Tales of Riverworld

by Philip José Farmer

  There were obstacles to their romance. He was a Gentile, and he drank heavily. Mrs Gold told him that his alcoholism was, however, no big problem for her. Her father hit the bottle more than was good for him.

  Brass said, 'My drinking is no problem for me, either, except when I'm broke.'

  'You sure don't look like a Gentile,' Samantha said, sitting on a chair and looking at him with the huge Loren-type eyes.

  'Madame, I am not a Gentile,' he said. 'I'm a Mormon. You're the Gentile, since all non-Mormons are Gentiles. Actually, I'm a jack Mormon, so, in a sense, you're right. I've fallen from grace, which also happens to be the name of my ex-wife. It's a statistical fact that the rate of alcoholism among Mormons is even lower than among devout Jews. But when a Mormon does drink, he dives deeper into the golden sea of alcohol – to quote Bacchylides – than anyone else, never emerging with the pearl of great price, of course.

  'It's a case of overcompensation, I suppose. But I am a poet. Therefore, it is an aesthetic, and perhaps a theological, obligation for me to drink. I'll thank you to leave me now. I feel a poem coming on.'

  'Robert Graves says that every true poet worships at the feet of the Goddess,' she said. 'Is that what you mean by theological?'

  She looked and felt at that moment like an Athena, although not as slim as she would have liked it, and she knew it. He knew it, too, because he got down on his knees, put his hands on her knees, and looked up at her while he recited an extemporaneous sonnet. She liked the poem, and she loved the feel of his hands on her knees, which had been untouched by male hands for months. But she didn't like the odour of booze, even though it was very expensive booze. However, when she was offered a ham sandwich, she decided she could tolerate Old Turkey.

  Between bites, she said, 'I would've thought you'd go to Haight-Ashbury or West Venice or Mount Shasta. This is a strange place for a practically penniless poet.'

  'This is a strange place for anybody,' he said. He was still glowing with the sparks of his poetry and the comets ejected by his gonads. 'I wanted to go someplace nobody else would think of going to, a really alien place for a poet. So I'm here.'

  His grandfather had left him a small sum which was parcelled out in monthly lumps by lawyers. His grandfather had deplored Brass' fall from grace, but he had admired him because he refused to kiss any man's boots, manured or clean. And Brass was, at least, 'a bum with honour,' and 'a beard with a stiff neck.' This last phrase delighted Brass.

  'Let's not talk of money. Let's talk of love,' he said, getting on his knees again. He looked up past her breasts – like an astronaut staring past the enormous circle of Earth – at the long and lovely Mediterranean face behind the sandwich.

  'Not talk of money?' she said. 'This is Beverly Hills. My husband says that money comes first here and love just naturally tags along. Like a shark follows a boat for garbage.'

  Brass winced. His poetry dealt with beauty.

  Samantha finished that sandwich and looked at the refrigerator. Brass sighed and got to his feet and clumped across the bare floor on his high-heeled boots. While she watched him prepare another sandwich, she told him folk tales of Beverly Hills.

  There was Mrs Miteymaus, who laboured for twenty hours before giving birth to a thousand-dollar bill. The Internal Revenue Service agent, clad in mask, gown, and gloves, assisted the obstetrician and deducted 90 percent before the umbilical cord was clipped: Mrs Miteymaus decided to ship the baby off to an orphanage and claim a deduction for charity. The baby was eventually adopted by a bank and thereafter yielded 8.1 percent interest. News of this reached Mrs Miteymaus through a malicious friend (the adjective was redundant, Samantha admitted), causing Mrs Miteymaus such grief that she swore never again to have sexual intercourse, even with her husband.

  Brass asked her if the tale was true that Beverly Hills was the only city in the world with so many cops they had to be pulled off the streets during rush hours to keep them from hindering the flow of traffic.

  Samantha replied that that folk tale was true.

  Uninhibited by her third sandwich, she told him of her personal life and some of its sorrows. Once, she thought she was losing her husband's love because she was getting too fat. But now that she had slimmed down, relatively speaking, she still was getting no loving from him. Irving was stepping out on her with a shicksa who drank.

  'The world is one fester of hate and betrayal and grief,' he said. 'Even when I used to stand night watch on the lone prairie, with only the horses and me and the moon, the wind brought sounds and smells of hate and betrayal and grief and of a rotting world from hundreds of miles away.

  'I could hear sobbing and screaming and smell gasoline and dead robins. Then I'd put my nose down into my horse's mane and breathe deeply. It was good honest beautiful horse sweat. Few smells are lovelier, I can tell you.'

  Mrs Gold put her ham sandwich aside so it would not interfere and bent over and stuck her nose against his chest. The woollen plaid shirt still radiated faint odours of horse.

  'One more washing in detergents with enzymes, and it'll be gone forever,' he said. 'I'll hate that day.'

  He kissed the back of her neck. She shuddered as if she were a mare into whose flanks spurs had been pressed, and she ate no more of ham that day.

  They continued to meet in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon. But the day came when she could no longer slide out on her back through the dog door. She went to the window after a struggle to free herself and signalled Brass. He was sitting at his window with nothing on but his ten-gallon Stetson. He was polishing his boots and composing a poem to the Bitch Goddess. He was also wondering if he should take an oath of chastity for a week or two. The divine spark was cooling off. The Muse liked her worshippers to be horny, but She did not want them to expend all their fire and seed on lesser beings, in this case, Samantha Gold.

  Neither had a telephone available, so she was restricted to waving at him. She did not call out because her neighbours would then have known what was going on – as if they didn't already know.

  Finally, having found a conjunction of words which would rhyme with 'equine,' he opened his eyes. After some mystification, he understood her. The maid had gone to the grocery store and he could come in because the maid usually forgot to lock the door. He dressed and put food and booze in a sack and went over to her apartment. She explained why she couldn't leave, and after he had quit rolling on the floor and laughing – and smashed the sandwich while doing so – he took the key to her bedroom out of the dresser drawer in Irving's bedroom.

  Her bedroom was as elegantly middle-class as he had expected. The huge framed photograph of a World War I Zeppelin in flight was something he had not expected. Beside it was a photograph of a young man with a handlebar moustache. He wore the uniform of a German naval officer, circa 1918.

  'My father,' Samantha said.

  'Your father was an airship?'

  'You've been drinking again. No, he was a leutnant on a Zeppelin.'

  Brass was intrigued, but he was also impatient to get away before the maid returned. And the consciousness that she was wearing nothing under a thin dress was making him forget his primary fidelity to the Goddess.

  Later, while they were resting in his darkened room, he said, 'All right, I'll meet your father, though I don't know why he'd be glad to know me.'

  'He's a poet, too, in a way,' she said. 'He's a lovely old man even if a little odd. I think he's in love with his dirigibles. That's all he wants to talk about, except when he happens to think about the governor. Then he raves and rants and calls him Abdul von Schicklgruber, the Plutocrats' Pet. I don't pay any attention to politics; if you can't make it big in the movies, try something else, I always say. Anyway, Zeppelins are his love. He dreams of them, builds models of them, reads books on them. And I dream of Zeppelins, too, after I've visited him. Every Sunday night, those big things sail through my dreams.'

  'I dreamed of my horse the other night,' Brass said. 'She's dead now, hit by a truck two
days before I came to Beverly Hills. She had big dark eyes, like yours. Liquid, full of love, and a hunger in them for something I couldn't ever figure out. Mostly, a horse just wants hay and carrots and water and rest and sugar lumps now and then. But when I looked into those eyes, I knew that tiny brain behind them had its dreams, too. Or maybe they were mirrors for my dreams.'

  She sat up and said, 'Your horse's eyes remind you of mine?'

  'That's a compliment,' he said. He did not dare tell her the rest of the dream. 'When I woke I thought I smelled her sweat, but it wasn't hers.'

  'Mine?' she said, and she went to the refrigerator.

  'You better lay off,' he said, 'or you won't be able to get back through the front door, let alone the dog door.'

  She was bending over. He could visualise the beautiful dark tail of the mare swishing back and forth.

  Sunday, she told Brass that she had convinced Irving that he had forgotten to lock the bedroom door. She had had to lie because the maid had told him that his wife had left the bedroom. Usually, Irving accompanied her on Sundays on her visits to her father. He did so not because he liked her father or her company but because he wanted to make sure she ate nothing forbidden. But today he had had to attend to business that had suddenly come up.

  'Some business, that shicksa he's seeing,' she said. 'But I'm getting my revenge.'

  She walked out. A few minutes later, Brass followed. He met her on the porch of her father's house in the most depressed area of Beverly Hills. The house cost a mere $50,000 and would have brought $12,000 in Peoria, Illinois, after effective heating had been installed.

  They found Mr Goldbeater in the backyard working on a model of his last ship, which had gone down in flames in a raid over England. It was his tour de force model. Thirty feet long, it had four gondolas with gasoline motors that worked and a control gondola in which a small man could fit if he didn't mind a prenatal position. A big black formée cross, American flag, California state flag, and Star of David were painted on the sides.

  Brass did not comment; he had seen stranger conjunctions.

  The old man looked surprised, but he smiled and pumped Brass' hand vigorously. They went into the house, which was crowded with smaller models of Zeppelins and dirigibles. The old man insisted on pouring a drink six fingers high, and Brass was not reluctant to accept.

  'Here's to the return of horses,' Mr Goldbeater said. 'And to the downfall of Abdul von Schicklgruber.'

  'Here's to the comeback of gasbags,' Brass said, and they drank.

  Samantha surprised both by filling a glass with bourbon.

  'Here's to the triumph of true love,' she said, and she drank.

  'The waters of Kentucky bring out what lies dearest to our hearts,' Mr Goldbeater said.

  He looked at his daughter and at Brass.

  'How long have you been laying Samantha?'

  'Papa!'

  'Not long enough,' Brass said, holding his glass for a refill.

  'A fine figure of a woman,' Mr Goldbeater said. 'And a big heart, if a weak mind. Too good for that schlemiel Irving. And you're a fine broth of a lad.'

  He drank again and then said, 'Irving runs around with a shicksa that drinks daiquiris.'

  He shuddered.

  Samantha sat down and held out her glass for a refill. She hated alcohol, but it was the only anaesthetic handy.

  'Papa, how long have you known?'

  'When you walked in. It was bound to happen, unless you became so fat eating forbidden fruit – if you don't mind my calling pork on rye that – that a man wouldn't want to have anything to do with you.'

  Brass looked at the portrait of Samantha's mother. He knew then where she had gotten her magnificent breasts and why a man who loved Zeppelins would have asked her mother to marry him.

  When he left, Brass was reeling in body and mind. Around him was a cloud, and through it poked the huge nose of a black Zeppelin high over London. This was the recurring dream of old man Goldbeater.

  In Brass' apartment, Samantha confessed that that was her recurring dream, too.

  'There's this black curly cloud miles up, and there's the city sprawled out on its back below. And then, suddenly, there's a drone of motors, and this tremendous round-nosed and very long thing slides out of the clouds. It's great and powerful and also sinister, so sneaky and evil, and it penetrates the air so irresistibly. And it horrifies me, yet attracts me.'

  He looked down at her and said, 'Feuer Ein!'

  'Fire one!' she said a moment later, breathing hard. 'I didn't know you knew German?'

  'I've seen a lot of movies about submarine warfare,' he said when he had regained his breath. 'I don't know what the krauts said when they ordered bombs dropped. Lässen fallen die Bomben, Dreckkopf?'

  'I have to go home,' she said dreamily. 'Or I'll fall asleep, and Irving will come home, and then you'll see the bombs drop. Right on me.'

  'I must have had too much bourbon at your father's,' he said. 'Otherwise, why would I be asking you to stay here and let Irving find out about us? So he divorces you? Don't you love me?'

  'You keep telling me that money isn't all,' she said. 'And I keep telling you that love isn't all, either. I'm secure with Irving. He isn't ever going to divorce me unless I get very nasty. He thinks it'd give him a bad name with the wives of his business friends, which means his friends would give him a bad name. He'd find a way to cut me off without a cent. And you...'

  'So what do we do, just continue our affair?'

  'Until it comes to a natural end.'

  'All endings, from the viewpoint of the person being ended, are unnatural,' he said.

  That phrase possessed him; a poem started to come on. He did not even see or hear Samantha leave the room.

  After his poem on the finality of things was cast in its final form, Brass began to think of Samantha again. But he had little time to think and less to act. The absentee landlord, a coy Gentile, sold the apartment building. Two days later, the crane and its giant steel ball and the bulldozer arrived. The tenants threatened to sue, and the landlord, on vacation in Hawaii, said, 'Sue me.' He pointed out that he had sent the tenants letters six months ago telling them why and when they must leave. If they had not received them, they should blame the postal service, which was deteriorating along with everything else.

  The big ball struck thunder and quake and plaster through the building, and the pieces of ceiling falling on him awoke Brass. He dressed hastily and .packed without folding anything. He had decided, as soon as he opened his eyes, that he was not going to force the authorities to carry him out after all. Buildings were almost as insubstantial as love; nothing lasted forever. A six-story high-rent apartment building would be erected here; other men and women would fall in love while living in it and would make their decisions to run away or stay. And then that building, too, would be torn down.

  But it wasn't easy to demolish love, which, after all, was more like an animal, a living creature, than a construction of inorganic material. He would make one more attempt. If he failed, he would at least have given Beverly Hills another item of folklore.

  It took him most of the morning to rent a horse in Griffith Park, rent a car and trailer, and transport the beast to the heart of downtown Beverly Hills, the corner of Wilshire Boulevard and Beverly Drive.

  There he mounted his white horse and, repressing the desire to cry, 'Hi-Yo, Silver, Awa-a-ay!', he urged the horse into a gallop eastward on Wilshire. Inaudible music of Rossini's Lone Ranger Overture. Audible shrill of police whistles, blare and bleep of car horns, scream of brakes, caw of curses flying by like ravens.

  Before reaching Doheny, he turned south on one of those streets named after trees, the sparks flying from the iron shoes of his charger and the cigars dropping from the mouths of the Rolls-Royce salesmen in the agency near the corner. There were, as usual, no parking spaces available, so he rode down the strip of grass between curb and sidewalk, slid to a halt, jumped off, tied the panting beast to a bush, and ran upstai
rs to the third floor past the astonished manager, who had just opened the front door.

  He beat on the door of the Golds' apartment, got no answer, and shoved the door in with a kick followed by his shoulder. The maid was gone, but Samantha's faint cries reached him. He ran down the hall and turned the corner.

  Samantha was stuck in the dog door.

  She looked up at him and said, 'I tried to signal you, but you've kept your blinds down. Then I asked the maid to get you, and she told me Irving paid her wages, not me. But she did give me a special-delivery letter from my father.

  'Father took off in his model, his mini-Zeppelin he called it in the letter. He left this morning, headed for Sacramento. He said he was going to bomb that schweinhund in the governor's mansion. And he wished you and me good luck.'

  Samantha started to cry. Brass tried to pull her out of the opening, but he stopped when she began to groan with pain.

  'I thought you would've lost weight since you stopped seeing me,' he said.

  'Irving decided to let me eat all the pork on rye and mushroom gravy that I wanted. That way, I wouldn't be able to sneak out. He found out that the best jailer is the prisoner himself. Herself, in this case.

  'But then I heard that your building was going to be torn down, and I got my father's letter. I knew that I had to do something brave and worthwhile, too. So I tried to get out so I could run off with you. With you I could have my sandwiches and love, too. So you drink too much and our floors are bare. So what?'

  Brass kicked the door until his feet hurt and then he battered it with chairs until he had shattered a dozen. But Irving, knowing the flimsiness and sleaziness of modern construction, had had the door built to order.

  A siren wailed decrescendo outside.

  'I wanted to carry you off on my horse,' Brass said. 'For a few blocks, anyway. Then we would transfer to my rental Mustang and take off for the mountains.'