Wrestling With God

by Hanley, Don;

  Chapter 11

  REBECCA

  I was running through the desert and all the Joe Carson victims I'd interviewed—Chad, Richy, Susan, Ruth, and Debbie—were all chasing me. They all looked terrifyingly ghoulish as they snarled and shouted, "Ya can't run forever, bitch; we'll catch ya and kill you." Ruth added, "And mebbe we'll eat ya, too." And she laughed hideously. I was running after a black-cloaked monster twice as tall as me. I stumbled and fell. All the hideous ghosts pounced on me. I screamed, "Get away from me! Don't touch me! "

  "Mom, wake up, Mom, it's just me, Julie."

  I opened my eyes and tried to take a deep breath. I breathlessly said, "Oh, hi, baby, thank God it's you, Julie." I had a hard time getting the words out. I sounded mush-mouthed. Then I saw Jerry on my left side. He bent down and kissed me on the lips. "Oh, sorry," it sounded like, 'Osh, shorry,' but I continued in my slurry way, "God I'm so glad to see you two. You rescued me from a bunch of ghoulish ghosts who were chasing me. I think they are some of the people I've been talking to. This is the first time I've been awake. I'm in a hospital bed somewhere, aren't I?" My right arm was ace-bandaged to my body and my head felt like it was in a vice.

  Jerry answered, "Yes, you're in Mercy Hospital in Coleman, Illinois.

  "Oh, Mom, you look dreadful and sound terrible. But I'm still happy to see you. When we got the phone call, we were so worried. They just said you were in the hospital and out of Intensive Care. That didn't tell us much. So, my God, what happened?" Julie tried to give me a hug from my bandaged side and pain shot through my entire right side and especially my shoulder. I screamed. Julie jumped back, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I didn't want to hurt you."

  I reached out with my left hand and took her hand, "No problem, sweetie, I didn't mean to scare you to death either. I guess you got your answer about how I am. I'm fragile." My mouth felt like I had swallowed a bucket of sand. I croaked, "Would you please give me some water?"

  Jerry held a glass up and put the straw in my mouth. "We just got here a few minutes ago.

  "What do you know about what happened? Oh, and how's April?"

  "We don't know much at all and April was crying her eyes out as we left. But Ruth and Dan McGuire were there, so she's in good hands. And you must be really important, because Julie here missed basketball practice to come with me."

  "And would you believe it, this big dummy wanted me to stay home and take care of April ... as if he could keep me away. So, back to you, tell us what happened." Julie let a few tears trickle down her cheeks.

  I shared with them what I remembered about Chad and his grandma, especially Chad's meltdown when he started talking about Father Joe Carson. One thing that irritated the hell out of me was that grandma was more concerned about the possibility of Chad being a homosexual than that he had been molested. I was just finishing my narration when a nurse came in and said, "A police detective is here to see you, Rebecca. Is it okay for him to come in now?"

  I asked Julie if I looked presentable because Jerry would have said I looked gorgeous no matter what. "You look like you just got run over by a truck, if that's presentable." She giggled and brought out a brush from her purse and gently brushed my hair. She tugged at the hospital gown and said, "There, now you look like it was just a small truck."

  A pudgy, middle-aged detective walked in. Jerry asked if they should leave and he shook his head. He held out his hand and said, "Good evening, Ms. Brady. I'm Sergeant George Stevens. Do you prefer Ms. Brady or Rebecca?" I shook his hand and told him that Rebecca was fine. I introduced Julie and Jerry. After limply shaking my proffered guests' hands, Sergeant Stevens looked too sleepy to know what was going on, but he said, "Please tell me what happened at the Bostick apartment that sent you to the hospital."

  I told him what happened before I fell down the stairs and passed out.

  "Now, did the young man, Chad, deliberately push you down the stairs?"

  "I'm not sure, but I don't think he intentionally pushed me down the stairs. He may have just bumped me as we were both trying to get out of the door at the same time. I really don't know."

  "Do you wish to file assault charges against Chad?"

  "I hadn't even thought about it. Where is he now?"

  "He's in the county jail. We can release him this evening if you believe that it was just an accident. Does Chad have any reason to wish you harm, Rebecca?"

  "No, I really don't think so. He was really upset while we were talking but he didn't seem to be angry with me but about the person we were talking about. So no, I do not want to file charges against him. I'm sure he will not try to hurt me in any way."

  Julie shouted, "Mom, he nearly killed you. What do you mean, you're sure he did not try to hurt you. You were nearly killed. Come on, Mom, think about it."

  Sergeant Stevens said, "I tend to agree with your daughter, Rebecca. This is serious. What were you and Chad taking about?"

  "I would like to keep that confidential, Detective Stevens. I'm sure Chad was not angry at me but about the person we were talking about. His grandmother said he always got upset when he was talking about that person." Wanting to distract him, I asked, "And how is Chad's grandmother?"

  "She seems fine. She is the one who called the ambulance and paramedics. A paramedic called the police station. She's a gentle soul, but I think she's really as tough as nails." He closed his little notebook and stuck it in his coat pocket. "Well, Rebecca, I'm reluctant to close the file on Mr. Chad Bostick, but if you honestly believe he really did not intend harm to you, I guess I have to. So you're sure that is okay? "

  Before I could respond, Jerry interrupted us, "Wait a minute, Sergeant. Don't be too quick to close this case." He turned to me, "Rebecca, I think he can leave the case open so that we, all of us, the police, the grandma, and even the boy himself can feel that everyone is safe. What do you say?"

  "Well, as I told the sergeant, I do think that it is okay for my safety and grandma has been living with this disturbed boy for quite a while. So, what do you think, Sergeant?" My voice had cleared up. I think that made me sound more credible.

  He pulled out his card and put it on the night stand and said, "I'll just put the file in my drawer for now. If you hear of anything that could help the boy or his grandmother, let me know. Chad sounds like a rather sick lad. I hope he gets some medical help."

  "I hope he does too. Thanks for checking into this for me, Sergeant." I exhaled loudly when the policeman left and I turned my attention to my more welcome visitors. "I'm so happy to see you two. And thank you, Julie, for skipping practice and coming to see me."

  "Well, I'm certainly glad to see you sitting up and being so bright. Have they checked for a possible concussion?" Jerry definitely looked concerned, and that was strangely comforting to me.

  "They did check my head and said there was no sign of a concussion, but I still have a bit of a headache." That was a terrible understatement but I hate pity, so I would rather lie.

  "Did you find out about the young man's relationship with Father Carson?" Jerry asked.

  "His grandmother told me a little before Chad came out of his room. She told me her grandson was usually quiet and a well-mannered boy, but he would get upset whenever that priest's name came up. I asked her about Father Joe and Chad and she said that it all started when Chad first moved in with her and had just begun high school. She said it was kinda like a dating situation. The priest would pick him up and they'd go someplace and after a few hours, Chad was back in the house. This went on for over a year and Chad would never tell her anything about what they did together. One day Chad came back in tears but would only say that the priest didn't ever want to see him again and he didn't know why. Grandma said that Chad's father left his mother when the boy was only a toddler. His mother, her daughter, was very strict with Chad and when he was a teenager he kept running away, so grandma volunteered to take care of him.

  We talked a bit longer about my fall and then I said, "You know, I think I just had a kin
d of an 'Ah, ha' moment. I keep thinking about the young man, and the two young women I interviewed. All three have been living in a hell caused by that miserable priest. In the dream you woke me up from, I was running after a super-tall man in black and I, in turn, was being chased by all six of the victims who had demonic faces. They had just caught me when I screamed. I guess that was the scream you guys heard. You know, Jerry, that song you often sing around the house ... the one about dreaming the impossible dream?" He nodded and I went on, "I guess I went into their hell with them since I've been unconscious here in the hospital. There is the line in there that says something about we must be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause. Remember?" Jerry nodded. "I guess I've marched into hell. And my project for helping get that priest in prison is a heavenly cause. You think?"

  Before he could say anything, I continued: "Now Chad and a lot of people that priest touched don't have the strength to bear unbearable sorrow, as the song says. Some don't even want to try and they are the people everyone fears and hates. But with Chad and others like him, he never experienced the kind of support he needed early in life. His grandmother came into his life late and she couldn't do it all by herself, and then along came this asshole, Joe Carson, who acted like he cared, used Chad, and then threw him out of his life. Chad falls apart when he even thinks about that damned guy."

  Julie, still looking puzzled, said, "But, Mom, I still don't understand how this was an 'Ah, ha' moment for you."

  "Well, lots of ways, I think. I think we'll have to talk about that later. I'm feeling real woozy right now. Maybe later. Okay?"

  Jerry said, "I love your interpretation and let's do talk about it later. Here's one thought about the song though, and it's this: It is too intense. There is no joy in it. I would change a couple of lines in it, like instead of, 'To be better by far than you are,' to, 'Be better by far than you were taught, or thought.' At the end, I would say, 'And my heart will lie peaceful and still when I lay down to rest,' rather than, 'when they lay me to rest.' I don't want to die before I can rest."

  I said, "That's for damn sure. Maybe you should adopt that song for your team working on the prison reform project." Just then my cell rang. Julie dug around in the night stand and found it. She held it out for me and I took it with my left hand. "Hello, this is Rebecca Brady." I sounded woozy even to myself.

  "Hi, Rebecca. This is Maria Sorrel. You sound like you're in the bottom of a barrel or something. Where are you? I hope I didn't wake you up."

  "Hi, Maria. No, you didn't wake me but I'm a bit fuzzy because I'm in the hospital and I just took a pain pill and it's just now kicking in."

  "Oh, my God, what happened?" I gave her a brief and simple version of what happened and she said, "I'm sorry to hear that you are hurt. Are you in Mercy hospital here in Coleman?"

  "Yes, I'm sure I will be checking out in the morning. I pulled my shoulder out of place and broke a small bone in my upper arm, but I'm okay. You called to tell me something else, I'm sure."

  "Of course, maybe someday our relationship will change and I will just call to see how many stairs you've fallen down today." I managed to chuckle and she went on. "I learned of another possible lead for you, want to hear it now or do you want to wait?" I said 'now' and she went on.

  When I shut off the phone I said to Jerry and Julie, "Well, my friend here in Coleman found another crime committed by our priest 'friend'. This one was more recent than all the others. It involves a twelve-year-old child in Belleville, where Father Joe is presently living. Again it is a boy or girl, she wasn't sure which, living with his or her single mother in a run-down mobile home just outside of town." I ended by saying, "So, we have another misadventure by my person of interest."

  "You mean your criminal bastard," Julie responded.

  "And you don't plan to investigate this new one on this trip, right?" said Jerry. "You know, if I leave now, I can get back to St. Louis by midnight. Julie, why don't you stay here with your mom and you can drive her and her car back in the morning or whenever they release her. What do you say?"

  "That's fine with me," Julie responded.

  I added, "You know, Julie, this will be the first time I've taken a long ride with you, sweetheart. And it has been a long time since we've had some time together, just you and me."

  Julie said, "And, it's about time. I just don't know what I'm going to do with you two. First Dad goes to prison and now you get knocked down the stairs by a young maniac." She put her hands on her hips like a scolding parent. She then smiled, "And on our trip, you can tell me more about your impossible dream and how it applies to me, or you, or Dad."

  "Well, I do know that we've all been through several hells."

  I called the night nurse and asked her if Julie could sleep in the empty bed in my room and she said yes.

  Jerry hugged and kissed us and said as he left, "May both of you sleep in the arms of Morpheus."

  Julie asked, "Who is Morpheus?"

  Jerry said, "Look it up."

  Chapter 12

  JERRY

  While hile Rebecca was working on Jack's project, and getting herself into the hospital, she did take a break and attended a workshop for the whole prison reform team. Before the workshop, she informed everyone that she was going to limit herself to writing the articles for us. I pushed to have us enlist the services of another woman to work with Jack, J.J. and me. Through my personal life and work with Rebecca, I have become convinced that all men needed to be open to women in order to truly reform their lives and to get in touch with their "true selves." I didn't have to work too hard to convince Dan, Henry, and Jack on this, so we'd have the best prison reform team.

  J.J. and I got to work finding someone before our team-building workshop began. J.J. and I had selected Sonia Torres after interviewing four female doctoral students. Sonia liked the idea of our project and, having worked with the families of many inmates, definitely hoped the program would be a success. She was warm, confident and compassionate. She was as beautiful as J.J. and I told Rebecca that J.J. reminded me of Halle Berry and Sonia of Penelope Cruz. Rebecca said that if I hit on either one of them, she'd kick my ass. I'm sure she would. Sonia was the third oldest in a family with ten children and stated that her mother had enough children for both of them. She had a live-in boyfriend of eleven years and was happy with the arrangement.

  Sonia and I were awaiting the arrival of Jim Waters, one of the inmates Jack Carroll had counseled and whom Jack thought might make a good counselor for the prison project. They all had completed the two attitude and aptitude surveys that J.J. and Sonia had administered while I was in prison. Other than the survey scores and Jack's recommendation, all we knew was that Jim Waters had served five of his thirty-year sentence for second-degree murder. He had been convicted of killing a man he believed had molested his daughter.

  Jack and J.J. were waiting in another room for their first interviewee. Today, each team would see eight men and then conduct a second interview with the other team's eight. Tomorrow we'd interview the second group of eight. We wanted to come up with at least twelve possible counselor trainees.

  Mike Wood, our room guard for the day, seemed relaxed. He had mentioned that the inmates we'd see today should be a peaceful bunch as they had all been vetted by Jack and the women. There was a knock on the door. I opened the door and introduced myself to Jim Waters. Jim was a 41- year-old Caucasian, nearly as tall as me, and physically fit. He did not smile but did not frown either. His 'default face' was neutral. I introduced him to Sonia and the three of us sat down in the desk chairs with rollers. I had placed the chairs so that our heads would not be further than six feet apart.

  I began. "First, Jim, thank you for being willing to join us for this interview. After you see Sonia and me, you will see Jack Carroll and J.J. Jackson. The four of us need to agree that we believe a man is a likely candidate for our counselor training program. So, talk to us."

  Jim gave us a bit of a smile, rolled his chair a few inche
s back, and said, "I won't get kicked out if I say I didn't like you all?" He looked confident and poised, but not cocky. In street clothes, he could be seen as a teacher or almost any kind of professional, but not a prison inmate.

  Sonia said, "I, personally, will be disappointed but I'm sure you won't get kicked out. I'm not sure what we'd do with you. So, is that true?"

  He chuckled, "No, it's not true. Y'all sounded like real folks. That's the first time I've heard any kind of authorities talk like that since I was first arrested. Jack Carroll was the only exception, but he wasn't in authority. Most everybody treats us like we were some kind of wild animals, maybe like rabid dogs. So your talk helped me feel better than I have in a long time. So, is that what you want to know?"

  I responded, "Yes, that is part of it. To see how much you paid attention, please tell Sonia and me what you remember from our talks, like what impressed you most."

  "Jerry, I'm glad that you told us that you were a priest and that you left for two reasons; one, because you were tired of having people treat you as a role rather than a person. Second, I liked that you said you fell in love with Rebecca and wanted to get married—and you emphasized that it wasn't just because you were horny. Oh, and I liked the joke about the kindergarten kids not being able to name the picture of the deer and when the teacher asked the kids what their moms called their dads when he was being affectionate, one little girl said, 'I know. It's a horny bastard.' We sure need some humor in this place."

  "And, Miss Sonia, I liked that you started with the fact that you were a bit scared of speaking to an all-male group, because I was a bit scared too, when I first started talking here, now. And when you said you wanted to sound like you were intelligent but not a know-it-all. I was sitting next to a Mexican fellow and he whispered, 'She's really good, you know?' I agreed with him. You come across like you really want to get to know us and let us get to know you. And I really like that. And I like that Martin Buber guy and his 'I-thou' idea. I do think everyone needs to be treated with respect ... even us prisoners. Wow, are we ever treated like 'Its' in this place by everybody, but mostly by the guards. Pardon my language, but the guards' main terms for us is 'assholes' and 'jerk-offs' and a number of other crude terms.