Sick & Tragic Bastard Son

by Rowan Massey

  We’d worked hard all the way into the evening and done more talking, so I was tired. It was hard to stay awake until he was softly snoring. A few times, I started nodding off, but I brought myself back.

  I’d told him about the chains but assured him I hadn’t needed that in a while. I’d left them at Mom’s. He’d started crying again when I told him why I couldn’t read. Trying hard to keep him from making a big deal of it in his head, I took out my phone and focused hard so that I could read out some headlines. The lights were helping with words and images so it wasn’t that much of an effort. He was still upset and kept touching my face while we cuddled and talked. I’d rubbed his back for a while and it seemed to calm him down. The whole thing was making my chest twisted up and painful.

  Moving as slowly and quietly as possible, I got out of bed and grabbed my sneakers. Remmy lifted his head for a second but he was just as tired as we were and he didn’t move from Clay’s side. Instead of trying to go through my duffle bag in the dark, I took my fully charged phone and the bag with me so I could dress downstairs. Sneaking around was a thrill. All my senses were on alert. Burning Clay’s tree was the most important thing I’d ever done in my life. Everything had to be perfect.

  The steps were creaky but I walked close to the wall to minimize the noise. Two steps down, I remembered the keys. He’d left them and his wallet on the bathroom counter. I backtracked and grabbed them.

  I was afraid to turn the phone’s flashlight on until I was outside. It was too bad I had to use my phone as a flashlight because I knew the battery would drain fast. I used it for two seconds at a time to get dressed in jeans and a plaid shirt. We had put most of our supplies in the kitchen and I’d seen a lighter in with the silverware and coffee mugs. There was a fire place in the dining room and he wanted to do a romantic dinner with me. I took it and put it in my back pocket.

  The back door was a problem. It was too old and noisy, and would need a bit of force to yank it open. The front door was further from the room Clay was in, even if it wasn’t otherwise much quieter. The windows would be extremely noisy so I didn’t see them as an option.

  There were two house keys but they were attached to all of Clay’s other keys so they made way to much noise. My heart jumped when I slid the key in the lock and the others swung against the door. I listened for a reaction from upstairs, but after a few seconds, I figured I had to leave the house and get things done in any case. It would be better to rush to the tree with him in pursuit than to get caught and never be able to go at all. I got the door open and stepped outside onto the porch. The air was thick and lively with insects. The sky was a little cloudy but I could see part of the moon.

  I made my way around the house, not using the flashlight yet since my eyes had already adjusted and I could see the ground enough to walk. Once I got into the woods, I turned it on but made sure I angled it so that I didn’t have it shining in my face. As narrow as the trail was, it was always easy to detect. It didn’t take long to get to my destination.

  The colorful lights swirled and throbbed against the darkness. My own lights started swimming around my head like they knew what was about to happen. I watched an orange one bend out over my forehead and pull towards the towering tree of brightness in front of me. There was a lovely high tone—a violin—but I didn’t want to get carried away so I pushed the building music to the back of my mind.

  It was hard to hold the phone in front of me and gather wood at the same time. There were plenty of sticks, but I couldn’t carry many under my arm, which meant I had to make a lot of trips back and forth to the tree trunk. As I worked, the lights from my tree kept reaching for Clay’s tree, giving me a strong craving sensation like when you’re outside in the sun all day and then remember water and suddenly thirst is the only thing you can think about.

  Three hours went by. I worked hard, wandering further and further to gather enough wood to satisfied myself. I worked and sweated to drag some larger limbs over and propped them up like I had last time, hoping it would help the fire to spread upward. The tree was even bigger than the one on Gravity Hill so I was worried the fire would fail somehow. I piled leaves and twigs in three spots around the trunk and stood over the whole thing with the lighter and flashlight in my hands, thinking one last time about the whole plan, from the day I found out Clay’s name to the day Lottie found out I was a liar.

  Crazy how unexpected the whole thing was. I hadn’t wanted to do anything but enjoy my time with Clay over the weekend and let the lights heal my tumor. Now, I had a second forest fire to create. Fuck, I was a serial pyromaniac. Unbelievable stuff, even considering my history of doing destructive shit.

  I lit the kindling in front of me and moved to the next. All three caught easily and spread in a matter of seconds. I stood back a distance and turned off my phone’s flashlight. The colorful lights couldn’t illuminate the forest because they existed in a world of their own, but the fire fused with them and lit things up. Everything around me turned sharp. The woods seemed to wake up and take notice. Like before, the smoke started making me cough right away. I kept taking another step back, thinking it would be enough distance, then taking another, and another, until one of the larger branches caught fire. The flames along the branch were purple, then green, and in a flash, there was no difference between flames and tree lights. It was all brightness. The music started to get deafening, but I could still hear the snap and crackle of the monstrous fire I’d created.

  The lights were moving fast. I wished they would let go and let me take them home to Clay. As if they were at my command, I held out my arms. A sky blue ribbon floated free and came to me. I knew they all wanted to reunite with the lights already in my brain. I gathered it and didn’t have to wait for more to come right to me. Sometimes they went a little sideways and made me chase them. I laughed, and coughed, and stumbled around in the underbrush, but even the ones that flew away over my head were headed in the direction of the house. Things were definitely going my way. I was having fun and I loved the comforting heat of the fire. The big ball of rainbow colors that I’d snatched out of the air got so big that I had to smoothly move it all upward and balance it on my head. It seemed happy there and I had more than enough to take care of Clay.

  Grin on my face, I headed back down the trail. By the time I needed the flashlight again, I was sensing that the lights from my tree were tying together with the others so that I could go one handed without it all floating away; it was strapped to my brain.

  I hoped Clay would be able to see what I was bringing for him, but I felt sure he would be able to perceive it, even if he hadn’t mentioned any symptoms. He would have to experience the difference the lights would give him, so I wasn’t worried that he wouldn’t believe me.

  Smoke followed me but it wasn’t until I reached the backyard that I turned to look. The lights must have spread to the other trees right after I walked away. I could see a mild, rainbowed glow. It wasn’t the fire spreading, it was the colors. They had multiplied and all of it was slowly tracking me. Awe and throbbing, musical sound flooded over me. The lights must have been incredibly intelligent to know about Clay and the goal of uniting us. I could imagine the lights coming together to surround us forever after.

  With Clay’s keys, I tried to unlock the back door but I kept fumbling it. I couldn’t hold the phone, keys, and ball of lights all at the same time, and it was dark. Remmy was barking inside.

  “Who’s there?” Clay shouted.

  “It’s me!”

  The hall light went on and the door unlocked from the other side. He stood in the doorway looking at me with confusion, then his eyes widened when he saw the distant glow behind me. I was still holding the ball over my head with one arm but it was unwinding. One of the lights worked itself loose and pierced through Clay’s eye sockets. Afraid it would scare him, I dropped the keys onto the ground, shoved my phone in my pocket, and quickly took him by the arms, making him startle. The lights were excited to be set free and
whirled up and down our bodies, jumping from my head to his and back again.

  “It’s okay,” I said. “Don’t be scared.”

  He was stock still, hands gripping my waist like a vice, and I couldn’t read his expression because of the brightness of the lights zooming in and around his head. It was blinding.

  “We have to get out of here,” he said, and pulled me inside. Remmy was going insane, jumping and howling.

  “Don’t be scared,” I said again, not letting go of his arm, trying to help him settle down. He needed to let it happen. “They won’t hurt you. I promise. This is going to help. Just watch and see.”

  “What?” Again, I knew he was looking at me but I couldn’t see his expression.

  “You have a tumor too, daddy,” I said kindly. “This is our cure. It’s genetic or something. We both have it, but this makes it so much better.”

  “Zander, baby, you have to listen to me. You aren’t thinking right, okay? I don’t know what you’re talking about, but we can figure it out later. Let’s get our stuff and go. There’s a forest fire and we can’t stay in this house. Alright?”

  My bag was where I’d left it in the hall and he picked it up and pushed it at my chest. I took it but placed it back down on the floor against the wall.

  “That’s not a fire. It’s the lights from your tree. I set them free so that they can move back and forth with mine. We’re connected now. See?”

  I pointed at the lights that had stopped shooting into his eyes and now floated happily back and forth between the tops of our skulls, going through them to our brains as if there was no barrier.

  “Can you see the lights?” I asked, being sure to speak calmly even though he was starting to panic. His eyes were confused and scared, but he was listening. “There’s no forest fire, not really. It’s the lights. I saw them fuse with the flames and now…it’s smoky but it’s not dangerous,” I assured him.

  It was hard to explain and Remmy was barking so loud that I wasn’t sure if Clay could hear me. As soon as I stopped speaking to grasp for more words, he picked up the bag again and made me take it.

  “Go put this in the car and wait for me there. Don’t go off on your own again. I’m not taking no for an answer. There’s no debate. We’re leaving right now.”

  I held onto my bag and zipped it up so nothing would fall out, but I stood there in the hallway while he went into the kitchen to grab things, then followed him.

  “I know you can feel the lights,” I said, wanting him to slow down and understand. “Just stop and look. Can you see them? It’s not fire.”

  “Enough!” he yelled. I’d never seen him more than mildly annoyed. It scared me a little, but also made me more determined. He was freaked out but he had to calm down and understand me. There was no reason to run off because of a little smoke. I put the bag on one of the chairs and sat in the one next to it.

  “We can leave if you still want to after I explain this,” I said firmly.

  He dragged his hands down his face and took a deep breath. I thought he was getting it together but his head turned towards the window and his eyes widened.

  “It’s not fire, I promise. Would I be this calm if that was a forest fire? It’s just the smoke from burning down the tree. The light you can see from here is the same stuff that’s been making my tumor better. Just look. Look right here.” I ran my hands in the air along a ribbon of gold that moved from his body to mine. “Do you see that? I know you can see this if you try.”

  He stared at me with unblinking eyes, not once looking into the space right in front of him or noticing the beautiful things swimming all around us. Moving slowly, he sat in the chair at the end of the table and scooted it close to me until our knees touched. I let him take my hands in his and we both squeezed.

  “Okay, I believe you. It’s not fire. I see it. I’m looking.”

  He wasn’t looking. He was only looking into my eyes. Why wouldn’t he just try instead of lying?

  “But you know what?” he went on. “I still want to leave, baby. I’m sick of this house and I want to go home. Will you come with me?”

  “No.”

  He swore in frustration and glanced out the window again before putting his head in his hands. I hated seeing him like that. My mind searched for a way to get through to him. Recognizing the mode I always went into when I tried to sort out my plan, I let myself think objectively. The night was proving to be unpredictable but I’d been preparing myself to lose everything in any case. We were only a few short hours from morning, which was when I’d expected to be telling him about who I really was. Maybe if I skipped to that, it would get his attention off the smoke and fire business.

  Lifting his head, he suddenly got up and ran upstairs, trailing several mesmerizing ribbons behind him. I could hear the hurried shuffling of him moving around, gathering all his stuff in frantic movements. When he came back down, he was carrying all his things, but he ran to me and grabbed my shoulder.

  “Listen, baby, I’m not mad at you at all, but do you have my keys? Have you seen them?”

  I opened my mouth to answer but realized I had him. The keys were right out the back door where I’d dropped them but he couldn’t drive off in a panic unless I told him where they were. He’d been right in front of me when I’d dropped them but he was too full of adrenaline to remember it.

  “Sit down,” I said, pointing at the chair.

  “Baby, please. Please!” He was losing it. I had to be the calm one.

  “I want to tell you my story,” I told him. I thought that would get his attention, but it didn’t.

  “This isn’t the time. I want to hear it later, okay? Not right now. You always want to put it off anyway, right?”

  I pointed at the chair again. His unblinking eyes shone in the halogen light coming from the hallway. I reached out to comfort him, but he grabbed my arm and roughly pulled me to my feet. Acting on instinct, I yanked free of his grip and stepped backward into a chair. He kept coming at me. We struggled for a confusing moment, each movement lightning fast, until he had my arms behind my back. I was shoved forward towards the door but I twisted away from him and dove for my bag. The momentum left me kneeling on the floor, grabbing for it. He tried to pull me up by my waist but I was unzipping my bag and fishing around in it. That seemed to confuse him enough for him to stop trying to force me out the door.

  My black leather wallet was finally found in the side pocket and I handed it up to him with shaking hands. An ache was in the back of my throat and a sob pushed its way out. I was crying. I didn’t know what I was doing anymore. He would find out my true identity in five seconds and I was scared shitless. The night had turned into chaos. I wanted it to be over with.

  “Open it,” I told him, choking on sobs. “Look at my license. Look at my name.”

  He had the wallet in his hand and he regarded it as if he didn’t know how it ended up there. I told him again and he gazed at me with pain in his face. Maybe he regretted manhandling me. He opened it and took out my license, which was right there on top of the few other cards. I could tell he didn’t expect it to say anything unusual. He thought I was completely insane and it was all part of some delusion I’d gotten myself caught up in.

  But then, in a split second that lasted an excruciatingly long time, he saw his son’s name and his boyfriend’s face combined in a way that should never make any sense. He blinked at it and rubbed his thumb across it as if the words might smudge and prove themselves to be fake. Waiting for him to react, I said nothing. He only put it back in its slot, but as he did so, he saw the fake ID, took it out, then put everything back and handed the wallet to me.

  “Okay,” he said, more calm than he’d been since he’d opened the back door for me, “we’ll talk about that as soon as we get on the road. We can talk all about it. Now let’s go.”

  I was stunned. Had he already known? Where was the meltdown?

  “I’m Lysander,” I said, feeling like I was talking to a crazy person. �
��Don’t you care?”

  “Alright, you’re Lysander. Will you get up and leave with me, Lysander? If you’re my son I need to make sure you’re safe.”

  “I am your son. I am.”

  “Then I really am your daddy, huh?” His expression was frozen in place. He was trying to look normal, but his eyes were bugging out. “We do have a lot to talk about. But we can’t do it here. Daddy doesn’t like it here right now. You have to leave with me.”

  “You don’t believe me.” My voice broke. I was just thinking out loud but I knew it was true as soon as I said it. “But I just showed you proof!”

  He didn’t react but a tear slid down his face.

  “Listen,” I said, getting up from the floor and facing him. “I met Lottie first, before you. I found her online and we met at the skate park. She’s been teaching me to skate ever since.”

  He rocked back as if hit by an invisible force and seemed to shake all over for a second. I kept talking.

  “I told her she should set you up with a dating app and then I got on the app and talked to you. I wanted to…I hated you. I wanted to fuck with your head. Now I know you cared about me. You would have taken care of me if you could have. And I love you. I love you a lot. But now I found these lights that fix me and they taught me to understand what’s real. You have a tumor just like mine, only smaller. I got the lights from our two trees by burning them down and now we’re connected. We’re going to be fine. I really believe that. I have to believe it because…”