Wide Awake

by Shelly Crane

  I bristled a little. "I was already six months behind, remember? I want to graduate and not be stuck here another year."

  She grimaced. "Oh, yeah. You're right. Can you imagine being stuck here next year with juniors?" She made a gagging noise.

  I tried not to roll my eyes. Then Andy came back to us and wrapped his arms around me from behind. I pulled his hands away and gave him a look. He winked. Winked.

  Suddenly, I felt him tense up and followed his gaze to a girl. She looked stricken, but the second her eyes met mine, she turned away guiltily and practically ran the other way. I looked at Andy with question, but I understood everything with his silence. This was the girl he'd been dating. This was the girl he'd dumped for me. I felt awful because she felt so guilty. How would she have known I would wake up?

  "Seriously, skank. She had him first," Cookie sneered at the girl who was already gone and chuckled. Andy just worked his jaw.

  They all seemed nice enough, be it a ton shallow. Andy took my hand to take me to the office. Mason flashed through my head and I took my hand from his quickly. He looked horribly dejected. "Friends, remember?"

  He nodded, but didn't look happy about it. When we reached the office, he let me go in and said he'd see me later. I knew I'd upset him, but having Mason's trust was more important to me. I turned to the secretary at the desk and went to tell her my name and why I was there, but she beat me to it. "Emma Walker! Oh, so glad that you're back. How are you?" she said and dragged it out for emphasis.

  "I'm…OK."

  She smiled wryly. "You don't remember me, do you?"

  Wow, really? "No ma'am."

  "I'm Mrs. Schuller!" she said excitedly. "Come on. Let's get you to your first class."

  I followed her to a classroom and she opened the door, peeking her head inside.

  "They're ready for you," she announced and slung the door open. When I made my way inside with nothing but my purse, I jumped in surprise when they all started to clap. I tried to smile and show them I was grateful, but I felt so raw. I didn't know one single person there except for Andy, who was sitting in the back. He smiled as he watched me cringe and make my way to the empty seat next to him.

  The first half of the day passed in a blur. Andy took me to all of our classes and I tried to pay attention, but it was pretty impossible when people stared everywhere I went. After lunch, Andy showed me where my locker was and gave me my combination. I didn't ask how he knew it, I was just grateful to have it.

  But looking inside definitely gave me an inside peek of the girl I used to be. It was filled with make-up, a couple of school books, a Cliff's Note on The Scarlett Letter, a huge mirror tacked to the door, tons of cutesy notes and kiss-lips on paper, and a few class notes…but they had other people's names on them, not mine.

  When I turned to go, I ran smack into a blonde girl with red streaks in her hair. "Oh, gosh. I'm sorry."

  She sighed and picked up her book from the floor. "It's fine." She eyed me objectively as she righted herself. She looked to be waiting for something. "You don't remember me?"

  I waited. She knew the answer already. Andy was impatient though. "Babe, come on."

  "Yeah, babe," she sneered. "The royal court is waiting for you."

  I squinted in confusion, but Andy took my arm. "Come on. It's lunch. Everyone's waiting. Plus…we don't associate with them."

  "Them?"

  "People who aren't us," he replied, as if that explained it all.

  I felt my mouth fall open with shock. Did he really just say that with a straight face? He towed me to the cafeteria. And I say towed because that's exactly what happened. It was just like the pictures in my house of us. It was a picture or façade of togetherness and love, but it was more like we were posing. When we walked in, it didn't escape my notice how his arm conveniently stopped tugging me and wrapped itself around my waist instead. He leaned in and whispered in my ear, "It's all right, babe. Don't freak out. The old you ruled this school. Show them that you're still that girl."

  But I was not that girl anymore.

  Then he kissed my cheek and grinned like he said something sweet…or dirty, maybe. I let him. I put myself on co-pilot and Andy was apparently driving. He steered me through the throngs of staring eyes and sat us at a table with all the people from this morning. I sat and the redhead, Kali, slid me a diet soda across the table. "Here, babe," she said sweetly. "Now," she sat up on her elbows, giving the guys behind her a perfect view of her backside in that too-short skirt, "tell us all about sleeping for six months. What was it like?"

  A guy beside her laughed and said, "Man, six months of sleep sounds like a dream come true for me. No school, no parents? Just dreaming of Kali in that skirt." He leaned back and bit his lip as he took a good view. She smacked his shoulder playfully and giggled, but they sat and waited for my answer.

  Andy squeezed my leg under the table, making me jump a little. He leaned in. "You rule the school, remember? Buck up, babe."

  I felt a scoffing breath escape my lips before I turned back to the group. They all waited so patiently and I wondered for just a second what it was like to be the old me. To have the attention and obvious allegiance of all these people. The old me probably soaked this up like a biscuit to gravy. She probably instigated their giggles and egged them on to make jokes and do all sorts of things. I swallowed and tried to be that girl. I tried to give them what they wanted.

  "It sucked." They all laughed and looked at me affectionately, as if I'd said the punch-line instead of the opening statement. "Apparently they didn't put diet soda in my IV."

  They laughed again. I felt this empowering bubble grow in my gut, but instead of it feeling awesome and…powerful, I felt wretched. I felt like the shepherd of a flock of sheep. The old me probably ate that up. It made me sick.

  "Oh, sweetie," Kali said softly. "It's OK. It's understandable." I was shocked by her sweet words, but then…"We'll get you back to a size zero in no time! I'll order you a bigger size for your cheerleading outfit 'til then."

  "Thanks," I muttered under my breath. She backtracked.

  "Not that you're fat, honey." She looked to the other girls for help. "Right? You're still so fabulous."

  "Yeah, so fabulous," Cookie said excitedly.

  Kali kept going. "I mean…maybe I'll come over and help you get your wardrobe back together, OK? Your mom must've thrown your good clothes out. Poor thing." She made pout lips in my honor.

  I just smiled and nodded.

  "So," a guy in the back started. "You don't remember me? At all?"

  I shook my head. "No. I don't remember anything from my life at all."

  He grinned sadly in jest. "So that time we spent Seven Minutes in Heaven in Kali's closet in sixth grade—you've forgotten all about that? Really?"

  "Shut it, Mark," Andy growled playfully. "That's probably why she went into a coma; to make sure she wiped that from her memory."

  "Whatever!" Mark protested and pounded his chest. "I give the best tongue at this table. Ask anyone."

  They spent the rest of the half hour just like that. The questions were stupid and the answers I gave were stupider, but they laughed and laughed. Maybe they were just trying extra hard to make me feel welcome by being so accommodating, but I somehow doubted it.

  We left and Andy took me to math class. They didn't clap this time, but they all stared once again. And so the day went. He took me home and said he'd pick me up the next day. I didn't want him to, but agreed.

  I was starving when I got home, so I searched the kitchen for a snack. A woman came in and said she'd make me whatever I wanted, but I told her it was OK. I could make my own. She seemed miffed and put out, but I didn't understand why.

  Isabella bugged the crap out of me with all her questions about it. She was excited as the Chihuahua I didn't even know that we had. How I had missed that, I didn't know, but today, the little snippy beast followed me everywhere. Isabella said it was my dog, but he didn't seem to like me much. Maybe he could tel
l that I was different.

  It sounded like he was telling the stranger to get out of his house.

  Rhett was in meetings until late, but when he came in, he knocked on my door and asked me questions that were similar to the ones Isabella had. I hope I passed their tests as I tried to act excited and be upbeat. I texted Mason and told him everything was great. I hated lying, but didn't know what else to do.

  The next day was a repeat of the first, except I tried extra hard on my wardrobe. I let Isabella help me a little, and she relished in it. Once I had some make-up in place, a high ponytail with swing factor, a scarf of hers wrapped around my neck with a pink tank top on, and the hoop earrings she'd slung in my ears, I was ready to go. Andy nodded his head in approval when I reached his car.

  "Man, you look gorgeous. Just like you used to."

  I tried not to sigh.

  School was the same, like it was on repeat. Everyone stared, my friends acted like I walked on water, and I tried to smile and fake it. It must've worked. They asked me a million questions at lunch and I assumed that must've been normal with the old me. I must've been the attention holder, because they seemed almost at a loss for another question to ask when I wasn't speaking. It was beyond weird and sheep-like. I hated every freaking second.

  This time at my locker, I found a note inside that said, "The baa baa have found their leader again."

  Sheep. Exactly what I had been thinking. But Andy wasn't amused and said he knew whose handwriting it was. At lunch that day, I found out what happened to you when you crossed my so-called friends.

  Kali was missing, but not for long. After we sat and lunch was underway, over the loud speaker we heard, "Misty Potter, please come to the office. Your mom is here with a clean pair of underwear."

  I was horrified. They all sat and laughed. In fact, the entire lunchroom cackled and hooted. I searched for Misty, the red-streaked girl. When I saw her, it was all I could do not to run and tell her I had nothing to do with this. She was attempting to leave the cafeteria, but the football players were jostling her around and whooping. Finally she broke free, without a backward glance at anyone, and ran into the hall.

  They'd done this for me. My friends. They probably thought I was proud of them for such a display of loyalty to me. That the old me would have ordered such an attack. I wanted to vomit.

  I sat back in my chair. No one noticed that I wasn't partaking in the festivities with them. They were all too absorbed in one statement that seemed to be on repeat. "Did you see her face?"

  Yes, I saw her face. It would haunt me.

  Useless Fact Number Ten

  Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts

  After school, Andy didn't drive me home. Apparently, I had cheerleading practice and my new, bigger sized uniform was here and should work just fine, they said. I shook with regret and disgust as I looked at myself in the full-length mirror. Who was this girl?

  Kali came up behind me and put her chin on my shoulder. "Oh, honey. You'll be back to your old size in no time. Don’t worry." Then she smacked my backside and yelled, "Let's go, skank! You've got a lot of catching up to do!"

  She giggled as she left.

  I felt…dirty for some reason as I made my way to the practice field. I wanted to go home, and bathe and wash away whatever this grimy feeling was.

  "All right, beyatches! Listen up!" Kali yelled. "We've got our Emmie back." They all clapped and cheered. "But, as you can see," they giggled at my expense, "we've all got our work cut out for us whipping her back into shape. So, in Emmie's honor, everyone take a lap!"

  They gasped and groaned. "Not fair!" one girl yelled.

  "Run, skanks, run!" Kali yelled and laughed as they took off.

  "You're not running?" I asked.

  She smirked. "I took over as captain when you…took a nap." She smiled, but there was so much behind that smile. "Get going, Walker. Run that ass back down to manageable size."

  I stared at her. I had an inkling to strip down right here, get the offending outfit off, throw it in her face, and tell her to kiss my fat, manageable assets. But I just stared instead, in silent contest. I needed to let her see that I wasn't about to be stomped on just because I couldn’t remember the pecking order.

  Eventually, like when you stared down a dog to see who'll look away first, she caved. "Dang, Emma, lighten up. I'm just joking. But you really do need to run. You've got to get your body back up to par for working out every day and going to competition again. Come on, I'll run with you."

  What a change. I almost laughed, but instead, I ran with her. I didn't say a word, just listened to her chatter on about some boy she had been sleeping with from another school. After a short while, when I was about to pass out from exhaustion and had to stop, I ignored her thinly veiled insults about being so out of shape.

  Not only had the coma taken my memory, but it had taken my ability to outrun her. And right then, that pissed me off more than anything.

  That night, I was too exhausted to do anything. I barely made it into the house before crashing in the bed, not showered and not caring. My stomach growled, but I couldn't move a muscle. I didn't even get to text Mason because I fell asleep and stayed there until morning.

  In the morning, I followed the same routine as the day before, and let Isabella doll me up. Andy growled his happiness about how gorgeous I was, and I endured another day of my friends and their disdain for anyone that wasn't in our circle.

  But math class changed everything for me.

  You know when you have an epiphany? If you've ever had one, you'll know that it hits you at a moment you might not expect. The smallest thing can set it off, but it will change your life. It will ruin everything you've worked to build and it will not think twice. And when it comes, there's no stopping it.

  I sat in the back and tried not to think about much. It was closer to the end of the day. Honestly, I felt more than tired. My legs felt like Jell-O, my brain was mush from all the fake smiling and pretending that I was OK, and my right arm hurt from taking so many notes. It was amazing the simple things we take for granted. I'd have to rest for a minute while note taking and then hurry to catch back up.

  Andy leaned over. "Babe, we'll just get notes from someone later. Don't worry about it."

  "Get notes from someone?" I thought back to the notes in my locker. "Like make someone give me their notes?"

  "Yeah. I told you, everyone loves you. You're the it girl." I made a face. He made his own face. Resolve. He forged on, harder to make his point. "Guys want to bang you, and girls want to be you." I made a gross face and he held his hand up. "I'm just saying. Stop acting like a…nerd or boob or something. They'll give you some slack for a few days, but you've got to start acting like the old you. The old you takes what she wants, doesn't work for anything, doesn’t care what people say, and is gorgeous and on her game every damned day. Stop being this, and start being the girl that I want to be with."

  I soaked that in. I leaned back in my seat and felt his eyes on me. He was just like my parents. They didn't have any interest in letting me work things out; they just wanted that girl back. Andy wasn't going to let me be me. He expected me to pretend that I was that girl, even if I wasn't.

  I raised my hand.

  "Yes, Mrs. Walker?"

  "Can I go to the restroom, please?"

  She looked at me carefully. "I guess so. Take the pass."

  I stood and looked at her blankly. Oh, gah…she was going to make me say it. "Where's the pass?"

  Every face turned to mine. She ticked her head to the side in question. I realized then that she was testing me. She didn't believe that I didn't remember? She finally moved her head to the right. "It's by the door. The little baseball bat keychain."

  "Thanks," I muttered and grabbed it quickly before bolting. I practically ran until I saw the girls' bathroom sign. I pushed my way through and that was the invitation my tears had been waiting for. I slid down the wall with my back to the gross and grimy floo
r, but I just didn't care. Oh, how my chest hurt with the ache of holding in those sobs. And now they burst through me and all I could do was hang on to the ground for dear life and hope I survived.

  I realized then what this was. I'd never mourned my life. I never understood until that very moment…that Emmie, that girl that everyone wanted me to be, was dead. She was gone. I may not have known her, but I mourned her. I was sorry that she died and I took her place. I pulled my knees up to my chest and cried and cried, and sobbed, and ached, and mourned, and rocked.

  The coma was a liar. It gave everyone this false sense of security that she'd come back, but she was gone and I was here. And I wasn't her. No one here, or my parents, or anyone, got to mourn Emmie. They all assumed she'd come back one day or die on that bed the way they remembered her. But I took her place and I didn't belong.

  This wasn't my body or my face or my life.

  I cried for all of the people who wouldn’t understand that Emmie was gone and didn't realize they needed to stop waiting for her to wake up. That this was my body now and they needed to bury Emmie and move on. And then I cried because I knew they'd never do that. They'd never understand that she was gone. They would all wait for her to come back one day, for me to miraculously remember everything and go back to being her. But even if that did happen, if I did remember, I couldn't go back to the way things were.

  I was different and I think Emmie would be different because of me.

  I sat at a loss of what to do with myself. Everyone was so eager for me to get back to normal, but I may have moved too soon. Maybe I wasn't ready to face her life. I thought it would help me make my decision, to come here and be with all of her friends, but it just made me doubt her.

  And then it hit me. I just made my decision, didn't I? Emmie was gone. I couldn't take her place. I had to be me.

  I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. I was going to be a disappointment and people weren't going to like me, but I had to be myself. I could no longer put on the façade that I was Emmie Walker, head cheerleader, girlfriend of Andy, and queen to the royal court.