by B C Morgan
“Don’t be moronic, is that really what you think of me?” my sadness turns to anger as I push up to my feet.
“No it’s not, but it’s not like I know all that much about you,” he says it so forcefully and with so much irritation behind it. It gets my back up instantly, the fact he could jump to conclusions so easily and the emotional onslaught I just felt at seeing Elliott’s face again, it’s just too much.
“It’s my goddamn brother, screw you,” I bite out and I’m charging out of those doors as fast as my legs will carry me.
Of course, my luck would send me crashing into Finley and I slap my palm against his chest in sheer frustration.
“Stay the fuck out of my way,” I force out between gritted teeth and he holds his hands up in a placating gesture.
“Maybe you should look where you’re going,” he shoots back before taking my appearance in.
“Hey, are you alright?” he asks, laying his hands upon my shoulders, but I quickly shake him off.
“Don’t act as though you give a rats arse, just stay away from me.”
“Henleigh,” calls Amias, before he pushes Finley aside and tells him to stay away from me.
“Why don’t you both just leave me alone,” I shout and suddenly I have Roxie at my side and she’s leading me away and the tears refuse to stop falling.
She’s typing away on her phone while I sit on my bed staring at Elliott, she hasn’t asked what’s wrong and I’m loving her so hard right now.
“Declan is going to find Amias and let him know where we are, you don’t have to see him, but he looked worried.” She says this gently, like I’m a frightened animal who may flee at any moment.
“He doesn’t do worried. I don’t know a thing about him and he doesn’t know me.” I laugh derisively as I say this, but I feel so melancholy as well. It would be nice to let someone in.
“Hey, I saw his face, he may prefer to fight and cause fights, but he does care about you. Emotions don’t care about the past but if you do, maybe you should try to rectify that yourself,” she says, sitting beside me and making it sound like it’s the easiest thing in the world to do.
“I wouldn’t even know where to begin and what if he doesn’t like what I have to say?” It hasn’t dawned on me how scared I am of that, until right now. Sure I was worried, but I’m actually fearful that I’ll lose him and the others.
I haven’t allowed myself to have anyone to lose and now I’ve gained more people than I had ever imagined. It would be a very lonely place if they all turned their backs on me and shut me out.
“If he or any of us can’t handle your truths, then are we really worth letting in. If the answer is no, then you’re better off without us anyway.”
“I’m scared, I did something really bad. And I’m not ready to find out if you can handle my truths or not,” saying it out loud, it sounds pathetic, but she pats me on my knee.
“Then take baby steps and work your way up to the ugly stuff, people can surprise you, ya know.”
Her phone pings and she tells me that Amias wants to see me, I ask if she’ll stay and she has this huge grin on her face when she says, “just let him try to kick me out.”
Five minutes later and he’s leaning against the wall beside my door. Roxie is spread out on my sofa and I’m leaning on my bed, just waiting for someone to say something.
“I didn’t know you had a brother.”
“Well that makes it all better then doesn’t it? You didn’t know about Elliott so I must have a boyfriend back at home,” the disdain is dripping from me and he won’t even meet my eyes.
“I told you I was toxic and too messed up for you, I saw you crying with a picture of a guy on your phone and I instantly thought bad of you. It’s the way I’m wired, I always expect the worst and tend to bring it out in people as well.” He sounds angry with himself and determined to show me all the ugliness he believes is stored within him.
“I was crying because I only had one photo here and Octavia shredded it into confetti. It’s why I was so messed up when Mattias took me to Noah, it’s also why he knows one thing about my life that none of you do,” I say, my frustration and pain mixing and bleeding out into my voice.
“Hang on, you’re just going to ignore what I said about myself?” He sounds confused and I think I’m going to put him out of his misery quickly.
“I like the way you are, it’s unnerving and I can’t get a read on you which is unusual for me but it makes things interesting. So yep, no need to talk about it because I accept it, it’s as easy as that.” I stand up, pulling my hair into a loose ponytail to give me something to do before I continue. “My brother died ten years ago, I don’t even know the full story as to how, but he was my hero and when he died, I didn’t just lose him. He had these friends, they were my guardians, my brothers. Two died, one went to prison and one is lying in a hospital bed in a coma. So, when my dad sent me a picture it made me cry.” It rushes out of me and my voice is thick with all the emotions I try to bury and keep hidden.
“That’s why Noah went to bat for you, you told him what happened.” His eyes fill with understanding as the realisation hits him.
“No, I just told him about the photo and how he was dead. You now know more than anyone else,” I say, my tone softening and some of the sadness is disappearing.
“Except me,” comes from Roxie with a wink and I can’t help but laugh at that.
“Thanks for trusting me and I’m sorry for thinking the worst of you, I should have known better.” his tone is low and silvery, and it sends the good kind of chills over me.
“No, it’s only been over a month. How can you know me better,” I state and he comes closer. I swallow nervously and I can feel the heat coming from his body, he’s that close.
“No, it was hard for you liking three of us, there’s no way you could have a secret boyfriend somewhere. I think I’ve got a good read on you and I know you well enough.” He sounds so sure, but how can he be?
I smile at his words even though I know he’s wrong, he doesn’t know everything, and soon everything will come crashing down.
Elliott
It’s been a while since I wrote anything to you and I’m sorry for that. It’s just you are my big brother and I wanted to share this with someone. I’ve had a great start to the week so far and Amias is surprisingly fun when the others aren’t around. I haven’t revealed my big bad secret, but I’ve been talking about you a lot, and it feels good to just talk. Bella is so nice to be around; she is such a softie and I’m so glad she invited me to the movie night. I never would have approached them. And it turns out Declan is a great guy. You can tell how much he adores Roxie and I’m glad he stuck it to that bitch.
I want you to know that I haven’t forgotten, and I am sticking to my plan to find out why I had to lose you.
I keep remembering that conversation we had a month before you were taken from me, and I can’t shake the idea that you knew something could happen.
That can’t be true surely, you wouldn’t have risked leaving me alone or risked our brothers. So what happened? I wish you could answer me. I love you Elliott, I really hope the big reveal won’t break my heart. I need you to be my hero, what am I saying? It doesn’t matter, whatever happened back then you are my big brother and I adore you.
Forever your pipsqueak
Hen
X
I close my journal and put it in my bag, I’m never leaving it in here. I need to hurry up and get ready for Amias, come on Henleigh pull your head out of your arse.
Apparently, he’s taking me on a ‘friends only’ date, not sure how that works out but that’s what he said. Bella picked out a pair of thick burgundy tights, with a knee length black jumper dress and a pair of wedge ankle boots. I feel overdressed but I’ve got to admit it works well together and my gold lidded eyes and pale pink lips compliment it just right.
Why do I feel nervous? It’s only Amias. Or maybe it’s because in a week’s time everyon
e will be back, and I have no idea where that and will leave us. I’m trying to focus more on what I’ll be doing when we get out for the summer. But how can I get out of here Without having to return to my parents’ house?
Oh what a complicated web I weave, if only it could be a tad more straightforward than it is right now.
There’s a knock at my door and a sudden rise of giddiness is overtaking me. My heart is pounding, my cheeks feel hot and I swear my hands are clammy all of a sudden.
I open the door and stare straight into his eyes, he’s back to being unreadable, but I swear his eyes haven’t been as hard and dark recently.
“Are you ready?” he asks, as he holds out his arm and I hook mine through it.
“Lead the way, I’m all yours,” I say, and then instantly regret it, I can’t be saying shit like that.
“Stop panicking I’m not reading anything into your comment, today is all about having fun and for that to begin we need to get out of this prison they call a school.” He’s smirking and his eyes are sparkling with excitement. It’s rubbing off on me, and I’m excited without even knowing why.
I ask him how we’re supposed to do that, but he quickly leads me down to the shed and helps me climb up. I go down the ladder and wait for him to join me.
Then he’s on his phone and it isn’t long before we’re standing on a road close enough to the school that a taxi will actually collect us and we’re off. I have no idea where he is taking me, but I won’t lie and say I’m not excited, this is thrilling. Putting my trust in someone completely without having to worry about anything, forget thrilling, it’s freeing.
I stare out of the window until we pull up close to the beach, if he’s taking me there he’s insane, it’s winter!
“Don’t worry, I’ve got something well suited for this weather planned for us,” he says wrapping his arm around my shoulder and guiding me towards an outdoor ice rink.
This is incredible, he rents us some skates and it isn’t long before I’m on the rink and skating round like a whirlwind. I know I shouldn’t have left him, but the excitement has taken over. I do a couple of fancy twists and turns before heading back to find him.
It wasn’t really that difficult seeing as he’s standing in the same spot I left him, I better see what’s going on, this is supposed to be fun for the both of us.
“What’s up?” I ask as come to a stop mere inches in front of him.
He strokes his hand against my cheek, this guy is always finding a reason to touch me.
“I’m not great on the ice, I thought I’d be alright, but I fell over seconds after you zoomed off. It’s okay, skate around and I’ll wait for you.” He looks so sorry for himself and I’m struggling not to laugh.
“Don’t be crazy, what kind of non-date, date involves me having fun without you. Nope, not happening,” I say stubbornly as I put my hands on my hips for a moment.
I take his hands in mine and start skating backwards, he looks terrified and I’m laughing so hard. I know I shouldn’t, but I’ve never seen him look like this.
“It’s not that funny,” he grits out and I get a hold of myself before closing the distance.
“It’s okay, I won’t let you fall. But if I can’t prevent it for whatever reason, then I’ll be right here to help you back up. Come on gorgeous, I’ve got you,” I say it with my own smirk and a cheeky wink, and his eyes light up instantly.
“If that’s my nickname from you then I am all for it,” he says with a smirk and it takes me a second to realise what I said.
I know my cheeks are going bright red but at least he’s not skating or stumbling away, and we spend the next half an hour going around together. It’s fun, we have a few falls but it’s clear he’s had as much fun as me, especially when we enter a cafe and get a luxury hot chocolate. It’s fully loaded with squirty cream, mini marshmallows, chocolate shavings and a flake. It’s delicious.
“Thanks for today, I’ve really enjoyed it,” I say, feeling relaxed and comfortable in my own skin.
“I thought while everyone is off having fun with their families, we should get some fun too. Besides, it's impossible to get you to myself when everyone is around.”
He has a mock pout on his face, but I don’t think he’s joking around.
“Aww poor baby, if you want to spend some time with me you only have to say.” The words fall free without much thought and he’s got this intense look on his face.
“What if I didn’t want this to stop when school starts back up, what then?” he asks and I wish he hadn’t, as I don’t have an answer for him yet.
“I’m not asking you to be mine, not now at least. But why do we have to stop? It’s been fun,” he says it easily but it’s impossible to miss the feeling behind the sentiment.
“I don’t want it to stop, but it won’t stay fun and easy if someone gets hurt. I’m sorry Amias, I don’t know what to do.” My heart feels heavy as I say this and it may not have been what he wanted to hear, but at least it was honest.
The atmosphere isn’t the same after that and we soon return to the school.
Ten
Christmas Day is a surreal time at school, it seems that other than Roxie, I’m the only one who doesn’t care about not spending it with my family. What does that say about me? Maybe if my mother hadn’t hurt me so badly and my dad hadn’t sided with her, maybe then I would have been more willing to go home.
There’s a tree set up in the big hall where we had our movie night, and the projector has been set up again to show Christmas movies after dinner. They're even showing Die Hard, and I am all over that one. The girls and I are sitting on pillows and rugs on the floor eating muffins and wondering what else they’ll show today.
“Do you think we’ll still hang out when school starts back up?” asks Bella, twirling her hair around her finger, she does it anytime she gets nervous.
“Of course we will. Just because the other guys are coming back, it doesn’t mean I’ll forget about you all. That would be pretty lousy of me,” I say, and I’m rewarded with a watery smile.
“You better not bitch, otherwise I’ll be stuck with these three. Don’t get me wrong I love these girls, but Bella is smitten with a guy she won’t talk to. Leah is only interested in playing the bass and Mikaela always has her nose in a book. I need someone like me, and you fit perfectly,” says Roxie with her usual mix of half grin half smirk on her face.
“Okay look, I don’t know if we were supposed to do this, but I got you guys a little something for Christmas. It’s been so long since I had, well, friends I just wanted to do something.” I’m rambling and blushing profusely, please just put me out of my misery.
“No Henleigh, don’t go soft on me,” says Roxie with a dramatic sigh before they all admit to doing the same thing.
Can a friendship be formed in a week? I wouldn’t have thought so, but these girls are mine now and I’m not going to throw them away just because Ivy and the boys will be back. I just wish things would go back to normal with Amias.
“Hey no being mopey on Christmas, that goes for all of you,” says Leah, dropping down with a tray of hot chocolates.
“I think it’s time you tell me who this mystery guy is,” I say to Bella, but she goes as red as a beetroot before shaking her head vehemently.
Someone catches my eye, standing in the doorway and I can’t help the smirk that spreads across my face. “I’ll be right back,” I say to the girls before jogging over to Mattias.
“Hello, my knight in shining jeans, I never thanked you for what you did by telling Noah what was going on. I’m here thanks to you,” I say, and he blushes furiously.
“It’s okay, couldn’t have anything happen to Noah’s Leighbear,” he says back with a small smile.
“Do you want to join us for hot chocolate, they’re going to be showing Die Hard soon and we’re swapping presents in a little while.” I’m bouncing slightly as my excitement starts to build.
“I don’t want to intrude, and n
o one here will have a present for me.” He sounds...sad and I don’t like that.
This is breaking my heart, I know I’m sandpaper but even I can’t be mean to him, he’s an utter sweetheart.
“Okay but please come and join us for the movie, you shouldn’t be alone at Christmas.” I give him my puppy dog eyes – I’m sure it’s more like a death glare – but it works.
He goes off to the canteen and I join back up with the girls, they’re very quiet and I even get a couple of squeaks when I tell them I invited him to join us.
“How do you know Mattias?” Roxie asks, with a calculating look on her face.
“He’s a friend of Noah and he kind of saved me a couple of times. He’s an utter sweetheart and I think it would do him some good to not be alone today.”
“You have a good heart Henleigh, do you like him?” Bella asks, it’s an innocent question but there’s a tone to her voice that I can’t quite identify.
“Sure, but only as a friend.” I say easily and I love that it’s the absolute truth.
They’re all looking at me strangely, but I let it wash over me as we drink our drinks and talk about mundane crap. Leah’s girlfriend, Charlotte comes to join us for a little while but she doesn’t stay for long and I can’t help but wonder if she has a problem with me for some reason? I know Leah had been hesitant to introduce us at first in case I had an issue with her being a lesbian, but who am I to judge. Love is love, why should it matter who you share it with?
I’m hunting down Amias, just because things are awkward between us, doesn’t mean I won’t go to him when I need assistance.
After last time, I’ve actually been shown where their rooms are, and he opens his door after I’ve pounded on it for a few minutes.
“Fuck sake Henleigh, no need to beat my door down. What’s wrong?” No warmth in his tone or face anymore, oh well probably easier this way.
“I need to get a hold of Noah, do you think I could grab his number off of you?” I ask and I swear the temperature has dropped a few degrees.
