by B C Morgan
Ivy is her usual self but Noah is quieter than normal, at least in my opinion. I’ve also been distracted by these weird emails that I’m still refusing to open. I could ask Noah for his advice and usually I would, but it seems like he’s got enough on his plate.
As usual I arrange to meet everyone in the canteen for lunch and go in search of Mattias, he’s shocked that I’m coming to him, but he lets me in his room and listens as I explain about the emails.
“PastFinder. That’s strange, you’ve done the right thing not opening them in case it is a virus. But if you want to know for sure, I can access them remotely from here and we can see what they are saying.”
“Yes please, oh Matt you are my favourite person this year,” I say which makes him laugh and he gets to work.
I sit waiting, as patiently as I can while browsing his collection of comics and anime. He’s typing away and I haven’t even brought my phone with me to play on, well done coming prepared Henleigh.
“Umm Henleigh, how many people have you told about Elliott?” He sounds concerned and it has me rising to my feet instantly.
I hurry straight to his computer, but the email isn’t from PastFinder, it’s from one of the ones I keep sending to spam.
“That’s the wrong one,” I say, clearly stating the obvious. I’m feeling thoroughly confused right now.
“I know, but you need to see this. There are loads of them Henleigh and they’re pretty nasty. I’m actually thinking we should get the guys in here before you read them. I wouldn’t feel right hugging you, not for too long.” I’m making him embarrassed and I haven’t even done anything.
His cheeks are so red, it’s adorable. I’m not sure I want all the guys here and I hate admitting it, but I think I need Noah. Mattias nods and I think he agrees I’ve made the best choice. Elijah will try and make me laugh and Amias will want to punch people but Noah, will let me deal and he’ll just be here for me.
I'm a little worried he won’t come but I needn’t have worried. As soon as Mattias calls him he’s on his way, these really are the best guys, if only I deserved them.
Five minutes and he’s bursting through the door, I think he’s run here. He pulls up short when he sees I’m okay and he looks so confused.
“I said she might not be okay in a minute, I didn’t say charge through the door like you have a rocket lodged up your jacksie,” Mattias is shaking his head as he says it and then he opens the email for me to read.
Poor little Henleigh
It must be so hard living without your brother, I bet he was your best friend, maybe your only friend. You’ll never find another, maybe you should do the only thing that will ever make you feel whole again. To feel that emptiness inside, check your locker, I’ve left you a surprise.
R.I.P E.M
“That was sent today, but you’ve been getting them for weeks.” His tone is full of pity and my pain is threatening to bury me in a black hole of despair.
My heart has stopped beating, I can’t breathe and I’m almost hyperventilating. This email is worse than the first. I can feel Noah’s hand on my back. “It’s okay, breath in deeply through your nose and out through your mouth. I’m here Leighbear,” he says softly, but his words are barely registering. I can’t believe it, who would be sick enough to do that?
Henleigh,
You never talk about me, have you forgotten all about your big brother. Am I really that easy to forget, how cold must your heart be that you don’t even utter my name. I’m so disappointed in you, you’re killing me all over again. I don’t know how I could forgive you for this, I’ve been so alone, only the thought of you brought me any peace and now I don’t even have that.
I need my little sister, please Sis if you ever loved me. Don’t leave me alone, join me.
That one is sent from ElliottsGhost. A picture is attached that must have been taken from an online account he had when he was still alive. He’s in a group and I can see all of my brothers, by blood and spirit looking back at me. But Elliott isn’t, seeing as his eyes have been photoshopped and now they are nothing more than black orbs.
I fall to my knees. To send me an email addressed from my dead brother is beyond sick and I can’t cope with it. I can feel the bile rising in my throat and I lurch up, just making it to Matthias’s bathroom before I completely lose my shit.
I hear Noah entering the room and I don’t want anyone to see me like this, but he scoops up my hair and keeps it away from my face. The gesture means more than any amount of words ever could.
“Is she okay.”
“No, but she will be. Can you divert the messages so she doesn’t have to see them. I don’t want them gone, just away from her.” Noah sounds so commanding, but I can’t enjoy it.
“There’s more,” he replies hesitantly.
“Not right now there isn’t, she can’t handle anymore. We’ll deal with the rest later,” says Noah, and Mattias leaves the room and gets to work. But I’ll never unsee the evil that has been sent in the first place.
Ten minutes later, I’m just resting on the tiled floor and staring up at the ceiling without seeing anything.
“Do you want me to take you back to your room, I’ll take care of the teachers,” he says, smiling gently but it all feels so hollow.
“Yes please, but I need to check my locker first.” I feel hollow and my tone screams the fact that I'm a million miles away.
“No, you don’t, I can check it or one of the others can. You don’t need to see what they’ve left for you.” He’s speaking so softly, and I know he wants to help, but keeping me from it won’t make it go away.
“I’m not running from it, I need to see what they've left before I go to my room,” I say, and I will not back down on this one.
He reluctantly agrees and comes with me to my locker, I’m hesitating to open it but it’s better to rip the plaster right off, rather then peel it away slowly from the edges. I pull open the door and a dol swings from a noose in the centre. Her hair is the same colour as mine. Below it is a much larger noose, probably Henleigh size, and a note saying that they’ve made sure it’s a strong knot so it will not fail.
I slam it shut before Noah is steering me away and into my room.
“I’ll only be weak today, I won’t hide once tomorrow comes,” I say as I lie down on my bed and curl up on my side.
“You are not weak my Leighbear, you are one of the strongest people I know. And this isn’t hiding, you’re just recuperating so you can come back fighting.” He’s so sure, and I can tell he means and believes every word he’s saying. It would be nice if I could see myself through his eyes, even if only for a moment.
“Will you stay with me?” Sure, I shouldn’t ask that of him, but the words fall unbidden, and I can’t take them back.
He’s hesitating and it hurts, but I can’t think too much about why. I'm a big girl and if he wants to leave, I can cope with that.
He closes my door and sits down on my bed next to me, before leaning against the headboard and stretching his legs out.
I can feel him playing with my hair and I’m not thinking as I turn over and lay my head on his stomach, cuddling my knees to my chest.
He starts drawing circles on my back, whilst stroking my hair with his other hand.
“Why do you make me feel so safe?” Diarrhoea of the mouth is a serious problem for me, when it comes to him.
“It’s not a bad thing is it,” he says, and I can hear the smile in his voice.
“No it’s not bad, I’m just not sure it’s good either.” Confusing words, but I’m speaking with utter clarity. He’s bad for me but in all the best ways. They don’t say ‘kill them with kindness’, for nothing.
“Why wouldn’t it be good?” I can hear the confusion in his voice.
“Out of everyone, you could be the one to really hurt me.” I don’t want to say any more and I cuddle in closer.
“I wouldn’t hurt you Leighbear.”
I feel so sleepy that the words
keep pouring out, even if they are a little more mumbled now. I really hope he can’t understand me.
“I know, but you’re the only one who could. You could destroy me and break my heart. Please don’t break it my Noah Bear.”
He says my name a couple of times, but I’m too worn out to answer and I’m on the precipice of sleep, so I know I’m not supposed to hear whatever he needs to say.
“I am yours Henleigh, even if you don’t realise it yet.”
I’m awake and I’m not alone, what’s going on? I’m wracking my brain and then it all comes back, the emails, the noose and Noah. Did I dream that last thing I heard? Did he say he was mine or is that wishful thinking on my side?
I lift my head to see Noah looking down at me, I smile coyly, and he returns it. I want to ask him if I had imagined it but I’d look like such a muppet if that turned out to be the case.
“I’m sorry you were stuck here while I slept,” I say as I move to sit up, but he wraps his arms around me and I instantly change my mind.
“Don’t be sorry, I’m not. Are you feeling any better?” He’s all gentle and Noah. Mine. Or at least, that’s what my heart says.
“A little but that stuff was really sick, what else could Mattias want me to see?” I can hear the dread, I guess feeling it isn’t enough for my masochist of a body. Bitch.
“I don’t know but you shouldn’t think about that today, let’s go get some food and we can look at it all with a fresh perspective tomorrow,” he’s got my favourite smile and his eyes are alight with it, I wish I could see this every time I awake.
It’s good advice and I can’t think of any reason to disagree with him, apart from the whole leaving my room part. I’m so comfy right now and I don’t want him to let go.
He slowly disentangles himself from me and I know I have to get up as well. “Do you want me to let everyone know what happened, so you don’t have to deal with any questions?” My hero for sure, how does he always seem to know what I need? “Yes please,” I reply quietly. I really don’t want to think about it anymore and when I move over to the door and see an envelope on the floor, I want to just tear it up.
“Come on, we’ll deal with this later,” Noah says, as he takes the envelope from me and slips it in his pocket.
He takes me to the canteen but not before I stand at my locker, debating whether or not I should open it.
“Don’t even think about it or I will call Amias down, and he won’t hesitate to pick you up and carry you away.”
“Why don’t you just pick me up yourself?” I ask, and I can hear the breathy quality to my voice.
“Amias is the better option, he’s less likely to drop you,” he says with a laugh, but his cheeks are bright red and his eyes keep darting to the side.
If only I could unravel his mysteries.
Twelve
Another month passes and the ‘gifts’ in my locker are intensifying. I’ve found more nooses, pills and even ridiculously sharp blades. Noah has been checking the footage and we know the girls are playing a part in all of this, but are they the mastermind, or just someone’s proxy.
Harrison hasn’t made a move, and I still haven’t seen Mr. Terrifying again. Elijah and Amias were seething when we told them what had happened, but they seemed to understand why I would want Noah with me instead of one of them. Amias still comes around for a crafty kiss and sometimes we’ll lie on my bed and just watch stupid crap on my phone.
He keeps hinting that Noah and me will never be an item, and I tell him that I’m not fussed either way, even though his words cause my stomach to twist in on itself.
The girls have been great, but they don’t really get on well with Ivy, I’m not sure why but Roxie keeps telling me to watch myself where she is concerned. I won’t start thinking badly of her because of that, but I do want to know what is fuelling her warning.
It’s getting closer and closer to July and us being able to leave. I haven't seen any more emails, but I know I’m still receiving them, I know Noah is trying to protect me but I don’t like being kept in the dark.
I feel powerless and out of control and it isn’t sitting well with me. Everything comes to a head when I’m in maths and we’re paired up and somehow, I get put with Harrison.
“I don’t want to fail, can you play nice?” I ask, as I drop my stuff down on the table next to him.
“I don’t play little girl and I’d rather fail this assignment than work with you.” If his eyes didn’t strip me bare and leave me feeling worthless, I would wonder how his tone can convey such hatred and disgust for me.
“What is your problem, because I don’t know what it is I’m supposed to have done to you. I understand the girls, but why are you so hellbent on being an utter arsehole when it comes to me?” I genuinely want to know the answer to this, because I haven’t done anything to attract this level of animosity towards me.
“Because you think you are above everyone else, that the rules don’t apply to you no matter what they are. Because people like you don’t get to just walk around as though you’ve done nothing wrong, how many of your mistakes have you owned.” He brings his head in close to mine, his eyes narrowed and spitting his scorching hatred at me, flaming me with their intensity. “Do your misdeeds haunt you or are you so self-absorbed that you can’t even recognise when you’ve done something abhorrent. You want my advice? Do as you’re told and just end yourself. No one will miss you and the world will be a much better place.”
I rear back as though he slapped me, I think I would have preferred that. My retort catches in my throat, I can’t think of anything to say in my defence.
What more can I do than just sit here and watch him storm out of the class, he’s not even faltering with the threat of failing, what is it that I’ve apparently done to him. Because I know for sure I never saw him before I came to this school.
I’m so happy that my new partner is Mattias, but he looks nervous which cannot be a good sign.
“Henleigh, the emails are getting worse. Noah doesn’t think I should bother you with it, in case it upsets you. But I’m not sure I agree with that,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck continuously.
I’m worried that he’s going to suggest going to the police, Noah texted me about it the other day but I refused. After what happened with Elliott it’s the last thing I need right now, besides it isn’t as though my life is in danger or anything, they’re just emails.
“Do you think I need to see them?” I ask, and he reluctantly nods. “I will only show you two,” he says, albeit reluctantly.
Once class is over we head to his room, good thing we have a study period otherwise we would have had to get this done later.
Little sis,
I can’t believe you’re ignoring me, I know you wear a chain around your neck with my picture on and yet you act this way. I could probably ignore your refusal to acknowledge I ever existed but what you are doing with those guys is disgraceful.
Honestly, knowing what a tart you have turned into, I’m glad I’m not alive to experience it in person. I am so ashamed, just like Mum and Dad will be when they find out. What do you think they will do to you this time?
Elliott’sGhost
It’s those girls it has to be, but what can I do? We have proof that they’ve been at my door when letters have been pushed under, but I can’t actually see them doing it in the footage. As for my locker, they somehow managed to find a blind spot because they never appear, but luckily Declan is getting people in to fix that little error. I just need to prove it was them, then I can take it to the headmistress, and she won’t be able to ignore it this time.
The next email is from PastFinder and Mattias looks uncomfortable.
“I know what it says but Noah doesn’t, I haven’t told anyone else,” he really stresses that part before he opens it and I begin to read once more.
I know what you did and soon so will every student in residence at Padstow Academy. You may think you got away with it, but I
won’t rest until you pay for your crimes. She suffers because of you, her life is over because of what you did. Did you know she was set to be the next lead in the swan lake ballet, but your poor judgement robbed her of that chance.
Get ready Henleigh Monterey, I’m about to rip apart your life. Let’s see how many friends you have standing by your side when they find out the truth of who you really are.
For RS.
Crap, crap and double crap. This cannot be happening, I was planning on telling everyone eventually but I’m scared that PastFinder is right. What if they can’t handle the truth about me, and shit Mattias has read these emails what if he knows?
I can’t breathe, there is not enough air in this room. Mattias is patting me on the back but it’s not helping, he knows, and he’ll tell Noah.
“Henleigh calm down.” Shit on a cracker, Mattias is shouting at me.
“I don’t know what you’ve done but you won’t lose everyone, I guarantee whatever happens Noah at least will still be here for you.” He sounds so sure, like it’s a well-known fact and I’m clinging onto this lifeline with all my might.
“What about the others?” The desperation is clear in my voice, I don’t want to lose any of them.
“I can’t speak for others, but I have a feeling Amias won’t change his opinion on you easily.”
“It’s not just the guys, Bella and Roxie I adore those girls. I mean I adore all of them, but I’ve spent more time with those two and you. I know we don’t exactly hang out but I still consider you a friend, I want to keep you all.” I’m selfish and I won’t pretend otherwise, I have never claimed to be perfect but I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to be hurt either. Please, just let me keep them.
“Maybe you should let them hear it from you instead, maybe tell one person and see how they react and then you can go from there. Just not me, that’s too much pressure,” he says waving his hands in front of him.
