually lay eyes on my kittens. And they were absolutely my kittens in my mind. I was responsible for them. I jogged towards the shed despite the oppressive heat on my skin. It burned through my T-shirt, and I broke out in a heavy sweat.

  The side of the shed was hot to the touch when I leaned on it for support. I bent over and cautiously peeked into the gap where the cat had shot out at me last time. They kept up their mewing, and I knew they were right underneath the shed, not two feet from my face. Looking around, I didn’t see the mother cat anywhere, but I knew she would be back soon enough.

  I
grabbed a piece of split wood from the top of the small stack and moved it to the other end. Looking over my shoulder to make sure Liam wasn’t taking an interest and no one was looking out the windows to check on us, I moved each piece until the way was clear. Getting on all fours, I put my head to the ground and looked in.

  They were much smaller than I’d expected. My eyes were adjusted to the sun, making it hard to see into the shadows, but I could tell all three of them were exactly the same. Their dirty, orange fur stood out in their gray environment. I got closer and saw that not one of them had open eyes, and a few had crusty eyelids. Their mouths opened and closed in repetitive, whiny meows. One got up on its legs so shakily that I was sure it was somehow sick. It could barely pull itself a few inches across the dirt.

  I reached in slowly, palm to the ground. “Hey, guys,” I said softly. “What’s up?”

  My fingers brushed the face of the one that was crawling. Not wanted to scare them, I turned my hand and slowly scooped it up just enough to move it out from under the shed. It was awkward trying to get into a sitting position without putting it back down, but I managed. I held it against my chest. Its tiny skeleton could be felt through its thin skin. Its claws were too soft to prick me. Was it alright? I had no idea, but I knew I loved it. I loved all of them.

  Glancing over my shoulder, I saw that although Liam was still kicking his ball around, he’d kicked it in my direction and was looking at me with curiosity. The kittens were screwed if he got his hands on them. He would squeeze them to death or something. I didn’t want to share in any case. If Grandma and Grandpa found out…

  I quickly put the kitten back and ran to meet Liam in the middle of the yard.

  “Don’t go over there or you’ll get in big trouble,” I said spontaneously when he came near. I stole the ball and kicked it back in the direction of the house.

  “Why? He stopped and squinted at the shed.

  “Trust me. C’mon, I’ll play with you.”

  That got his attention. His face lit up with a grin. “I’m better than you now!” he shouted. “I’ve been practicing more than you!” The game was on.

  Several minutes later, I was beating him, of course, and he picked the ball up and threw it at my head, which I dodged easily.

  “Sore loser!” I taunted. His little face pinched into an angry growl.

  “I’m gonna get big and beat you all the time, stupid!” He stomped past me and headed into the house.

  Looking back towards the shed, movement caught my eye. It was too far to tell for sure, but I thought one of them had escaped the shelter. Looking towards the house, I hoped Liam was just sulking, not complaining to Grandma or Grandpa. I could take the chance of an adult coming out to find me with a kitten, or trust the mother cat to come back and care of her litter. Worried, but unwilling to take the chance, I followed Liam inside. The cool air washed over my skin when I opened the door. I made sure the door closed quietly behind me. Tip-toing, I went to the living room and saw my little brother sulking on the sofa, kicking his legs up and down in agitation. No grandparents were in sight. It was an opportunity.

  I hurried to the kitchen and went into the large pantry. They loved to eat tuna and crackers as a lazy lunch. There was a stack of five large cans, and I took two of them. They were too large to stash in my pockets. I rummaged around for a grocery bag and found one, but the rustling noise was too much. I wanted to be quiet. One in each hand, I snuck back into the hallway just as I heard a floor board creak upstairs on the landing. A chill of fear down my spine, I sprinted to the back door and hurried out, closing the door behind me as quietly as I could with two cans to carry, which wasn’t quiet at all. I just had to hope they wouldn’t think anything of it. But still, I was always well-behaved and doing something they wouldn’t like was putting the fear in me.

  I ran across the yard as fast as I could and skidded to a halt when I reached the shed. Panting a little in the hot air, I got on all fours again to check on them. There were only two. Where was the third one? Anxiously, I looked around. What if a hawk had eaten it? My stomach turned. But no, I could hear it. I got up and rounded the corner of the shed. It was on the ground, shakily making its way away from home.

  “Aw, poor thing.” I knelt and picked it up gently. Examining it against my chest, I resolved not to let anything happen to them. I absolutely had to hide them right away. Nobody could find them. But what about the mother cat? She had to know where they were in order to feed them. Quickly making a mental plan, I took the kitten back near the others and put it down. I opened one of the cans by the pull tab and took out just one pinch of smelly tuna, placing it on the ground right by the kittens. Next, I took up the end of my T-shirt and put the kitten in the pouch. Gently picking up the other two, I held them all precariously by holding onto the shirt with one hand, taking the can with me in the other. The second can I kicked under the shed to be retrieved the next day. My skin was damp with sweat, and the air against my belly added to the sense of exposure. I looked to the house and no one came out to ask me what I was up to.

  I hurried to the edge of the trees and kept going. We’d explored the woods many times, sometimes with friends or cousins, sometimes with Grandpa, but it was always a wild, scratchy experience that I had to force myself past at first. You never knew what bugs and snakes would show up. The underbrush was thin enough to walk mostly freely, but thick enough to make twiggy bushes and leafy branches unavoidable. I had to make my way around large fallen branches. Now and then, my feet sank into a dense spot of squishy leaves, making me feel unsteady. After the first ten minutes of it, I was able to let go and revel in it. It was cooler under the trees, and I enjoyed that little bit of physical comfort.

  Every four trees I passed, I squatted down to put the can on the ground, pinch out some tuna, and leave it for the mother to follow. I didn’t even know where I would leave the babies. It had to be under some kind of shelter; somewhere they couldn’t wander out of.

  The ruckus of someone crashing clumsily through the forest spun me around.

  Liam.

  He was making his way towards me, panting. He must have seen me enter the woods and run to join me. His short legs pumped up and down dramatically as he walked over the obstacles.

  “Go back, Liam. Now.” I said sternly. He wasn’t going to do as I said, but I had to try.

  “What are you doing? Can I come? What is that?”

  I sighed in resignation. Instead of answering, I let him get close enough to see the kittens. His mouth fell open in surprise.

  “Oooh! You’re in big trouble!” he said.

  “Only if you tell on me like a baby,” I retorted. I huffed and looked around as if for answers. There was no way I could let Liam find out where I was putting them. He was too little to keep a secret. I knelt down where I was and put the can down to cradle the noisy little things. I was already thinking of names. Spider, Bug, and Ladybug, because I thought at least one of them would have the misfortune of being a girl. I didn’t know how to check, so I figured it was better to be safe than sorry. It wasn’t as if I could tell them apart.

  Liam knelt next to me and immediately tried to grab one.

  “No!” I slapped his hand away and shoved him in the chest, which he ignored.

  “One is mine,” he said with certainty. “I get that one.” He pointed at one randomly and his little finger nearly poked it in the eye. That was it. I had to ditch him. Sitting there staring at him, fuming and afraid of how much he could ruin things, I knew what I was going to do.

  First, I carefully reached over my shoulder and pulled my T-shirt over my head. Keeping them nestled in the fabric, I placed them on the ground. Liam tried to grab one again, and this time I shoved him over with a strong push as I stood to my feet. He fell on his butt and started up his fake cry, but his eyes widened and he got quiet as I took off my belt. Seeing how scared he was gave me a sense of control over the situation, but the power was swirled with fear over what I was about to do. I was abo
ut to be in a lot of trouble, but I didn’t see any other way.

  I grabbed for him and he bolted. It took me only a few quick strides to catch him by the collar and send him falling backward and onto the ground with a choking sound. Taking him firmly by the arm, I dragged him kicking and screaming to the nearest thin tree. He was always stronger and harder to keep hold of than I expected in our physical fights, as if he was growing faster than me, destined to outgrow and dominate me. It made me more determined to keep him under control. Forcing him to stand up, I crushed his body against the tree trunk with the weight of my body while I used the leather belt to tie him to it, putting it under his armpits. Once he understood what I was up to, he stopped struggling. He seemed more intrigued than scared or angry. I looped the belt through its buckle, but he immediately reached it with one hand, so I loosened it again, then buckled it behind him so that there was no way to reach. It fit snugly when I yanked it tight and fastened the buckle. His breath puffed out. He put a hand on his chest and struggled a little, but with curiosity, not urgency.

  “It’s too tight,” he complained. “It hurts. Take it off.”