Beautiful Mistakes

by Sam Mariano

  Julie kept her expression carefully blank as she read the simple card.

  Julie-

  I was thinking of you.

  I miss you.

  -Matt

  Shaking her head, Julie glanced up to see Aaron discreetly reading the card out of the corner of his eye, and she quickly tilted it away.

  His gaze jumped to hers then, and she felt as if she had been caught, even though she had done nothing wrong.

  Maybe because there was something like accusation in his eyes?

  No, wrong word. It wasn't accusation…

  He looked like he had been proven right—not the smug way he had been in the car, but like he was almost disappointed that he was right.

  Acting on pure spontaneity, Julie pasted a smile on her face and pushed the roses back toward the woman at the desk.

  "I'll tell you what, why don't you take these roses home?"

  The woman raised startled eyes to Julie's. "Excuse me?"

  "You like them, don't you? They're pretty. You can have them—a token of appreciation for always being so friendly." Then she picked them up and handed them to the woman. "Thank you."

  "Oh, I couldn't…" the woman said, but she was blushing with pleasure.

  "I want you to have them," Julie said brightly. "Trust me, I work with people all the time, I know you deserve them—people aren't always a joy to be around. Besides, if you don't take them, I'm going to haul them straight up those stairs and throw them in the trash, so you might as well put them in a vase on your table or something."

  "Well, that's very nice of you, thank you," the woman said, smiling as she looked at the roses.

  "Anytime. And… if in the future you ever get flowers from someone named Matt again, keep 'em.—I'll just throw them away."

  The woman smiled and stole a glance at Aaron, probably reading the situation very inaccurately, but she didn't say anything else.

  "Good night," Julie called with a wave as she walked toward the elevator, Aaron slowly trailing behind.

  This time it was Julie racing to the elevator and pushing the button, thinking it couldn't possibly get there soon enough.

  "You didn't have to do that," Aaron told her, looking up at the numbers that told them which floor the elevator was on.

  "I know," she said casually. "I didn't want them."

  "Why?" he asked.

  She glanced in his direction then, but he was still focused on the numbers.

  Julie wasn't quite sure how to respond to that, especially since the reason she had discarded them so quickly was because he was so obviously displeased that she had received them. If not for Aaron, Julie was honest enough to admit she would have hauled the roses upstairs—probably even sniffed them, since it was the first time a man had ever given her roses before—and she might have even considered not tossing them…

  But she lived with Aaron, and she knew that if she even touched the flowers she was risking alienating him.

  It was a simple decision. Meaningless flowers and grumpy Aaron or no flowers and pleasant Aaron.

  The elevator chimed and the doors opened, bringing Julie back to reality.

  "Because they don't mean anything to me," she finally said, stepping into the elevator with him.

  Aaron merely nodded, but he didn't look completely satisfied.

  They were on his floor with the doors opening before he asked, "Why do you think he sent them?"

  To that, she had no answer. "I… don't really know."

  "Has he sent you flowers before?" Aaron asked, reminding her of a detective.

  Shaking her head, Julie said, "Nope, first time."

  He nodded. "Have you talked to him since I kicked him out?"

  That question made her squirm. She couldn't lie, but she hated to tell the truth.

  "I take it you have," he said at her continued silence.

  "Not… much. He texted me, but I barely even responded."

  Putting his key in the lock and opening the door, he told her, "You don't have to sound so guilty, Julie. You're allowed to talk to Matt all you want to; you don't owe me anything."

  "But I don't want to!" she said vehemently, concerned about the status of their camaraderie. "I can't help that he texted me, I didn't ask him to, and when he started being stupid I quit texting him back."

  "You don't have to explain yourself to me," he said, shaking his head. "I only asked because I was curious as to what he believes our relationship to be right now."

  Frowning a little, Julie was reminded of the text that he couldn't believe she was "with" his brother.

  "If you don't mind telling me, do you know what he thinks of our relationship?"

  She hesitated briefly, but then she said, "He might think we're… together."

  "Did you let him believe that?" Aaron asked calmly.

  "I didn't lead him to believe that, if that's what you're asking," she said defensively.

  He shook his head. "That's not what I was asking. I don't really care what he thinks, I'm just wondering."

  Feeling a little less defensive, she tried to remember exactly how their conversation had gone. "Well, I didn't lead him to believe we were together, he just jumped to that conclusion. But… I don't think I necessarily corrected that, I just… told him I didn't say that, he just assumed it on his own. I don't think I ever actually gave him a straight answer."

  Nodding, Aaron looked satisfied, but she didn't know why.

  "Why do you ask?" she questioned.

  Half-smiling, he said, "No reason."

  She said nothing, but she definitely didn't believe him. Even if his tone would have been convincing—which it wasn't—there was a hard look in his eye, a cynicism as he shook his head…

  But she didn't pry.

  Instead, she just asked, "Did you want me to correct him? I can; there was really no specific reason I didn’t, I guess I just didn’t want him to think…"

  Shaking his head, Aaron said, "Nope, you don't have to."

  "Are you sure?" she asked, watching him carefully to see how disturbed he was by the idea that his brother thought he was dating her.

  He smiled, but it wasn't a nice smile, and he said, "I'm positive. Let him waste Emma's money, I don't give a shit," he muttered as he walked to the bedroom.

  Julie frowned, not really understanding his mood, but Aaron didn’t seem to be feeling very talkative, and he only stopped in the bedroom to grab clothes before going to take a shower.

  While he showered Julie waited patiently, thinking about the flowers and the text messages.

  Thinking about Aaron a little bit, but not so much as to become inappropriate and force her to shove something else in the mental box.

  She did wonder why she felt the insuppressible need to explain herself to him, but that made her a little uncomfortable, so she went back to thinking about the flowers.

  Even though she didn't even get to smell them, they were pretty. She didn't realize she was still holding the card until that moment, and she looked down to find it clutched tightly in her hand. Reading it one last time with a little sigh, she carefully tore the card in half, then she took it in the kitchen and threw it in the garbage.

  Why had he sent those flowers? It was so confusing. The man really wasn't very good at cheating on his wife, she decided, because he shouldn't send proof like flowers and a card that she could have easily taken to Emma.

  Once Aaron got out of the shower he went straight to bed, so Julie grabbed some clothes and took a quick shower, then she changed into her comfy college sweater and her Eeyore pajama pants. Not glamorous, but it hardly mattered if she looked like a dork when no one was around to see her—Aaron excluded, but he never really looked at her. She could wear a paper bag around the house and he wouldn't notice.

  Sighing as she slipped into bed and got under the covers, she wondered what kind of damage had been done to their peace treaty that night.

  The flowers had been bad. The card had been worse. Aaron hadn't been pleased by the display
, and he had gone to the shower grumbling.

  They weren't really good signs, but she was going to stay optimistic.

  Aaron rolled over then, and she grimaced, hoping she didn't wake him when she was trying to get settled.

  It took her eyes a second to adjust to the darkness, but she realized once they did that Aaron was awake—and he was looking right at her.

  "Did I wake you?" she asked apologetically.

  "No," he said simply.

  "Okay… good," she said, offering a little smile.

  He stared at her for a long moment, and just when Julie began to feel uncomfortable he started moving again, getting comfortable.

  Then, without a word, he very slowly—giving her every opportunity to object, she imagined—wrapped his arm around Julie.

  At first she could only stare at him in shock, but he looked like he was very unsure of what he had just done, so she replaced the look of surprise with a warm smile.

  Next: elation. It was absolutely ridiculous to be so happy about just having a man wrap his arms around her, but that’s how she felt.

  "That's better," she remarked, still smiling.

  "And I'm not even drunk," he said, sounding like he might even be trying to restore some of their light mood.

  Her grin widened and she pushed her luck, snuggling into his embrace and wrapping her arm around his back, too.

  He stiffened, so she asked, "Is that okay? I can move it…"

  It seemed like he had to force himself to relax, but he slowly nodded and said, "That's fine."

  "You sure?" she asked. "I don't want you to think I'm trying to get fresh with you or anything."

  Shooting her a dry look, he said, "Oh yeah, I'm looking out for my virtue."

  Nodding, she said with mock seriousness, "Me too."

  He cracked a smile, and it made her feel all warm and happy inside.

  Strange.

  He shook his head a little as he closed his eyes, but she noticed the tension was gone from his face and from the muscles in his back.

  "Good night, Julie."

  Smiling widely even though he couldn't see her—or maybe because he couldn't see her—she said, "Good night, Aaron."

  And as she enjoyed the warmth of his embrace, she didn't even try to go to sleep. As soon as she fell asleep the hours would fly by, and before she knew it morning would be there, then Aaron would get up, and she would no longer have the strange security that she felt when he held her.

  Although she tried to thoughtlessly enjoy it, she did wonder occasionally if that was such a good idea. Was it really a good idea to get accustomed to sleeping in someone's arms when she actually enjoyed it? What if she felt bereft once she had to sleep without him again? They weren’t together, and there was certainly no one waiting to knock down her door; she might be even lonelier later as a result of accepting the temporary comfort.

  She knew she didn't only enjoy his embrace because she was lonely because she had never known that feeling before, but what if she did miss it once it was gone?

  Aaron's first snore brought her out of her pondering, and a big smile made its way across her face as she gazed up at her noisy bedmate. She really was not a fan of snoring in general, but she was beginning to get accustomed to it coming from Aaron.

  It was peculiar, but she got the strangest desire to just reach out and touch him—to trail her finger across his lips, to caress his cheek, to rest her face against his skin.

  She resisted, of course, but the desire to do it in the first place was completely foreign to her.

  Her eyes finally began to get too heavy, and she knew she was going to have to give in and go to sleep, but before she closed her eyes she took in one last gaze.

  As her eyes fluttered closed and she yawned, Julie found herself thinking that she was really glad she gave the woman at the desk the flowers.

  With her eyes closed, she tried to imagine that other route she could have taken if she wouldn't have cared what Aaron thought. She would have hauled the flowers upstairs—just like she had with the earrings—and she would thoughtlessly put them on the kitchen counter or something, her only thoughts on trying to figure out why Matt was sending her flowers and what it might mean. If he was thinking of her, might he regret tossing her out on her ass or pawning her off on his brother? As her thoughts were filled with Matt, she would probably wonder absently why Aaron was being so grumpy again, but since she wouldn't really care she would only register how his mood inconvenienced her, then her thoughts would return to the flowers that she was putting in a vase, and her fingers might curl around the card as she reread it again, trying to pretend she wasn't pleased that she was in Matt's thoughts…

  When she drifted off to sleep, Aaron wouldn't wrap his arms around her. In fact, he might not have even stayed home. More than likely Aaron would have gone out after his shower and not returned home, so Julie would have gone to bed alone, and only for a moment might she wonder why Aaron hadn't come home…

  …Just like she always used to do.

  Her eyes opened, despite how heavy they felt, and she looked at Aaron again, a calm feeling of peace wrapping her up just like Aaron's embrace—safe, secure, happy.

  It was the best bubble in the world, she thought sleepily. Since no one else was even awake, she didn't have to think about why she was so happy to be there—even when he wasn't really doing anything but snoring loudly—so she just basked in the unfamiliar feeling.

  As she snuggled close to him and closed her eyes for the last time that night, she wondered what things might have been like if she had done the right thing with Matt's gifts right from the start—gotten rid of them. Instead of keeping the earrings that reminded Aaron of her former status all the time, what if she would have refused to accept them?

  She was startled a little as Aaron jerked in his sleep, his arm tightening around her and his brow creasing even in his sleep.

  Julie intuitively pulled him closer, lightly rubbing his back to ease the tension back out of it, and after a second he was snoring again.

  As she yawned, she accepted that she would never really know what might have happened if she would have made better choices.

  Better late than never, she decided.

  Chapter Eighteen-

  Julie woke up very briefly the next morning when Aaron rolled out of bed, because she noticed as soon as his arm was no longer wrapped around her.

  "Go back to sleep, it's still dark out," he told her, climbing out of bed.

  "Why do you wake up at these ungodly hours?" she muttered, pulling the blanket around her to try to make up for the warmth of his body.

  Half smiling, he said, "Because I have a lot to do."

  "It's Sunday, you don't even open today," Julie said, yawning.

  "Go back to sleep," he said again, grabbing some clothes out of his dresser drawer and walking out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

  After that, Julie did fall back asleep, and she didn't wake up until a couple minutes before nine when the ringing of her cell phone woke her up.

  It was Leigh, she saw, so she answered immediately.

  "Hello?"

  "Hey, Julie. Did I wake you?"

  "No," Julie lied, rubbing the sleep from her eye. "What's up?"

  Sighing, Leigh said, "My ten o'clock person just called off and I'm swamped. Is there any way you could come in 10 to 2?"

  Stealing a glance at the clock, Julie said, "Yeah, I could do that."

  "Thank you," Leigh said, sounding a little rushed. "I'll see you then."

  "Ok, see you then," Julie said, hanging up.

  As she took a quick shower and cursed the lack of water pressure for the millionth time, Julie thought about how it kind of sucked that she got called in from 10 to 2, because Aaron worked at 2, so that meant she wouldn't see him at all until he got home after closing, at which point he would be tired and he would go to sleep since he had to open the next day.

  She wasn't even sure why she wa
nted to see him, but she did. If she was interpreting the cuddling accurately as positive reinforcement for stepping off the path of being a dumbass, then she was curious as to whether or not she would continue to get rewarded.

  She was also curious as to whether or not the cuddling was going to be a regular occurrence or if it was an isolated incident.

  As she drove to work, she let herself have a moment to ponder why she enjoyed cuddling with Aaron, why she wanted to touch his face when he was sleeping so peacefully, why she would reject dinners, thousand dollar diamond earrings, designer labels and bouquets of roses all in an attempt to please him.

  Well, maybe it wasn't just to please him, she allowed.

  Turning away from Matt had to be the best choice even though she was technically carrying his child, because at the end of the day he was married and not really able—or willing—to bridge the gap. It couldn't possibly be healthy to bring her child up in a home like that, right? Even if she wanted to be stupid and play mistress, maybe that would have been of a little less importance if she only had to worry about herself, because she could just chalk it up to being young and stupid—that's what Julie's mom always used to say about her youthful mistakes anyway. It would have still been wrong, but it wouldn't have really been as big a deal because it would just be Julie.

  But Julie could no longer just think about herself. She was going to be a mother, and it was more important to actually be someone her kid would look up to—something that was going to be very tricky considering the circumstances of her pregnancy.

  Some days, when she thought about that, she honestly considered—very briefly—just skipping town. If she just went back home to her mom for a little while and got her life together, she could raise the baby as a single parent without him or her ever having to know how Mommy had fucked up. Then she could actually build a respectable life for them, and she would never set eyes on Matt again.

  Change of scenery, change of cell phone number, and as far as Matt knew she dropped off the face of the earth.

  But she didn't really want to do that.

  Erasing Matt from the record as the child's father, she would like to do. But she didn't want to go back home to her mom, and strangely she didn't even feel like she wanted to leave Chicago.