Loving in the Light

by Alexandria Bishop

  “You sure are doing a great job of getting me excited about my impending doom.”

  “There are good days and it’s all worth it, you’ll see. Now get some sleep. I love you Tinley.”

  “Love you too.”

  Tinley hangs up and starts to put her phone back on the nightstand, but she quickly changes her mind and types out a couple of text messages first.

  Me: Marek, if you get these, I want you to know that I love you.

  * * *

  Me: Luna and I miss you and can’t wait for you to come home.

  * * *

  Me: And our little girl. I’ve already made her promise me that she won’t come visit us until you’re home.

  She knows her texts will go into the void, but she can’t help but send them anyway. Maybe, just maybe he’ll have charged his phone and reply back. Her eyelids start sliding closed more frequently the longer she stares at her screen, and she gently puts her phone down rather than continuing to torture herself. As she slips off to sleep, she continues telling herself tomorrow will be a better day. She might not believe the words herself, but she figures if she says them enough she’ll trick herself into thinking they’re true.

  Chapter Four

  Today was the first day in a while that Luna crashed and actually took a nap. Marek had told Tinley she wasn’t taking them as much as she used to and to not expect her to, but nonetheless, they got into a routine of Luna lying down for quiet time. Usually she’d stay down for ten minutes and then she’d be up and running around like her afternoon hadn’t been temporarily interrupted, but not today. When Tinley went in to check on her and let her know she could get up, Luna was fast asleep, snuggling with her favorite stuffed unicorn, her tiny thumb nestled between her lips. So, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to have the conversation she’s been dreading.

  When Tinley walks back into the living room, Dakota is sitting on the couch, staring at nothing, and she slowly takes a seat at the other end. They sit there in silence, neither one of them saying anything, and although it’s not uncomfortable, Tinley can’t help her own anxiety. “I need a distraction. I can’t think about whether or not Marek is dead right now…the father of my baby and that amazing little girl in there…so please tell me something—anything.”

  Dakota’s voice comes out quietly as she responds, “I’m sorry.”

  Well that wasn’t what Tinley was expecting at all. She thought maybe they would have to work up to the awkward conversation, not jump right in. “You’re what?”

  Without another word, Dakota gets up from the couch and walks toward the front window. The plants on either side of it wilt to the side and mirror Dakota’s current stature. Tinley can’t even remember the last time she watered them, she’ll have to remember that for later. Dakota looks out and silence fills the room. Tinley studies her former roommate and realizes how much weight she’s lost since the last time they saw each other. She didn’t have much to lose as it was, but her clothes hang off her hunched-over form. Even her yoga pants sag and wrinkle.

  She sighs and turns back around, and the gaunt appearance continues on her face. “This is a really shitty time for me to be doing this, but I can’t stay here and help you without getting this all of my chest. I’m sorry for blaming Marek and you for me getting fired. I jumped to conclusions and it wasn’t fair for me to put you in that position. I’m a shitty human being and I don’t even know why you’re letting me help you.”

  Tinley’s more concerned about her best friend’s appearance rather than an apology right now. “I appreciate your apology, but I’m sorry, I’m a little confused about where all of this is coming from. I’m more concerned about you right now. Are you okay? What’s going on?”

  “I’m fine, just a little stressed. I haven’t really been sleeping as much lately, but it’s mostly because I’ve felt like complete shit. I treated you horribly and I’ve been trying to figure out how to apologize to you. My blog…Marek didn’t leak the information to the bosses at work. Hell, I don’t even know if he knew about it, but that doesn’t even matter anymore.”

  The blog—of course that’s what all of this is about. She didn’t understand why Dakota got so angry when she did because there’s no way Marek would have done something like that. Dakota always thought he was a jerk and Tinley went along with it until she actually got to know him and found out the truth for herself—but if it wasn’t Marek, then who? “Okay, so then who did?”

  “When’s the last time you were on social media?”

  This whole conversation is going to give her whiplash with the constant flip-flopping. If anything, it’s starting to give her a headache and make her nauseous. “Why does it matter when I last updated my status? I think there are more important things going on than that right now.”

  “C’mon Tinley, just think about it, please? When was it?”

  Sitting back on the couch, Tinley relaxes and actually thinks about it, really considers when it was. It takes her minute to realize it, and then it’s like a light bulb going off. “Fine. I haven’t really been on it lately. I think it was actually before Marek and I started dating.”

  Dakota can’t even hide the shock on her face. Her mouth falls open and her eyes almost bug out of her head. Probably wasn’t the answer she was expecting at all. “Okay, wow. That’s quite the hiatus for you.”

  And she isn’t wrong. Tinley was always glued to her cell phone before. Her entire social life consisted of pretending like she had one by posting funny pictures or her new cupcake invention. And as bad as it sounds she was even known to Photoshop herself into stock photos from different landscapes. Not her finest moment, but now that she thinks about it, it’s absolutely ridiculous. What a waste of time.

  “I know, right? It’s like I’m becoming an adult. Fitting, right? I actually make changes and become an adult and my life goes to shit.” Complete and utter disaster. Where are you Marek?

  “You don’t know that. You’ll get your happily ever after—I know you will.”

  “How can you think that? You hate Marek.” Dakota stays silent for a few moments and things get awkward. She probably shouldn’t have said that. Shaking her head, Tinley says, “We’re getting sidetracked here. What does social media have to do with anything?”

  Her focus returns to Tinley as if she was off somewhere else completely, and once again, Tinley finds herself worried about her friend—or former friend. She’s not really sure what she can call her anymore or at least right now, but she hopes they can return to what they once were.

  “Right. So, I need to give you a little backstory. Do you remember that trip I took semi-recently and didn’t give you all the details about?”

  Trip? It takes her minute to think back to what she would be referring to. It hasn’t been that long since they stopped living together, but long enough that her pregnancy brain gives her pause. “The weekend trip when you flew somewhere? I came home from work and you were gone and sent me a vague text about leaving for the weekend.”

  Nodding her head, she says, “One and the same. I was flying to New York to meet with an agent.”

  If she was confused before, now she’s even more confused about where this conversation is going. She feels like things are spinning once again, and if Dakota doesn’t just get to the point, it’s going to make her go crazy. “What, like for acting?”

  “No, like for book writing,” Dakota says as she releases a small chuckle. When Tinley offers her nothing more than a blank face, Dakota continues, “An agent reached out to me because he found my blog and wanted to talk to me about pitching my idea to publishers. I guess he was really excited about my writing and wanted to snatch me up before anyone else did, so it was the whole wine-and-dine experience. Honestly, the whole thing was a little weird, and I had no idea what I was walking into.”

  How far detached have they become? In their previous lives, Dakota would have told Tinley everything, all about the blog, and forget about telling her about the agent—they would
have gone to New York together, had an entire story about their shenanigans and something they could have looked back on, but then things between them became distant, and it started with the blog. Now that she thinks about it, Dakota started pulling away even before Tinley started dating Marek. It’s something that has been slowly happening, and she doesn’t even know why.

  “Okay. So did the agent tell somebody at our work? That sounds strange—how exactly did the information get out?”

  Dakota shakes her head and says, “Well, he didn’t talk to me about it first, but he leaked my blog to QuickFeed and they picked it up. Apparently the post went viral, big time, and people at work found out. From reading my blog it was an easy search to go back through the chat and email conversations and narrow it down to me. I guess I was a little too detailed and they fired me. I wouldn’t be surprised if other call centers were checking their chat logs to make sure it wasn’t one of their employees.”

  “Shit.”

  “Yeah.”

  Okay, so she got fired, but don’t publishers give major advances and stuff like that? It seems like authors can make the big bucks when stuff like this happens, New York Times Bestseller status and all that. Tinley couldn’t even imagine writing anything, let alone an entire novel, but it’s got to be pretty lucrative. Not everyone is a writer, right? “So what does that mean? What’s happening with your blog? Did you get a publishing deal and all that?”

  “I don’t really know, to be honest with you. I met with the agent and that was kind of it. He discussed the potential contracts he could get me and talked a lot about numbers. It was all very sales-y and felt like he was just trying to get a signature on a piece of paper. Then again, I could be wrong, because I don’t know how any of it works. I told him I would think about it and that was kind of how I left things. Then I got fired. So getting back to him hasn’t been in the front of my mind right now, although maybe it should be with my lack of income and all.”

  This is not what she expected at all—any of it, really. It makes sense why Dakota freaked out about losing her job, though. You don’t usually quit your job when you just have a potential prospect rather than a for-sure thing—at least that’s not what responsible people do, and Dakota has always been the one with her shit together between the two of them.

  Their argument went down months ago; Tinley was still barely showing at that point, and that begs the question of what the hell Dakota’s been doing this entire time. “What about work? What have you been doing? Where have you been living?”

  Dakota gets back up from the couch and bows her head as she walks away toward the window. This isn’t a side of her Tinley thought she would ever see. Dakota never lets anything get to her. She’s always been the strong one in their friendship. “I haven’t been working. Honestly, I’ve just been wallowing. I’m a thirty-something woman who has no degree, is jobless, and is currently living with her parents. I’m essentially proving the generalization right about millennials, and it fucking sucks.”

  “Don’t even say that. This is just a setback. Just because things are shitty now doesn’t mean this is how things will be forever. Dakota, I know you. You’re resilient and don’t put up with anyone’s shit. The way I see it, the situation is crappy and you’re in a funk, but do not—and I repeat, do not let this define you. You’re better than that damn job, and you and I both know that. Use this chance to finally go for what you want.”

  “Easier said than done,” she says under her breath with a release of air. It was so quiet Tinley almost wonders if she imagined it.

  She stands looking out the window without turning around and focuses on nothing in particular. Marek’s house is a little farther out of town and there aren’t neighbors super close by, so there can’t be much going on outside right now. As much as Tinley doesn’t want to talk about it, she doesn’t know when they’ll get this chance again and knows she better keep the dialogue going while she can. She relaxes back into the sofa, suddenly feeling a slight cramping in her lower back, and she sighs as the memory foam pillows form to her body. She never realized the beating her body would go through while growing a tiny human. Tara never mentioned anything about the aches and pains, not to mention the loss of bladder control. Her sister is a rock star, that’s for sure.

  Tinley closes her eyes and brings her legs up to rest on the couch. She stretches out completely and gets comfortable, wishing she could get a back massage right about now. If Marek were here, he would no doubt be giving her one, which brings her thoughts right back to where they should be. “Can I ask you something else?”

  Dakota shrugs but doesn’t turn back around to face Tinley, just says, “Sure, what do you want to know?”

  Tinley pauses, because this is the awkward part of the conversation she didn’t want to have. Even so, she’s just going to have to suck it up and ask.

  Chapter Five

  After a deep breath to slightly delay the inevitable, she asks, “Promise you won’t get mad at me? I don’t want to upset you or anything.”

  That causes Dakota to turn around and really study the look on Tinley’s face. She walks back toward the couch and takes a seat on the other end, near Tinley’s feet. Her look is of complete sincerity when she says, “Of course. I want our friendship to go back to where it was. I want my best friend back. I honestly don’t think anything you could say to me right now would cause me to get mad at you.”

  “Why do you hate Marek so much?”

  Dakota’s mouth falls open and she sits up. “I don’t hate—”

  “Cut the crap, Dakota.” Tinley releases a little bit of anger she didn’t realize she was holding in. Her best friend caused this rift in their relationship over a man who never did anything wrong. All he ever did was work his ass off to provide for his daughter and love Tinley with all of his heart. The animosity Dakota harbors toward him isn’t warranted as far as Tinley is concerned. “You have some serious anger toward him and I want to know why.”

  Dakota starts to get up from the couch again but instead turns to look away from Tinley. She is so completely lost about everything, and Tinley can feel it. A single tear drips down her face and she says, “It’s not about Marek.”

  Not about Marek? How could it not be about Marek? Dakota has always hated him. From the moment they started working at the call center together, she would always complain about the dickbag with the even worse name, but there never really seemed to be a reason she disliked him so much. Tinley shakes her head and says, “I don’t even know what that means.”

  “It’s stupid and makes absolutely no sense. You know how, when I came to see you at Tara’s house after you found out about Marek’s daughter, I made that dumb comment about Marek having sex with you and leaving?”

  Remember? She doesn’t think she could ever forget that comment because it made her realize how wrong Dakota had been. She’s always been a pretty good judge of character, which is why Tinley went along with her opinions for so long and never questioned them, but this time she was so far from the truth about things. “I believe your exact words were ‘hump and dump’, but what does that have to do with anything?”

  “I’m getting to that. Remember the summer after our freshman year when I went on that trip with my family? We both were so mad because your mom wouldn’t let you come with me and my parents wouldn’t let me stay with you?”

  “Yeah…” She trails off, confused about the direction this conversation is taking, and she sits up a little bit straighter. Does Dakota actually know Marek better than Tinley thinks? “You went away, and when you came back, things were different. You refused to tell me what happened or what was wrong with you. You just kept telling me everything was fine and said you had an ‘enlightening’ summer, whatever the hell that meant.”

  “Well it’s safe to say I’m a big fat liar and everything was not fine. I should have let you in and told you what happened, but all I wanted to do was put it all behind me and move on, just ignore it all—not that that helped me a
nyway.”

  “Will you just spit it out already? What aren’t you telling me?”

  Dakota shrugs and her voice comes out quiet as she says, “I fell in love on my family vacation.”

  Tinley can’t help the laugh she releases. Dakota in love? That’s not even a possibility. “You’ve never been in love. In fact, you don’t even believe in love.”

  “There’s a reason for that, and it’s that summer. I fell in love for the first time and refused to ever let myself feel that way again.”

  That causes Tinley to pull herself together. What would make Dakota change her personality altogether in just a few short months? “Why? I mean, what could possibly have happened to make you feel that way? Before you left, we were always so happy and had so much fun. I’m not saying we didn’t enjoy ourselves when you got back, but everything was different. You were different, and I had no idea why.”

  “During our stay at the lake house, I spent a lot of time by myself. My parents were off drinking and partying with their friends too much to pay any attention to me. One night, I stole a bottle of something strong and snuck out to the dock—not that I really had to do much sneaking since everyone was beyond blitzed out of their mind. If you had been there it would have been a lot more fun, that’s for sure.”

  Yep, that pretty much sounds like Dakota’s parents. Tinley remembers how, growing up, whenever they wanted to go to parties or do things her mom would say no and give her a speech about getting drunk and pregnant while still in high school so, she would stay the night at Dakota’s house. They were pretty lax in the actual parenting department in the sense that they didn’t actually do it. She honestly doesn’t know why they had a child in the first place because they were more concerned with continuing the lifestyle they were used to.