Wrestling With God

by Hanley, Don;

  "I think that the greatest gift Kathy gave me was that she helped me to appreciate the love that has been given to me by my mom and my dad. I was about Kathy's age when I escaped, with my biological mom, from a maniacal and abusive step-dad. My now dad—hmmm, now-dad, that sounds weird--Jerry Haloran, brought me and Mom to St. Louis from Kansas. And Rebecca took us in and found a place to live and then a short while later my then-mom got sick and died. Long story short, Rebecca, my now-mom, and Jerry got married and adopted me. Now I live in love and the Bible says that those who live in love live in God and God lives in them. So Kathy did live in love for a few months at least and I'm certain that she is now with God. So thank all of you for coming to Kathy's funeral today and to help us to celebrate Kathy's life and love. Uh, thank you."

  Father Wayne continued with the Mass and when it came time for Communion, he invited everyone present, Catholic or not, to please take Communion with us, as a sign of our love and connection. We had a reception at our home after the burial and many of those at the funeral joined us. Both Julie and I got many plaudits for our eulogies.

  The surprising guest at the funeral, Jerry's younger brother, Jason, came to the house. He looked a lot like Jerry except he wore a very expensive suit and weighed about thirty pounds more. Another distinguishing factor was his eyes. He had what Richy Quinn would call 'hard eyes.' He wandered around the house and, seemingly admired what he saw. He repeatedly told me how he had told Jerry not to become a priest because he'd never make any money, and he made my blood boil when he said, "I'm glad my brother left that damn priesthood and married a broad who had some money." We had sent him an announcement of our wedding and we got back a plain card with two words, 'Congrats, Jason.' I thought the group was quite cordial but Jason didn't seem to make contact with anyone. I guessed he was assessing everything and everyone present in a negative light. I found out he was a hedge-fund trader and worked for one of the big banks in New York. I wanted to know what exactly a hedge-fund was, but he wasn't the kind of person you'd want to show the least bit of weakness or ignorance.

  I was talking with the girls' basketball coach when Julie took my hand and motioned for me to follow her. I excused myself and went with Julie to the kitchen. She whispered, "Mom, Dad's brother put his hand up my skirt and grabbed my bottom when I was in the hall. I want to kill him."

  I was aghast, but did not yell what I felt but I simply whispered back, "That sonofabitch! Julie, tell your dad as soon as you can, please." We left the kitchen and I saw Julie looking for Jerry.

  I saw Jerry standing near the front door and talking to Jason. I could tell that Jerry was getting angry at his brother. I thought Julie would wait but she went right up to her dad and touched his arm. He bent down and she whispered in his ear. Jerry bent down even more and straightened up so fast he was nearly a blur as he hit Jason so hard in the face everyone in the room could hear his fist crack the bones in his head. Jason's blood spurted out like a full force faucet and he literally went flying out through the screen door, bounced on the porch and sprawled out onto the sidewalk.

  Jerry was as angry as he had been at Joe Carroll. He was massaging his right hand as I went to him and gave him a hug. Julie rushed over and hugged us both. Jerry muttered to us, "I guess my elephant went wild ... I didn't give myself time to wrestle with God. But, I'm not sorry." He turned toward our guests and said, "I apologize for this disturbance, folks. I guess I'm feeling a bit frazzled the last few days and my brother there ." he motioned toward the front door ... "condemned me for defending our mother and said our mother deserved the beatings our dad gave her. I just lost it ... and I think he deserved it." He shrugged his shoulders and took my hand. He whispered to me, "He did say that before Julie told me about his molesting her."

  I asked Dave Lawson to check to see if Jason needed an ambulance. I looked out of the broken screen door and saw him using his cell. Only a few minutes later an ambulance arrived. Dave told me that Jason was still unconscious, but breathing. Dave said Jason could have Jerry arrested for assault, so I told him about Julie's report of the sexual assault. The detective then said Jason would probably not take the risk of reporting Jerry's assault and perhaps, we should report Jason. I hoped Jerry didn't kill him—for all our sakes.

  Chapter 36

  JERRY

  "Rebecca, why don't you sit in the front seat with me? Jack can sit in back."

  "Jack can have the front seat—his legs are longer. And I don't care if this looks too traditional and male chauvinist." We had this discussion before and I wanted to see her reaction.

  Jack chuckled and said, "We men need to sit in front because we're more important anyway."

  J.J. smacked him on his ear. "Keep talking like that, old man, and you'll be looking for someone else to marry and take your gaff."

  "Well, I'm glad we only have a two-hour ride to Belleville to put up with you all," Rebecca said and laughed. "I'm glad you two are coming along. I didn't tell Bishop Rider that you would be joining us but I'm sure he'll be okay with it. How do you feel about your brother's death, Jack?"

  Jack loosened his seat belt and turned so he could more easily communicate with Rebecca and J.J. "You, know, Rebecca, I feel relieved by it. I had been dreading the prospect of reading all about his trial and the testimony of all those poor children who had been hurt by him. I mourn for them, not him. I do sometimes wonder if there is something I could have done to help him be more at home with himself when we were kids. But, hell, I was just a dumb kid and hated him and his scruples when we were tweens and adolescents. I still would like to know why he went off the deep end and became a pedophile. Do you think he really believed he was loving them when he began the relationships with those kids?"

  J.J. replied, "I don't think he was capable of loving anyone. Look at the way he treated you and your mother—especially your mother. He completely ignored her his entire adult life. That is so wrong and pathological."

  "I agree. What little I saw of him makes me think that there just was no tie between his mind and his heart. He fit the definition of 'heartless'." Rebecca shook her head.

  I nodded and added, "I just can't imagine planning for days and weeks on a way to seduce and then have sex with a child—boy or girl—and he sought out both."

  "And I'm sure it took an awful lot of planning and it went on for years. And he kept it all hidden so well." Jack shook his head and added, "What a bastard."

  "Let's change the subject. J.J., tell us about your kids and tell us when we can get to spend more time with them," Rebecca asked.

  "They are great kids and I hope they stay that way when they get to junior high and high school. And they love Jack and feel so at home with him, they call him 'cracker' when they tease him - especially when he asks what they think is a dumb question about some black entertainer. They'll say, 'Don't you know anything, Cracker?' We all laugh—even Jack. You'll get some time with them soon, I promise."

  At 10 a.m., I stopped in front of a beautiful ranch-style house in a nice neighborhood in Belleville. I parked at the curb. J.J. said, "I thought bishops lived in mansions. Is this Bishop Rider's place?"

  "This is the right address, so I'm sure it is. The Cardinal Archbishop of Chicago lives in a mansion; this small diocese has a small house for its bishop," I said as I opened the door for Rebecca and Jack opened the door for J.J.

  Bishop Mark Rider, a fairly tall, heavy-set man with gray hair and a balding pate, met us at the door and took Rebecca's hand in both of his, and said, "It is so good to see you again, Rebecca." Taking my hand, he said, "And you must be Jerry Haloran. Welcome." He shook Jack's hand. "Jack, again, I had to remind myself that Joe had a twin brother. I'm glad you could join us, I meant to call you and then forgot." Looking at J.J., he murmured, "And you are?"

  Jack introduced J.J. "Bishop, this is J.J. Jackson, my fiancée and one of our prison reform team members. I believe I mentioned the team when we first met."

  Bishop Rider ushered us into the living room and w
e set in a semi-circle in front of the unlit fireplace. "I understand that three of you are involved in counseling and psychology, all except Rebecca. I hope you can give me some ideas about Father Joe Carroll that could help me, and perhaps other bishops and seminary administrators, identify or profile possible pedophiles. First, Jack, as his brother and also a student of human behavior in prison, what are some of your ideas?"

  Jack cleared his throat and said, "Believe me, Bishop, I've given this a lot of thought since I first learned of Joe's crimes. As you may recall, I hadn't seen Joe since we were twenty years old. I saw him for the first time in all those years when I was with Rebecca the day he was arrested. We were the best of buddies until we began adolescence. He became super scrupulous about nearly everything, especially about sex. He condemned me for making out with a girl. I even busted him in the jaw once for telling me that God would punish me in hell if I didn't stop.

  "So, Bishop, I would say, for one thing, keep a close watch on those students who seem too scrupulous and perfectionistic. Secondly, I would say that the Church should develop a very comprehensive sex education program for all children and adults. The program should include understanding our emotions, love, physical development, and how to choose life-giving ways of relating to others—both male and female. Right now, at the age of 40, I am learning how to relate to this beautiful woman here." J.J. seemed a bit embarrassed and blushed.

  Jack went on, "When I was a student, we only heard about what was sinful and that's all. I doubt that it has changed that much. Oh, and for God's sake—and everyone's sake—change the teachings on masturbation, homosexuality, and birth control. The Church is so out of date. On identifying sexual predators, I'm not sure it is possible."

  Bishop Rider nodded wisely and I am sure he didn't agree with Jack on his latter recommendations. "Thank you, Jack. On the changes on the teachings you mentioned, you sound like your friend, Jerry, here. You do know that he was exiled to a tiny parish for saying just what you just did."

  Jack looked startled and stammered, "No, uh, Bishop, I didn't know that. But if he did suggest that, it makes me an even greater admirer of his work and thought. And I'm happy that I am in agreement with him."

  "Well, let's not argue about these things. Jack, I am interested in your own story. You were in prison. Why were you in prison?"

  "I killed my father, Bishop."

  Bishop Rider lurched back, like he had been hit by lightning. "Oh, my. Uh, please tell me about that. And I'm sure you have repented that."

  "Repented? No, Bishop, I cannot say that I am sorry for killing that man. I felt like I should have done it earlier and saved my younger sister's life as well as a great deal of pain our mother had to endure. Dad raped my sister and repeatedly beat our mother until she was bleeding and three times went to the hospital. The police did nothing, nor did the parish priest. I did take the law into my own hands at the time. I am against killing now, but at that time, I believe that I did the best that I could. I have paid a price and have learned a great deal over these twenty years of prison. And that brings up one more thing, Bishop. The Church needs to do more to teach everyone, from kindergartener through the senior years, the value of love and how to love others and ourselves." The three of us clapped for Jack. Bishop Rider looked puzzled.

  "Well, uh, thank you, Jack, for confiding in us. That is a very sad story." Bishop Rider seemed to be in a hurry to get away from the topic, but had one more question for Jack. "Jack, why do you think you have turned out so differently from your brother Joe?"

  Jack looked over at me and our female companions, then asked, "Do you think I should tell him about wrestling?"

  "Sure, you know I like it. Perhaps Bishop Mark will also." Rebecca and J.J. agreed.

  "When Jerry asked me that question several months ago, I said it was because I had spent twenty years wrestling with God about everything—especially about what I should or should not do about things. Looking back, Bishop, I think I 'wrestled with God' about killing our dad ... before and after. Joe didn't do that; he just followed the Church's laws and rules. At the time, I was just learning about his being a sexual predator, but even then, he followed the rules on everything else, I think."

  Bishop Rider looked thoughtful, and muttered, "Well, that is very interesting. Hmmm, wrestling with God, interesting thought. So, Jack, you think we should just ignore the Church's traditional moral teachings and just wrestle with our own consciousness?"

  "No, not at all, Bishop. I believe we should know the teachings and then decide what we believe is the most life-giving action to take at a particular time, when we have to make a decision. Sometimes it is easy, sometimes it will take a lot of wrestling. To slavishly follow rules could be wrong, I believe."

  Bishop Rider did seem to be sincere when he said, "I'll be thinking about that for a while, I'm sure." He turned to Rebecca and said, "So, Rebecca, let us hear from you. Although you are not professionally involved in psychology, I very much admire your insights and ability to understand human behavior. What would you recommend?"

  "I agree with Jack on nearly everything. The one thing I would challenge him on is this: I think we can learn to identify those who have learned to love and are continuing to grow in a loving way and those who do not and are not interested in such growth." The bishop leaned forward and appeared very interested. "When I hear Jerry and his close friend, Father Wayne Cameron, talk about their seminary training, it seems that the emphasis was on conformity and obedience to rules, rather than on love and personal spiritual development.

  "It is interesting to me that our lovely Collie-Shepard dog Plato, and our three-year-old daughter April, immediately warmed up to Jack here. They knew nothing about him, except what they could intuit and feel. But when they met his identical twin, Joe Carroll, they immediately disliked him. Plato growled at him and April shied away from him and hung on my leg in fear of who she called, 'the mean man.' I believe that Jerry, Jack, and J.J. are now working on ways to identify prison inmates who are mature and life-giving enough to be co-counselors for and with other inmates. If they learn how to do this, perhaps they could teach seminary authorities or bishops."

  My two co-visitors and I clapped for her, and J.J. added, "You know, Rebecca, I never thought of it that way, but my own two children are often more intuitive than I am about new people. Before I met Jack and introduced him to them, they had met several other men I had dated, and there was only one out of maybe eighteen who was even close to being as acceptable as Jack, so ..."

  "So you both are saying that you believe we all naturally have the ability to recognize the lovability of other people ... that it is perhaps a natural intuitive ability."

  "I never thought of it that way, Bishop, but I guess I do ... until immature parents, teachers, and religious ministers squeeze the naturalness out of them." Rebecca looked around and Jack, J.J., and I were grinning. Bishop Rider again looked a bit puzzled.

  J.J. said, "I agree with Rebecca, Bishop."

  "Are you Catholic, J.J.?"

  "No, I grew up attending the AME church, which was quite fundamentalist Christian, as I imagine you know. As an adult I rejected their rigidity, and now I like what I've seen at Loyola. I once said that I might like to join the Jesuit branch of the Catholic Church and these jug heads ..." she nodded toward Jack and me "... laughed at me."

  Bishop Rider chuckled. "Well, you all have given me a lot to think about. I do agree that we have not done enough to teach the art of loving and have put too much emphasis on rules and commandments. Well, I've invited you all here to celebrate Mass with me for our not-so-dearly departed Joe Carroll. I don't know what our Heavenly Father will do with him, but I like to think he will go through some kind of painful purging and life-giving growth process in learning how to love and then be able to be one with us and our Holy Trinity."

  Jack said, "I like that idea, Bishop. I don't think Joe ever learned to love."

  We went into a small, wood-paneled bedroom that had been turne
d into a cozy chapel. The bishop selected my favorite scripture passage, 'God is love and he who lives in love, lives in God and God in him' and, surprisingly, a passage on death from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet." Before Communion, he invited J.J. and Rebecca to join us in taking Communion, as we were all united in bringing more love into the world.

  Before we left the bishop's house, Rebecca told him that she would bring her report to his office within the next two weeks.

  As we got into the car to leave, J.J. said, "I'm glad that we came. Thank you, Jerry and Rebecca, for inviting us." Jack said the same.

  Chapter 37

  REBECCA

  For the third and hopefully the last time, I walked up the steps of the Diocese of Belleville's Chancery office. I preferred the more relaxed atmosphere of Bishop Rider's home, but it was a beautiful summer day and I was glad to make this the ending of my project of 'outing' Joe Carroll. Having him die at our home was not part of my plan. It had become a far bigger and more complex job than I had originally thought—and much more dangerous.

  I was ushered back to the bishop's office and he stood and took my hand in both of his, as before. "Well, Rebecca, I believe this may be your last visit with me. It has been quite a journey, has it not? You've had to endure a hospital stay, an attempted murder, and two actual murders. So, what have you got for me this morning?"

  "I've made up what I hope is a complete and comprehensive report on Joe Carroll's victims whom I've discovered and interviewed when possible. There are some time gaps in my report of his years as a priest, so I'm guessing some others will come forth. I have written up this report and I've amended it and submitted it to three publications, so that should stir up more evidence."

  "I'm glad you brought that up as we have already received notice of one new victim. I don't suppose you would be interested in continuing your investigations, would you?" He was serious, I could tell.